TITLE: "Aiobheann Does CordeFic, In Which Lots Of Muses Wander Around and Chiana Gets Knocked Unconscious -- Yay! -- And Which Also Involves Unfaithful Muses and Tight Leather Pants and Some Crisco, Even"

AUTHOR: Aiobheann

RATING: R for language and assorted m/m

references...and um, a vibrator and some other stuff. Oh, and kink, too -- let's not forget kink. That's all. Really.

PAIRING: John/D'Argo

SUMMARY: Humor, AU. Just read the title, for God's sake.

Also, I'm using Sabrina Cross's BiSlut!John Muse. He comes over and plays with my Bi!D'Argo Muse and my AngstyFlyboy!John Muse a lot. He doesn't always behave himself, though. Thanks, Sabrina! Yee!

Also, no offense to any het 'shippers.

OK, I lied.

I really dislike het 'shippers as a group, although individually some of them are OK people, and I really do mean to be offensive. A bit. But I'm not on the 'Shippers List anymore, am I? Those people would probably shoot me on sight by now. I've turned to the Slash Side of the Force. Wheee!

Anyway, this set of notes is threatening to be longer and almost as weird as the fic, so herewith I desist and present you with the DISCLAIMER: None of these characters as written on the show belong to me, but I keep the respective Muses locked in my office closet and feed them Ramen Noodles. Shrift says that's a good diet for Muses.

ARCHIVE: Anywhere. I don't care. Just tell me where it went.

"Aiobheann Does CordeFic, In Which Lots Of Muses Wander Around and Chiana Gets Knocked Unconscious -- Yay! -- And Which Also Involves Unfaithful Muses and Tight Leather Pants and Some Crisco, Even"

by Aiobheann

"What is that dren?" D'Argo grumbled crossly, leaning over Aiobheann's shoulder and peering at the screen.

"Christ! Can't you let a person know when you Muses decide to invade their life?" Aiobheann said, turning on her horribly uncomfortable ergonomic chair, which she was determined to use because she had bought the damned thing, even though she kept slumping over and propping her foot up on a pillow on the knee rest and thereby defeating the whole purpose of keeping her back straight..

"That chair looks uncomfortable," John remarked.

"Wow, I see now why you got a PhD, John. You're a genius," Aiobheann snapped. "Why do you keep him around, D'Argo?"

"He has a cute ass," D'Argo answered, shrugging.

"True."

Chapter 2

"You've been reading Corde's fic again, haven't you?" D'Argo asked, peering over her shoulder.

Aiobheann guiltily minimized the offending window. "Well, yeah. So?"

Chiana wandered in.

"See? You have people wandering in, just like Corde does. I knew it."

'Will all of you just go away? I'm trying to write, here."

"Trying being the operative word," John snickered.

"Crichton, shut up -- and get your feet off my coffee table!"

John smirked and crossed his feet insolently. Aeryn showed up, carrying a magazine, and thumped him soundly on the head with it and then shoved his feet off the coffee table.

"Thanks, Aeryn. You know, I just might like you after all if you can keep my Muses in line," Aiobheann said.

"If you want me to hang around, why don't you write me into your fic more often?"

"I only write boysmut, you know that."

"Of course she knows -- she has a folder full of your printed-out stories under her bed, right next to the vibr --" Chiana dropped to the floor in mid-sentence, felled by a pantak jab delivered by a red-faced, fuming ex-Peacekeeper.

Chapter 3

"D'Argo, leave the goddamn keyboard alone! I wasn't *ready* for Chapter Three yet!" Aiobheann yelled, slapping D'Argo's hands away from the keys.

"The sooner you get this story over with, the sooner you can get back to writing some -- what does she call it, baby?"

"Hot same-sex monkey love," John said, sidling up to D'Argo and grabbing his ass. "And since when do you call me baby, sweetcheeks?"

"Since I realized how hot it sounds when you say it over and over when I do that thing where I -- " D'Argo leaned down to whisper into John's ear while Aeryn watched avidly, straining to hear D'Argo's lowered voice.

Aiobheann was eavesdropping as well, and her mouth dropped open in surprise. "Hey! I haven't written any sex scene where you did *that*! Are you guys sneaking off and making whoopee without my permission again?"

Meanwhile, John's eyes had grown large and shocked, and he let go of D'Argo's ass in a hurry, pushing him away and standing there with his hands planted on his hips. "You have *so* not done that with me! What the hell are you talking about?"

"What do you mean, I haven't done that with you? I did, too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"He didn't do it with *you* -- he did it with *me*," said a familiar-sounding voice, and all heads turned to see another John-Muse standing in the doorway.

"You?! You aren't *my* John!"

"Hey, you're Sabrina Cross's BiSlut!John Muse -- what are you doing here?" Aiobheann asked.

"And what do you think you're doing with *my* D'Argo?" John asked threateningly.

"Oh, don't get your Calvins in a twist, John," BiSlut!John replied. "It's not my fault that you're Aiobheann's AngstyFlyboy!John Muse. If you'd loosen up a little and have fun, D'Argo wouldn't be so hot for me."

AngstyFlyboy!John and BiSlut!John stood nose to nose, hands fisted, glaring menacingly.

