Author/pseudonym: nancy
Fandom: JAG
Pairing: AJ/Harm
Rating: PG
Email address: the_tenth_muse1@hotmail.com
Disclaimer: not mine, never will be and certainly not making any money from this. *grin*
Status: new
Other Web Site: www.geocities.com/the_tenth_muse1
Archive: sure - just let me know where
Summary: Harm and AJ move closer but the Admiral doesn't think it's a good idea. He also finds support from an unexpected source.
Warnings: m/m
Dictates of the Soul
By Nancy
"So I would choose to be with you,
that's if the choice were mine to make.
But you can make decisions too,
and you can have this heart to break."
— And So It Goes, Billy Joel
Mac smiled as Harm waved at her from the other side of the glass on her door. She motioned for him to enter. "Morning, Commander."
"Good morning, Colonel," he replied, sitting easily in the chair in front of her desk.
"What can I do for you?" Mac asked.
He took a book off her desk and looked it over. "Ancient Maritime Laws and Practices. There's some light reading for you."
She held out her hand and he placed the large tome in it. "Did you want something Harm?"
"No. No, not really."
Which meant he had a favor to ask. She snorted silently to herself and asked, "Then why are you here?"
"Well, I had a question for you. It's ah, kind of delicate in nature," Harm answered.
Curious, she questioned, "What is it?"
"Have you noticed the Admiral acting oddly lately?"
Uh-oh. Now there was a loaded question for sure. She knew for a fact that the Admiral was having some trouble dealing with both his friend's retirement and the incident on the submarine. She still remembered the forbidding look he had bestowed on her after their conversation on the subject of age. "No. Not as such."
Like the excellent attorney he was, Harm latched onto her words. "So you have noticed him acting, let's say, out of character?"
Sometimes she really hated lawyers, herself included. "I wouldn't say out of character, exactly."
"So what would you say?"
"Nothing if I want to keep my rank. Is there anything else, Commander?" she finished firmly.
Obviously disappointed, Harm stood. "I'm just a little concerned about him, Mac."
"He's fine, Harm. He's always fine," Mac said. He stood to go and she could see he wasn't reassured by her words. "I know you two are close. Maybe you're too close to see that he really is fine. It's natural to worry for those we care about, but you don't have to in this case."
"You're right of course. Thanks, Mac. We still on for lunch?"
"So you can try and weasel my defense strategy out of me by buying? Absolutely," Mac agreed with a grin.
"I never weasel," he protested innocently.
She watched him go, shaking her head. The men in her life were odd, no denying that, but then, life was never dull, either.
* * * *
`It's natural to worry for those we care about.'
The rest of the day, those words ran through Harm's mind at inconvenient times. The first time was when he and the Admiral were debating the merits of his latest defense. He looked up from his notes to see the Admiral staring at him intently. It had disconcerted him enough to lose his train of thought, though he was fairly sure the older man hadn't noticed.
The second time had been when he'd been walking back from lunch with Mac. They'd returned to the office to find the Admiral in an unexpected meeting with the SecNav. Mac had made a sympathetic comment about the Admiral getting an undeserved ass-chewing over Harm's last quasi-embarrassing case that hadn't left the Navy in the best light. It occurred to him that, while the Admiral went to bat for all his people, he gave Harm a hell of a lot more leeway than anyone else.
He did care for the Admiral; both as a CO and a friend. He respected and admired the older man's tenacity, honesty, loyalty, bravery and heart. And yet, for all the years they'd known each other, Harm realized that he didn't really know a lot about AJ. He knew that the Admiral enjoyed taking the stairs instead of the elevator. He knew that the Admiral took no crap from anyone, up to and including the Secretary of the Navy.
Harm had rarely seen the Admiral as just AJ and wondered if he'd like the man as much as he did the Officer. He was confident that he would, which was exactly the problem. He hadn't seriously thought about another man since joining the Navy. He'd studiously avoided every bar that had even mixed clientele. He'd `lost track' of all his gay friends, not that there had been many to start with. When he joined the Navy, he'd made the conscious decision to ignore that part of himself.
Now, years and years later, it was suddenly resurfacing with a vengeance. And for his CO, for God's sake! Rubbing his eyes tiredly, Harm sighed and leaned his head on his arms.
"You all right, Commander?"
The Admiral's warm voice startled Harm so badly that he jerked upright too fast and gasped when a muscle cramp seared through his neck. Clenching his fingers into the spazzing muscles, he gasped, "I was."
