May You Find Some Comfort Here

by Iris M Gray

Disclaimer: Characters belong to Alliance. I promise to give them back, eventually.

Rating: NC-17. Coarse language, sex, major naughtiness going on.

Pairing Kowalski/Fraser

Note: Some of the lines in this story are taken from the songs on Sarah McLachlan's CD "Mirrorball".

-------------------------------------
May You Find Some Comfort Here

by Iris M Gray
-------------------------------------

Ray Kowalski pounded on the hotel room door. "Fraser! Open this door before I break it down!" he called.

After an eternity had passed, Ray heard the sound of the lock turning and the door opened. *Fraser locked a door? This must be serious* he thought. "Fraser? You okay?" he asked as the Mountie appeared in the doorway. Mentally, he said *Fraser, you look like hell.*

"Yes, Ray, I am perfectly fine," was the reply.

"You don't look fine to me, Fraser," stated Ray. "You gonna let me in?"

For a moment Ray thought that Fraser would refuse, but he looked too tired or too defeated to argue. He simply stepped aside and Ray entered the dark, dingy room. He shivered. "Man, Fraser, you trying to re-create the Arctic in here?" he asked. There was no answer. He hadn't expected one. He sat on the edge of the bed, the only furniture in the room. "So, ya gonna tell me what happened? Why you suddenly left the Consulate and moved in to a hotel?" He was relieved to see Diefenbaker curled on a blanket in a corner. At least the wolf was there.

"It simply was not a good idea for me to stay there any longer. I have not yet found a new apartment, so I moved in here, temporarily, until I do."

"What, the Ice Queen couldn't let ya stay till ya found a new place?" asked Ray suspiciously. There was something Fraser was not telling him. He'd arrived at the Consulate to pick up his partner for a hockey game they had tickets for, and found Inspector Thatcher mad enough to spit nails, and barely managed to get the news of Fraser's sudden departure from her. Discreet questioning of Turnbull brought forth the information that Thatcher had been alternately crying and raging for most of the afternoon and that Fraser had been seen, as Turnbull put it, "fleeing" from her office.

Kowalski had not always liked Turnbull, finding the younger Mountie to be rather slow-witted. But, as a favour to Fraser, he tolerated Turnbull, and eventually found that if you spoke to Turnbull the right way, asked the right questions, and were very clear about what you wanted from him, the Constable was a veritable fountain of information about what went on 'behind closed doors' at the Consulate. Including Fraser's relationship with Meg Thatcher.

"My decision to leave was rather sudden," said Ben.

"Fraser, cut the crap and tell me the truth, willya?" Ray demanded. "Something happened between you and the Ice - Inspector. What was it?"

Fraser sighed sadly. "She terminated our relationship," he said simply. Ray could hear the mountain of pain behind those words.

"I'm sorry, Fraser. I know you - cared for her." *And right now I want to strangle her for hurting you.* "Did she give you a reason?"

"It was my fault. I told her that I did not feel comfortable keeping our relationship a secret any longer. When other members of the Force were visiting, or foreign dignitaries, or Canadian officials, she acted as if I was only her subordinate. As if we had never been anything more. She told me that if anyone knew, we would both be reprimanded and I would probably be transferred, or even terminated. I told her I was willing to take that risk - apparently she was not. She said it would be best if our relationship ended, if I was no longer willing to accept the - parameters she had set out for us."

"Fraser, you know, she wasn't good enough for you," Ray said.

"No, it was me, I'm not good enough for her. I've never been good enough, for anyone," Benton said sadly.

"Bullshit, Fraser! Pardon my language but that is absolute garbage. Don't tell me how she's never been good to you, never been there for you, and then say that you're the one who's not good enough. You've done her shit work for years, run errands, picked up her drycleaning, made her coffee, done statue duty when the weather's forty-fuckin'-below, been at her beck and call every time she crooked her little finger, and warmed her bed at night. And when you wanted to be treated more like a human being, instead of an errand boy, she dumped you. I'm no expert on male-female relations, but I know that ain't love, Fraser. There's always some reason to feel not good enough, but you /are/ good enough. " *You're more than good enough for me.*

Fraser continued as if he hadn't heard his friend. "No one stays with me. Everyone leaves me eventually. I have never been good enough to make people stay. My father was never home for more than a few days at a time. Victoria left me - when I was shot she didn't even stay to find out if I had survived. Ray Vecchio left me. And now Meg. Ray, why does no one stay? Why do they all leave?"

