Title: Musings

Author/pseudonym: Julia/Jia

greytam@iafrica.com

Pairing: None (see title:) And I'm not going to make it one either. (Just a shadow-couple, if that helps:) For this part, anyway. I'm not saying anything about (2/?) ;)

Rating: NC-17... slash alert!

Status: WIP. (But I plan to post regularly:)

Archive: Yeah.. sure! (Do you really want *this*??!?! :)

Feedback: Always! Every time! (In whatever form you desire: choklit-covered Aragorns and Legolas' are especially welcome... ;)~And please be nice - this is my first piece of LOTR-type fic!

Series/Sequel: Hell, NO!!!! <gets scared look>

Other websites: I'm still busy getting my website up and actually *running*... lol. (I'll post to all the ml's when it's ready for business! :)

Disclaimers: These musings are mine. The characters belong to JRR Tolkien.

Notes: I *know* that the "Guardian" and the Protector arrived *after* the injured one, buuuuut... :)

Also, by the end, it *definitely* leaves canon. ;)

This is dedicated to Lauren Greenleaf - thanks, my friend! :)~

Summary: Thoughts on a cool night. This does read better with LOTR in mind, however the time-sequence in events is out

Warnings: None, except this is directly from my admittedly twisted mind, sooo.. bwaahahahahaa..... :D (Sappiness, and a li'l mary-sue-ishness:)

UNBETA'ED.

Musings
by Julia/Jia

Pain. Anguish. Danger. Fear. Outcast. Regret. One leads to the other, which in turn, leads to the next, which leads to the next.... and... and... nothing.

I see all of these in your face, dear one. And what upsets me, is that I can't do a thing. This is the one time when I can't interfere. I'm helpless to help you. I'd give anything to help you, I know that you know that. It's that awareness that keeps me sane. Nothing else would.

I sit here, watching over you. The others think that I feel guilt, for what happened. That is the truth, although they do not realise that I feel other things too. It *was* my fault. I cannot escape thinking that.

Trust. Such a simple thing, yet so easily... broken. You lie there, in that clean, warm bed, still unconscious. Still oblivious to your surroundings, yet a slave to the pain. It is instinctive for me to want to protect you, keep you safe from all those who would hurt you, but who am I to say that you would welcome my... protection?? That you would need my protection??

The others make noises about getting something to eat, and leave when it is clear that I will not follow them. Someone brings me a plate of food. I automatically eat, not really tasting what I was eating, but merely bringing sustenance into my body. Even if I did not feel like eating, my body needs the nutrition, and the journey has been hard.

Exhaustion. My body feels like a deadweight in this chair, yet I do not leave. I dare not, for I fear that if I do, you shall not be here when I return. I also fear that you would wake while I was resting my tired body. My limbs start to ache, my muscles protesting their earlier abuse.My hand falls to the sides of my chair, but I keep the other one firm in yours. My eyes feel like they are full of sand, they hurt, and sting.

When a wetness slips down my face, and I put my hand to investigate, I'm surprised to feel that I'm actually crying. I never cry. Never.It is then that I allow my mind to accept the reality of the situation, and my hands start to shake, as I try to prevent my tears from falling, in vain. Cannot appear weak.... tears signal weakness.... they signal feelings repressed....

I hear footsteps, and someone exclaim, as a gentle hand wipes away my tears. My hair falls forward, to hide my face, to give me a moment to regain my composure. I hear them, and see them carefully check you for any improvement. None. They make some optimistic noises at me, before they leave.

I brush some hair from your face. My tears have stopped, thankfully. Leaning back in my chair, I watch you. So still now.... I force myself to remember you as you lived, and that finally brings a small smile to my face. But, I hardly knew you, before we realised what danger you were in. My smile falls again.

I sense someone enter the room, and that they're not surprised that I'm still here. "Go....rest. I will make sure that nothing enters or leaves, besides the healers. And I will wake you first if there's any change," this voice says.

Forgive me, my love, but I am tired, weary beyond anything I've known. I shall not leave you, but I need my rest, if I am to protect you, and will rest in the bed that lies next to you. For some reason, I trust this person, who says that they will protect you. Loosening my shoes, I slip them off, along with my clothes, as I curl up in the bed. Your Guard gasps, as they see the bruises along my body.

I was forced to go at breakneck speed to get to you, and all thoughts to being careful for my sake had vanished. The bruises were the result of that. My horse was in better condition that I. The forest had not been kind to me, her branches reaching out to stop me, but I merely raced past.

