First Meeting

by Jeanster

Pairing: Aragorn/Legolas

Rating: PG-13

Catagory: humor

Note: My fanfiction parody of Leave it to Beaver, LOTR-style

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Leave It To Beaver and/or The Lord of the Rings.

First Meeting

by Jeanster

SCENE: The athletic field of the school of Mayfield, Middle Earth. Aragorn, Boromir and Gimli are practicing with their weapons.

GIMLI Have you noticed that this school is gradually filling up with Elves?

BOROMIR You mean the new principal?

GIMLI Not just Principal Elrond. I hear he's going to bring in his daughter so she can teach the young Hobbits.

BOROMIR Can you spell 'nepotism'?

ARAGORN I heard that a new Elf student transferred from Mirkwood. Have you met him yet?

BOROMIR Nope. How about you, Gimli?

GIMLI No. And I'm in no hurry.

A bell rings.

ARAGORN Time to head inside.

The three of them sprint over to the school building. They do not notice the figure observing them from high up in a tree. It is the figure of a beautiful blond male Elf who had overheard their conversation regarding Elves. He waits until the three figures disappear into the school, then he climbs down the tree and heads for the school.

SCENE: Classroom. The door opens. In walks the beautiful blond male Elf. The instructor turns to see who it is. The Elf hands the instructor a piece of paper.

INSTRUCTOR (reads the paper, then looks at the Elf) Good afternoon, Legolas. Welcome to my class. There's one empty seat over there. Please make yourself comfortable and we'll begin.

LEGOLAS Thank you, sir.

The Elf sits. His seat is right next to the one occupied by Aragorn.

INSTRUCTOR Aragorn, since Legolas doesn't have a textbook for this class yet, would you please share yours with him? Legolas, your textbook should be delivered here tomorrow, so I'll issue it to you then.

ARAGORN (smiles and nods to the newcomer) We're on this page here. Chapter ten.

LEGOLAS Thank you.

Aragorn is having trouble paying attention to the instructor's lecture. The Ranger finds it very hard to take his eyes off of Legolas.

ARAGORN (thinking to himself) What a magnificent face! I could look at that face for hours and never tire of it. Hang on! What's wrong with me? I'm Aragorn! Big Man on Campus! All the girls in this school adore me. I could have my pick of any of them. In fact, I've HAD my pick of them. So why do I now have a fantasy of snogging this Elf in the shower of the locker room and shagging him senseless?! Gah!!!

The Ranger feels very confused about his new feelings. He finds he still cannot take his eyes off of Legolas. The Elf feels the eyes of the Ranger on him, so he turns to look at him. Aragorn quickly averts his eyes and pretends to be intent on looking at the instructor.

LEGOLAS (thinking to himself) Do I have a smudge on face? Is my hair sticking up? Why did Aragorn stare at me like that for such a long time? I wish I hadn't left my compact in my locker. Mental note to self: Keep my compact with me at all times so I can check my appearance.

ARAGORN (thinking to himself) Does he know I was staring at him? Geez! I hope he doesn't think I'm pervy!

About an hour later the bell rings. The instructor dismisses the class.

ARAGORN (thinking to himself) Quickly now, say something to him! Don't just let this beautiful Elf leave!

Legolas gets up to leave.

LEGOLAS (smiles at Aragorn) Thank you for sharing your textbook with me.

ARAGORN (heart beating rapidly) Sure. No problem. Hey, do you want me to show you around the school? I know how it feels to be the new kid.

LEGOLAS That would nice. Thank you. I'd like that.

ARAGORN Let's go.

The Ranger and the Elf spend the next half hour touring the school. It is almost empty, as the school day is over and most of the students have left. A few hang around to chat and trade class notes. But soon it is only Aragorn and Legolas left in the school.

LEGOLAS Shouldn't we leave now? They'll be closing the school and locking the doors any moment.

ARAGORN We still have a few minutes. Come on. I forgot one more place to show you.

LEGOLAS Okay.

He follows Aragorn.

LEGOLAS This is the Boys' Locker Room. I've already seen it.

ARAGORN (smiles mischievously) Ah, but not like this, I'll bet.

LEGOLAS (puzzled) Like what?

ARAGORN (pauses, and appears to be deep in thought) Wait. On second thought, maybe I'd better not. You might be too young for this.

LEGOLAS Too young? I don't think so.

ARAGORN No, no. This was a mistake. Let's just leave. Time to go home now.

LEGOLAS No! Show me! What is it? I'm not too young!

ARAGORN Well, let me see. If you're sure you're mature enough for this. . .

LEGOLAS Of course I am! Now what is it?

ARAGORN Okay. Follow me.

Aragorn opens the doors of the Boys Locker Room and enters. Legolas follows.

(2)

SCENE: Inside the Boys' Locker Room. Aragorn and Legolas are there.

