Title: Moment of Weakness

Moment of Weakness
by Caroline Crane

The driving beat of too-loud techno music pounded against his eardrums as he pressed back into the crowd crushing him on the dance floor, his eyes half-closed and his pulse pounding in his veins in time to the music. He wasn’t even sure how he’d found his way to the club in the first place, it was the kind of place where the sound system was so loud that you could barely hear actual music over the sound of the bass. Everything about the club was dark – the walls were painted black with random neon patterns on the walls and ceiling that caught the strobe lights and gave the whole place an eerie glow every few seconds. This wasn’t his scene at all, but that was part of what drew him here tonight. He wanted to lose himself in a faceless crowd where he wouldn’t run into anyone that knew him, that would recognize him as Petty Officer Second Class Jason Tiner. Tonight he just wanted to be anonymous, to dance with anyone or no one and drink until even he wasn’t sure who he was anymore.

He’d been working on his third beer when a pretty girl who looked way too young to be in the club pulled him out of his seat and dragged him toward the dance floor, but by then he had enough alcohol in his bloodstream that he didn’t care who was pulling him by the hand as long as he didn’t have to hold a conversation. He’d lost sight of her on the dance floor ages ago, but it didn’t matter that she’d disappeared. The music was moving him more than he was moving to it, and it felt good to let the crowd press against him and move him along as though he was just a small part of a bigger, faceless being. He couldn’t feel anything, not the press of the crowd or the heat dampening his hair and making it stick to his forehead in feathery wisps of dark brown. If anyone from JAG happened to be in the crowd they might not even recognize him now, in his black jeans and a fitted black T-shirt that showed off muscle tone that his Petty Officer’s uniform never did justice to.

No one at JAG would see him, though, because none of them would ever come to a place like this. Well, possibly Victor on a date but it was a weeknight so the chances of his running into Gunny this late at night were pretty slim. He knew he’d regret this tomorrow when he was fighting to keep his eyes open at work but while he was dancing it didn’t matter, nothing mattered but the pulse of the music through the floorboards under his feet and the energy of the crowd around him. He opened his eyes and focused on the faces nearest to him, idly searching the crowd for the girl that had drug him out there in the first place. After a few false starts he realized he couldn’t even remember what she looked like, a fact that suddenly struck him as funny. He felt his mouth curve into a grin and he thought he might have laughed, but the sound was swallowed by the noise of the club.

It didn’t matter anyway, because he wasn’t interested in picking up some girl that probably wasn’t even legal. He hadn’t come here to meet people, the last thing he wanted to do was use some girl as a cover for his Navy image. He’d done that too much already, and every time he hurt someone that didn’t deserve it he hated himself just a little more. It had gotten to the point that he’d stopped dating altogether, because even if he tried to keep the women that he met at ‘friend’ status most of them eventually wanted more and couldn’t understand why he was reluctant to give it. It wasn’t a normal reaction for a man, he knew that much. Women seemed to find his particular brand of shy good manners charming, though, so he’d started avoiding dating in an effort to avoid any more complications.

Picking up a guy was definitely out of the question, no matter how much he might want to. He couldn’t risk it, not when just keeping his brother company at a gay bar had raised questions at JAG. The fact was he liked the Navy – he didn’t agree with the military’s stand on homosexuals but he liked his job and he wasn’t ready to give it up. He’d started to feel lately like he was giving up more of himself in the name of his career than he could really afford to lose, though, and he wasn’t sure what to do about it. So he’d found himself driving from his apartment on the outskirts of Georgetown to a club in Baltimore he hadn’t been to in ages, the tension of the day only flowing out of him when he had a beer in his hand and he was lost in the anonymity of the crowd.

He only realized his gaze had settled on a particular person in the crowd when the person in question began moving toward him, pressing against the bodies moving in unison to the music to finally stop in front of Jason. He was slightly breathless from struggling through the crowd but as he reached the taller man he smiled and began moving again, his gaze locked with Tiner’s as they danced. He was smaller than Jason, with dirty blonde hair and a grin that made him look younger than he probably was. Dark blue eyes took in everything around him with an analytical gaze but there was something else there too, a sadness that Tiner recognized all too well. It made him want to turn and disappear into the crowd before he got a chance to find out what that sadness was about, but even though he knew he should he couldn’t make himself turn away from the blonde stranger.

