Title: Quoting Papa Bear, or Who's Been Sleeping in My Bed?

Author: Scribe

Fandom: Xena: Warrior Princess

Pairing: None

Status: Finished

Type: Song fic/humor, lyrics at end of story

Archive: Sure

Disclaimer: Hell, I WISH I owned them. I'd get plenty of exercise without having to leave the house.

Rating: Mm, R, for language and inuendo

In answer to Christine's challenge. Thanks for the plot bunny.

Quoting Papa Bear, or Who's Been Sleeping in My Bed
by Scribe

Ares surveyed the battlefield with a sense of satisfaction. Not bad. Just the right amout of
carnage. He had taken almost a week setting up this one. Perhaps that seemed like a lot of time to spend on a single battle, but this one was important. It had to be just bad enough to persuade that troop of remegade Spartans that breaking away was NOT a good idea, while not losing too many useful followers.

*This turned out well,* he thought. *I feel like celebrating. What is it Stife says in situations like
this? 'I'm goin' to Disneyland!'? I'll have to get him to tell me what that means. I wonder if
Disneyland has had a good, old-fashioned war lately? Anyway, I know where _I_ want to go to celebrate.*

The last of the Spartans, who were helping their wounded comrades off the field looked up as Ares raised his sword over his head, shouted something, and disappeared in a shower of red sparks and a boom of thunder. One of them looked at another and said, "What the hell does 'I'm goin' to Joxieland!' mean?"

*****

Ares appeared in the small, neat cottage he'd built for Joxer. Joxer had wheedled him into it, saying that he was tired of having relations and gods dropping in at awkward times. The last time Ares, sweaty and satisfied from a bout of good lovin', had rolled off of Joxer and found Strife sitting cross-legged at the foot of the bed, munching popcorn, he'd agreed.

Joxer wouldn't accept anything remotely palatial, reminding his lover that the whole point of the
venture was to have a place that wouldn't be noticed. It was a completely typical little hut--at least on the outside. Inside...

It still wasn't all THAT remarkable. He had insisted on the standard two rooms--a combination kitchen, dining room and social room, and a bedroom. Ares had to do a little study to get the kitchen section right, since he'd never had need for one himself. He'd started to argue with Joxer about the necessity of a cooking area (he could arrange to have food appear on a regular basis). Ares had been secretly pleased when Joxer informed him that he wanted the kitchen because
he intended to COOK for Ares, when he had the chance. Aphrodite had told him that never mind going all the way, or swallowing--TRUE love meant COOKING for someone.

Joxer wasn't home. Ares quashed his irritation when he found that his lover wasn't immediately available, then he felt a little ashamed of himself. Well, it HAD been over a week. He couldn't expect Joxer to just sit around, waiting. He had to go out and trail Xena, or practise heroics, or (Ares snickered) battle... well, whoever needed battling.

*I know--I'll be in bed, waiting for him, when he returns. I know that's the sort of surprise I'D
like--a LOT.*

Ares walked back into the bedroom. He'd insisted on supplying the bed. After all, he didn't want some flimsy, mortal made piece of trash that would collapse the first time they played Bucking Bronco. The bed took up most of the room. In fact, it was impossible for Joxer to ever get up on the wrong side of the bed because there was only ONE side of the bed that wasn't up against a wall. Ares smiled wolfishly. It sure was fun to trap Joxer in the corner.

The sheets were rumpled. Ares shook his head in fond irritation. That man. He wasn't a pig, but he certainly wasn't a housekeeper. Ares thought this with absolutely no irony, never considering the fact that his own housekeeping efforts consisted of THINKING about it.

He started to think the sheets straight, then reached down and began to straighten them by hand. He liked the idea of touching the sheets that had covered his lover's body. He was smoothing one of the pillows when he found the hair.

Ares plucked the hair off the pillow and examined it. it was fairly short, no longer than his little finger, and it was gray. *GRAY?!" Ares quickly materialized a mirror. He examined himself minutely, combing through his hair frantically. Finally he sighed with relief and thought the mirror away. No gray. He still had a few centuries to go before he had to worry about THAT. So what...?