"Sorry. Didn't mean to startle you."
"It's all right. I was just...thinking," Harm finished lamely. "I should probably get home and get some rest."
"Good idea. You look tired. Problems sleeping?" the Admiral asked with concern.
How had Harm never noticed that the hazel slanted towards green when the Admiral was worried? Cutting off that line of thought instantly, Harm forced a smile. "A little. Nothing I can't handle, Sir."
"Well, maybe you should keep the late nights to a minimum for a while."
Harm snorted. "Yes, Sir. Have a good night, Sir."
"Would you...care to join me for dinner, Commander? It's late and neither of us has eaten. We could go over the Shannon case if you need a sounding board."
Harm almost didn't notice the hesitation in the Admiral's voice. If he hadn't been thinking so intently about the man all day, he probably wouldn't have. Was the Admiral nervous about inviting him to dinner?
"You probably have plans. I'm sorry Commander. You have a good evening."
"No!" Harm exclaimed as the Admiral turned to go. When the older man turned back with a curious expression, he explained, "I mean, I would be honored Sir. I'm just more tired than I thought and it took a bit to answer."
"If you're that tired, we can have dinner another time, Commander," the Admiral said firmly.
"How about breakfast tomorrow?" Harm suggested before he could censor the words.
Though he looked surprised by the offer, the Admiral smiled. "Excellent idea. I'll see you in the commissary at 0700?"
"Sounds good to me, Sir," Harm agreed.
The Admiral nodded and left the office, whistling. Harm stared after him for a minute before shaking his head and standing to go home.
* * * *
Breakfast turned into a standing appointment over the next few weeks. Harm would show up at the commissary at 0700, even though it meant getting up an hour earlier so he could still run, and AJ would be there waiting for him, reading the paper. Though in uniform, the Admiral was noticeably `AJ' during their breakfasts. A good portion of their conversation centered around JAG, of course, but some interesting snippets about AJ himself slipped through.
Like the fact that it annoyed the hell out of AJ when a driver didn't use their turn signal, that's what they were there for after all. And it was irritating when people at the supermarket picked off grapes without paying for them. It might just be a few grapes per person, but it added up as a loss to the market because most people did it. It was dishonest. Also, AJ loved just sitting on a park bench and watching mothers with their children. It reminded him of exactly why the military existed and why he was in it: to protect the innocent and keep their freedom safe.
Harm found himself looking forward to each slip of the tongue with a distressing amount of eagerness. He was on that slippery slope and the worst part was, Harm thought he was getting signals from AJ. Not from the Admiral, of course; never from the Admiral. But AJ seemed to like him just fine.
Which brought back the original problem of having a relationship with a man, never mind his superior officer, while in the Navy.
Sighing as he headed for the kitchen area, Harm went through the motions of making tea. While waiting for the water to heat, he moved into his bedroom and dug out an ancient address book. He brought it back to the kitchen and set it on the counter so he could pull off the boiling water. Once his tea had steeped, he picked up both items and brought them back into the living area.
Sitting on the couch, Harm opened up the book and flipped through it. It would be so good if he could just talk to someone about this. He was just about to get to the address portion when he stopped.
"What am I doing? I can't talk to anyone about this!" Harm exclaimed. If word ever got out, the Admiral would be ruined.
Decisively shutting the book, Harm put it down, trading it for his tea. Sipping at the hot water, he knew that this time, like last, he would just have to shut down that part of himself. There was no way that he could risk the Admiral's career because he had feelings for the man.
For a brief moment, he allowed the fantasy to strike in his mind. AJ pulling him into a rough hug then just taking a kiss from him with the same command that he did everything. He wondered how soft the short, mostly gray hair would be under his fingers. He thought about the feel of their tongues together and then...maybe more things pressed together.
Shuddering with desire, Harm deliberately didn't touch himself. He breathed deeply and forced his body to calm by blanking his mind. He desperately wanted to continue, but it would be wrong to do so.
Groaning, Harm got off the couch and headed for the bathroom. Long past time for a cold shower.
* * * *
AJ stared out of the window, not really seeing the landscape outside. Even if it hadn't been full dark, his sight was turned inward. The cold air seeping in through the glass chilled his lightly clad body, but he ignored it. His mind had been churning for most of the day and it didn't seem to be lessening any with the cover of night.