They were dancing so close that Tiner could feel the other man’s body heat enveloping him, and he knew he was treading on dangerous ground. He hadn’t even realized that he’d been staring but the blonde had obviously picked up on his attraction because one of his hands was resting on Tiner’s hip as they ground together in time to the music. He swallowed hard as he tried to control his body’s reaction to the contact, the common sense he thought he’d checked at the door screaming at him to leave, to turn around and go home before he did something he couldn’t take back. One look into those blue eyes that mirrored his own and he couldn’t bring himself to walk away, though, not without at least knowing his name.

As if he could read his thoughts the blonde leaned forward, his other hand landing on Tiner’s arm as he pressed their chests together and brushed his lips against the taller man’s ear. "What’s your name?" he said over the music, the sound coming out in a near whisper even though Tiner knew he had to be practically shouting just to make himself heard.

"Jason," the taller man answered, doing his best to ignore the shiver that ran down his spine at the almost intimate contact. The sound of his own name sounded strange somehow, he was so used to everyone calling him Tiner that he barely caught himself before he supplied his last name instead. The truth was barely anyone in his life called him Jason, unless he called home or talked to his brother pretty much everyone he knew called him Tiner. Even his friends referred to each other by their last names, it was just another side affect of life in the military. Eventually everyone became synonymous with their rank, the impersonal nature of life in the Navy was just another reason that he’d found himself in the club tonight.

"I’m Jesse," the blonde said, pulling back to smile again before his hand left Jason’s arm to catch one of his hands. "Do you want to find someplace a little…quieter?"

Jason blinked and felt himself nod before he could stop his body from taking over. There were definitely parts of him that wanted to follow the blonde out of the club to wherever he had in mind, but that voice in the back of his head kept reminding him of what a bad idea this was. He didn’t know this person, he had no idea if Jesse was even his real name and he knew he shouldn’t be letting the guy pull him toward the entrance to the club. His legs refused to listen to reason, though, and his hand tightened its grip on the fingers wrapped around it in defiance of his common sense. Jesse glanced over his shoulder and grinned again as he felt Jason tighten his grip, obviously taking the gesture as a good sign.

The crisp night air hit Jason as they stepped out the front door, clearing his head a little as they made their way past the bouncer and the noisy crowd of what looked like college kids the bouncer was arguing with. No one noticed the two men disappear around the corner of the club in the direction of the parking lot, and no one saw as the smaller of the two men stopped in between a Forerunner and a Mercedes. Jesse let go of Jason’s hand long enough to take hold of his hips and push him back against the Forerunner, one hand finding its way to the back of Jason’s neck to pull his mouth down to meet a pair of warm lips. Tiner swallowed a gasp as Jesse’s tongue teased his lips apart and began mapping the inside of his mouth, his hands blazing a hot trail across the taller man’s T-shirt as Jason’s fingers closed around the denim covering the other man’s hips and instinctively pulled him closer.

The only sounds coming from either of them were muffled moans and whimpers of encouragement, and the insistent voice of reason in the back of Tiner’s mind finally gave up and shut down completely as he let his body take over. Somehow one thought managed to get through the fog of desire taking over his brain and he tore his mouth away from the warm, soft lips covering his long enough to focus dilated blue eyes on the person pressed against him. "My car…" he gasped, not entirely sure what he was trying to say. His body was screaming at him to forget the car, forget any semblance of privacy at all. Right here was fine, pressed up against some stranger’s SUV in the middle of the night in downtown Baltimore.

"Where?" Jesse asked, understanding dawning on him as Jason reached into his pocket to find his keys.

The taller man blinked and looked around the parking lot, trying to remember where he’d last seen his car. Finally he remembered that he’d parked near the back on purpose, just on the off chance that someone he worked with picked tonight to travel all the way to Baltimore to go dancing. He was thankful suddenly that he’d chosen the darkest corner of the lot to park, because he knew getting arrested for what they were about to do in his back seat would ruin his life. That thought gave him pause as they stopped next to his Camry, and he stopped with the key still in the car door and turned back to the other man. "Look, I don’t usually do this sort of thing," he said, trailing off as he realized that he had no idea what he meant. He didn’t know if he wanted to stop, he knew he should but "should" and "could" were vastly different concepts in that moment.

Jesse grinned sheepishly and Jason saw his own emotions reflected in the other man’s eyes for the second time that night, his heart skipping a beat as he tried to convince himself it didn’t mean anything. "To tell you the truth neither do I," Jesse admitted, taking a step away from the other man and leaning against the bumper of the car. "If you want to change your mind it’s okay. I mean I kind of got the feeling we were connecting in the club, you know? But that doesn’t mean we have to…I mean not in the parking lot, anyway."

"It’s not that I don’t want to," Jason said, hating himself for opening his big mouth when he knew they could be in the back seat right now if he’d just kept his brain out of it for once. "It’s just that if somebody catches us it could cost me my career."

