Title: Over My Head

Author/pseudonym: Caroline Crane

Over My Head
By Caroline Crane

44 hours later, Jason was surrounded by the same loud, driving techno beat, the sound pounding in his blood stream and mingling with the pleasant buzz caused by the two beers he’d had already. He’d spent the past two days trying everything he could think of to get his mind off the blonde stranger he’d managed to pick up the last time he was in the club, and by the time Friday night rolled around he’d talked himself out of and back into keeping their date at least a hundred times. Finally he was so sick of the sound of the dueling voices in his head that he’d gone to the club early, hoping that if he lost himself in the crowd and drank enough before 10:00 rolled around he wouldn’t care if Jesse didn’t show up.

It hadn’t worked, of course, and he’d caught himself scanning the crowd for the face he hadn’t been able to erase from his memory more times than he wanted to count. He knew he had to go to the club, he had to get the guy out of his system so he could get on with his life. He didn’t know what it was about Jesse but he knew if he never saw him again he’d keep thinking about him, and he couldn’t afford that kind of distraction. So he’d show up and with any luck Jesse would too, and whatever happened between them would chase what was bordering on obsession out of Jason’s system.

The music stopped and started again, a slow song this time and Jason began to move off the dance floor. He focused his gaze on the bar, quelling the impulse to look at his watch. He’d get another beer and wait out the song, catch his breath while he watched the bodies grinding together on the dance floor and not think about whether or not he was going to show. Before he managed to make his way through the throng of moving bodies he felt an arm snake around his waist, however, and his heart lodged in his throat as he found himself being turned back toward the center of the dance floor. He looked down, expecting to find himself looking into familiar blue eyes, but instead he found a pair of dark eyes smiling back up at him.

She didn’t say anything, Jason wouldn’t have been able to hear her anyway but her smile grew a little wider as he let her pull him back onto the dance floor. His arms went around her automatically and they began to move together, swaying to the slow rhythm of the music. For just a second Jason wished that this was the person he’d come here to meet, that the dark-eyed girl with waves of auburn hair and a knowing smile was what he’d been looking for. He couldn’t count the number of times over the years that he’d wished he could just want what he was supposed to want, what the Navy and the world at large would approve of. He didn’t want to be different, he didn’t want to have to hide himself or tell himself that he was happy being alone. There was no choice, though, there never had been because he’d tried and he knew it didn’t work. Even as his hands wandered the curves of the girl’s hips he felt his stomach turn, hating himself for giving her a reason to look at him with want and expectation.

"I saw you come in," she shouted over the music, pressing herself a little closer to him so he could hear her. "You’re here alone, aren’t you?"

"I’m meeting someone," he answered automatically, fresh regret hitting him as he saw the flicker of disappointment in her eyes just before she shrugged and smiled again.

"Well they haven’t showed up yet," she said, pressing herself against his chest and letting her hands wander a little further down his back.

Jason swallowed and let her hold onto him, doing his best to ignore the urge to scan the crowd for any sign of Jesse. If it was possible the club was even more crowded than it was on Wednesday night, so even if Jesse did show up there was no guarantee that he’d find Jason out in the center of the dance floor. He could have waited outside, he’d considered it but the thought of standing around with his hands in his pockets waiting for someone that might not show didn’t appeal to him. The truth was he was terrified, half of him was afraid Jesse wouldn’t show up and the rest of him panicked at the thought of what would happen if he did. It wasn’t like he’d never done this before, it had been a few months but he’d never been this nervous about it.

Anyway they weren’t building a relationship, Jason didn’t have relationships and this time was no different than any of the other times. It couldn’t be, he couldn’t afford to let himself get emotionally involved with Jesse or any other guy. It always went the same way – he met some guy in a club, they went back to the other guy’s place and when it was over Jason went home alone. Maybe he’d see the same guy more than once, but it never went beyond a handful of nights and they both always knew exactly what they were doing. It was just sex, no commitment and no promise of anything else. And Jason never, ever brought anyone back to his place, it was too dangerous and he had too much to lose if any of his neighbors or anyone else that knew him happened to see him bringing a strange guy home. The first time he’d ever even considered it was Wednesday night, and that terrified him as much as anything else about Jesse. He knew if Jesse had said yes he would have driven them back to Georgetown, and he couldn’t afford to take that chance even once.