"Oh, yeah?" AngstyFlyboy!John growled. "Well, he loves me, not you! We have a deep, almost spiritual bond between us in those Blood Brother fics! So there!"

"Um, where was that 'deep, almost spiritual bond' last night when *your* D'Argo was banging my brains out in the cockpit of the module, huh?"

AngstyFlyboy!John rounded on D'Argo angrily. "In my *module*?"

"I swear, I thought it was you, John! I would never, ever, cheat on you, sweetie!" D'Argo pleaded.

"I'm not your sweetie!" John roared. "It's bad enough that I have to watch you porking this little -- little -- *tralk* on the show, but now I find out you're doing Sabrina's Muse behind my back? You suck."

"Where do you get off calling *me* a tralk?!" Chiana butted in, having regained consciousness. "At least *I* can frell him on cable TV without upsetting all the homophobic fifteen year olds who are apparently the target audience for that John/Aeryn 'shipper crap!"

"Don't *even* go there, Chiana," John warned her tightly. "So help me, I'll kick that perky little ass of yours up around your ears."

Aeryn felled her with another pantak jab. Just because.

"She's right! At least with *me*, I can explain all the flirting with Aeryn because I'm bi. You...you're just a straight boy afraid of his own feelings. Poor D'Argo has to slink around and practically *beg* for you to give up the goods. And I'd say *you* suck, but you don't have half the talent at sucking cock that I have!" BiSlut!John said.

"Okay, that's it. The ass-kicking begins now," AngstyFlyboy!John announced, preparing to launch himself at the other John-Muse and beat him to a pulp.

"EVERYBODY FREEZE!" Aiobheann bellowed, and everyone stopped dead, looking frightened and guilty, for yea and verily, Aiobheann had unleashed The Mommy Voice upon them.

"You!" she said, pointing at BiSlut!John. "Go home. Now. You tell Sabrina that I said your ass is grounded, boy, and don't lie to her about why you got sent home, because she and I are co-writing a story and I can inflict a world of hurt on you if I so choose. Now, scat."

BiSlut!John meekly left the room. Once the front door had slammed, Aiobheann turned to face the rest of the Muses, hands on her hips and a forbidding expression on her face.

"As for the rest of you little shits...Aeryn, take the unconscious little tralk there and scram. Chi's not even really my Muse, unless I suddenly decided I needed an AnnoyingTralk!Muse...and the cats are shedding all over her." Aiobheann prodded the unconscious Nebari thief with the toe of her sneaker disdainfully.

"Why do I have to take her with me? I don't like her, either!"

"Don't give me your lip, girl. I *know* you don't want me to get started on why I hate that new leather outfit of yours -- I don't need to see your bellybutton winking at me every time you turn around. Put a shirt on, for Christ's sake! Now make like a library and book."

Grumbling under her breath, Aeryn laid hold of Chiana's arms and dragged her, not very carefully, out of the room. AngstyFlyboy!John and D'Argo tried to sneak out after her, to no avail.

"Um, not you two. You ain't going anywhere right now."

Glancing at each other fearfully, they came back in and stood in front of the much shorter but somehow elegantly commanding fan fic writer.

(Hey, you in the back -- shut the hell up! It's my fic, and I can describe myself any damn way I want to! You wanna try doing this? Be my guest -- I dare you to write a fic. Uh-huh...I thought so. Now pipe down!)

'If the two of you don't straighten up and fly right, I'm gonna lock you in the closet with the new Muses Sabrina gave me yesterday."

"No, you wouldn't do that!" John cried. "Not...not..."

"Oh, yeah, I would. You might find yourselves spending some quality time with StrictDom!D'Argo and AngstySubmissive!John if you don't shut up and play nice. Got it?"

"Yes ma'am," they both repeated in unison.

The End

"Hey! Who did that?" Aiobheann demanded.

"I sensed that you had run out of steam, my dear, and I wanted to end this farce before you managed to bring in singing PeaceKeeper Captains or Crichton in boxer shorts or any of those other Corde-isms," Zhaan replied serenely.

"And you have a *problem* with Crichton in boxer shorts? What kind of pagan priestess are you?" Aiobheann turned back to her duly chastised Muses. "Strip, Johnboy."

"Now?"

"Yes, now. We need a little visual aid, here," Aiobheann leered.

Grumbling under his breath, John peeled off his painfully tight leather pants and his cute, drool-worthy black tee. Underneath he wore a pair of Calvins that were pretty much transparent with the Crisco that was necessary to get the pants on him in the first place.

"See? He's a work of art. Look at that butt. And look -- he's so cute when he blushes!"

Painfully embarrassed, John tried to cover up the naughty bits that were pretty much on full view, and Aiobheann and Zhaan laughed at him while D'Argo backed up a few steps to fully appreciate the butt in question.

"Wuss," said Zhaan.

"But cute. There is that." Aiobheann replied.

"True. And here's this -- " Zhaan said.

THE END

"Already?" D'Argo asked mournfully.

From off in the distance -- say, out in the driveway where Aiobheann's car was parked -- a voice could now be heard, singing:

Who's the prettiest PK Captain of all? It's me! It's me!

Shuddering, Aiobheann couldn't help but agree. "Yep, this is definitely THE END -- and hurry it up, before Crais gets here."

THE END.

FOR REAL.

I MEAN IT.