Author: 3Jane
Title: Istari Love
Fandom: Lord of the Rings
Pairing: Gandalf/Saruman
Rating: nc-17
Warnings: other than slash? Nope. ;-)
Summary: These two Istari did not come to Middle Earth on purely alturistic purpose. They wanted bodies but were not quite prepared for the challenge
Spoilers: very little bit of FotR
Notes: Follows more the book than the movie.
Disclaimers: I don't own the book or the movie, not even McKellen or Bloom. None of the characters are mine. I don't intend to make money of this, it is for the sole purpose of my own enjoyment and the entertainig of others.
ISTARI LOVE
By 3Jane
The beginning of the third age.
At the borders of Valinor, in the halls of Manwe on the peak of Mt. Taniquetil the nearly ageless spiritual beings called Istari pursued their innocent pastimes. They surfed the wind and fooled around in clouds that scratched along the highest peak of Arda.
Olorin, who was not the most powerful of the beings, but by Manwe considered being the wisest, had retreated to the western side of the mountain, constricted his bodiless spiritual existence to a degree of almost-palpability. It was the only way to have no connection whatsoever with his fellow Istari. How could a borderless consciousness NOT be in contact with others of the same kind? Yet Olorin had found a way.
"Olorin?" Curumo let his awareness scan his surroundings. "Olorin! What are you doing?"
A sensation of happiness swelled in Olorin at the gentle chiding call of his dearest friend Curumo. With a tiny flicker of will his self expanded, meeting with his kindred, uniting with them as they were supposed to. Bewilderment welcomed him. His fellow Istari were always deeply disturbed by his withdrawal and unannounced returns into their community. After a short moment of surprise the others rejoiced in surfing the wind again.
"Curumo." Olorin greeted his friend warmly.
"Did you hear?"
"What?"
"Manwe seeks volunteers to be send down to Arda. They shall help the people of Arda to fight the Fallen One."
"The Fallen One!" Olorin shied back at the idea.
"Yes. They will be given bodies." Curumo added conspirational.
"Eeww."
"No mortal bodies. Supposedly like the Fair Ones, immortal."
"Hrmph........Curumo, what are you up to?"
"Let us volunteer, Olorin!"
"What? No!"
"Olorin, imagine: bodies!"
"Discharge, Curumo. Hurt, wounds, hunger. Arda's children suffer constantly. Why would you want that?" Olorin could not understand. "Because they can do what we will never be able to."
Olorin laughed out loud. Now, that was a joke! "What would that be? What would be worth all the drag such a fleshly existence brings along?"
"Sex." Curumo whispered.
"What's that: seks?"
"Sex. It is.......two beings getting together, being one. Just you and me, Olorin."
"We are ONE, Curumo. All the time." Olorin reminded his friend.
Yes. Along with all those other simpletons." Curumo said deprecatingly.
A wave of irritation from the others washed over them. Olorin laughed out loud "Now, who is the simpleton here?"
"Privacy, Olorin. And Sex. Sex must be the greatest thing. Greater than anything else."
"Even greater than surfing a down-wind?"
"I guess. Come, I'll show you." Curumo stretched his consciousness downwards to the planes of Arda, Olorin following alongside, their beings coupled as tightly as they could. It was wonderful to be coupled like this, Olorin always reeled in happiness when they did it. When their thoughts mingled until they were one, the ecstasy Olorin felt was the best he could imagine.
They visited some Elves who were busy with some kind of dance or wrestling. The mental state of the two partners was that of extreme arousal and bliss and when their action suddenly stilled and ceased, the wave of ecstasy that washed over the two invisible watchers left Olorin
shaken.
Quietly he retreated to the safe heights of Taniquetil.
"Now?" Curumo asked.
"That was......even watching was incredible. I never felt anything the like, dearest friend." Olorin was still trying to cope with the intensity of emotion he had felt.
"Imagine, Olorin, we could have THAT! Oh, beloved, let us go! Let us feel this! Just you and me." Curumo tried to usher Olorin, entwining with his friend until Olorin could hardly think straight any more.
"Yes! Yes, let us go. Come! Let's talk to Manwe."
