TITLE: "BLUE ON BLUE"

AUTHOR: Alison M. DOBELL

FANDOM: "Farscape"

PAIRING: John/D'Argo

RATING: 'R'. M/M *SLASH*

STATUS: New.

ARCHIVE: Yes. Just let me know where.

FEEDBACK: Welcomed

The usual disclaimers apply. No infringement of copyright is intended.


"BLUE ON BLUE"
Written by Alison M. DOBELL
* * * *

Chiana was quarrelling with Rygel when D'Argo walked into the canteen. He huffed when he saw them, relieved to find Chiana but annoyed that Rygel was with her. Chiana stopped talking and looked at him, immediately aware that something was wrong. Rgyel naturally took a few microts to catch up. "What the yotz do you think you're looking at? You look terrible."

"Better than John." He said heavily.

Immediately Rygel was contrite. "I'm sorry. How is he?"

"Yeah, how is he?"

D'Argo sat down. He looked down at his hands and Chiana scooted over to hunker down next to him, her head tilted to rest on his forearm. "Did Zhaan find out what was wrong?"

He looked at her and Rygel. Wondering what to tell them. His conscience was weighing heavily on him. He could not eat, sleep, and worst of all was the fear that he would not only lose Crichton but the baby as well. He looked at Chiana, tears in his eyes. She straightened up a little and gently
touched his face in wonder. He cried so seldom it brought tears to her own eyes. "He's gonna make it. Tell me he's gonna make it, D'Argo?"

The tears spilled out. He shook his head and shrugged at the same time. "I don't know, Chiana." He closed his eyes and sobs wracked his body. Chiana stood up and put her arms around him, cradling him in an effort to comfort him.

Rygel looked sorrowful. Stunned and upset at the thought that Crichton might actually die. "Is there anything we can do?" He whispered.

D'Argo opened his eyes, the pain self evident as he shook his head. Just then Aeryn walked in, her stride brisk and purposeful. She looked at D'Argo, her expression determined. "D'Argo, what is going on with John? Zhaan won't let me see him."

"He is very ill, Aeryn."

"I know that!" She snapped. "I want to know what the yotz is going on, and I want to know *now*!"

Chiana tried to intercede. "Aeryn, perhaps you should calm down..."

Aeryn turned eyes that blazed upon Chiana. D'Argo got up quickly, not wanting this to turn into a brawl. He felt bad enough without making things worse. He looked from one face to the other, his hearts failing at the thought of how they would react to the truth and how much of it he should
tell them. It was Aeryn who decided for him.

"D'Argo if you know what is wrong with John, I demand you tell me!"

He sucked in a breath. He could lie and Zhaan would be silent. But he could not keep it inside any longer. He had planned to tell Chiana when they were alone together but looking at his friends he realised they had a right to know the truth. To see the real depth of his shame. He looked sadly at them, his eyes coming back to rest on Aeryn's. "You had better sit down,
Aeryn. You are not going to like what I have to say."

Aeryn looked as if she would defy him but something in his expression made her falter. She grabbed a chair and sat. "In a way I'm glad you're all here." He said softly, his voice rumbling with sadness and emotion. Chiana sat next to him. Rygel manouevred his thronesled nearer. "For you to understand why I did what I did you need to know something." He looked at Chiana, his expression softening with love for her. She tilted her head, no clue as to what he was about to say. "I'm sorry Chiana, but the others need to know that you and I are not compatible." He looked up at Aeryn and Rygel. "We cannot have children."

Chiana jumped up, her face clouding with anger. Upset. Her hands balled into fists at her side. She felt hurt, betrayed. "D'Argo, how could you?"

He caught her wrist before she could storm out of the room. "Chiana, sit. Please. What I have to tell you is worse than any secret we might have between us."

Her face paled. Worse? What the hezmana could be worse? She sat suddenly as if her legs had turned to jelly and could no longer support her. Aeryn was getting impatient but made herself wait.

"Over the cycles we have been together I have become fond of you all." He looked at Rygel wrly. "Even you, your emminence."

Rygel was so startled by the respectful address that he forgot to berate him.

"My feelings for you all are deep. As you know I had very little time or patience with John when he first came aboard. I thought he was deficient."

Rygel snorted at the memory then resisted the urge to pass comment when Aeryn glared at him.

"As I have spent more time with all of you that has changed. My feelings have changed."

"What has that got to do with John?" Said Aeryn losing patience.