He sat on the bed, examining the hair. He thought back to the last time he'd been with Joxer. He'd had a very good look at his lover's hair, since Joxer's head had been bobbing up and down in his lap for quite some time. No, there hadn't been any gray there, either. So, it wasn't his, and it wasn't Joxer's. That meant...

Ares scowled. Thunder crashed. Cattle stampeded. Babies cried. Strife let go of Cupid's ass for a
moment, frowning up at the ceiling. When he didn't hear his name screamed, he shrugged and went back to what he was doing.

The God of War ran the hair through his fingers, resisting the urge to make it burst into flames. He wanted to keep the evidence, to confront Joxer. He examined it again. *Gray? He's cheating on me with some old duffer? I don't believe this! If he wanted a daddy, I could have done that. Hell, I LIKE doing that! Grrrrrr. Oh, he is in SO much trouble. Of course, that doesn't even COMPARE to how much trouble his piece-on-the-side is in. First, I'll turn him over to Strife for a couple of decades, THEN I'll get nasty...*

He heard the front door open, and Joxer said, "No, you can't come in yet. I know you--you'll want to go straight into the bedroom. Ares may drop by any time now, and I don't think he'd like to find you curled up in my bed."

"Oh, REALLY?"

The door slammed. "Is that you, honey?"

Ares stalked into the front room. "Who ELSE would it be?"

The lanky young man smiled at him, "Oh, you know. People drop by." He went to Ares and kissed him. The God of War did not respond, standing stiffly. Joxer pulled back, looking puzzled, then smiled again sheepishly. "Oops! Forgot how bumpy this stuff is." He began to remove the odd assortment of objects that he called (without a trace of humor) his armor. For a moment Ares was distracted. Well, Joxer stripping tended to do that to him.

He shook his head, reminding himself of the situation. *All right. I can deal with this. I can behave with restraint and dignity. I can be civilized. I'll give Joxer a chance to explain. Then I'll find the SOB who's been screwing him and rip his entrails out with one of Arachne's lace tatting needles.*

Joxer was unbuckling something that slightly resembled a chastity belt *HAH! Though maybe that wouldn't be such a bad idea...* Ares thought. Joxer said, "Pretty smart, huh?" He tapped it. "Protects the old family jewels. I'm thinking of patenting it. It would be great for, like athelets, or people who had to deliver bills to Amazons." He squinted at Ares. "You're looking kinda intense." Pause. "Well, more intense than usual. What's bothering you?"

He cleared his throat and said calmly, "Well, Joxer, I hardly know what to say. I keep thinking that this can't be true."

"What can't be true?" He studied his helmet, then set it on the table. "You know, I've been trying to figure out how I could cook that new food I got from a Chinese trader, it's called spaghet, but I haven't been able to figure out how to drain it without spilling it all over the place." He touched the helmet thoughtfully. "There's an idea here that I can't QUITE bring into focus."

"Will you stop talking nonsense?"

"If you insist, but I can get pretty boring like that."

"Joxer, this is serious."

The grin faded. "I can do serious. Tell me what's on your mind."

"I have this feeling... Believe me, I've tried to ignore it, but I just can't let go of the idea that
someone has been getting next to you."

Joxer's jaw dropped. "You're kidding, right?"

"Look, we have to settle this now. I don't want to be your fool. I'm a man, and I can't let myself lose my cool." Joxer sniggered. His eyes narrowed, Ares said, "My friends have told me that there had to be something going on." Actually, it had been Apollo who'd suggested that Joxer, being a mere mortal, wouldn't be faithful. Ares had a feeling that it might have been mainly wishful thinking on 'pollo's side. He wasn't going to tell Joxer that, though. Instead he said, "Deep in my heart, I don't want to believe that, Joxer. I hope that it's wrong, but I don't see how it can be." He held up the hair.

Joxer looked, raised an eyebrow. Exasperated, Ares held it up in front of his nose. Frowning, Joxer grabbed his wrist to steady it (Ares's pulse shot up), squinting. He raised both eyebrows, and looked at Ares questioningly. "And this means?"

"It MEANS?!" Ares shook the hair at him. "It means somebody's sleeping in my bed. Somebody's TAKING my bed, and you know just what I mean!"