++++
Complete deprivation.
For the first time in his ageless existence Olorin experienced what being ALONE truly meant. Manwe had just poured Olorin's spiritual existence into the body he had chosen for him and when the process was complete, Olorin was alone.
There was no other mind within reach. No matter how he tried to expand in search of his fellow Istari, he could not reach them; in fact it seemed that he could not EXPAND at all. Not further than to the tips of his fingers or toes.
Combined with this utterly frightening deprivation, Olorin on the other hand suffered a complete sensory overload. Deafening noise branded against his ears, bright light blinded his eyes and his skin itched and tingled and hurt in various places.
Eventually he stood. He was dressed in gray robes and they were the reason for most of the uncomfortable sensations his skin relayed to his brain. Olorin took them off. Only to put them on again immediately because the wind was so cold, he nearly froze on the spot! "Curumo?" he called tentatively. His body's voice seemed to thunder.
"Curumo has arrived two days ago." A voice said from behind. "His name here is Saruman."
Olorin nearly jumped back out of his new skin, so scared was he at the sudden assault of his ears. Spoken thoughts! What an outrageous idea! He turned around to face the speaker.
The man was one of the Fair Folk, that much was clear. A wave of sympathy and love washed over Olorin, flushing his skin. So many distracting sensations. "Who are you?"
"I am Cirdan. I am the shipmaker of my people. Welcome in Arda, Olorin of the Istari." Cirdan bowed deeply "Your name is to be Gandalf. I was asked to tell you so."
"Where can I find Curumo - Sa . Saruman?" Gandalf was desperate for his friend's company. He was scared, alone as he was.
"I don't know. He went this way," Cirdan pointed south-eastwards "He was very lost in thought. If you hurry you may reach him soon."
So Gandalf set off immediately.
"Wait! You can't leave without anything to eat." Cirdan stopped the Istar and handed him a bedroll to hang across his shoulder which too contained food and cinder. Equipped like that Gandalf was finally allowed to set off.
It was a wondrous journey! Gandalf knew most creatures of Arda from view, had watched them often. To actually travel AMONG them was entirely different. When he stood on a hill, letting his gaze sweep across the seemingly endless planes of Arda, a butterfly landed on Gandalf's hand.
The Istar was so shocked at the sudden physical contact - in fact the very first with another living being - that he yelped loud and jumped backwards, tripping over a root and rolling down the hill he had just climbed.
When he came to a halt, Gandalf did not move. He was hurting in various parts of his body. Pain was another new thing to experience. He just laid there and cursed in every language he knew. For a second he considered to call Manwe and tell him to end this silly trip right here and now. Which was - of course not possible. His connection to Manwe had gone with his connection to his fellow spiritual friends. There was no way to cancel this field trip.
With a sigh Gandalf sat up and finally stood. "Ow!" he had a sprained ankle and limped back up the hill. This was slowing him down enormously and by nightfall he had not come much farther.
It was cold!
Fire. Right, he needed a fire. Gandalf went and collected dead wood. By the time he had finished he was far too unnerved to bother with the silly cinderbox. Instead he thrust his staff into the the wood and called out "Naur!"
The flames licked hungrily along the wood and soon Gandalf had a warm fire going. //at least.// the wizard sat down and warmed his stiff fingers.
"Olorin?" a bodiless voice came out of the dark. It was a voice so deep and rich, it send shivers down Gandalf's spine (who thought it was caused by the cold).
"Who is it? Who knows my name?" Gandalf stood and stared into the dark.
Steps and then a very tall figure in white appeared in the firelight.
Long white hair, long white beard, white robes, glowing eyes. An OLD MAN!
"It's me. Curumo."
"Oh!" Gandalf immediately tried to link his mind with Curumo - to no avail. Instead he stepped forward to - //to what? Touch!// to touch Curumo. Their embrace was electrifying, for both it was the very first intense contact with another body and they parted immediately again, staring at each other with shock and surprise. Millions of nerves rioting, relaying the new sensation to a mind that was not really prepared for this.