"Everything, Aeryn, because what happened to John is *my* fault. And if he dies that will be my fault too."

* * * * *

Now that Zhaan knew what to look for she was surprised she had not found traces earlier. The amniotic fluid was absent. There was no womb. The seed had lodged between Crichton's organs but incredibly was growing and healthy in spite of less than hospitable conditions. Even had she looked harder the most she would have detected was a growth. An abnormality in cell culture
perhaps, but never would she have assumed it to be the embryo of a child. She rested her hands gently on Crichton's stomach, her eyes closed as she prayed to Kah'leen to watch over and protect the baby. Crichton was awake, lying naked but for a sheet over him in Zhaan's apothecary. Still
stunned by the knowledge that he carried D'Argo's child. That D'Argo had set out to seduce him for just such a purpose. It hurt to think his friend would use him in this fashion but there was also something surreal about the whole thing. He was tempted to throw back his head and laugh at the
absurdity of it all but was afraid he would just be violently sick again.

Zhaan smiled, her eyes still closed. She really was beautiful, he thought. Serene, calm, and so patient and loving with him that his anger disolved at her touch. She knew he was hurting and knew why. Knew he was sorrowful that it might not be possible for Zhaan to save them both.
He wanted to live, with a passion the equal of any man of any race. Yet he did not want the baby to die. Did not wish to live at the baby's expense. Not because it was D'Argo's. Not even because it was his. But because to him all life was sacred. Zhaan knew this and cherished him even more.
His compassion was one of the many things she loved him for. She opened her eyes and looked at him. Blue on blue. She raised a hand to cradle his cheek and placed her cool forehead against his hot one.

"I don't know that I can stand unity in this condition, Zhaan." He joked softly. "Besides, don't want to upset the baby."

Her smile was so gentle he felt he could lose himself in it. "Dear John, I do not wish to invoke unity. I wish to allow you to commune with your son."

His eyes fluttered. Sure he had misheard her. "Son?"

She nodded. "Yes."

"You can tell what sex the baby is?"

Again she nodded. Amused.

"That's incredible Zhaan!"

"Do you wish to see?"

A look of awe crept over his face. "What do I have to do?"

"Close your eyes and I will do the rest. Relax, John. I will let you hold your son in your mind, see him and touch him with your thoughts."

It was strange. Such a peaceful joining, his strong heartbeat absorbing the smaller one as if by doing so he could protect him from all harm. Tears ran down his cheeks. Tears of joy. "Hello, little fella. I wish we could meet under better circumstances. I want you to hang on in there
because we're gonna do everything we can so you can be born whole and healthy." He paused and took a moment to get his emotions in check. "I don't want you to worry about a thing. We're gonna take such good care of you...."

Zhaan slowly withdrew the link. Crichton closed his eyes, still for a microt, trying to stop himself from trembling with reaction. He opened his eyes and looked at the Delvian priestess. "Thanks, Zhaan."

She inclined her head graciously. "You are welcome, John. You know I will have to operate?"

He nodded, unable to stop the pain showing in his eyes. "I wish there was another way, Zhaan. That we could give him longer, wait until he is stronger."

"If we wait any longer he will be too large, some of your organs will be damaged and so will he. The baby may not be able to stand that kind of pressure."

"I know, Zhaan." He broke off, his voice cracking. For a microt he said nothing. "Zhaan?"

"Yes, John?"

"Where's D'Argo?"

She hesitated. "He was upset."

"I know. I want to see him."

She looked at him for a microt. "Are you sure?"

"Why wouldn't I be sure? Look, I know I was mad as hell - hezmana - but I've had time to think. I'm still not thrilled about what he did but the baby didn't ask to be born and we have to do what is right. Help me out here, Zhaan."

Zhaan tilted her head at him, her smile becoming so gentle it tugged at his heartstrings. "Always, John."

* * * * *

Aeryn's eyes flashed with a fury, a rage so terrible that D'Argo actually took a step back before reminding himself that he deserved this. She pushed him backwards with her hands thrust against his chest, her lips peeled back showing her teeth as she snarled at him. The others were shocked and in various stages of rage and distress. Chiana was crying, still not able to believe D'Argo's confession.

"John is your *friend*, D'Argo. How could you do this to him?"

"I know Aeryn. That is why I chose him."

