Title: Dictates of the Heart

Author: the_tenth_muse (aka nancy)

EMail: the_tenth_muse1@hotmail.com

Rated: PG

Archive:Yes

Pairing: Commander Harmon Rabb/Admiral AJ Chegwidden (kind of)

Fandom: JAG

Content Warning: It's a bit of a hanky piece, but that's all.

Harm pulled into his usual parking spot with a grimace. Glancing at his watch, he saw that it was almost ten, despite pushing past the speed limit. He pinned his security badge to his shirt and got out of the Porsche. Nodding to the security guard as he walked by, Harm mentally reviewed the files that he forgot to bring home earlier. It had been a hectic day and he'd been far too rushed to get to his date when the time to leave had come.

Date. That was a laugh. Harm might not be the social animal that his reputation made him out to be, but he did have his share of offered companionship. Some women just saw the uniform as a trophy, though, and tonight had been pretty much just that. He'd given her the attention and respect she'd deserved, but promptly dropped her off at her apartment about an hour ago in DC; much to her disappointment.

As he entered the JAG office, Harm was surprised to see a light on in the Admiral's office. Frowning, he headed towards the light and softly knocked on the door.

"Enter."

Harm opened the door to find Admiral Chegwidden sitting behind his desk, still in uniform but a drink resting on his desk.

"Sir? Is everything all right?" Harm asked with concern. He knew for a fact the Admiral wasn't a drinking man, despite his Navy heritage. He also knew that the Admiral was never here this late unless something was wrong. Over the last few years, he'd come to know a lot about the older man he respected the hell out of.

"Everything's fine, Commander. Just enjoying the quiet for a while," the Admiral replied with a faint smile.

Still frowning, Harm said, "If you're sure?"

The Admiral nodded then asked, "Care to join me for a drink, Commander?"

Harm shrugged and stepped further into the office, heading for the leather chair in front of the desk. "Don't mind if I do, sir. Best offer I've had all night."

A grayed eyebrow rose. "I thought you had a date tonight."

Not really surprised that the Admiral kept tabs on his schedule, even his social schedule, Harm nodded and accepted the glass of bourbon. "I did. She was, ah, more interested in the uniform."

The Admiral nodded. "Understood."

And of course the Admiral did understand. He'd been single for a long time and probably had his own share of...admirers... more interested in the uniform than the man. "Hell of a week, Admiral."

A low, wry chuckle issued from the Admiral as he shook his head in agreement. "Hell of a week indeed, Commander. Glad it turned out so well, though. We'd have missed you around here."

"Thank you, Sir," Harm said in pleased surprise. "Drowning isn't exactly the way I plan to go out, Sir."

"And how do you plan to go out, Commander?" the Admiral asked, a strange glint to his eyes.

Harm took a sip of the expensive liquor first, enjoying the burn. "If I had my way, Sir? I think I'd like to go down flying. At least in some kind of heroic action."

The Admiral nodded as though expecting that answer. He stared at the mostly empty glass in his hands before saying, "There's something to be said for dying in the arms of the person you love."

Harm paused, a bit disconcerted by the faintly wistful tone to the Admiral's voice. He took another sip and agreed, "There is, Sir. It's rare for that to actually happen, though, in my opinion."

"And you're too young to even really think about this subject anyhow," the Admiral concluded with a smile.

Grinning, Harm raised his glass to the older man and commented, "You said it, Sir, not me."

The Admiral chuckled again and refilled his glass. After a thoughtful silence, he observed, "I'm sure you know I'm not in the habit of drinking alone."

"Yes, Sir," Harm said respectfully.

The Admiral stared at him for a long moment then seemed to shake off his funk. "But as you said, it's been a hell of a week."

"I'll tell you something, Sir," Harm began. "When the water was piling up in that submarine, and I couldn't feel my own body for the cold, I was praying for a miracle. But...I wasn't surprised when the miracle showed up as you, Sir."

The Admiral's hand stopped briefly, half way to his mouth, before continuing. He took a long drink before putting it back on the desk. "I think I've had enough to drink for the night, Commander."

Startled by the abrupt dismissal he heard in his Commander's tone, Harm set his unfinished drink on the desk and stood. "Yes, Sir."

Just as he reached the door, the Admiral called his name. Harm turned around. "Yes, Sir?"

"Thank you, Commander. For the drink and the compliment. I hope I never disappoint you."

Harm nodded his understanding. It was difficult for any of them to discuss personal things, but especially so for the Admiral, he'd noticed. "You never could, Sir."

A somewhat bitter smile crossed the Admiral's face and something inside told Harm that the older man was hurting. He hesitated and continued, "Are you sure you're all right, Sir?"

The bitterness faded from the Admiral's face as he nodded. "Just one of those long nights, Commander. I'll be fine. You should get home."

Harm nodded. "Yes, Sir."

With one last look at the Admiral sitting by the dim, desk light, Harm turned and left the office. He stopped by his office, got the files he needed and left. Once outside, he reached his car and tossed the files onto the passenger side seat. He glanced up and found the Admiral's outline in a window, staring down at him. Somewhat disturbed when the Admiral just turned and walked away, Harm stood by his car for several minutes, internally debating whether or not to go back inside.

Finally deciding that if the Admiral had wanted to talk further he wouldn't have been dismissed, Harm slid behind the wheel and turned on the engine. He pulled smoothly out of the parking lot and heading for home.

* * * *

`You never could, Sir.'

The words echoed through AJ's head with astonishing force as he returned to his desk. It had been all he could do not to break down, then and there. His hands had trembled not from alcohol, but from emotion. Thankfully, the Commander hadn't noticed, he'd only been properly concerned for his Commanding officer and friend.

AJ chuckled bitterly and downed the rest of the bourbon before picking up the Commander's glass. He studied the smudge where the younger man's lips had touched then sighed deeply and brought the Commander's and his own glass over to the sidebar to be washed later. He had forced himself over the years to not use the Commander's name casually; not even in his own head. It would be far too easy to let something slip if he allowed himself even that much leeway.

When the Commander had first arrived, he'd been brash, arrogant and compellingly handsome. It hadn't taken much to ignore the handsome part in favor of keeping the first two qualities in mind. But, like all truly good officers, the Commander had grown and, mostly, the arrogance had faded. It had been replaced by true confidence and competence, upheld by talent and bravery. That was when AJ started to get into trouble.

The months the Commander had spent on the carrier, flying missions, had been some of the longest in AJ's life. Not just because he didn't have the Commander in his life anymore, able to admire and care for from afar, but because AJ knew very well that there was a chance his officer could be shot down. It had been as close to war as the young man had come and AJ had wanted nothing more than to deny the transfer to keep him safe.

Of course he couldn't do that.

Forgetting the fact that it would have crushed the Commander, it was just plain wrong to use his power that way. He literally held the younger man's fate in his hands. With a stroke of a pen, he could doom the Commander to his current rank for the rest of his life. Yet another reason why he would never succumb to his feelings. There were so many reasons to keep quiet but it got harder every year.

AJ had never allowed his heart to dictate his actions and he wasn't about to start now. No matter how much he wanted to be the one the Commander loved, he had the other man's respect, friendship and admiration, and that would do.

It would have to.

END??