The music shifted again to something faster but the girl wrapped around him didn’t loosen her grip, and he pulled back a little and looked down at her. She glanced up at him pointedly, her expression asking him the question she hadn’t voiced. He opened his mouth to answer, to tell her before this went any further that it wasn’t going to happen. Before he got a chance he felt a hand on his shoulder and suddenly the girl was moving away from him, or maybe he was being moved away from her by the hand that had moved from his shoulder down to his bicep. He felt himself being turned and all thoughts of the girl he’d been dancing with flew out of his brain as his gaze locked on dark blue eyes.

"Hi," he murmured distractedly as Jesse’s arms circled his waist and pressed them together.

"Friend of yours?" Jesse asked as he glanced over Jason’s shoulder in the direction of the girl he’d been dancing with. If Jason hadn’t been so shocked by the hint of jealousy he would have laughed, but the look in Jesse’s eyes when he turned his attention back to Jason made any amusement fade as quickly as it had surfaced.

"No, I mean I don’t know who she is. Just some girl that wanted to dance," he answered, his body tensing in the other man’s grip as he wondered what he’d gotten himself into.

Jesse must have felt him tense, because he visibly relaxed and his expression softened into a smile. "Guess I shouldn’t be surprised that somebody else was trying to pick you up. You do look hot tonight." He pulled back a little and let his eyes wander appreciatively over the dark blue sweater that clung to Jason’s torso, his hands sliding into the back pockets of Jason’s jeans.

Jason laughed nervously at the compliment, taking the opportunity to give Jesse a once-over. He was wearing an olive green muscle shirt and jeans under a black leather jacket, and Jason had to admit that if he’d just walked into the club and spotted Jesse he probably would have thought about trying to pick him up. Still, something about the whole situation made him nervous, and the momentary display of possessiveness when Jesse found him dancing with a girl just made him more aware of how uncomfortable he was.

Before he had too much time to dwell on it he felt a hand on the back of his neck, and then he was being pulled forward again. His lips collided with Jesse’s and parted almost instantly, his body winning out over his better judgement as he gave in to the need to taste the other man again. He knew this was a bad idea, anybody could walk in and see him making out with some stranger in the middle of the crowd of people moving around them. He couldn’t make himself stop, though, and the force of his attraction to the body pressed against his was threatening to make him do things he knew would get them both arrested.

He groaned and tore his lips away from Jesse’s to pant for breath, instinctively scanning the people around them to see if anyone was watching. Jesse’s hand left the back of his neck to rest against his cheek, forcing his gaze back to rest on the smaller man’s again. "You need to relax," Jesse said, his voice barely carrying over the driving beat of the music. "Nobody cares what we’re doing. I thought that was why you were here the other night, because this is the kind of place where people mind their own business and let you do whatever feels right."

"I was here…" Jason trailed off, stopping himself before he said the words out loud. He couldn’t admit to anyone that he’d been at the club to forget who he was for awhile, to leave himself at the door and get lost in something bigger and more powerful than him. The music and the crowd were seductive, but he hadn’t intended to find himself plastered to a beautiful blonde stranger in the middle of a very public place. Jesse was right, he needed to relax. That was what he wanted, but he couldn’t relax in a crowd like this. Not completely, not the way he needed to. "I just wasn’t sure if you were actually going to show up." It was part of the truth, and it was the best he could offer by way of an explanation.