Gandalf categorized the sensation and then reached out again, wanting to touch his friend, wanting to end his painfully torturing solitude.
Saruman gasped when soft fingertips gently slithered across the planes of his cheek, feeling soft skin, tiny wrinkles and coarse beard. His happiness found a physical resemblance and a smile spread across Gandalf's face.
"Oh, my dearest friend." Gandalf whispered, shaken by the new experience. He was actually FEELING his beloved in a way he had never thought possible. "You are beautiful!" the Istar said with honest admiration. He had always loved all inhabitants of Middle Earth and how could his beloved not be beautiful to behold?
"I'm cold." Saruman complained.
"Oh, come here! Sit down here. I - I can warm you." Gandalf embraced Saruman who was slowly getting warmed by the fire.
"I couldn't start a fire. I was freezing and decided to go back and ask Cirdan for advice. Thank Manwe that I found you!"
"I'm here now. We're together, everything will be fine, beloved." Gandalf soothed his friend.
(2)
He couldn't sit still, he was feeling full and uncomfortable and the sensation grew worse the longer it lasted.
"What is it?"
"I . I don't know. My body."
"Have you discharged?"
"What?"
"You haven't. There's - you've got a nozzle down between your legs. Open your robes, Olorin. There -" Saruman pointed at Gandalf's flaccid penis "aim away from us and relax your muscles."
Gandalf fingered the strange body-part. It looked like a tiny copy of an Olifant's nose. He pulled back the abundant loose skin to reveal something like a small mouth that suddenly released a fountain of liquid. "Whoa!" he straightened and jerked his hand away, spattering his boots with the liquid. Saruman laughed a bit.
"You must hold it and aim away or you will soil yourself!"
"Aha." After it was done, Gandalf felt much better. He rearranged his robes and sat down at his friend's side. The warming fire relaxed both enough to let them feel how tired they truly were. They somehow knew they needed to sleep, but even that was a new concept for both of them.
In the end they decided to lay down in each other's arms because that seemed to give them a sense of safety and togetherness. It took a while until they had found a comfortable position where not hair tickled noses or bone bore into flesh. By that time they were both drowsy with sleep and soon drifted off into an unknown state of oblivion.
Part 3 Darkness.
Lack of sensation.
Gandalf sat up with a start, letting out a small cry.
"What is it?" Saruman woke with immediate bewilderment.
"I can't see! I can't feel my arms!"
"What? What happened?" Saruman took a closer look at Gandalf but he couldn't find any wrong. The arms were there, so were - "You need to open your eyes, Gandalf."
"Open -what? Oh!" He opened his eyes and with immense relief SAW again. He inspected his arms -they were where they belonged, only they - they did not feel as if they were his. He tried to move them. It went reluctantly and it was almost painful to do so.
"Do you think it is always like this?" Gandalf asked with obvious apprehension. Slowly a tickling feel in his arms grew to an almost unbearable itching.
"Well, you will have to remind yourself of opening your eyes." Saruman answered with a smug smile.
+++
Not very much later they were walking eastwards again. More than once they complained about the obvious slowness of walking. To turn their awareness from one point on Arda to any other, no matter how large the distance, was only a question of wanting ever before. Time never had had a meaning to the bodiless spirits they had been. Now they painfully learned its meaning.
Gandalf, who had often watched Middle Earth carried a rough map in his mind and so they had an idea of where they were and where they wanted to go. What they did not know was, how long it would take them.
Another thing that had never mattered before were obstacles. Physical barriers, keeping them from traveling in a straight line from the Gray Havens to Rivendell. Some of them were small, like thorny thickets. Some were large, like rivers. And sometimes the smaller proofed more problematic than the larger ones.
By the end of that day the two wizards looked pitiful: every patch of bare skin was scratched and their robes were torn in several places. Saruman had not thought it difficult to walk through a thicket that broadly barred their way instead of taking a detour of a few leagues. Soon he was caught in a tangle of thorns and Gandalf had a struggle of its own to free his dear friend's robe and beard and hair, and finally himself as well. With that experience came another: pain.
Nothing of that did help to raise their spirits.