"It’s okay," Jesse answered. "This isn’t really my style either, I swear. But can we…I mean even if nothing happens I meant it when I said I felt a connection. I mean can we just talk for awhile?"

Jason glanced longingly over his shoulder at the inside of his car, wishing with everything in him that he’d just kept his mouth shut. Still, Jesse hadn’t told him to go to hell and gone inside to search for someone more willing, so that had to be a good sign. He turned back to the smaller man and nodded, a shy grin turning up the corners of his mouth as Jesse handed him his keys and slid into the passenger seat.

"I’d invite you back to my place but it’s kind of complicated," Jesse said when Jason slid into the front seat and closed the door. "I live where I work and there’s no chance of any privacy."

For a moment Jason’s eyes clouded as he wondered if the other man had a boyfriend at home that he was fighting with, or maybe he was just out looking for a little extracurricular fun and everything at home was fine. A minute ago Jason had been perfectly willing to hop in the back seat for a quick blow job, though, so he didn’t really have any right to the sudden surge of jealousy that shot through him at the thought.

"Hey, I’m not hiding a wife at home or anything, I swear," Jesse said, startling Jason by reading his thoughts for the second time that night. The blonde laughed and shook his head, his grin lighting up his features and finally chasing the hint of sadness out of his eyes. "Man, you should see your face right now. Look, I can’t tell you all the specifics of my situation, it would take way too long anyway. But there’s no boyfriend or anything, I don’t know if you’re interested or if you even care but it’s the truth."

Jason smiled in spite of his reservations, forgetting for the moment that he wasn’t looking for this kind of complication and that he definitely couldn’t afford to get involved with the man staring expectantly at him. He hadn’t said it out loud yet but he couldn’t deny that he felt an instant connection with Jesse, it was strong enough that it made him want to run as soon as they touched and that was usually a pretty good sign that he was about to get in way over his head. He still had no idea what was up with that sad look in Jesse’s eyes when they first saw each other and it made him more than a little nervous, but he knew he couldn’t ask. Not yet, anyway, not unless whatever this was went somewhere.

He checked the urge to roll his eyes as he realized he was expecting it to go somewhere – no, hoping that it would – and told himself not to get ahead of himself. Just because the guy was hot and one hell of a kisser didn’t mean he was worth the risk Jason would be taking by getting involved. Still, it wouldn’t hurt to get to know him a little, would it? At least they could spend a little time together and maybe be friends, and if nothing else it was making for an interesting night. "I’m interested," he finally answered, not quite meeting the other man’s eyes as he felt his cheeks flush at the admission.

"Good," Jesse breathed, leaning forward in his seat and resting one hand on Jason’s thigh as he pressed their lips together again. The taller man sighed into the kiss and shifted in his seat, reaching up to run strong fingers through blonde hair that felt as soft as it looked. It had been way too long since he’d done this, months since he gave into the need to be this close to another man and even longer since it felt this right. The realization that it felt right confused him, he didn’t know anything about the man he was kissing other than his first name and what he felt like pressed against Jason’s chest. It should feel new and exciting and possibly even a little frightening, but it shouldn’t feel familiar, as though this was what he’d been looking for when he showed up at the club tonight.

That was exactly how it felt, though, no matter how many different ways he tried to tell himself it was just his imagination he couldn't shake the feeling that meeting Jesse wasn’t completely accidental. He didn’t believe in fate or destiny or any of those other romantic notions movies and books filled people’s heads with, half the time he wasn’t even sure he believed he could fall in love. If he was so willing to hide who he was in the name of his career it couldn’t be that important to him, could it? He could live without love, he’d done fine so far. No matter what his brother tried to tell him, there was no one person in the world that was worth giving up everything he knew to take a chance on an emotion that almost always let people down.

When they finally came up for air Jason’s chest was heaving, his pupils were so dilated there was barely a trace of blue left in his eyes and he couldn’t quite remember why he’d put the brakes on earlier. Jesse’s hand was still on his thigh, his fingers moving in slow circles and sending little shocks of pleasure and anticipation through Jason’s whole body. "I don’t mean to sound like a jerk here," Jesse said, his voice low and breathy, "but what about your place?"

Jason sighed and covered the hand on his thigh with his own strong hand, stopping the distracting motion of Jesse’s fingers long enough to get his brain to cooperate with him. "I live in Georgetown," he answered, regretting even his address at that point. There wasn’t one thing about the situation he found himself in that he didn’t regret, in fact, other than following when Jesse pulled him off the dance floor and led him outside. "It’ll take an hour to get there and I have to be at work early so you’d pretty much be stranded at my place."

