Meitnerium Chef

By McJude

Note: This one is a year old and has been published on Andromeda Uncovered, but I was actually inspired by your page. I thought the world of IRON CHEF Slash needed more material.

Fandom: It is a cross-over between Andromeda and IRON CHEF -- duh, didn't I just say that?

Rating: It's rating is probably R - and it is supposed to be humor!

MEITNERIUM CHEF
By McJude

Announcer: One man, one dream, now it has all come to fruition. The man, chairman Emeril Childs Prudhomme.

The dream, to use the best ingredients in the universe to create an array of dishes each one exemplifying the need of the peoples of the commonwealth to feed not only their bodies, but their minds and their souls. To this end the Chairman has had this kitchen studio constructed, stocked it with a larder from all galaxies, assembled a panel of the finest chefs and called them the Meitnerium Chefs. Each week, one outsider, who feels that his skill with food will make its own mark, comes to kitchen studio and tries to take on one of these chefs. Let's meet them:

Announcer: Meitnerium Chef Tarn Vedra. A large four-legged purple creature wearing a tent like apron that completely surrounds his body and a small beret is wheeled out on a platform. He bows his head to the audience and grunts something unintelligible.

Announcer: Fresh from his victory last week against the skillet welding octopus from Beta Zimba, Meitnerium Chef Tarn Vedra promises again to create new and lighter dishes.

Announcer: Meitnerium Chef N'Holland. A large, hairy man wearing a tank top, white cook's pants, ball cap and dirty apron smiles and winks at the audience. A cigarette dangles from his lips with a long ash. Announcer: Meitnerium Chef N'Holland is still looking to be chosen to compete against a challenger. In the meantime he manages our set commissary.

Announcer: Meitnerium Chef Earth. A small blonde man with spiked hair and big dimples. He is wearing a very loud smock, cargo pants, and a short apron.

Announcer: Meitnerium Chef Earth is new to our team. Let's give a hearty kitchen stadium welcome to Shamus Z. Harper. Hopefully we will get a chance to see that this BOY can do.

But now is the time you've all been waiting for. A chance to meet our challenger. The man we have with us today has made a name for himself as a chef in a variety of solar systems. A member of the Kodiak pride, known for its way with seafood, he has taken the fish further
than any chef before him. The sultan of sushi -- Tyr Anasazi, out of Victoria by Barbarosa.

Tyr Anasazi enters brandishing a huge chef's knife in one hand and a cleaver in the other.

He faces the audience, smiles, tosses his long braided hair, and growls.

Announcer: And which of these individuals, which of these Meitnerium Chefs, which of these masters of the taste sensation, do you choose to put to the test today?

Anasazi: I'll take the cute Boy. Gestures toward Harper with his shoulder and growls.

Gasps from the Audience.

Announcer: And there you have it. Chef Tyr Anasazi has chosen to break from Meitnerium Chef tradition and not challenge Meitnerium Chef Tarn Vedra but has instead chosen to challenge the newest member of our team. The chef from Earth, Seamus Harper, the one he calls the "Cute Boy."

Music rises dramatically. CUT TO COMMERCIAL

Announcer: Now we are about to reveal today's mystery ingredient. The item that these two men, these masters of the kitchen, will be called upon to use in their culinary creations today is . . .
Cover is lifted and a variety of items are shown on the tray including carrots, cucumbers, bananas, sausages. Gasps.

Announcer: Yes, today the chefs are given a real challenge, not one but an assortment of food items. Items that can be best classified as PHALLIC FOODS. Good luck gentlemen.

Both men rush the table and begin sorting through the items. Anasazi places several different types of vegetables on a tray and begins arranging them by size. Harper grabs items and gathers up his short apron to carry them. One large link of summer sausage sticks out at an odd angle. He looks embarrassed and tucks it under his arm, and walks back to his cooking area.

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

Announcer: Well this is a memorable day in kitchen stadium, not only do we see the debut of a new Meitnerium Chef, Seamus Harper, but we see a variation on food item. Not one food to be cooked in different ways to bring out its texture, aroma and flavor, but a collection of foodstuffs which can only be described as having definite erotic undertones. Let's see what these two champion chefs can do with them. Chef Anasazi must have foreseen the direction the universe was heading when he gave up his promising career as a professional assassin to continue with his cooking craft previously cultivated as a cover. Those who have enjoyed his creations are certainly thankful. Let's see what he can do today.

Chef Harper remains somewhat of a mystery. Chairman Prudhomme must have seen some promise to elevate him so quickly to this position -- never dreaming that he would immediately be called on for a challenge. Let's see if Chef Harper can rise to the occasion presented by Chef Anasazi and the phallic foods.