She struck, her fist taking him by surprise but not enough to fell him. There were tears in her eyes, a cornupcopia of emotions that included betrayal as well as anger. He wanted to comfort her, soothe her, make things right but knew now was not the time. The wounds were too fresh, too raw. And there were some wounds he knew that would never heal. "I'm sorry, Aeryn."

"Sorry?" She spat the word out so that it was thick with venom and disbelief. "How can you say that word and not choke, Ka D'Argo?"

Her scorn made him flinch.

"John trusted you. *I* trusted you. How can I ever trust you again?"

He had no answer. He felt miserable, hurt and desperately sorry about the way things were turning out. In his mind he had imagined a much different scene. It had never occurred to him that Crichton's human physiology would not make it possible for him to carry the child. Rygel was the most concise of all of them. "I am disappointed in you, D'Argo. As you know I have no love of Luxans but I did at least believe you had honour."

D'Argo hung his head. Not able to look at Rygel. Not daring to look at Chiana. He could hear her sobbing quietly, every tear she cried a further rent in the walls of his hearts. Every word that damned him a sword that cut him deeper than pulse fire. He wanted to be consumed by their rage.
Torn apart by their condemnation. Perhaps if they tore him limb from limb he could assuage the terrible guilt and sorrow in his hearts and find oblivion in death? But even that was to be denied him.

None of them heard Zhaan. Her voice reminded them all that Crichton's condition was perilous. Anxious faces angled towards her own, their angry voices stilled by concern. She looked at them all then looked at D'Argo. Her expression was disapproving, sad, but her voice reflected nothing
of what she felt. She had a message to deliver for Crichton and she would deliver it. If D'Argo did not come she was prepared to drag him there herself. "John is asking to see you, D'Argo."

He looked so surprised, his expression one of tortured sorrow. Zhaan stood to one side. "I suggest we do not keep him waiting."

D'Argo nodded and walked passed her with the steps of a penitent, Zhaan right behind him. The others exchanged a quick glance then followed Zhaan. When they got to the apothecary, Zhaan sent D'Argo right in then turned to face the others. Blocking their passage.

"I want to see him." Said Aeryn.

She nodded. "I know, but for now he wants to see D'Argo alone. Considering what he has done I would say he has that right."

No one argued. They were still angry but also oddly subdued, knowing that Crichton was lying inside the apothecary growing weaker and weaker. They wanted to see him. To be there. To help. If necessary, to hold his hand as he lay dying. When had this human come to mean so much to
them? Why did it feel as if they were losing part of themselves? The part they understood the least but cherished most? Chiana was still trying to work out *why* D'Argo thought seducing Crichton would help them. Her feelings for the human were less confused than the others. He was her first protector, her champion. A lone voice that spoke up for her in the face of a wall of
derision from the others. They had treated her as outcast. He treated her as family. She loved him and never once had cause to question that love. She loved D'Argo in a different way. Her feelings for him much more intimate which was why his words had pained her so much. Not just what he had done but the fact that he had done this to Crichton. The last person in the universe to deserve this treatment. She could not understand. Was sure she would never be able to forgive him.

* * * * *

D'Argo was thinking much the same thing as he approached the bed where Crichton lay. He looked terrible, his skin so pale and clammy. His eyes kept closing as if he was finding it hard to stay away. He looked so weak, so vulnerable. D'Argo felt new tears slide down his face. His shame complete. Crichton turned his head and saw him. Was shocked at the state of D'Argo. His anger spent. It took strength to fuel the rage and he had none left, just sadness. "D'Argo."

The Luxan nodded and took a seat next to the sickbed. Crichton frowned, the chair was too far away for him to reach out and touch the Luxan. He raised his eyes to meet D'Argo's. "Afraid you'll catch something?"

D'Argo did not understand the reference. Crichton sighed softly.

"I don't want to have to shout, D'Argo."

"Huh?" Then he realised what Crichton meant and sheepishly pulled his chair much closer. "Oh. Sorry."

Crichton looked at him for a moment, seeing the pain, the sorrow, the desperate need to punish himself for his actions wer written all over the Luxan's face. Not so many monens ago he would have thought it impossible to read that much detail in one so alien. Now it had become second
nature to him. "D'Argo, I need you to explain why you did what you did. Not the little pep talk you gave me earlier but the whole shebang."

"John," D'Argo's voice was choking him. He paused and swallowed, took a deep breath and tried again. "I don't know if I can do that."

"Try."

