Title: What If The Jerry Springer Show Wrote Xena?

Author: Scribe

Fandom: Xena, sorta

Pairing: Ares/Joxer, Cupid/Strife, but only implied. They don't go that far, even on Jerry.

Status: Done

Archive: Yes, thank you kindly

Disclaimer: I don't own 'em, and how dare you

insinuate that I WOULD own Jerry Springer! No cash collected for this.

Summary: Answer to the AJCS 'What if _____ wrote' challenge.

Warnings: Rampant silliness, sorta Mary Sue, and cameo appearances by some AJCS list sibs. :) Ya can sue if ya wanna, but y'all already know I'm broke.

:
Rating: R

What if The Jerry Springer Show Wrote Xena?
By Scribe

*wild cheers and applause as Jerry comes down the center aisle with his microphone*

"Hello, welcome!" *looks serious* "We have a timely and relevant show today. I'd say it ranks right up there with 'You Don't Satisfy Me, So I Took a Plunge In the Office Pool'. By the way, we have word that Wallace has accepted a plea bargain, and Candi's sex reassignment was a roaring success. We'll see more of him, er, her on a future show entitled 'From Testosterone to Titty Bars--My Wife is a Transgender Stripper, and I Want a Divorce!'." *more cheers and applause*

"We like to think that all our guests are special, but most of today's have a little something extra. No, I'm not talking about third breasts, that will be covered in 'You're Just Jealous Because I Take a Triple D'. No, some of our participants today are divine, and I'm not talking about looks."

*Strife's voice hollers from off stage* "Ya damn well should be. We're gorgeous."

*Jerry clears his throat and waves at the stage* "Today we have a trio who are concerned that the people that they care about are in relationships that are not only inappropriate, but perhaps downright dangerous. Part of that danger is because the significant other in question is, well, quite
literally not of this world. No, not a ghost. We covered that in 'It's Time to Lose that Ectoplasm!'.
And they aren't demonically possessed, because we covered that in 'He's Just Spinning Your Head--180 Degrees'. No, as I said before, these suspect sweeties are literally divine. So, let's start
today's show--'I Don't Care If the Sex Is Heavenly--He's the Wrong God For You'. Please welcome our guests. Xena, a demi-goddess in her own right..." *Xena folds her arms, looking grim.* "Her long time companion..."

Gabrielle: "Excuse me--lover." *Xena rolls her eyes.*

Jerry: "Um, yes." *mutters* "What the hell? It's not like the sponsers will freak." *raises his voice
again* "Xena's lover, Gabrielle." *Gabrielle does the 'Queen Mum of England hand wave' at the audience* "And Hercules--demi-god and quite possibly the first boy scout in existence." *Hercules flashes a Pepsodent smile, which is odd because Pepsodent wasn't invented till, like, twenty centuries after his time* *loud snorting sound* "What was that?"

Strife's voice: "Will ya hurry up? Unc is gettin both pissed an' bored--not a good combination."

Jerry: "So, first off, something a little unusual--you all three have the same profession, am I right?"

Xena: "That's right, Jerry. We're all heros and protectors of the innocent and downtrodden."

Gabby: *raises and waves hand* "Excuse me? Yes, while it's true that I do a good bit of rescuing,
that's not really my main occupation." *Clears her throat* "I'm Queen of the Amazons..."

Xena: *mutters* "Brag, brag, brag."

Gabby: "EXCUSE ME?"

Jerry: "Not now, girls. Save it for 'You Think You're Special Just Because You Rule, But I Think You're a Royal Pain'."

Gabby: *still a little huffy* "I'm also a best selling bard (My current scroll, 'Kicking Butt and
Making a Name For Myself: My Life With Xena', can be bought from fine scribes everywhere), a healer, and a singer." *raises an eyebrow at Xena* "I also do most of the cooking while certain people sit around polishing their weapons." *Hercules snickers. Xena rolls her eyes*

Jerry: *blankly* "Fascinating. Xena, why don't you tell us a little about your situation."

Xena: "Well, Jerry, it's like this. My friend, Joxer, has gotten himself into a relationship that I
think is bad for him. He's hooked up with Ares, the God of War." *oohs and ahhs from the audience* *Xena shakes her head* "No, no, don't let the glamour fool you. Sure, he's gorgeous and sexy and famous, but come on, people! Hello? He's War! War, HUH! Good God, y'all, what is it good for?"

Joxer's voice from offstage: "Sometimes three times in a row."