The breakfasts had to stop before he did something unforgivable. He was finding it all too easy to slip past caring for Harm, no, for the Commander, he corrected himself, to love and that was something neither of them could afford.
Like that morning.
They'd been sitting at their customary table, not talking, when they'd both reached for the sugar at the same time. Only their knuckles had brushed before the Commander had pulled his hand back,
but AJ had felt as though a bolt of electricity had run through him. He'd had a flash of the Commander trailing those knuckles over his chest and down his abdomen. The surge of heat through his groin had been shocking, something he hadn't felt in a very long time.
Thankfully, the Commander had grinned and passed it off with, "Great minds think alike, eh, AJ?"
AJ had been able to force a quick grin and nodded his agreement.
The chill moved all the way through to his soul and AJ shuddered.
What was he thinking? He was insane, that was the only logical explanation. Same-sex relationships were fine for other people. An occasional helping hand from a fellow soldier was perfectly acceptable but again, for other people. The Commander had an extremely promising career ahead of him and AJ had no intention of destroying it because he wanted to know what the other man tasted like.
Sighing, he turned towards his bedroom, achingly aware of how empty it was.
* * * *
Tiner again looked at the closed door with worry. The Admiral had arrived at the office an hour earlier, told him to hold all his calls, and promptly shut the door. While Tiner knew that was the privilege that came with being an Admiral, it just wasn't in character for his Admiral. Something had happened to upset the older man and he didn't want anyone to see his loss of composure.
Hearing footsteps approach, Tiner looked right and found Commander Rabb heading for him, a concerned expression on his face. "Good morning, Commander."
Commander Rabb looked at the closed door with surprise. "The Admiral isn't in yet?"
"He's in. He just doesn't wish to be disturbed," Tiner informed him. "Did you two argue at breakfast this morning?"
Obviously surprised, Commander Rabb replied, "He didn't come to breakfast."
Well. That explained a lot right there. "Last night then?"
Frowning, the Commander shook his head and snapped, "We haven't argued, Tiner."
Uh-oh. Tiner studiously kept his expression neutral and replied, "Sorry, Sir."
Rubbing a hand over his face, Command Rabb said, "No, I'm sorry. Do me a favor and when he's ready to ah, see people, let me know?"
Tiner nodded. "Of course, Sir."
"Thanks."
Tiner watched him go, then thoughtfully looked at the closed door. He was suddenly certain of what was going on. The Admiral had admitted, to himself at least, his feelings for the Commander and was having trouble reconciling to them. Given his behavior during Gunny's trial when he'd thought Tiner was gay, that wouldn't surprise him. Or perhaps he had no problems with feeling that way, but felt as though he couldn't act on them. Not and keep himself and Commander Rabb out of trouble at least.
Despite his love of the Navy and the sense of purpose that the Navy gave him, Tiner hated some of its policies and attitudes. The Admiral and Commander Rabb were good for each other, that was so obvious. Even Gunny had commented on the Admiral's more positive outlook and the lack of trouble the Commander had found over the last few weeks.
Sighing morosely, Tiner stood to make a trip to the grocery store. Once the Admiral convinced himself that any relationship between himself and the Commander was impossible, he'd need a lot of chocolate.
* * * *
Out of the corner of his eye, Harm noticed Tiner leaving. It didn't occur to him for a full five minutes that that meant he wasn't around to stop Harm from going into the Admiral's office. Pursing his lips, he took a moment to locate his fellow officers to make sure they wouldn't be disturbed. Bud and Mac were talking vehemently by the copier, probably about the Hilder case. Gunny was glowering at a junior officer about something and Tiner, of course, was gone.
Being casual was surprisingly hard to do when it felt as though his heart was about to burst through his chest. He'd been calmer in a gunfight with only a few bullets left than at that moment. Of course, the only thing he had to lose at that time was his life. Right now he stood to lose his career and worse, the respect and friendship of a man he cared deeply for.
No, a man that he loved, Harm admitted abruptly to himself. That's what it was all about, after all. If it was just a physical urge or vague feelings, he could easily have talked himself out of it. But
this was a deep love he'd sure as hell never expected to find in his lifetime.
Reaching AJ's office door, Harm hesitated before putting his hand on the knob and just walking in. He'd never before entered the room without permission, doing so felt akin to sacrilege. But he had to know exactly how AJ was feeling and a sneak attack was the best course of action.
Easier to ask forgiveness than to seek permission.