"That part I don’t think I’d mind. But what are you doing all the way up here if you’ve gotta work in the morning?"

"Your guess is as good as mine," Jason said more to himself than in answer to the question. He sighed and leaned back against the seat, pulling his hand off the warmth of Jesse’s fingers. "Look, I’m sorry about this, I shouldn’t even be here."

"Hey, it’s just bad timing, that’s no problem. I’d say hell yes, let’s go back to your place, but I have a feeling it wouldn’t go over so well with the people I work with if I disappeared for an entire day. Doesn’t mean we have to forget it, just means a little planning. I want to see you again, Jason. Pretty weird, huh? That we just met and I hate the thought of saying forget it?"

Jason glanced over at the other man, instantly regretting saying anything at all when he registered the nervousness in the blonde’s expression. He couldn’t deny that he felt exactly the same way, though – part of him had been hoping that Jesse would say that he wanted to go back to Georgetown and hang around Jason’s apartment while he was at work. He knew this was about to get way more complicated than he could afford it to be, but he couldn’t look the other man in the eye and tell him he’d changed his mind. It still didn’t make any sense, it was just a couple kisses and some admittedly powerful chemistry but it was more than he’d felt for anyone in a long time. "You don’t know me," Jason said, forcing himself to hold Jesse’s gaze as he spoke. "I mean I’d like you to, if you want, but it’s…" He trailed off and sighed again, wondering if it was even important to tell Jesse that he was in the military. It wasn’t like Jesse had asked him to go steady or anything, as far as he knew they were still talking about a slightly delayed and very complicated one-night stand. "I’m in the Navy."

As soon as he said it he looked down at the seat between them, thankful for the darkness so the other man wouldn’t see his cheeks blaze crimson. It wouldn’t matter that he was Navy if they weren’t talking about some type of relationship that implied more than one night together, and the fact that they’d only known each other for half an hour wasn’t helping him feel any less awkward about the situation.

"I should have known," Jesse said, a wry grin turning up the corners of his mouth as Jason glanced up sharply. He laughed softly and pulled his hand away from the other man’s thigh to trace his thumb along the outline of Jason’s lips. "I mean you’re way too cute to not come with some kind of strings attached. But believe me, there are a lot of other things you could be that are a lot more complicated."

Jason frowned as he watched Jesse’s eyes cloud at his last words, his mind wandering to all the things about himself Jesse could not be telling him. There was no way he could know without spending more time with him, though, and as much as he knew it was probably a bad idea he couldn’t bring himself to say no. Either he agreed to see the other man again and dealt with whatever came up along the way, or he cut his losses now and did his best to forget tonight ever happened. He was pretty sure option B was out of the question, though, so there was really only one thing he could do. "Look, it’s getting pretty late," he heard himself say, his voice laced with regret even as he glanced at his watch and saw that it was already after 1:00. If he was lucky he’d be home and in bed by 2:30, which meant four hours of sleep at the most. "I should probably head back. Can I drop you off someplace?"

"That’s alright, my place isn’t far from here," Jesse answered, his smile returning as he shifted in the passenger seat. "Are you busy Friday night? We could meet here, say around 10:00?"

"Yeah, okay," Jason said, his pulse speeding up in anticipation of the next time he’d see the virtual stranger sitting in his car. He wanted to roll his eyes, to laugh at himself or tell himself he was crazy and go back to Georgetown where it was safe. Jesse was still sitting there, though, and he was so warm and his lips were so soft, and Jason knew he couldn’t control his body’s reaction to the thought of seeing the other man again. "Friday at 10:00. So I’ll see you then."

"I’ll be here." Jesse smiled again and leaned forward, pressing his lips to Jason’s and teasing his mouth open again. He took his time exploring the moist warmth of the taller man’s mouth, his hands wandering down Jason’s chest to trail along the waistband of his jeans as their tongues slid together. Finally he pulled away and Jason couldn’t stop the low groan of disappointment that escaped his throat, making him blush all over again as Jesse laughed. "See you on Friday," the blonde said before he slid out of the car and closed the door behind him, glancing over his shoulder once before he disappeared into the darkness.

Jason stared at the darkness in front of his car for a long time after Jesse disappeared, focusing on evening out his breathing enough so he could drive home without getting into an accident. He had no idea how he was going to make it through the next two days of work, and there was no guarantee that Jesse would actually show up on Friday night. He wasn’t going to think about that possibility, though, or he’d find a way to convince himself not to show up at all on Friday. He already knew that it would be the smartest thing to do, but it wasn’t even close to what he wanted.

The End