"Oi, Gandalf! All my bones ache." Saruman flung himself on the ground. Not a good idea either for the bumps of moss and grass were not as soft as they looked but overgrown rocks. The wizard stood and cursed the stones with all spells he knew until a gentle hand on his shoulder stopped him.
"Don't waste your breath my dear friend." Saruman's anger evaporated.
"Oh, Gandalf! This is dreary! We will have to learn so many petty things that will keep us from our mission..." he sighed and shook his head. Yet he was too proud to excuse for having Olorin convinced to join him in this adventure.
"Ah! Here, sit. Carefully! There you go. I hope things will look better once we've eaten and the fire warms us." He unpacked some sweet fruit they had found on their way and tried to kindle a fire. It would not work. In the end Gandalf became impatient and stood "Tinta-Naur!" he called out and the fire was burning. "Na vedui! You could have done that right away, don't you?" Saruman grumbled.
"Why, yes. But I wanted to get some practice in the way of the people here." Gandalf smiled smugly, sitting down besides his friend.
The fruit was sweet and as soon as they were full both laid down arm in arm again. The day's march had tired them very much and they both were soon asleep.
But not for a long time.
Saruman who had eaten the larger part of their sparse meal woke with terrible cramps in his stomach. Soon he threw up and retched until he was completely exhausted. Not too long and Gandalf joined him in the literally gut-wrenching endeavor. Next was diarrhea and then came the fever. By sunrise both were so sick they could not get up, not even when a rider came by in full gallop and reared his horse with a single word "Daro!"
A white horse slowly trotted closer and a man of the Fair Folk gracefully slid off its back. He eyed the two with curiosity and as soon as he understood they were sick, he knelt down and ushered them to drink from his flask. He re-kindled the fire and covered the two with his blanket.
Hours later Gandalf looked at him, almost blinded by the beauty of the elf. "Who are you?" he whispered, his hand thoughtlessly reaching out to touch this bright being.
"My name is Glorfindel. May I ask who you are?"
"O-" he stopped. They were not to reveal their true identities. Manwe and the other Valar had decided that Middle-Earth was to be defended by its inhabitants. The Istari were sent only to offer advise and guidance, not to command of force the people of middle-earth into submission. And who would oppose the words of an Istar? So it had been decided to send them under cover with false names. Only very few would know about them. Gandalf had nearly tripped. "My name is Gandalf."
Glorfindel could not hide his surprise. So this was one - no, they were two of the Istari? He had been sent to the Grey Havens to inquire for Elrond about their coming and Cirdan had told him they were on their way already.
The elf bowed "Mae govannen, Lord Gandalf. This is a fortunate meeting then. Lord Elrond has send me to escort you to Rivendell as soon as you arrived. Unfortunately I was late - I beg your pardon, my Lord. I understand that your companion is the Lord Saruman then?"
Gandalf only waved off. He was too weak and too tired.
"But what made you so sick, my Lords?"
"I don't know. Probably the food?" Gandalf shivered with fever.
Glorfindel looked around and picked up a red-and-golden fruit "You did eat THIS?"
"Why, yes."
"But that is Honey-Poison! Only few beasts can eat it. Did nobody tell you what is edible?" Glorfindel was partly amused and concerned. This was not quite the wise, cunning Maia he had expected to meet.
"Nobody told us anything, my fair elf."
+++
Two days later Glorfindel decided the two Istari had recovered enough to continue their travels. He helped them climb the backs of the two spare horses he had with him and spent the better part of the next days teaching the two fellows how to ride. If riding it could be called. At least he told them how to stay on the horses.
Still a swift journey was far from what they accomplished and their butts were soon sore. It all went frustratingly slow and the three of them found themselves in a state of utter frustration, even if the reasons were all different.
Glorfindel had expected the Istari to arrive in full power and knowledge. To find them almost incapable of keeping themselves alive, ignorant of the simplest things (he had to explain to them even how to properly shit behind a bush and wipe off their rear ends!) made him wonder how they should ever be of any help.
