Title: Jokers

Author: Sarah Saint Ives

Archive: Yes, if it's worthy

Fandom: Due South

Pairing: Fraser/Kowalski

Category: Humor

Rating: R for bad words

Warnings: This is a 'pick on Dewey' fest. All in fun, of course.

Summary: Lights are out so the guys are telling jokes.

Notes: These jokes are not mine, and neither are the guys. *sigh* I heard the jokes years ago, but
haven't heard them recently, so I thought I would recycle them into a story. :)

Jokers
by Sarah Saint Ives

Huey's joke ended and there was dead silence in the room. Finally, one laugh erupted, leading into others. None were laughing at the joke, they were laughing because it had been so poorly told.

Nearly everyone in the room had told a dirty joke. Lt. Welsh’s had been about the misadventures of two blonde hookers with large breasts. Dewey’s had been about the Vaseline salesman at the farmer’s house. Huey had told the one about the Irishman and the leprechaun. Others were told from various cops in the bullpen as they waited for the power to be restored so the lights would come back on.

Ray Kowalski sat quietly with his friend, RCMP Constable Benton Fraser who was in full-dress uniform. They hadn’t planned to be there for more than a few minutes, but because of the electrical storm they were trapped inside like the others. At least with the lights off, it was easier to sneak a few secret gropes. Ray leaned over for a quick kiss from his mountie lover, sitting suddenly straight when someone addressed him.

"Hey, Kowalski, it’s your turn! Tell your favorite dirty joke."

"Well, it’s not exactly dirty, least not as bad as yours, but I’ll tell you my *favorite* joke." Ray
said. "It’s a dream I had. In my dream, I had died and gone to Heaven. I was walking along the golden streets..."

"You dream in color?" Dewey guffawed.

Ray paused. "Yeah." he answered dryly. "I dream in technocolor like MGM. Anyway, I was walking along those silver streets and I met Fraser here. Fraser was walking with a really ugly old hag with a wart on her nose and only one big black tooth in her head. I says to him, ‘Fraser, whatcha doin’ with this woman? Come on, buddy, walk with *me*, here.’

"He just looked sad and walked away with the woman. I found Saint Peter and I says to him, ‘Saint Peter, I just saw Fraser and he was with this really cosmetically challenged senior citizen. What’s up with that?’ And Saint Peter says to me, ‘Fraser’s been bad, and he’s being punished.’

"So Saint Peter walked with me along this street and we came across Lt. Welsh, who was walking with a woman even uglier than Fraser’s new girlfriend. I mean this woman needed serious surgery to correct her whole face. Really, really...butt-ugly. So I says to him, ‘Lieutenant, what’s up with your date?" And he just looked down and went on down the road with her.’ So I says to Saint Peter, "Why is he with that really messed up old woman?"

"So Saint Peter says to me, ‘He’s been bad, and he’s being punished.’

"So we went on down the road, Saint Pete and me, and we ran into Dewey! And Dewey was with this gorgeous buxom blonde! She was a real knockout! So I says to him, ‘Dewey, introduce me to your date, man!’"

Dewey laughed out loud. "Yeah! That’s what I’m talking about!" he crowed.

Ray squeezed Fraser’s hand as he delivered the punch line. "So I says to Pete, what’s up with Dewey’s beautiful date? Wow! And Saint Peter shook his head and said, ‘She’s been bad, and she’s being punished."

The room roared.

"Hey!" Dewey objected, but couldn’t help laughing, too.

When the laughter died down, Welsh said, "Okay, Fraser, it’s your turn. You know any
dirty jokes?"

"He doesn’t know any dirty jokes!" Dewey said. "He’s as pure as the driven snow. I heard that from both his partners."

"He wouldn’t say a bad word even if he lost his dick in the paper shredder." Huey said.

Ray spoke up in defense of his best friend and lover. "He'd say 'shit' or something. I’ve heard him cuss before."

"No, you haven’t." Dewey said.

"Yes, I have. He said ‘damn’ once. I swear to god, he said it. I heard him."

"Yeah, man, that’s real obscene." said Huey.

Fraser cleared his throat. "Actually, I do have a joke if you’re all willing to listen."

The room fell silent in anticipation.

"Thank you." The mountie stood to tell his joke. "This is something that happened at the Purple Clam biker bar one night. There was a large crowd, all drinking and enjoying themselves, when a very tall, very mean-looking man stalked in the door, shot his gun into the air and shouted, ‘Okay, I want everybody against the wall!’ The crowd split and pressed themselves against the walls, fearing for their lives. He pointed to the left and yelled ‘Everybody on *this* side of the room is a cocksucker!’"

Something fell to the floor across the bullpen. There were a few silent gasps.

Fraser went on. "Then the guy points to the right and said, ‘And everybody on this side of the room is a motherfucker!’"

A chair overturned.

Fraser resumed his story. "Officer Dewey was there, on the right side of the room, so he started to edge slowly along the wall. The bad guy pointed his gun at Dewey and yelled, ‘Where do you think *you’re* going?’ And Dewey answered, ‘Sir, I’m on the wrong side of the room!’"

There was a moment of quiet, then the room erupted again.

Ray laughed and kissed him while they were still concealed by the darkness.

Dewey grumbled, having been the scapegoat one time too many. "Yeah, well, I wouldn’t talk." he said. "Give me a few minutes and I’ll remember a joke about two gay guys, a Chicago cop and a mountie."

~the end~