ARAGORN (thinking to himself) I can't do this! I want to, but I can't! What if he gets disgusted with me and refuses to have anything to do with me anymore? I don't want this beautiful Elf to avoid me! What if he decides to tranfer out of this school? Oh, but his face is just so, so very lovely and his lips are just so, so perfect . . . oh, geeez! He's right here only inches from me. So close and yet so far.

LEGOLAS So what's inside this Boys' Locker Room that I'm supposedly too young to see?

ARAGORN (snapping out of his deep thoughts) Huh? Oh, right. Uh, it's over here.

Aragorn stalls by slowing walking toward the shower area. Legolas follows him. Aragorn stops just as they reach the showers.

ARAGORN That's odd. It's not here anymore. I guess they must have moved it.

LEGOLAS (puzzled) What's not here anymore? And who are 'they'?

ARAGORN It's too complicated to explain. Aw, let's just forget about it. We'd better leave now. They might be locking the doors any second, and we don't want to be locked inside this building all night.

But the thought of being locked inside any building overnight with this beautiful Elf excites the Ranger very much.

LEGOLAS (still puzzled) Very well.

They leave. Ten seconds after the two of them exit the building the janitor locks all the doors.

ARAGORN Where do you live?

LEGOLAS I have an apartment downtown. It suits my needs. How about you?

ARAGORN I live in a house with a wizard and a couple of Hobbits. Do you live with anyone?

LEGOLAS No. I have the entire apartment to myself. I like having my own space. Would you like to see it?

ARAGORN (heart beats very rapidly as he tries to be cool about it) Sure. When's a good time?

LEGOLAS How about this Saturday morning? I'll give you the address and phone number.

The Elf writes his address and phone number on a sheet of paper in his notepad. He tears out the sheet and hands it to Aragorn. Aragorn takes it and tries not to let his excitement show.

ARAGORN And here's where you can reach me outside of school.

The Ranger scribbles his home address and phone number on a sheet of note paper and gives it to Legolas.

LEGOLAS Thanks. See you Saturday morning, then?

ARAGORN You bet.

(3)

SCENE: The bedroom shared by Aragorn and Frodo. Saturday morning at 6 o'clock. Aragorn has been awake for an hour already. He is looking forward to seeing Legolas today. The alarm clock rings. He hits the button to stop the ringing. Frodo stirs and awakens.

FRODO (sleepily) Good morning, Aragorn.

ARAGORN Good morning, Frodo. Sleep well?

FRODO Yeah. Thanks. How about you?

ARAGORN Not bad. I've already had my shower, so I'm going to head outside now. See you later.

FRODO Aren't you going to stick around for breakfast? Uncle Bilbo says breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

ARAGORN I'll grab an apple on the way out. Have a good day.

FRODO (puzzled) Uh, okay. You, too. 'Bye.

Aragorn rushes out of their room, down the stairs and out the door. Frodo hears the front door close shut.

FRODO (thinking to himself) It's not like Aragorn to be up so early on a Saturday. I wonder where he's going? Oh, well. Maybe Uncle Bilbo is going to make his famous blueberry pancakes this morning. Yum!

He gets out of bed to go take his shower.

SCENE: The downtown apartment where Legolas lives. He awakens to the sound of a knock on his front door. He sleepily gets up to answer it. Legolas sees a tall handsome blond Elf carrying a grocery sack standing outside the doorway.

LEGOLAS Haldir? What a pleasant surprise!

HALDIR (smiling) Good morning, Legolas. I was in the neighborhood, so I thought I'd pay you a visit.

LEGOLAS You were in the neighborhood?

HALDIR Yes. I'm going to see Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel this afternoon. I figured since I'm here in Mayfield, I'd stop by to see you first.

LEGOLAS Well, it's always nice to see you. Excuse my appearance. I just woke up a moment ago.

HALDIR I brought breakfast. Are you hungry?

LEGOLAS Of course. Do you mind if I take a quick shower first? It'll help awaken me. I'm still a little sleepy.

HALDIR Go ahead. I'll set the table and get all this food ready for us.

LEGOLAS Thanks. I won't be long.

Legolas goes into the bathroom and shuts the door. Haldir opens the cupboard doors and brings out some dishes and glassware.

A few minutes later there is another knock on the door. Haldir goes to answer it. It is Aragorn.

HALDIR (smiles) Yes? May I help you?

ARAGORN (startled to see a strange Elf in Legolas' apartment) Uh, maybe I have the wrong apartment. I'm looking for an Elf named Legolas.

HALDIR You have the right apartment. He's in the shower at the moment. To whom do I have the pleasure of speaking?

ARAGORN I am Aragorn. Legolas and I go to school together.

HALDIR I am Haldir. Come in, Aragorn. I was just getting breakfast ready.