The tableau of AJ with his head in his heads struck every protective heartstring that Harm had. Before he knew it, he was at AJ's side and pulling the older man against him. To his shocked pleasure, the comfort was accepted. Strong arms wrapped around his waist and AJ's face pressed to his abdomen. Harm leaned over to hold him, pressing his lips to the bare head.
That moment felt so right that for the first time in too long, contentment washed through Harm. Not that AJ was hurting, never that, but that it was him to give the other man comfort. He wanted to be the one AJ turned to for help or solace. It was more than a few minutes later that AJ pulled himself together and then pulled away. Harm let go the moment he felt stiffness enter the strong shoulders beneath his hands.
"We can make this work," Harm said quietly. "Lots of couples work together."
AJ's lips twisted bitterly. "Not many of them are in the Navy and/or the same sex."
Stubbornly, Harm repeated, "We can make it work. AJ, I lo..."
Standing, AJ cupped Harm's face gently, his thumb brushing over his lips to stop the words. "I will not ruin your life and that's exactly what would happen if this ever, and I mean ever, got out."
Trying to remain calm, Harm pointed out, "It's my life. And I wouldn't consider loving you ruining it, no matter what happened."
"I won't do it, Commander, and that's final."
Staring into AJ's eyes, Harm saw only calm acceptance and exploded. "It's Harm, AJ! Or Harmon if you're feeling particularly formal. If you're going to break my heart, we may as well be on a first name basis, don't you think?"
After a taut moment of silence, AJ opened his mouth to reply when there was a knock at the door. Mac called out, "Sir? Is everything all right?"
"Everything's fine, Colonel. The Commander and I are just having a disagreement. As you were," AJ called back.
"Yes, Sir."
Glancing back at Harm, AJ said, "And that's what it would be like. Com...Harm, listen to me. Please trust me on this. We would never be able to live together. We would never be able to show any kind of affection in public. No taking vacations together. All we would have is the occasional night together where we'd never be able to fall asleep for fear of not waking early enough for one of us to get back to his apartment. You'd never be satisfied with that, Harm, I know you, probably better than you do yourself. It's all or nothing with you and this isn't either."
The pain was almost overwhelming, more than Harm would have imagined for a love that had barely had a chance to grow up over a few breakfasts. Though, of course, it had been in the making for a lot longer.
Consciously straightening, Harm crossed the distance between them. His voice was calm and quiet as he spoke. "I love you. The deadline for all or nothing has already gone by, AJ, it did a while ago. You have my heart, just as you do my respect, my admiration and, well, pretty much everything else, lock, stock and barrel. But if this is your decision, I'll accept that. From here out, I'll be what you need until you say otherwise. And I hope you say otherwise, AJ, because you're it for me."
Harm walked to the door and paused, his hand on the knob. "I hope you don't mind, Sir, but I'll be taking the rest of the day off. I have no pressing cases, so my duties will not be adversely affected."
He left the room where his heart and soul had been mortally wounded and headed for home, ignoring the concerned looks everyone gave him on the way out. Harm stopped only to get his keys and coat out of his office and barely spoke with Mac when she cornered him at the elevators.
"I'm not feeling well," Harm informed her. Which was true since it felt as though his stomach was trying to separate from its customary resting-place.
Mac's dark eyes were filled with worry. "Harm, whatever happened, it can't be that bad. Just give him some time to cool down. I'm sure things will be fine."
Harm looked her in the eyes and answered flatly, "No Mac, it won't be fine."
The elevator doors closed on her dismayed expression and he sagged against the wall. "A little longer, Rabb, just a little longer. You can collapse when you get home."
* * * *
For the first time in years, there were tears in AJ's eyes. They didn't fall, of course, but the fact that they were there told AJ how big of a mistake he'd just made. Of course, the soul-deep cold that had encased him since making the decision to leave Harm's arms was also a good indication. It had felt so right being held like that. He'd breathed in the fresh, clean smell of Harm's soap and soaked in the heat that escaped Harm's uniform, pressing his face against the rough fabric.
It was as though he couldn't feel anything any more.
A knock at his door broke through his apathy a little and he cleared his throat. "Enter."
The door opened and Mac stepped inside. The look on her face told him that everyone knew that something was wrong. He moved to his desk and sat down, pulling out his reading glasses and opening a file. "Something I can help you with, Colonel?"
"I was just checking to make sure everything was all right, Sir," she said, a hint of worry in her voice. "Commander Rabb appeared...upset, Sir. He said he was ill?"