Jesse smiled again and let go of Jason, cocking his head in the direction of the back of the club and then walking away. It was obvious he expected Jason to follow him, and although he never glanced back he seemed pretty sure that Jason was right behind him. Jason sighed and ran his fingers through his hair nervously, hesitating for just a second before he followed the blonde through the crowd. He almost lost sight of him in the crush of bodies a few times, but when he reached the edge of the dance floor Jesse was there waiting for him. If it was possible the back of the club was even darker than the rest of it, the music was just as loud but it didn’t drive into Jason’s skull and make it hard to think the way it had on the dance floor.

They stopped when they reached the far wall and Jesse leaned against it, pushing a lock of blonde hair away from his forehead as he watched Jason stop in front of him. Before he could stop himself Jason was leaning into the warm body in front of him, one hand braced against the wall next to Jesse’s face and the other snaking its way under the leather jacket to rest on his waist. He felt a little of the tension flow out of him as he registered the darkness engulfing them – at least back here there was less chance that someone would actually recognize him. If someone who knew him happened to be in the club and wandered toward the back they’d just see two vague bodies pressed against the wall and wrapped around each other, but the chances of them making out enough of Jason’s face to recognize him were slim.

"I told you I’d be here," Jesse finally said, his hands closing around the front of Jason’s sweater and moving him a few inches closer. "And I always keep my promises."

Jason swallowed against the lump that rose in his throat at the look of intensity in Jesse’s eyes. Part of him wished he’d stood the blonde up after all, but the rest of him was desperate to believe that he could trust this person he didn’t even know. He wanted to know him, he didn’t want to want that but so far they’d barely spent a total of an hour together and he already knew he wanted more. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to go, he was supposed to be getting Jesse out of his system so he could go back to being content with his life. The worst part was that he knew if he’d met any other guy two nights ago that he’d already be working them out of his system, but one look in those deep blue eyes and he could tell it was a lost cause this time.

"Good to know," Jason answered, hoping he sounded more casual than he felt. An hour ago all he’d wanted was to lose himself in the crush of the crowd and the music, but now he found himself struggling not to get lost in the way Jesse made him feel. Their bodies were pressed together in a way that felt far too familiar and Jason’s lips were hovering so close to the other man’s that he could feel Jesse’s breath on his cheek. "I’m glad you showed."

"Me too," Jesse said, grinning as he leaned forward the last inch and fused their mouths together. The force of Jesse’s mouth claiming his and the strong hands holding him close chased away the last of Jason’s resolve and he felt himself begin to melt into the sensation, thankful for the arms that found their way around his waist to hold him up. It was a strange sort of comforting to know that Jesse knew what he needed before even he did, but even that feeling was a little frightening. He let his hand move from Jesse’s waist across his back, memorizing the planes of the blonde’s solid muscles as Jesse’s lips left his to trail down his jaw.

Jason knew that much more of this and neither of them were going to make it much further than his car, but he couldn’t make himself care while he was pressed against Jesse with that mouth exploring his throat. "Jesse," he whispered, not sure if the other man would even hear him over the music. He knew they should stop but he didn’t want to, God knew the last thing he wanted to do was lose the warmth of Jesse’s body pressed against his.

"That girl," Jesse said suddenly, his hands landing on Jason’s chest to push him back a little. Jason blinked to clear the fog that threatened to settle in his brain, staring into determined blue eyes as he tried to figure out what Jesse was talking about. "If I hadn’t showed up would you have gone home with her?"

Girl…what girl? Somewhere in the back of his mind he had a vague memory of long auburn hair and small, delicate hands trailing down his chest…right, the girl that had pulled him back onto the dance floor. He shook his head slowly, his body tensing again as he watched several different emotions warring in Jesse’s eyes. This was just a fling, he was just some guy Jesse had picked up in a club. What did he care if Jason would have taken that girl home? "No, I don’t…I’m gay. I thought that was pretty obvious," Jason said aloud, not bothering to hide the confusion in his expression.

Jesse laughed but it didn’t quite chase away all the tension in his features. "Yeah, well, that doesn’t always mean much. I mean the Navy, that’s a pretty big deal. You probably date women to keep up the image and all, right?"