Jerry: "So, you and Gabrielle are concerned about Joxer. How about you, Hercules?"

*Hercules shifts* *chair creaks dangerously* "Well, maybe it's none of my business..."

Ares voice from offstage: "That's never stopped you before!"

Joxer's voice: "Arry, please remember what Asclepius said about your blood pressure. Sure, it won't kill you, but cleaning the blood off the walls when you pop a blood vessel is SUCH a bitch."

Strife's voice: "I thought tha bitch was out on tha stage?"

Cupid's voice: "Strife, shut up."

Strife's voice: "Nyah. Make me." *sound of glomming* "Mmph! Oh, Cupie..."

Hercules: "Like I was saying. It's my nephew--Cupid. Sure, we haven't been close, mostly thanks to SOME family members..." *off stage growl*

Joxer's voice: "No, Arry! Not a powerbolt, please! Just ignore him."

Ares voice: "...trying to diss how I raised my OWN boy..."

Joxer's voice: "Here, let me rub your back to calm you down." *sound of fingers on leather* "Isn't that better? No, don't turn... Oh. Well, yes, I suppose rubbing THERE WOULD be more soothing."

*slurp*

Cupid's voice: "Ooo, yeah, baby. Right there! Do my wings, do my wings!"

Strife's voice: "Yah, I'll ruffle yer feathahs REAL good, flyboy."

*Jerry crooks a finger at a security man* *whispers* "Go back there and get them to stop. It's almost time for them to come on."

*security man shakes his head* "Which do you think I am--stupid, or suicidal? Like I'm gonna interupt gods while they're making out. Just hurry up before it goes too far to stop."

Jerry: "Hercules?" *Hercules is looking offstage with a distasteful, yet intrigued, expression.* "HERCULES!"

*Hercules jumps, blushing* "Um, yeah. Cupid. Well, he's taken up lately with someone who is TOTALLY inappropriat--Strife. This guy is bad news. I mean, he's Mischief incarnate. Literally. He lives to make trouble. He's the right hand man to the bloodiest murderer to ever exist."

*groowl*

Strife's voice: "Hey, Unc, actually I thought that was a pretty cool compliment, fah both of us."

*Hercules raises his voice* "Cupid could have anyone--ANYONE! I mean, he's the God of Love."

Jerry: "Some of our viewers might be a little skeptical about that. Let's show them why you say
that." *screen descends behind the three on stage, and a picture of Cupid, looking very hunky, appears*

*chorus of 'Hubba hubba!' and 'Oo, baby, baby, baby!' from the audience, females AND males*

Hercules: "See what I mean, Jerry? He has it all. And he thinks he's in love with THIS!"

*picture of Strife appears on screen, looking pale, dangerous, and exotic* *silence, except for the sound of a little drool hitting the floor*

Voice from the audience: "I wouldn't mind some of that."

Strife's voice from offstage: "SCRIBE?"

Scribe: "Hi, sweetie! I got a tickets! The whole AJCS list is here, but I'M spokesperson. I stuffed
the ballot box, just like you showed me."

*chuckle* Strife's voice: "That's my girl!"

Jerry: "Well, here's a switch. It looks like the 'on the carpet' couples have their own cheering section."

AJCS listsibs: "You damn betcha!"

Gabrielle: *sneer* "Ignore them. They're nothing but a bunch of horny slash sluts."

*lots of rapid nodding in the audience.*

Jerry: "Before this gets out of hand..." *hysterical giggles from everyone, not just Strife, except the three anal retentives on stage* "...let's bring out our other guests."

Joxer's voice: "Arry. Arry! Let go of that and lace up--it's time. Strife, get off Cupid. Well, at least
let him WALK. DAMN, these britches weren't too tight when I put them on."

*Three gods and a mortal come onstage. Strife walks on backward, because he's plastered chest-to-chest with Cupid. Ares has his hand tucked in a blushing Joxer's waistband.*

Jerry: "Gosh, guys, I don't know what's up with my prop people. There are only two extra chairs. Wait and I'll have them get..."

Ares: "Believe me, Jerry, it isn't a problem."

*Ares and Cupid sit, dragging Joxer and Strife, respectively, down onto their laps.* *AJCS listsibs
start doing the Arsenion Hall 'WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!'* *Xena, Gabby, and Hercules look disgusted*

Gabby: *points* "You see? No consideration! Instead of getting Joxer a seat, he makes him sit on his bumpy ol' lap."

Joxer: *dreamy* "Ooo, lumpy. Yeah." *squirms* "And his thighs are HARD, too."