He stalked back and forth, waving his arms. "I come here, expecting your warm embrace, and something's wrong." He pointed at Joxer accusingly. "Don't deny it! It's written all over your face."

"It's called 'shock'. You think I'm CHEATING on you?"

"It hurt so bad when I came through that door and found this." *Okay, I have him off balance. Let's try a little threat. That should have him on his knees, begging forgiveness...* The thought of Joxer on his knees almost distracted Ares again, but he ruthlessly dragged himself back, and tried his tactic. "You know what? I just may not come back here again."

Joxer's voice was high pitched and incredulous. "Let me get this straight--you're threatening to leave me over a HAIR?"

Ares held up a hand, as if stopping protestations of innocense. "Don't try to tell me things are still the same between us." He remembered an incident he'd let Joxer talk his way out of, and said darkly. "When we made love, I heard you call out his name."

Joxer groaned. "Fuck, you're not bringing THAT up again, are you?"

"You did. You called out 'Orestes'."

"I TOLD you that you should see Hephastus about a hearing aid. I said 'Testes, TESTES'! You were trying out that new position and you pinched my..."

"A likely story."

"I SHOWED you the bruises. In fact..." he sidled closer, gazing up at Ares seductively, "If I remember correctly, you kissed it and made it better."

"Harumph. Yes, well..." He held up the hair again. "That doesn't change the facts about THIS."

"I don't know how..." Joxer's face cleared. "Oh. OH!" He started to grin again, but stifled it
quickly, saying, "You know, Ares, you've been away a lot lately. It got kind of lonely around here."

"YOU ADMIT IT?!"

"How can I deny it? You have..." he pointed at the hair, "proof. Yes, I took someone else into my home, into my life, and into my bed."

Ares staggered. Despite it all, he'd been hoping that Joxer would deny it, or at least beg his forgiveness and promise it would never happen again. Trying to keep his voice from choking, Ares said, "I gave you money..."

"No, you didn't. I refused it, remember?"

"Well, I WOULD have. But I gave you everything you needed." He swept a hand around the room. "I gave you the world, because you were mine, and still you ran out on me. I can't believe it. You took someone to my bed. You let him play games with my mind." His voice dropped to a growl. "Who is he? Is he this Orestes person?"

"I TOLD you about that. No. His name is Phillip. Well, that's what I call him, he didn't tell me his real name." Now it was Ares's turn to drop his jaw. Joxer, and an anonymous pick-up? "Phillip means 'loving' right, and he is SUCH a snuggler. I mean, unless I lock him out, I can't sleep without waking up to find him laying on top of me..."

Ares groaned. "Oh, Joxer. Why did you do this to me?"

"I told you--you weren't around, and I was lonely. Would you like to meet him? He's right outside."

Stunned at his lover's callousness, Ares said sadly, "I don't want to play the fool any more Joxer."

"Oh, another minute won't hurt." He opened the door and, stepping out, called, "Phillip? Ares is here. You know, I told you about him. He's the one who shares Daddy's bed."

*Daddy? You mean to tell me that JOXER plays Daddy to some guy with gray hair?*

"No, don't run! He won't hurt you."

"I won't?" He started building up an energy ball.

"No, don't cut those beautiful green eyes at me--it's time you met him. "Come here, sweetheart. Let me hold you. Ow! Stop that! I swear, I'm clipping those nails."

*He HURT Joxer?!* Ares started to work up an energy ball for the other hand.

Joxer, arms crossed protectively over his chest, came back in to find Ares weighing a crackling red ball of power in each hand. "What are you DOING?"

"Getting ready to take care of business."

"Well, put those out. Zeus, it's making my hair stand on end." Sure enough, silky dark brown strands were waving around his head as vigorously as Medusa's snakes. "Ares, please! You'll make poor Phillip look like a dandelion gone to seed."

"What?"

A triangular face set with emerald green eyes peeked out of the crook of Joxer's elbow, and there was an indignant, "Mrrrrrow!"

"What the FUCK?" The powerballs disappeared, and Ares stepped closer. "A cat? Phillip is a CAT?"

"Of course."