Yes.... I can finally admit it. You are my love. A tiny smile appears at the corners of my mouth, as I imagine what yourreaction would be, if you knew how I felt. My eyes close, and I allow myself to hope against all hopes, and to dream, that when I wake, you will be there, waiting for me.....

 Part two.

Pain. Anguish. Danger. Fear. Outcast. Regret. One leads to the other, which in turn, leads to the next, which leads to the next.... and... and... nothing.

Various faces swam around my eyes, before melting away in the inky blackness. Myself, as I was wounded in the fight. The pain masking my features.The anguish in my beloved's face, as I was wounded. The danger that my companions faced, all for me. But, their loyalty shone from their faces, as they rallied around my fallen body.

I floated in the darkness, feeling it surround me as if I was submerged in water. Nothing, yet everything seemed to touch me. Shadowy-figures appeared in front of me, their swords held high, in a kill-stance. One steps forward, and thrusts into me... PAIN. I blank out.

Arms around me, holding me through the pain, protecting me. But who would protect my Protector?? The fear raced through my body, as I clutched my Protector close to me. Fear that my loved one would be taken from me prematurely. Fear that my loved one would not know of my feelings.

Yes, you are my beloved. This brought some amusement amidst the terror, and blinding pain, as I thought how you, my Protector, would react to my feelings....But, no. I would be rejected, too young to know my true feelings, too many responsibilities tied me down. I feared that. My responsibilities were the reason why I was so alone. So outcast. No one tried to get close to me. No one dared. This isolation was driving me crazy!

I longed to see the sunlight dance across your face, this deep intense hunger that I had to feed, if I was to remain sane. I yearned to feel your fingers play across in my hair.... the wind, to loosen your hair, your slightly unhappy look at its' attempts. I regret my not knowing you better, but the little time that we had was enough for me. I fell hopelessly for you, but knew that I would have to hide my feelings. For a while, anyways.

This thick, inky blackness is slowing my movements down, and presses down onto my body. It's growing difficult for me to move, beloved. If I stop moving, I fear that I would never move again, and die here -in this horrible place. Without you by my side..... fighting at my back.... with *me*. I won't leave you! I can't!

......I won't....... I can't.....nothing can make me leave you. Nothing at all.

For some strange reason, I can sense your presence nearby. Thank you, dear-heart. I am much calmer now. Let this black jelly support me if it so wishes! It is still very hard for me to move though, my love. I grow tired from my ceaseless struggles.

I cannot give up. Too much depends on me. My responsibilities. I wish to know one thing : Why me?? I'm not special, my blood isn't gifted in any way. If you were here now, I know that you would be annoyed with me for thinking that way, but I can't help but wonder why. Why *I* was chosen. There are others better suited to my task! I know that you would say fine, but *I* was the one entrusted with my task, therefore, I would not dare fail. You would be right.

My muscles throb with the burn of activity, and I am sorely tempted to stop, there and then. Task be damned! It... is impossible... to breath now... my love....My ..... heart... belongs.... to....

Part three.

Pain. Anguish. Danger. Fear. Outcast. Regret. One leads to the other, which in turn, leads to the next, which leads to the next.... and... and... nothing.

I watch. I guard.

Your protector rests, young one. The exhaustion nearly finished the reserves of strength ensured from hours of training.

If only.

If only I were earlier. If only I had been there to aide your Protector. If only I was quicker. If only I was stronger. If only I had been able to prevent the pain. If only I had been able to stop the hurt inside. If only I had.... If only.

If only I had been there. To protect you both.

Your protector is never far from your reach, fast asleep. A faint white glow surrounds you both, as you rest.

There's a knock at the door. I glance up.

"Any change?" the newcomer asks.

I shake my head.

My heart is heavy.

The newcomer sighs, before leaving, closing the door quietly.

I vow to you both: I would give my life to protect you both. I would be the Will that protects you both from those who would harm you. Nothing would harm you, not while I still stood. I would not fall.

No amount of torture would make me reveal your secrets, confided on a cool, lonely night. I would die first.

Protector, you would never guess just how much of your love is returned. Your beloved returns your feelings, with a matching intensity and longing. Now if only you would see that...

But, for some strange reason, you both are blind to the other's longings, desires. For now, though, all I can do is wait, hope, and pray.

Hope and pray that you will be blessed with a second chance at life. At love. At happiness. At a life together. At exploring each other's pleasure points. At a chance to die together, whether it be from enemies, but preferably from old age. You both would laugh at my sentimentality.

But you are both my siblings, in this quest, and I cannot bear to see either of you suffer this way, needlessly.

The air grows chilly. Gooseflesh ripples up my arms, and I can see you both leaning to each other, in an attempt to get closer to the warmth that you would find in each other's arms.