Xena: "Joxer, can't you see that he's just using you?"

Joxer: *blinks* "This is a bad thing?"

Cupid: *wiggles eyebrows at Xena* *singsong voice* "I think some-one's jeeal-ous."

Gabby: *gags* "Jealous of Joxer? Please!"

Strife: "Dumb ass. Nay, jealous of Unc."

Xena: *looks uncomfortable* "Don't be ridiculous."

Strife: "Tell me, Zeen, does tha name 'Electra' mean anythin ta ya?"

Xena: *sweating* "I don't know what you mean."

Jerry: *shakes head admonishingly* "Xena, I've been told that you have a little secret of your own that might color your attitude." *voice dramatic* "Perhaps the fact that Ares is... YOUR FATHER?" *Hercules and Gabby gasp*

Scribe: "Oh, PLEASE! Like you didn't already know."

*Ares shrugs*

Ares: "I never denied it. Well, not for the last five years, anyway."

Jerry: "Save it for the paternity show."

*Strife has turned to straddle Cupid, and is bouncing up and down slowly.* *Cupid's wings start to vibrate.*

Jerry: "Boys! You need to stop that! This is a family values show."

*MASSIVE snorting*

Scribe: "Yeah, write. Christine, got the camcorder?"

Christine: "Yo!"

Scribe: "Well, don't just stand there!"

*Christine trots down the aisle and starts circling*

Strife: "Get me from my good side, babe." *Christine focuses on his undulating rump* "I knew you was a bright girl."

Cupid: "I want a copy."

Gabby: "You don't have VCRs on Olympus!"

Strife: "So I'll swipe one before we go. Shaddup, Blondie."

Ares: "I want a copy, too." *Joxer looks at him* "What?"

Scribe: "Christine, we'll get a bulk discount on cassettes for the list."

Jerry: "You don't have to do that. We can provide you with a copy of the show for just..."

Scribe: *scornful* "We'll make our own. You wusses wouldn't film the good stuff. Hergerbabe, are you taking notes?"

*Hergerbabe is scribbling*

Hergerbabe: "Why didn't I bring a recorder to tape notes?!"

Joxer: *raises his hand* "Hergerbabe? Could I top in the next one? OW! Arry, quit that!"

Hergerbabe: "Yeah, Arry. You love it, and you know it!"

Hercules: "WILL YOU ALL STOP OBSESSING ABOUT SEX?"

*silence* *a cricket chirps*

Scribe: "Why?"

Jerry: "Are you trying to get me cancelled? Hercules, tell us more about why you object to Cupid being with Strife."

Hercules: "Oh, for Olymus's sake! They're RELATED, okay? Their cousins!"

Cupid: "Uh, Herc? In case you haven't noticed, blood ties aren't exactly a problem for gods."

Strife: "Yah. Ya shoulda come ta tha last family reunion. It was wunna tha best orgies I evah
attended."

Cupid: "Besides, we're just cousins. In Texas, no one would even notice."

Scribe: "I'm from Texas, and I can attest to that. Squicks the hell out of me, actually, but on you two, it's cute."

Gabby: "Joxer, you can't be in love with Ares. It's just an infatuation on the rebound from me."

Joxer: "Um, I hate to disappoint you, Gabby, but I was just PRETENDING to be in love with you, trying to get Ares to notice me."

Gabby: "WHAT? You don't love me?" *Joxer shakes head* *Ares grabs Joxer's butt, looking smug* "But... but... how can you NOT love me? I'm intelligent, I'm buff, I'm blonde..."

Strife: "So's Cupe. He's a hot sweetie, but YOU have tha personality of a menopausal harpy."

Xena: "Don't speak to my bitch like that!"

Ares: "Now THAT'S more like my kid."

*Gabrielle slaps Xena*

Xena: "What did I do?"

Jerry: "Xena, are you going to stand for that?" *everyone stares at him* "What? Every slap means
another thousand viewers.

Hercules: "Cupid, give him up before he drags you down."

Strife: "Oo! Good idea!" *Strife falls backward onto stage, dragging Cupid down on top of him* *Cupid starts humping* *Christine goes in for a close-up*

Hercules: "This is SO wrong!" *Hercules gets up and grabs Cupid, trying to drag him off Strife* *Ares starts to get up* *Joxer distracts Ares by shoving a hand down the front of his pants* *Christine can't decide what to film, so she steps back and uses the zoom lens to go back and forth*

Strife: "Get yer own blonde, Jerkules!"