Aragorn enters the apartment. He sees the dining table all set for two. Just then the bathroom door opens and out walks Legolas.

Nude.

Totally.

Beautiful.

Absolutely.

Stunning.

Smelling like a fragrant sweet rainforest.

Aragorn's mouth drops open, then he composes himself.

ARAGORN (thinking to himself) Apparently Elves are very comfortable with their bodies that they feel unabashed about walking around like this in front of others.

He looks at Haldir for any reaction to Legolas' current state of undress. Haldir seems completely at ease with it.

ARAGORN (thinking to himself) Damn! What did I just walk in on here? I might have known an Elf as stunningly beautiful as Legolas would already have someone! And I might have known it would be another tall blond gorgeous Elf!

Suddenly Aragorn feels very unattractive. What would a beautiful Elf like Legolas see in a mere Man like himself, when he could have Haldir?

LEGOLAS Aragorn! I didn't expect you here this early in the day.

ARAGORN (thinking to himself) Apparently not, you slut. Oh, what I am I thinking? I have no claim on Legolas. He doesn't even know how I feel about him.

Aragorn smiles and looks around. Legolas puts on a robe.

ARAGORN My apologies if my early arrival has caused any problems. Am I interrupting something?

LEGOLAS No, no. Not at all. I'm very happy to see you, Aragorn. Do please have a seat. Join us for some breakfast?

HALDIR Yes, Aragorn. There is plenty of food. Do join us.

ARAGORN Uh, thank you. But I don't want to intrude. I should leave and come back later.

HALDIR Nonsense! You're not intruding! Please stay!

LEGOLAS Aragorn? Are you all right? Please don't go. You've come all this way. There's no need for you to rush off.

Aragorn looks at the two beautiful blond Elves. He feels completely out of place here.

ARAGORN I'm all right. I just need some fresh air. You two enjoy your breakfast. I'll come back this afternoon, if that's okay. Haldir, it was very nice meeting you.

LEGOLAS (puzzled and feeling a little hurt) Of course it' s okay for you to come back later this afternoon. I'll be right here. See you then?

ARAGORN Yes. See you then around one o'clock.

HALDIR Nice meeting you, too, Aragorn. Sorry you have to leave so soon.

Aragorn turns and leaves, closing the door behind him.

Legolas and Haldir watch him through the window.

LEGOLAS I wonder why he left so abruptly like that?

HALDIR (a little more street-smart than Legolas) Sometimes you can be so blind, my dear Legolas.

LEGOLAS (surprised) And just what do you mean by that?

HALDIR This may take a while. Sit. Have some breakfast, and I'll give you my theory as to why your school chum didn't stay long.

They take their seats and have breakfast.

(4)

SCENE: The streets of Mayfield, Middle Earth. Aragorn is wandering aimlessly about and feeling disappointed about how his morning did not go as he had expected. Suddenly he hears footsteps running toward him from behind. He turns and sees Boromir.

BOROMIR Aragorn! Hey, buddy! Where've you been?

ARAGORN Good morning, Boromir. Just out and about.

BOROMIR I showed up at your house and was surprised to hear you left around six o'clock. Decided to catch the early worm, huh?

ARAGORN Uh, yeah. Whatever.

BOROMIR So where are you off to now?

ARAGORN No where in particular.

BOROMIR Are you feeling okay, buddy? You seem down.

ARAGORN Thanks for asking. I'll be fine. It's nothing.

BOROMIR Want to shoot some hoops? Or practice with our swords? We could meet Gimli later.

ARAGORN No, thanks. Boromir, if you don't mind, I think I need to be alone for a while. But I appreciate your concern. See you later, okay?

BOROMIR Uh, sure, pal. Whatever you say.

Boromir watches Aragorn walk away.

BOROMIR (thinking to himself) I wonder what's troubling him?

SCENE: Back at the apartment where Legolas lives. Haldir and Legolas have finished breakfast and are clearing away the dishes.

HALDIR And that's my theory as to why Aragorn was in such a hurry to leave.

LEGOLAS I can't believe I didn't pick up on any of this. How could I have been so blind? That is, if your theory is correct.

HALDIR I'll bet you a session in Lord Celeborn's Day Spa that I'm right.

LEGOLAS No, thank you. I think you'd win. Haldir, what should I do? He seemed so hurt when he left.

HALDIR That depends on how you feel about him.

LEGOLAS I only met him a couple of days ago in school. I haven't had time to get to know him well enough to form any real opinion about him.

HALDIR Well, apparently it didn't take him long to form one about you. What will you tell him when he comes over today at one o'clock?

LEGOLAS I'll have to think about it. I don't want him to feel uncomfortable around me or to start avoiding me in school.

HALDIR Good luck, my friend. Well, I'll be leaving now to see Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel. If you want to tell me later how it goes with Aragorn, I'll be all ears.