Ray got up from the bed and walked over to where his friend was staring sightlessly out of the window. He took Ben's arm and led him to the bed and made him sit down. "Fraser - Ben - yer dad, well, he was a Mountie, right? He had a job to do. Yeah, it sucked that he wasn't there for ya, but I'm sure if he could have, he would have been. Victoria, well, from reading the case file on her, she was Psycho Bitch Queen. She didn't love you - she loved money, power, control. She used you to get something she wanted, then she ran. As for Vecchio - " Ray took a deep breath. He'd always been jealous of the relationship his predecessor had had with Fraser. "He'd been preparing for this undercover job for a long time, ever since someone noticed the resemblance between him and Armande Lagostini. When Lagostini was killed suddenly, he had to jump in right away. He didn't have a choice - he'd made a commitment to the job. I'm sure he didn't want to leave." Still, Kowalski had added Ray Vecchio to his mental list of people he wanted to strangle for hurting Fraser, along with Victoria Metcalfe and Meg Thatcher. "Fraser, this is gonna hurt like hell. But you haveta hold on. It won't always feel this bad. When I lost Stella it hurt so bad I thought I was gonna die. But I'm still here, still breathin'."

The two of them sat in silence for awhile. Sometime during their conversation Ray had placed his hand over Fraser's, and the Mountie was holding it tightly. Finally, Ben broke the silence. "Ray...are you going to leave, too?" he asked.

Ray squeezed his partner's hand. "No, Fraser. I ain't going anywhere. You know that you're my best friend."

"Thank you, Ray."

"Fraser, you look worn out. Why don't you try to get some sleep. Maybe things will look better in the morning," Ray suggested.

"What about you, Ray?" asked Ben. "What are you going to do?"

"I'll stay here with ya, if ya want me to."

"Where will you sleep?" Fraser asked. "I know how you feel about sleeping on the floor." He smiled slightly. "I never did give you that 'tucked in on the floor I hurt my back' badge I promised you."

"Bed's big enough for two people, right?" asked the detective.

"Yes, I suppose it is. Are you suggesting we share it?"

"You got a problem with that, Fraser?"

"No, Ray, not at all," replied the Mountie. He stipped down to his undershorts and climbed in to the bed. He was asleep almost instantly. Diefenbaker jumped up on the bed and curled up next to him.

Ray looked at the almost-naked man in the bed and sighed. "You're so beautiful," he said softly. "You beautiful, fucked-up man. Why did I have to go and fall in love with you, anyway?"

Ray climbed into bed next to Fraser and the wolf, wearing a tshirt along with his shorts. He lay awake for a long time, hoping that Fraser would be strong enough to face the consequences that would likely result from the abrupt ending of his liason with his commanding officer. How would Fraser be able to work with the Ice Queen after this? Would she fire him? He wouldn't be able to stay in the States without a job. Or she could transfer him somewhere far, far away from Chicago. Either way, Fraser and Kowalski would be separated, perhaps permanently. Ray didn't want that to happen. He wanted to work with Fraser, to go on insane crusades against injustice with Fraser, to eat Chinese food, watch hockey, and hang out with Fraser. He wanted to make Fraser smile, something the man rarely did. He had admitted to himself long ago that he was attracted to the Mountie, and more recently that he was in love with him, but he had managed to keep his feelings hidden. He knew about Ben's affair with Meg Thatcher. Now that it was over, what Fraser needed was a friend, and Ray would be that friend. He fell into a fitful sleep, trying not to think about the nearness of the other body in the bed.

Sometime during the night Ray awoke to sound of muffled sobs from the other side of the bed. He rolled over and saw that Fraser was crying, trying to muffle the sound with his pillow, probably so that Ray wouldn't hear. He remembered the Beth Botrelle case, and his own tears when it was over, and how Fraser had comforted him. He put his hand on his friend's shoulder. "Fraser?" he said softly. "Ben?" He almost never used his partner's first name, but calling him 'Fraser' seemed somehow impersonal at a time like this. He moved closer. "It's okay. You can cry. Hell, cry, scream, get mad, throw things if ya want to. I'm right here for ya, Ben." The tears continued but Fraser seemed more relaxed now that he wasn't trying to hide them. Ray pulled Ben into his arms and held him close, letting the tears fall on his thin t-shirt.

Eventually the sobs quieted, and Fraser relaxed in Ray's arms. "Feel a bit better now?" asked Kowalski.

"Yes, slightly," answered his partner. "Thank you, Ray."

"No problem, Fraser. You'd do the same for me. You /have/ done the same for me."

There was an odd quality to Fraser's voice when he spoke again. "Ray...you're hard."

Oh shit. Shit, shit, shit. How had he let that happen? What would Ben think of him - that he was going to try to take advantage of his friend's vulnerability? Damn. "Uh...just one o' them autonomic thingamajobbers, ya know, happens to most guys first thing in the morning, wake up with a hard-on," he babbled.

"Really?" asked the Canadian, his voice sounding amused. "That must be why I'm hard, too, then."