Hercules: *Hercules steps back, shocked* "What? I... I..."

Cupid: *panting* "Oh, quit denying it, Hercules! Everyone knows that you're hot for Ioalaus."

Hercules: "We're just good friends!"

*hurricane os snickers, giggles, titters, and guffaws* *several AJCS listsibs fall out of their chairs and have to be helped back up*

Scribe: *holds her ribs, considering calling for oxygen* "Shu-shu-sure! And I write nothing but clean jokes for the Sunday School bulletin!"

Hercules: *small voice* "He doesn't like me that way. Besides, he's the Golden Hunter. What could he see in me?"

Jerry: "You can find that out on 'Everyone Says You Think I'm Hot, So Why Don't You Speak For Yourself?'"

Gabby: *shakes fist at Scribe* "Stop trying to corrupt him by suggesting he's not straight!"

Scribe: "Honey, I suggest EVERYONE'S not straight. It's part of what makes me so charming."

Gabby: "You should be banned!"

Strife: "Lissen ta little Miss 'Can't We All Just Get Along'. Look, ya *bleep*, quit bein such a *bleeping* *bleep*head, take yer *bleeping* head out of your *bleep* long enough ta..." *Strife trails off.* "What tha *bleep* is goin on? I didn't say bleep, I said *bleep*. What IS this *bleep*?"

Jerry: *points to man sitting at control board* "We're on a five second delay, so we can censore out the really hairy stuff before..."

*Strife twists under Cupid enough to point at control panel* *blue sparks fly* *crackle*

Censor: "EEEEP!" *jumps back from control board, wringing hands and blowing on fingers*

Strife: "Yer lucky I'm in such a good mood. If Cupe wasn't committin frotage with me right now ya'd be pickin yer own teeth outta yer ass."

*Gabrielle jumps up, waving her arms*

Gabby: *shrieks* "YOU PEOPLE ARE ALL SICK! Those are men having sex together."

Scribe: "Not quite yet, they aren't. Move, wouldya, Gabby?"

Gabrielle: "MEN! HAVING SEX! TOGETHER!"

Xena: "Gabrielle, WE have sex together."

*silence* *sound of wind blowing*

Scribe: "Oh, ICK! Thanks for that mental image."

Joxer: "Arry? You just went limp."

Ares: "My daughter doing the wild thing with the Bimbo Bard. Joxer, can you blame me?"

Joxer: "No, I guess not."

Gabby: "Shut up, you wanking wannabe warrior!"

Scribe: "Watch it! I'll write you an owie that will become legendery, and there will BE no comfort!"

Ares: "Thank, hon. You're invited to the next orgy."

Scribe: *does Snoopy dance* "When, when?"

Cupid: "Right after taping, natch." *communal pout from AJCS listsibs* "Yes, all of you are invited." *rejoysing* "Please bring a date. We're gods, but there's only so much we can do at once."

Strife: "Speak fah yerself."

Scribe: "Dibs on Leatherboy!"

Xena: "Which one?"

Scribe: "As if I CARE!"

Xens: *Xena clears her throat.* "Uh, Dad? Bro? Can I come?"

Strife: "I dunno. As long as ya been hooked with tha Gabster, can ya?" *smack* "OW! Ass, not head, Cupe."

Joxer: "Hercules, Iolaus has a standing invitation to all orgies, but lately, all he can talk about is you. Do you know how distracting it is to be licking someone and have them talking about someone else?"

Hercules: *brightens* "Could I?" *Pulls out a hand mirror and peers in it anxiously. "Is my hair all
right? I wish I'd known. I would have lifted a few boulders to pump up."

Gabrielle: *Gabrielle begins frothing at the mouth* "It's all a dream! That's it, it's all a bad dream!
I'll wake up soon."

Jerry: "That's all the time we have right now. So, what's our lesson for today?"

Scribe: "Beats me, but you could sure get an education watching our boys!"

Strife: "Lemme check somethin. Fuck." *nodds his head* "That's bettah. Tha lesson is keep yer fuckin nose out of it if it's True Love. Or even if it's True Lust."

Jerry: "Good enough. Next week on Springer: 'Psycho Blonde Bard Ex-Girlfriends--Good Reason for Capital Punishment?'. Take care, and be good to each other." *pause* "Are we off the air? Good. Scribe, can I get a copy of that tape, and would any of the listsibs accept me as a date?"

Scribe: "Next: 'Sleazy Talk Show Hosts Who Turn Out to Be Secretly Cool.'"

END