LEGOLAS Thanks, Haldir. And thanks for breakfast. I had a nice time visiting with you.

Haldir smiles and leaves. Legolas closes the door and sighs.

LEGOLAS (thinking to himself) Poor Aragorn.

(5)

SCENE: Bilbo's kitchen at 10 o'clock in the morning. Aragorn is there having brunch. It has been hours since he had eaten that apple at 6 a.m., so he is finally hungry enough now to eat a real meal.

BILBO Where did you rush off to so early in the morning? You missed out on blueberry pancakes.

ARAGORN Just out. Sorry about those pancakes.

BILBO Your loss is Frodo's gain. He ate your share. You're a big lad, so I won't press you about where you went, but if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. So is Gandalf. And so is Frodo. We all care about you, Aragorn.

ARAGORN Thanks, Bilbo. That means a lot to me.

He continues to eat. He decides to tell Bilbo about where he went this morning.

ARAGORN I was paying a visit to a new friend from school. But it turns out he already had company, so I decided to leave and go back later. In fact, I'll be heading over to his place early this afternoon.

BILBO A new friend from school? That's nice. Why don't you invite him over for dinner tonight? It'll give the whole family a chance to meet him.

ARAGORN Thanks, Bilbo. I'll do that when I see him this afternoon. Are you sure it's no trouble?

BILBO No trouble at all, dear boy. I'll make pot roast and all the trimmings. How's that?

ARAGORN Great! I love your pot roast.

BILBO Well, now, it's nice to see you smiling again. You've had such a sad look on your face ever since you got back home earlier.

Aragorn feels better. He is now optimistic about seeing Legolas in the afternoon.

SCENE: The apartment where Legolas lives. He reads a book while he waits for Aragorn's arrival. He has had time to think about Aragorn and what to say to him. The hour approaches. There is a knock on the door. The Elf gets up, opens it and greets his visitor.

LEGOLAS (smiling warmly) Aragorn, come in. It's good to see you.

ARAGORN Thanks. Sorry about rushing off earlier. I hope you and Haldir didn't take offense at that. I just needed some air. Wasn't feeling well.

LEGOLAS Don't worry about that. I'm happy that you could finally make it over here for a real visit. Well, this is my apartment. Let me show you around.

Legolas gives Aragorn the grand tour. Then they sit down at the dining table.

LEGOLAS Are you hungry? I could make us some lunch.

ARAGORN No, thanks. I had a late brunch at home. But if you're hungry, please don't let me stop you.

LEGOLAS I'm fine. Let's just talk.

ARAGORN Fine by me.

There is an embarrassed silence between them for a few minutes. Each is expecting the other to say something. Finally Aragorn speaks.

ARAGORN Would you like to come over to my house for dinner tonight? Bilbo Baggins, he's the Hobbit who lives with us, said I could have you over. He's making pot roast with all the trimmings.

LEGOLAS (smiles) I'd like that. Yes, I'd love to have dinner at your place tonight.

ARAGORN Great. That's great.

He looks around the room while trying to think of something to talk about.

LEGOLAS Aragorn, would you like to sit over there? It's more comfortable.

He motions toward the sofa.

ARAGORN Yes, thank you.

They both sit on the sofa. Another embarrassed silence ensues for about three minutes.

The Elf decides to take matters in his own hands. Without saying a word, Legolas embraces Aragorn and plants a kiss right on his mouth. It is a long deep wet kiss. Legolas' tongue probes Aragorn's mouth while he runs his slender fingers through the Ranger's long dark hair. After a long moment, Legolas releases Aragorn from his embrace and smiles at him.

LEGOLAS Do you feel better now that we've gotten that out of the way?

Aragorn is speechless for a few seconds. He had not seen that coming at all. He stares at Legolas.

LEGOLAS (thinking to himself) Oh, no! Haldir's theory was totally wrong! Aragorn now thinks I'm a pervy Man-fancying Elf!

Legolas jumps up from the sofa.

LEGOLAS (in a contrite tone) I am so sorry, Aragorn. That was terribly forward of me, and it was most inappropriate. Please forgive me. I'll understand if you want to leave right now and never see me again.

Without saying a word, Aragorn gets up from the sofa, takes Legolas by the hands and gently pulls him back down so they are both seated on the sofa again.

ARAGORN Leave and never see you again? Don't be a silly ass. You're the most beautiful creature I've ever laid eyes on in all my days here on Middle Earth. All I've been wanting to do since I first saw you is kiss you and much, much more.

LEGOLAS Much, much more? Care to elaborate on that?

ARAGORN Sure. Do you want me to tell you or show you?

LEGOLAS You know where the bedroom is, right?

They both smile, get up from the sofa and head down the hall.

LEGOLAS And I'm still counting on that pot roast dinner tonight.

ARAGORN Less talking, more kissing.

* * * The End * * *