But first let's meet today's judging panel.

We have with us the restorer of the system's commonwealth, known for his love of fine food and even finer spirits. A man known in barrooms and wine cellars throughout the universe. Captain Dylan Hunt. A somewhat heftier Dylan stands and bows. He is wearing a white high-guard uniform with red wine spots on the front. He looks slightly inebriated.

Announcer: And how are you today Captain Hunt?

Hunt: Very well. I most enjoyed that bottle of brandy you left in my dressing room.

Announcer: ???

Hunt: You know, that large brown bottle, I believed it to be aged brandy.

Announcer: I believe that it was an alcohol solvent used to remove make-up.

Hunt: Burps. It was delicious none the less.

Announcer: So, if you have ever wondered what the creations of master chefs will taste like to a person who has consumed a full bottle of make-up remover, I'm sure Captain Hunt will let you know shortly. Let's move on to our next panelist. She's a botanist, she's an actress, she's an all round mysterious person. I present to you the pretty-in-purple Trance Gemini.

Trance giggles and holds hand to cover her mouth.

Announcer: It's great to have you here today Trance. I may call you Trance?

Gemini: Continues to giggle.

Announcer: Do you have much experience with today's food item? Has a look on his face that realizes that he has been reading from a prepared script and that this questions is not entirely appropriate. I mean, do you eat things like this often?

Gemini: Continues to giggle.

Announcer: And the third member of our panel, representing the diversity of the species of the commonwealth, Reverend Brother Behemial Far Traveler. Pleased to have you here today. Rev Bem:

Rev. Bem, please. Yes, I am pleased to be here, but puzzled. Magog usually only eat food that they have killed themselves. I doubt if my digestive system can handle the items.

Announcer: But you can comment on their esthetic values.

Rev. Bem: It is a cruel trick that the divine has played on us Magog. But I can smell that boy all the way over here. He seems very mouth-watering.

CUT TO COMMERCIAL:

Gemini: (excited voice) What is that that Tyr is using? It looks like he is . . ..

Announcer: Right it looks like Tyr Anasazi has prepared some sort of seafood forcemeat and is about to stuff it into condoms.

Gemini: I think it might be sausage casings.

Announcer: Yes, that might be more appropriate. I guess the condom's lubricants would make the forcemeat a little greasy.

Cut to Tyr Anasazi stuffing the sausages. He carefully coils them and places in a pot of barely simmering water.

Gemini: I'm sure these are going to be delicious.

Announcer: In the meantime Seamus Harper seems to have been sorting through the various carrots on the tray and has selected a few to incorporate into his dish tonight. He seems to have deliberately selected the most rococo shaped carrots he could find.

Rev. Bem: If you look carefully, I believe that you will notice that the carrots he has selected are those which most closely resemble male and female genitalia. I think he probably will steam them and serve them with some sort of sauce.

Announcer: He's going to have to do some very fine cuts to make sure that . . . .

Rev. Bem: I am sure he will steam them unpeeled, unless of course, he has a few kosher carrots.

Harper places the carrots gently on a bed of cabbage leaves in a bamboo steamer and adjusts the heat. He then selects a large hothouse cucumber and begins to make some carved cuts on it.

Hunt: I believe he is doing this piece in deference to me being here today. The little (loud bleep) is trying to suck up.

Announcer: Please watch your language, Captain Hunt. And why would you think that this piece is being done in deference to you?

Hunt stands, cautiously, puts his hands behind his back, and thrusts his pelvis forward.

Announcer: I don't believe so, Captain Hunt.

Hunt: You don't think that that cucumber looks at all like my forcelance?

Announcer: Oh.

VOICE OVER: FIFTEEN MINUTES TO GO

Gemini: Oh My God. What does he have in that large glass jar? It looks like?

Rev. Bem I believe it is a pickled ring bologna. I'm sure that Mr. Harper has seen a few of those during his years on the planet Earth.

Gemini: But that big.

Announcer: It seems that Tyr Anasazi has managed to find a supersized ring bologna.

Hunt: Must be a Nietzschean thing.

In the meantime the camera cuts silently to Seamus Harper who has placed an arrangement of boiled white pudding, weisswurst and bananas on a plate and garnished them with parsley.

Announcer: And as if to counter the Nietzschean's bigger is better claims, Chef Harper has produced an array of phallic foods which can best be described as small and white.

Hunt: Looks mighty tasty to me.

Gemini: Lot you'd know after a whole bottle of make-up remover.

Hunt: If anything it has made me more hungry.

Rev. Bem: The parsley is a decorative touch.

Gemini: Oh, look, he's adding the summer sausage to the plate.