Saruman was frustrated because he proved to be such a slow learner. He had expected things to come to him quite as easily as they always had. Now he found that even such a primitive act like SITTING on a horse was a difficult task. And painful, too! He felt ashamed and humiliated to admit his limitations to a stranger who so easily did all those things he had no clue about. He did not like this Glorfindel.
Gandalf marveled at all things around him and it bothered him to the degree of anger that he was constantly ushered to go on. Why could he not talk to that bird? And why did his horse constantly complain about him? Did he not try hard to make it right? He wanted to learn but could not. Glorfindel was in some hurry.
.
By the time they reached Rivendell, Gandalf and Saruman knew how to ride a horse! They were so fed up with the horses, riding, Glorfindel, each other and sleeping on hard, lumpy ground in the rain they were glad to get two separate rooms.
For two days they did nothing but sleep and soak in hot water. Elrond was wise enough to let them recover and adjust first.
Instead he had long talks with Glorfindel who told the Half-Elf about his wondrous journey with two utterly wise yet fully ignorant Istari.
"I can't believe this!" Elrond laughed hard.
"My Lord, I assure you it is true! Gandalf was fully convinced that a river was no obstacle and that water was as good to walk on as was the flat ground he stood on. So he took a big step before I could say anything and - he was gone!" Glorfindel gestured to stress his own surprise.
"By the Valar!"
"I had to dive and rescue him. Otherwise the first Istar would not have survived the first week in Middle-Earth."
"Why did Manwe send such ignorant minds?" Elrond was truly at a loss.
"Honestly, my Lord, I don't think any other would have fared better. Their knowledge is great but only in those matters where they are experienced. They need to get accustomed to their bodies, to the carnal aspects of their new form, then we will - hopefully - find they are truly who we hoped they would be." Glorfindel sounded convinced. The long journey had soothed his first worries quite a lot because the conversations with the two incarnated minor spirits had revealed their immense knowledge.
+++
At the same time Gandalf decided he was no longer fed up with Saruman but was missing him badly. He walked over to the room he knew his friend occupied and stepped in. Saruman stood at the window and let his gaze sweep across Rivendell.
"Curumo." Gandalf whispered. Ah, even this felt so good! To say his beloved's true name.
Saruman slowly turned around, a smile lighting up his face "Olorin! Beloved." the two met in the middle of the room where they embraced. For a long time they stood like that, enjoying the long-missed closeness.
"I missed you, beloved." Whispered the smaller Gandalf.
"Yes."
"I would like to sleep in your arms, Curumo. I feel so terribly deprived - this solitude is maddening!"
"I know. Be my guest, beloved."
"Thank you. But first I will go and see Glorfindel. We will meet at dinner, dear friend." Gandalf reluctantly broke the embrace and set out to find their guide of weeks. He knew that Saruman was too proud to admit any lack of knowledge so he had decided to take it upon himself to inquire what he wanted to know, what Saruman certainly wanted to know just as well.
After asking and searching for quite a while he found the Noldo in the company of some other elves.
"Hail, Gandalf! I see you feel better by now. How can I help you?" Glorfindel greeted the wizard kindly and introduced him to the others. Once the pleasantries were exchanged, Gandalf came to the point without further ado:
"I wonder if you can explain me how to have sex. You see, Saruman and I are very close and we thought we should engage in that ecstatic play. But we need advise. Would you be so kind and explain to us how it is done properly?" Gandalf asked politely.
Glorfindel blushed while all the others present stared at Gandalf.
"That - errrrm - that is not exactly an appropriate subject for company, Gandalf." The elven Lord said when he had gotten a grip. "I am not sure if I can properly explain to you what you want and need to know. Your intent is - well- quite peculiar so to speak." Glorfindel rose, obviously flustered and walked into the large house of Elronds, Gandalf following suit.
They ended up in a small study where Glorfindel closed the door firmly once they were in and made sure they were alone.
"You cannot know, but that was highly compromising, Gandalf."
"I'm sorry. what did I do wrong?" the wizard was truly contrite.
"Well, first: sex is nothing to discuss in public. It's simply a matter of politeness. Secondly - and that is indeed the greater faux-pas - your question implied that I engage in such things myself." Glorfindel was still very nervous.