D'Argo looked at him, saw nothing but calm acceptance in the human's eyes. That and a sadness so deep that it rocked him. He reached out and brushed a hand gently across his face then aborted the gesture as if realising what he had done. Shame swept through him and he looked down, trembling. He was surprised to feel Crichton's hand reach out to touch his. "It's okay, D'Argo." He said softly.

The Luxan looked at him with such wonder and awe on his face that Crichton was tempted to laugh only he was too weak. He sensed that he did not have much time. "Tell me, D'Argo. Do this for me but do it now. I don't know how much longer I can hold on but I need to understand
this. I need to know why."

He nodded. "You are my friend, John. Perhaps the only one who would understand." He paused. "I love Chiana with all my hearts but I also love you. It is hard to explain. I told you that Luxans can switch from male to female. A Luxan male who switches gender to fertilise the female is
also able to carry the embryo inside him and to give birth. That is why Luxan males have several mivonks. The one in the centre, here, is for that purpose and that purpose alone. The others are pleasure centres to deepen sexual arousal and carry the secretions for that purpose."

Crichton felt understanding starting to click into place. "And my navel...."

"Is in the correct place for just such a mivonks. Imagine my surprise, my joy, when I discovered what I thought was a similar function in your human physiology." He broke off a moment to gather his thoughts. "I wanted to seduce you, John, I cannot lie and will not lie about that. I felt
lust for you, I care for you, wanted to express my feelings without offending you. The penetration though was not planned. I saw the opportunity and took it. You looked so beautiful lying there after we had made love. I knew I could bring you pleasure, that I could do this without causing you pain. I did not realise by doing this I could *only* cause you pain."

His voice broke and it was Crichton comforting him. His hand gently squeezing D'Argo's. His eyes so full of compassion the Luxan was convinced he would drown in them. He wanted to kiss him, to hold him, to show him how much love he had in his hearts for him even though he believed he had forfeited that right. "Chiana and I were not compatible but it did not stop us. Our love is very strong and I know how blessed I am to have found her. I don't want to lose her."

Crichton frowned but did not interrupt. D'Argo began to stroke his cheek, his breath stirring against the human's face as he leaned in a little close to tell him what had driven him. "We could not have children and I knew that Chiana wanted to have a child. Not any child but *my* child. Had there been another Luxan on board it would have been a simple thing to ask for their assistance."

"Wait, you mean like a surrogate mother type of thing?"

"I do not know that word."

"It's like having someone stand in for you."

He nodded. "Yes."

"But how could it ever be your and Chiana's baby, D'Argo?"

D'Argo smiled softly and brushed a kiss on Crichton's lips. Tasting him before pulling away. "Chiana and I had made love earlier. I carried the fertilised seed inside me, John, but I could not bear to let it be wasted. To flush it out of my system. The urge to create offspring is very strong
when Luxans take a mate. I had not intended to impregnate anyone, did not think I would find anyone suitable or capable of that honour. Then I saw you. Your scent filled my nostrils, I could not get you out of my mind. Initially I had intended to ask your advice, your help, but then the
stirrings of lust took over and....well, you know the rest."

Crichton nodded. Stunned. "So this little fella has nothing of me in him?"

The Luxan chuckled. "No, but you have a lot of *him* in you."

He smiled then became solemn. Serious. "So what do we do here, D'Argo? How do we save the little guy?"

"Zhaan has to operate, John. Remove him before the foetus kills you."

"If Zhaan does that, the baby'll die."

For the longest time D'Argo said nothing. His hearts ached. Breaking inside him with emotions he could not hold back. They looked deep into each others' eyes. D'Argo lost in the blue expanse that was now tinged with deep understanding. Crichton felt tears threatening, not helped by new
ones rolling silently down the big Luxan's face. He knew now how important this was to D'Argo. Knew his friend had never intended to risk his life for his own selfish ends. Knew that none of that mattered now. "I don't want the baby to die." He whispered, voice aching.

D'Argo drew a hand across Crichton's lips to hush him, his eyes awash with tears. "And I do not want you to die, my friend. I have already asked too much of you without asking this."

"I've had a good life, D'Argo..."

D'Argo shook his head, something like anger flaring at the very idea that he would sacrifice his friend's life for one as yet unborn. Behind that anger was a deeper pain. "I will not allow it to happen."

"Call Zhaan, D'Argo."

The Luxan hesitated, suddenly afraid. "What are you going to tell her?"

"I'm gonna tell blue it's time to get this show on the road."

* * * * *
END