Oh-oh. Ray had the feeling that he was standing on the edge of a precipice and one false move would send him falling in to an abyss. "You have one too, huh?" *Oh brilliant, Mr-I-state-the- blindingly-obvious-Kowalski.*

Fraser reached over, took Ray's hand and moved it to the hardness protruding from the front of his boxer shorts. "Yes - see? Or, perhaps the correct word would be, feel?" He moved his own hand to the front of Ray's shorts. "Is there something I can do for you, Ray?"

No-no-no-YES! Ray thought he must have a little cartoon devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other, arguing over whether he should let Fraser do this. He wanted it so badly - but it would be taking advantage - but Fraser had offered - oh! It seemed the decision had already been made. He felt Ben pulling his shorts down and then the hand was back, stroking him gently. He swallowed. "Fras - Ben - ya don't haveta do this, it'll go away on its own." Well, maybe after a long cold shower it would....

"I want to, Ray," was the simple reply. The hand kept moving, and Ray couldn't have stopped it if he wanted to. He was mesemerized. He found his own hands lowering Ben's boxers, and he began stroking the hard cock that had been under them. He pulled his shirt off and moved closer to Fraser, feeling his partner's warm body against him. He kissed Ben, gently, and felt Ben's mouth responding eagerly, hungrily.

Fraser rolled on top of Ray, and Ray pushed his hips upwards, feeling Ben's hardness against him. They thrust together, rubbing their erections against each other. Ray felt himself spiralling out of control. It wasn't long before he cried out his partner's name as his orgasm overtook him, and Fraser came at almost the same instant before collapsing on top of him. The two of them lay like that, Ben sprawled on top of Ray, for a little while before Fraser rose, kissed Ray softly, and rolled on to his side. Ray wrapped his arms around his partner - his lover - and his last thought before he fell asleep was *I am in deep shit now.*

------------------------------

When he awoke later that morning, Ray saw Fraser was already awake and out of bed. He was looking at him. "Good morning, Ray," he said.

"Morning, Fraser. Did ya sleep at all?"

"Yes, thank you, I slept quite well."

"So what do you want to do today?" Ray asked.

Ben sighed. "Well, first I think we need to find something to eat, and walk Diefenbaker. Then I should go to the Consulate and put in the necessary paperwork for a transfer. I think the position I was offered in Ottawa is still open."

"Transfer?" asked Ray. He felt sick. *Nonononono...not after last night...you can't...* "Why?"

"I doubt Inspector Thatcher will be at all comfortable with my remaining in Chicago. My continued presence at the Consulate will simply remind her of our...relationship. In fact, I would not be surprised if she has already put in a request for my transfer."

"But you can't leave!" Ray exclaimed.

"But why not, Ray?" asked Ben, sounding perplexed.

"Because...because I don't want to break in a new partner," Kowalski stammered.

"Come now, Ray, I'm certain you would rather work with another American detective than with a Canadian Mountie. Especially if that detective carried a gun."

"No, I wouldn't. /You/ are my partner. You understand me better than anyone ever has. We're a team. A duet. Like the Three Stooges - well, except that there's two of us instead of three. Fraser, I don't want you to leave!" Ray hoped he didn't sound as desperate as he felt.

Ben looked at Ray, the deep blue eyes boring in to him, straight in to his soul, Ray thought. "Why not, Ray?" he asked quietly.

"Damnit, Fraser, because I love you!" *Oh hell. I said it. I said I loved him. Now what?* He continued, the words spilling over each other as if they just had to escape. "Last night - it wasn't just sex for me. I - I don't do that with just anyone. Well, maybe if I'm drunk, but not when I'm sober. And it doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman, if the feelings are there. And with you - they are."

"Ray, I had no idea you felt this way about me."

"I'm pretty good at hiding my feelings," the detective replied. "You were with her, the Inspector, and it wasn't gonna do me any good to tell ya I'm in love with ya when yer in love with someone else." *Especially when that someone is female* he added mentally.

Ben didn't say anything. Ray remembered the first time he had looked into his partner's eyes. It had been their first case together, when they were pursuing an arsonist who had burned down Fraser's apartment building and the Vecchio family home. Fraser was still trying to prove that Kowalski was not really Ray Vecchio. They had finally caught up to 'Greta Garbo' at the edge of Lake Michigan, and she had fired at Ray. He'd been wearing a vest, but the impact of the bullet had knocked him backwards and stunned him for a moment. Fraser had jumped Bogart all over the Garbo woman, and when he had her subdued, he'd bent over his partner, slapping his face and calling him 'Ray' for the first time since they'd met. Ray had opened his eyes and said "BOO!" at the Mountie, and at that moment he'd caught a glimpse of concern in the most beautiful blue eyes he'd ever seen. And he knew then that he would do anything for this man.