"I thought everybody did so!" Gandalf was at a loss. They had seen it happening everywhere all the time before they had come to Middle Earth.
"You don't understand! You and Saruman - you are both males. Usually sex is a matter of two persons of the opposite sex. Male and female."
Gandalf's face fell. They had come with such complete misconception?! Not even this form of union should be granted to them?
"The other way is. not considered to be normal. It is.rare. It is nothing to admit freely. You asking me about such encounters implies that I engage in same-gender activities myself. There will be gossip."
"Oh, I see. I am sorry. I did not want to put you into a bad light in front of others. But.you say 'usually' - doesn't that mean there IS a way to be together, even if we are males?"
"Of course!"
"Oh, by the Valar! For a moment I had feared. why do you laugh?"
"You look so relieved!" Glorfindel smiled.
"You cannot understand."
"Try to explain it to me." Glorfindel sat down in a chair.
Gandalf tried to make the elf understand what it had been like before, how they had always been in contact with each other and how they had loved each other since the beginning of time. "We suffer terribly from the constant separation. We - we never thought of the shape of our bodies being any reason for contempt or even mean hindrance to any of our plans. If - please, if you cannot give us the information we need, maybe you know somebody else who can?" Gandalf was desperate. In their ignorance none of them had thought of difficulties like this!
"What I tell you now, will not be told to anybody else." Glorfindel said seriously.
"I promise!"
"I can help you. Still I don't want others to know. This is an important rule: NEVER tell a third person that you know about somebody who does this. Maether-meleth (warrior-love) is usually done in secret."
"I will not. I give you my word. And of course will I instruct Saruman."
"Well. There is not too much to learn but first of all you should learn about your own body. Find out what you like. Touch yourself and learn what kind of touches you enjoy most. Chances are that another male will like the same."
"Um-hm. Touch me - like what? I wash myself but - well, it's not too exciting, honestly." Gandalf asked further.
"Caress yourself. Gently touch yourself, preferably your face, neck and body. Pay attention to your nipples - you may be amazed at the sensations touching your nipples may cause. And you will then soon find that your penis requires a LOT of attention. But you will find that out yourself. Once you know what you like, you can try to find out what your partner enjoys. Then you may come back to me and I will tell you about the next steps. Take your time, Gandalf. This is nothing to hasten by." Glorfindel became more confident while he talked.
"I will. Thank you so much, my friend!" Gandalf was happy and couldn't wait to tell Saruman the news.
"Oh, and Gandalf: if your dick makes a mess, that is completely normal and part of the act. Nothing to worry about."
"I'll keep that in mind." Gandalf was truly at a loss, not knowing what Glorfindel meant. // you'll find that out soon, I suppose//
+++
"Now what did he tell you?" Saruman had just changed into his night-robe.
"He said that we first should find out what we like ourselves. Like, what we like to do to ourselves. That we should caress our bodies in order to learn."
"Naked, I suppose." Saruman took off his robe again.
"I guess. And something else, something important: it is not appropriate to talk about sex in public. Glorfindel was highly embarrassed when I did so. Even worse: it is not appropriate for two males to engage in sex with each other. Although it seems so be common knowledge that such is done. Yet is seems to destroy your reputation somewhat. We should not mention that Glorfindel does it. And we should not mention that we want to."
"Hrmph. I don't see why we should conceal our love. I have always loved you, my dear Olorin and this body will not change that. Not all of Middle Earth will change that."
A tear rolled down Gandalf's cheek who was deeply moved by the fiery confession of his beloved. Manwe had always looked at them in loving indulgence and it had never occurred to them that things could be different in Manwe's very Kingdom!
"What is it? What is with your eyes?" Saruman gently wiped the tear away.
"I don't know. Probably some weird reaction, I feel very moved by what you said. I love you, Curumo."
"And I love you, Olorin. Come now, let's settle down and do as he has told us."
"Curumo?" Gandalf slowly took off his robe.
"What is it now?" the taller Istar was getting slightly unnerved.
"You are beautiful to behold!" Gandalf smile at his naked lover.
END part 3