"That's right, Colonel. I believe it was something he ate," AJ replied. "I'm sure he'll be back tomorrow, good as new. Anything else?"
She opened her mouth as though to continue, then shook her head. "No, Sir. I'll let you get back to work."
AJ nodded. "Thank you, Colonel, that would be appreciated."
When the door closed behind her, AJ allowed the palsy in his soul free reign and began to shake in reaction to the intensity of the scene with Harm. The pain in the younger man's eyes had almost been more than he could take, but it had to be done. Harm thought this was his choice, but that was wrong. It was the Navy's choice. If they were to remain in it, there was no chance for anything aside from friendship between them.
If he had his choice...
Running shaking hands over his head, AJ reminded himself of the court martial and dishonorable discharge they would both face if a relationship were discovered. He reminded himself of the possible jail time to which Harm would be sentenced. He thought of all the men Harm had put in Leavenworth who would be dying to get some payback and the guards who would do nothing to stop it from happening.
Shuddering violently at the thought of the younger man at their non-existent mercy, AJ's hands gripped the desk until his knuckles were white with pressure.
No. There was no choice here.
* * * *
When Tiner got back, he knew that something had happened in his absence. Gunny was snapping with real anger at a Junior Officer. Bud was looking more puppy-doggish than usual. And the Colonel, well, the Colonel looked like she wanted to hurt someone, but didn't know who to go after. Figuring that Bud would be the best person to ask, Tiner stopped in the other man's office. "What happened?"
"The Admiral and Commander Rabb had a major fight," Bud answered quietly, looking around as though he expected the Admiral to show up.
"In the office?" Tiner asked in astonishment.
Bud shook his head. "No, no, no. It was behind closed doors, but Commander Rabb was shouting at one point and he went home sick. He's never sick. He doesn't even get poison ivy."
Tiner sighed. It sounded like the Navy had gotten her way again.
"You know what's going on," Bud said, eyes suddenly shrewd.
Tiner straightened and replied, "I can't divulge that information, Sir."
Bud stared at him for a moment then sighed. "No, no, I suppose not. Sorry, Tiner."
Tiner relaxed. "No problem, Sir. Thanks for the head's up."
He left the office with his prize of gourmet chocolate and headed for his own desk. Picking up the phone, he intercommed, "Admiral? I forgot to refill your candy dish yesterday, is it all right if I do so now?"
There was a pause then, "Sure, Tiner. C'mon in."
God, he sounded bad. Shaking his head, Tiner picked up the bag and entered the office. He poured the small chocolate balls into the lead crystal dish on the desk. The Admiral was reading a report, pen in hand as he read, and looked perfectly normal. Or he would have to anyone else. But Tiner had been the Admiral's Yeoman long enough to know him very well. There was a faint tremor to the hand holding the pen and his color was more flushed than normal. Hesitant, he said, "I'm sorry, Sir."
The Admiral looked up at his words and those sharp eyes stared at him for a long time before his lips twisted slightly. "This must seem ironic to you, Tiner."
"No, Sir. Irony has nothing to do with the Navy's policies," Tiner replied regretfully. He was glad to see the Admiral's expression soften slightly as he reached for the glass dish.
"Thank you, Tiner. For the chocolate and your, ah, discretion," he said with a sigh, popping the first chocolate in his mouth.
"My pleasure, Sir. I'll hold your calls for the rest of the day," Tiner said, moving to the door.
"No, Tiner. I'd rather just get back to work. You can leave the door open"
Tiner nodded respectfully. "Yes, Sir."
* * * *
It was only four something in the afternoon and Harm was about a third of the way through a Scotch bottle. He'd been hoping for halfway by now, but it just wasn't working out that way. He felt disgustingly sober. Which was just as well since he really couldn't call in drunk the next day. Sighing, Harm put aside the bottle and moved to the kitchen where he drank water until his bladder protested. No sense in having a hangover to complete his misery.
He took a moment to wonder what AJ was doing before forcing those thoughts down. He put AJ away and returned the Admiral in his place. This was how the Admiral wanted it, so this was how he would get it. Harm would be the best damn lawyer on the Admiral's staff and make him the envy of the other offices. Maybe one day he'd be known as `Chegwidden's Bulldog' or some such nonsense.
Snorting, Harm rubbed his eyes and headed for bed. Maybe when he woke up, things wouldn't seem so dark.
END