His reverie was interrupted by Fraser's voice. "I'm not in love with her," he said.

"Well, yer hurting right now, Frase, that's understandable."

"I never was in love with her, Ray."

"I don't understand, Fraser, what're ya talking about? Enlighten me."

Fraser paced back and forth in the small hotel room, rubbing his fingers across his brow. "It pains me to say this, because it sounds so - shallow. I was not in love with Meg Thatcher. I was attracted to her, and I was extremely flattered that she seemed attracted to me also. And I was so lonely. You have been a good friend to me, Ray, but when Ray Vecchio first left - I felt bereft. And Meg offered ...comfort. And she is - was - very good at it. Sex, I mean." Fraser blushed slightly. "And then, a few months ago, after the case involving the 'ghost ship' on Lake Superior, I realized I was actually in love with someone else - but I couldn't tell them, I did not think they would return my feelings. So I again turned to Meg. It's not that I don't care for her, but I am not in love with her. I am in love with you, Ray. You are the 'someone else.' "

Ray looked stunned, surprised, shocked, and pleased all at once. He could hardly believe his own ears. "Fras - Ben - you love me? You're sure? This isn't some sort of rebound thing, I hope."

"No, Ray. I'm quite certain. Last night - it meant something to me, too. But you seemed so reluctant - I didn't let myself hope that you felt the same way I did."

Ray got up and went over to his lover. He put his arms around Ben's shoulders. "I wanted it as much as you did. But you were vulnerable - I was afraid it'd be taking advantage, that you'd wake up and regret it in the morning."

"The only thing I regret is that we didn't do this a long time ago," said Fraser. He kissed Ray, who happily kissed him back, and they continued to kiss until Diefenbaker interrupted.

Ben sighed. "I think he wants his breakfast."

"Well, I'm kinda hungry too," said Ray. "For breakfast, I mean. And other things, too, but maybe that can wait 'till after breakfast."

The trio left the hotel and found a corner coffee shop where the staff turned a blind eye to the wolf that accompanied the two men. Diefenbaker happily demolished a plate of bacon and eggs while his human friends picked at their food and discussed their situation.

"So what're ya gonna do about the Ice Queen?" asked Ray. He was holding Fraser's hand under the table. "You're probably right that she won't want ya around; she'll either fire ya outright or she'll transfer ya somewhere on the other side of the world."

"I have my resources, Ray," said the Mountie, squeezing his partner's hand. "Don't worry."

Eventually the two gave up on their meals and gave the leftovers to Dief. They paid their bill and headed to the Consulate. "Ya want me to go in there with ya?" Ray asked his lover.

"No, Ray. Your presence, welcome as it would be to me, would only antagonize the Inspector. I shall return shortly." He kissed Ray quickly before getting out of the car.

Sure enough, Fraser was not gone long - though to Ray it seemed like an eternity. He was carrying the remainder of his possesions that he had not taken with him the previous day. "So how'd it go? What happened? Are ya staying or going?" Ray asked anxiously.

"I spoke to Inspector Thatcher. I told her that I hoped we could act like reasonable adults around each other and maintain a good working relationship. I told her that I have no intention of leaving Chicago, and that if she tried to transfer me against my wishes, or to terminate my employment with the Canadian Government, I would file a complaint against her stating that she is trying to terminate me due to our previous personal relationship, and that Turnbull would back me up. I then informed her that I am taking a short leave of absence to find a new place to live, while she considers her options. When I left she was on the phone to Ottawa, discussing a transfer for herself, I believe."

Ray let out the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. "I don't need to tell ya I was worried, Ben," he said. "I shoulda known you'd have a trick or two up yer sleeve. So, about finding you a place to live...."

"Yes, Ray?"

"Did ya know they allow wolves in my building?"

"No, Ray, I did not know that."

"Yeah, well, they do. And it just so happens my apartment is big enough for two people. "

"Yes, I believe I noticed that the last time I was there."

"I think the turtle could learn to get along with Dief," Ray continued.

"Ray, are you suggesting I move in with you?" Fraser asked.

"No, Fraser, I am not suggesting anything. I am telling you that you are going to move in with me. Today. As soon as we get ya checked out of that fleabag hotel."

"I certainly hope the hotel isn't a 'fleabag.' Diefenbaker suffers miserably if he gets fleas."

"Well then we'll give him a bath. Pitter-patter, let's get at 'er." And they pulled away from the Consulate.

Later, in Ray's apartment, the two men lay in each other's arms. Ray noticed a genuine smile on his lover's face, something made more special by its rarity, though he hoped it would not be as rare from now on.

Ben smiled at him. "I am in the arms of an angel," he said.

"So am I, Ben. So am I."

END