Jason sighed and took a step backwards, letting his hands fall to his sides as he tried to figure out where this was going. It was supposed to be just one night, maybe two or three but it shouldn’t matter to Jesse whether he dated women or not. He swallowed against the sudden urge to turn and bolt, crossing his arms over his chest as he watched Jesse watching him. "Not anymore. I mean I used to, but it just gets way too complicated and it’s not worth it."

"Is this worth it?" Jesse asked, his voice so quiet it barely carried over the music. He pushed himself off the wall to stand in front of Jason, his gaze never wavering. "Driving all the way out here to meet some guy you don’t even know, and for what? What are we doing here?"

Alarms started going off in Jason’s head the minute the words left Jesse’s mouth, his common sense shouting at him to cut his losses and get the hell out of there before he did something he’d regret. This was dangerous territory, and the way Jesse was looking at him let him know that he was in way over his head already. It was the question he’d been asking himself for two days but now that Jesse had said it out loud he knew the answer as clearly as if someone had whispered it in his ear. He couldn’t say it out loud, though, even if they both knew exactly what was going on he couldn’t bring himself to voice it and make it real. "I don’t know," he finally answered, knowing that was exactly what Jesse expected him to say, even if they both knew it was a lie.

"Yeah, me neither," Jesse answered, his gaze finally leaving Jason’s to scan the crowd over the other man’s shoulder. Jason watched as his shoulders fell forward, his hands in his pockets and his blue eyes taking in their surroundings without really seeing anything. He wished he could rewind the last few minutes and go back to the part where they were still pressed against the wall, not thinking about anything but how right they felt together. Only Jason had no idea if Jesse felt that way, all he knew was how he felt. The sudden realization that Jesse might be thinking about walking away hit him hard, knocking the air out of his lungs. He reacted without thinking, one hand reaching out to cup Jesse’s cheek and guide the blonde’s gaze back to his.

"You wanna find out?" he heard himself ask, his voice infused with a confidence he definitely didn’t feel. He wanted to laugh at the flirtatious tone in the words, he wasn’t usually the type of guy that felt comfortable saying such an obvious line. The problem was that he suddenly wanted to find out, maybe more than anything he’d ever wanted. Whatever this thing was between them was dangerous, and not just to his career. He should be willing to walk away, he knew that was the right thing to do. His body wouldn’t listen to him, though; in fact it was inching closer to Jesse again, reveling in the warmth emanating from the other body.

Jesse smiled in answer, the sparkle of humor returning to his eyes as he turned his face into Jason’s touch. "First thing we need to do is get you someplace where you can relax," Jesse said, reaching up and closing his fingers around the hand still cupping his cheek. "So what do you say, you still want to take me home?"

There was no way Jason was going to be able to say no to him, even if taking Jesse back to his place was the worst idea he’d ever had. He should have lied that first night and said he had three straight roommates, or that he lived in the dorm on base. He could have solved the problem of getting out of taking Jesse home with him the same way he’d always done in the past, one little white lie was all it took. There was still the fact that Georgetown was an hour away, and he could use that as an excuse to suggest a hotel near the club. The problem was that he didn’t want to go to some anonymous motel, he wanted to take Jesse home to his bed.

"Don’t tell me you’re hiding a wife at home," Jesse teased, but he didn’t quite manage to hide the edge in his voice. Jason shook his head automatically, squeezing the hand still entwined in his.

"I’m not hiding anything. It’s a long drive, you sure you want to go all the way out there?"

Jesse grinned, his whole body relaxing as he looked Jason up and down. "Positive. I have a feeling it’ll be worth the trip."

Jason returned the blonde’s smile and let Jesse lead him toward the front of the club, doing his best to ignore the butterflies in his stomach. He had no idea what he was doing and the thought of being out of control even for a minute scared him more than even getting caught, but he couldn’t bring himself to stop. There was something about Jesse that made him almost want to let go of the control he worked so hard for. He knew he wasn’t going to get it out of his system until he found out what it was, so there was nothing he could do but go along for the ride and hope it all worked out in the end.

The End