Now Ares could see a plumy gray tail whipping angrily against Joxer's chest. "Zeus! I've never seen a cat with hair that long."

"I think he comes from Persia. Anyway, the guy I rescued him from was wearing those curly toed
slippers, so I thought..."

"Rescued him?"

Joxer kicked the door shut and set the cat on a chair, stroking him gently. "Okay, I was walking along the river, right? I came to this pool, and here was this guy trying to poke a sack down into the water, with all these other sacks laying on the ground behind him, and I could hear this awful hissing and yowling coming from the sack, so I knew he was trying to drown some poor little kitties. He kept muttering something about all his wives and their damn kits and cats, and the geometric prosession of animal reproduction, and how he didn't know how he'd ever get to St. Ives with such a load, and... Well, I'm a hero, right? I defend the helpless. I rescued the cats."

"You rescued the cats?"

"Yep. I charged in there and knocked him over the head, then dragged the bag in and opened it, and opened all of the sacks, and... and..." He whistled, eyes wide. "They just BOILED out, and they were all pissed, and, uh, they kinda ate him."

"Are you sure Strife wasn't anywhere around?"

"I didn't see him. Then they all took off into the woods. I don't think we'll have a rodent problem
around here for a long time. In fact, the stray dog problem may be taken care of."

"If they all ran, how did you get him?"

Joxer looked grave. "Phillip had swallowed a lot of water. I had to give him mouth-to-muzzle."

Ares grimaced. "Joxer, you put your mouth..."

"Shall I remind you that I've had it places almost as fuzzy, that didn't smell THAT much better? So..." He plucked the hair from Ares's hand, then picked one up off the chair by Phillip's feet and held them side by side. "Perfect match."

"I... I..."

"Yes, Ares. The tomcat you thought was beating your time is an actual tomcat."

"Ooooh, boy." He ducked his head. "I... uh... I was gone a long time, wasn't I?"

"Not even a parchment."

"I'm sorry, Joxer." No answer. "I'm in trouble, right?"

Joxer rolled his eyes upward, as if thinking, then said, "Nah. You're improving. There was a time when you would have asked for an explaination while I was naked, strapped somewhere dark and cold, and surrounded by sharp objects. But don't think for a minute that I'm going to let you forget this."

Joxer pushed Ares smartly on the chest, dropping him down into the chair. Phillip vacated it just in time, and went to sulk under the table. Joxer climbed on Ares's lap, throwing his arms around his lover's neck. "The only person I want shedding gray hairs in my bed is you."

"But Jox, I'm a god. Do you have any idea how long it will take for me to grow gray hair?"
Joxer kissed him lustily, then smiled. "I'm willing to wait."

The End

In My Bed

Nah, nah, this can't be true

I got this feeling
and I just can't turn it loose
that somebody's been getting next to you

Don't wanna walk around
knowing I was your fool
cause being the man that I am
I just can't loose my cool.

My friends keep telling me
about the things that's going on
but deep in my heart, baby
I hope that I'm wrong, yes I hope that I'm wrong
but I know it, babe.

Somebody's sleeping in my bed
somebody's taking my bed
somebody's sleeping in my bed
and you know just what I mean

I come home early expecting your warm embrace
something is wrong
cause it's written all over your face.

It hurts so bad
when I walk through the door
but you know one damn thing, babe
I ain't coming back no more.

Now, don't try to tell me
things are still the same
cause when we made love
I heard you call out his name, call out his name.

Somebody's sleeping in my bed
somebody's taking my bed
somebody's sleeping in my bed
somebody's taking my place.

Girl, I want you to know
I gave you money
and every little thing that you need
I gave you the world
cause you were my girl
but you still ran out on me

Somebody's sleeping in my bed
sleeping in my bed, messing with my head
somebody's taking my bed
tell me why oh why oh why, why oh why oh why, why oh
why oh why
somebody's sleeping in my bed
I said a sleeping in my bed, messing with my head
somebody's taking my place.

Now if you truly love me,
then this would not be happening
sleeping in my bed, messing with my head
Oh, no no no no.
Got to let you know, yes I do

Why'd you do it to me?
Why'd you do it?
I don't wanna be a fool no more.