Title: Torture

Author: Gail

Fandom: JAG

Pairing: Harmon Rabb/Sarah MacKenzie

Rating: PG-13

Summary: Harmon Rabb has a rare moment of self-honesty. All right, maybe not so rare.

Archive: not without asking, please.

Email: GEMorse@attbi.com

Web Page: http://members.freespeech.org/gem/work/
http://www.angelfire.com/ma4/gem/work/

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are the property of Belisarius Productions and CBS.

Spoilers: Assume everything up to Tribunal.

Warning: obligatory Palmer reference and angst up the ass.

For Celli, who got me thinking Harm/Mac. Set during Tribunal. Many thanks to Tinnean and Celli for betaing.

Torture
by Gail

Being with Sarah MacKenzie is torture.

It shouldn't be. It doesn't have to be, but I've made it that way. And I thought Palmer was the most screwed-up, sadistic bastard in the world. He is, but it could be argued that I'm as screwed up and sadistic to me and Sarah.

I want to get closer, have more, have love and have it with her, but I can't take that damned final step and tell her, because with her that final step would mean marriage, and I'm not ready for that. I should have said yes to her in Australia. I should have found a way to say yes to her earlier this year. I should have... should have done a lot of things. But I didn't do any of them.

The longer I wait to take that step toward her, not flirting, but the step that's followed by me telling her the truth, the greater the chance when I do take it, she won't want me. Will have found some other guy.

No one who knows me would believe I've got this much insecurity, which means I'm doing what I want, hiding it. I wonder if Sarah knows. Maybe. But maybe not. She knows I'm scared.

Can't even be honest with the woman I love.

She's coming for dinner tonight to talk about the Al Qaeda case. I could tell her that I wanted to talk about us. I should do that.

Will I? No.

So we'll spend an evening together, and we'll laugh and joke and stay in our roles, wear our masks, and I'll sleep alone again. Be alone again.

Someday it'll be the right time, and I'll tell her. Someday.

Tonight it's more torture for me.

The End