Battle Flower Bud
by Spike
01/00
MC Kaga comes up with another challenge for The Iron Chefs
Rated NC-17 for utter bizarre idiocy
NOTES: Iron Chef is a competetive cooking show from Japan, sort of a cross between Julia Child and American Gladiator. This fic is entirely Melissa's fault. *I* said Iron Chef wasn't slashy at all. She said it darn well was and the evil seed was planted. Thank you to Melissa also for 'Satanic Pepper-Biting Bastard' and 'bitter fish guts'.
Thanks to Laura for the description. Thanks to debchan for translating Kaga-san and giving me a title. If you have no idea what the hell I'm talking about, consider yourself fortunate. If you have to know more, go to
http://www.ironchef.com/index.html but then don't come crying to me afterward if Kaga's closet frightens you. Remember, I warned you not to go near that castle...
Battle Flower Bud
by Spike
SCENE: The master bedroom of Kaga Takeshi's sky-castle inside the crater of Mt. Fuji (yes, inside Mt. Fuji. No, it's not impossible. Don't argue. This is Iron Chef!) MC Kaga is sleeping peacefully in his luxurious bed whose style combines Japanese tradition with the modern influence of Western bedding. Smoke roils mysteriously across the floor. Dramatic music plays, mounts, reaches a climax and then melts bonelessly into waiting silence. Okay maybe some sneaky violins going doo-doo doo-doo in a tense undertone. Suddenly MC Kaga sits bolt upright in bed. He is shirtless under a fuschia-pink satin bolero jacket. He raises a black gloved hand, closes it into a fist and then whips off his black satin sleepy-mask. Sequins fly, fall shimmering to the floor.
MC KAGA: something anguished in Japanese
SUBTITLE: The pepper dream! Again! Bring in the Iron Chefs.
FUKUI KENJI: (V.O. dubbed in English) Iron Chef Fellatio! Iron Chef Frottage! Iron Chef Anal Intercourse! Take your places!
(OFFSTAGE) The rustle of clothing, the scramble of limbs, the occasional 'eep'! Then with a puff of smoke, three sleepy, tousled men appear on rising platforms in the Master Bedroom. One is clad in a red chef's uniform but is wearing a yellow chef's hat; the second is clad in a yellow chef's uniform but wearing a green hat, and third is dressed in a green uniform with a red hat.
FUKUI KENJI: (V.O. dubbed in English) Who will it be?
MC KAGA: something intense in Japanese
SUBTITLE: What is going on here?
FUKUI KENJI: (V.O dubbed in English) This ought to be good!
IRON CHEF ANAL INTERCOURSE: Um, we were just, um, yeah, trying out some, uh, fusion ideas. Sausages nestled between rosy melon halves...
IRON CHEF FELLATIO: Mmmm. Jellied eels in toasty brown buns...
IRON CHEF FROTTAGE: Bitter fish guts in tofu cups... (The others turn and glare at him in horror) Oh oh -- I mean -- sardines in jelly bowls? Ah fuck it, we were screwing each other senseless in the Kitchen Stadium...
MC KAGA: Something earth-shaking in Japanese
SUBTITLES: Oh, like I don't know that! Anyway, enough about you! I have decided there must be a new contest! And a new challenger!
There is a thunderclap, lightning. A BOWL OF PEPPERS appears beside MC
Kaga's bed. He takes a yellow one, holds it up and...
Bites. His smile is so evil bats fall out of the sky. Next week on Iron Chef the theme ingredient will be: Bats! Dramatic music plays.
SCENE:(O.S.) The Gong of Fate is struck and resounds
SCENE: Kitchen Stadium
A panel of experts is assembled at table. They consist of an actor, an actress, The Emperor of Japan and the Soba Lady from the Odaiba Train Station. Smoke roils mysteriously across the floor, especially near the cloth-draped ingredient table.
FUKUI KENJI: (Dubbed in English) Blah blah blah endlessly about who knows what because I'm getting a snack. Blah blah blah and the challenger is: the three IRON CHEFS!
And this week's ingredient!!! There is a drumroll, more smoke and the
drape is suddenly whisked away to reveal...
MC Kaga, clad in a tasteful black sequinned posing pouch and matching arm length gloves and a tiara, stretched coquettishly upon the table amid a garnish of giant zucchini and geoduck clams...
And I ain't writing no more of this evil thang, but you can imagine for yourselves IRON CHEF FELLATIO, IRON CHEF FROTTAGE and IRON CHEF ANAL INTERCOURSE attempting to each satisfy MC Kaga within the one hour time limit with Sidelines Reporter Ota Shinichiro coming in every 3 seconds with:
Fukui-san, IRON CHEF ANAL INTERCOURSE *is* using bitter fish guts to lube the slippery knobfondle"
JUDGE 1: Really. Bitter Fish Guts.
JUDGE 2: I would never have imagined using bitter fish guts for *that*. I suppose that's more of his 'modern influence'?
JUDGE 3: And what's that IRON CHEF FROTTAGE is heating up in the bamboo steamer? Looks like some kind of rubber glove insertion apparatus...
SIDELINES REPORTER OTA SHINICHIRO: "Fukui-san, I asked IRON CHEF FROTTAGE about those gloves and he... he punched me in the nose and told me to stop bothering him, he only had an hour to finish, dammit. (Bursts into tears) Oh, Kaga-san -- why aren't I *enough* for you...
CUE: "Show Me Your Firetruck "
ROLL CREDITS
the end