Hunt: Reminds me of my force lance.

VOICE OVER -- Five minutes to go.

Announcer: Well the time is nearing. In just a few minutes we will see who does the best with this amazing array of cylindrical shaped foods, who will capture the essence of the phallic shape and produce the desired climax to the meal?

CUT FOR COMMERCIAL

Announcer: Well there certainly has been a great deal of last minute preparation for this one. Let's see what they have presented. First the challenger: Tyr Anasazi. Removes cloth covering food from the table.

Chef Anasazi has chosen to present four dishes. Will you tell us about them?

Anasazi: For my first course, I have a seafood sausage, scallops, clams and oysters, poached in sausage casing and accented with sea urchin roe. I believe this to represent the maleness and femaleness of the universe's great oceans.

My next selection is a pickled ring bologna with mashed potatoes. An interesting juxtaposition of the rigid and the yielding.

Then I have white zebra zucchini with a touch of cream sauce.

And finally cream horns.

Announcer: But these cream horns are about twelve inches-long.

Anasazi: They're a Nietzschean modification.

Announcer: I am sure they are very filling.

Camera turns to tasting panel who are staring at the food with large open eyes. And now for the tasting.

Gemini: Oh my god. Those seafood sausages are like an orgasm in my mouth. They are so wonderful.

Hunt: This bologna reminds me of a bar fight I was in once. Dropped my force lance and had to grab. . . . .

Rev. Bem: The visual impact is astounding.

Gemini: I haven't had zebra zucchini in so very long -- and not this long.

Hunt: The cream horns are excellent. (He manages to have cream all over his face and tries to lick it off with his tongue.)

Gemini: I noted a hint of raspberry jell in the crème.

Rev. Bem: Perhaps it came in contact with a virgin.

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

Announcer: Now it is Meitnerium Chef Harper's turn to present his creations

Harper: I didn't have a lot of freakin' time. . I was watching Mr. Anasazi shape those cream horns He had a very interesting tool. But I did manage to come up with four dishes.

First I have "moral" mushrooms stuffed with "faux grass" and garnished with trifles.

Announcer: Isn't that Truffles, Meitnerium Chef Harper?

Harper: Trifles, truffles, tribbles. What do I know? Just know it tastes freaking wonderful. Then I have an orgy of carrots, around a cucumber maypole - a symbol of fertility on earth.

Next I have a study in contrasts. I call it Johnsons and the big Unit.

Hunt: (off camera) I wonder if he'd like to see MY force lance.

Harper: And finally I have some chocolate. I got it melted, but didn't have time to get it shaped, so I am presenting it poured over an assortment of fruits, nuts and confections.

Announcer: So there you have it an array of . . . interesting . . . foods presented by Meitnerium Chef Harper.

Gemini: (Giggling.) Look he has boy carrots with girl carrots, and girl carrots with girl carrots, and boy carrots with boy carrots. It looks like so much fun. I'd like to play that game.

Rev. Bem: The visual impact IS astounding.

Panel members look at plates with mushrooms and sausage assortments and unpleasant faces.

Gemini: (Reaching down the table.) Let me at the chocolate.

Rev. Bem: The scent of the boy has made me ravenous. BUT . . .. I think I can eat chocolate.

Chocolate dish gets spilled over Trance as Bem and Hunt struggle for it..

Hunt: Look what you've done. Now I'll have to lick it off. (Smiles a silly smile and begins to lick chocolate off Trance's breasts.)

Rev. Bem: Let me at them I'm hungry.

Harper: But you haven't tried the mushrooms, or the . . . sausages.

Hunt: They're small, they're white, been there, done that.

Assorted grunts. All three end up on floor eating chocolate off each other. Table is upset and food falls on floor. Meitnerium Chef Harper looks very distraught.

Announcer: Well the chocolate seems to have been a big hit with the panelists tonight. I think I can declare Chef Harper the winner.

Anasazi: I demand a recount.

Harper: They didn't even touch my sausages.

Anasazi: Give me a chance at your sausage, BOY!

Anasazi grabs Harper and begins grope at his buttocks and crotch.

Harper smiles gratefully.

Announcer: One man, one dream. Each week, one outsider, who feels that his skill with food will make its own mark, comes to kitchen studio and tries to take on one of these chef's . . . . .

Cut to Harper on kitchen counter, knees drawn up, big smile on his face as Chef Anasazi fumbles to open the front of his pants.

Camera fades to black too quickly.

Voice off camera: Sure looks like the Nietzschean is making his mark.

Announcer: Not all dreams are the same, but all are pleasant. Good night and good eating.

Moans and giggles.

McJude
November 2002