Title: Love Lost: Love repairing

By Angela

ladybug74873@hotmail.com

Pairing: Brennan/Jesse

Episode Related: No Exit

Alternate Ending/Alternate Universe: AU

Rating: PG

Status: Complete

Series/Sequel: if you want any

Disclaimers: They aren't mine. Marvel Studios and the people associated with them do. I just borrow them and return them.

Summary: A look at Brennan as he deals with Jesse's death.

Warnings: Death of a major character.

Notes: Jesse is affected more by the gas than Brennan so I took it a bit farther by seeing how Brennan would deal with Jesse's death.


Love Lost: Love Repairing
By Angela

Let me not shed a tear. I have shed too many tears. I feel hollow inside. I feel like life is not worth it anymore. I feel nothing. I don't see the sunshine or the warmth. I am always cold inside. My heart is like stone. I have loved and lost. I don't feel up to doing that again. If I loved anyone else like I did Jesse I don't know what I would do.

He died because of a man bent on revenge. He died not knowing what it was like to grow old or have children. He died not knowing what his future would have been. He was my future. I was his. We had plans and they were struck down in an instance.

I watched as Jesse died in my arms. I couldn't help him. Anything that I could have done wouldn't have helped him. The poison gas was just too much for Jesse. I hate Will Denton. I know I shouldn't but he took away someone who I loved and adored. He took away my life. I can no longer call Mutant X my family or home. I hated the fact that I had to leave Shalimar. I couldn't live in Sanctuary. I was and am afraid that I would see Jesse everywhere. That I couldn't take. There was too much of Jesse there. There are too many memories that I don't want to touch just yet. It would break my heart all over again. I couldn't take that. My heart shattered the minute Jesse lay in my arms not moving. I can still remember Shalimar's shouted no over our comm links. She had watched Jesse die. I had forgotten that they had found Denton and could watch over his monitor.

I can still hear her sobs. I can remember her as she grabbed Jesse out of my arms. But the worst was the look on Lexa's face. I had never seen a look like that on her face in the short time that we had known her. I suppose we had not told her about the bonds that Shalimar, Jesse, and I had shared. I know we hadn't told her about Jesse and me. We couldn't bring ourselves to because we didn't know what her reaction might be. I can still remember the growls issuing forth from Shalimar as Lexa tried to take Jesse from her. I had to soothe her and take my beloved Jesse from her. She guarded us as I took him to the med lab. Of course the med lab was of no use to us. Lexa spoke of making arrangement for Jesse but neither Shalimar or I heard her.

I don't remember the funeral. I don't remember the new Mutant coming to Sanctuary. I don't remember much after the funeral home and Jesse's family took him away. All I do remember is that Jesse was no longer there. He wasn't holding me or there for comfort.

Sanctuary never sounded so quiet as it did after Jesse had died. I couldn't believe it. I would catch myself sometimes speaking to Jesse or listening for his laughter. I hurt even more when I would look at Shalimar. She was his "sister." She would haunt Sanctuary like I would. I would go to Jesse's beloved computer thinking that he would be there. When I would realize he wouldn't ever be there again I would drop to my knees and cry out my grief even more. Shalimar would be right there with me when that would happen. I know that Shalimar should have been a comfort to me but she wasn't. Anything she did would make it that much more hard to realize that Jesse wasn't there. I didn't want to face that reality. I didn't want to face an empty life without Jesse. Jesse was my rock. He was the light at the end of a very dark tunnel that I was running through. Now I can't see that light anymore. It was taken away from me because of a vengeful man. A stupid one. Will Denton blamed us for all of his wrongs when it was his fault. He would never realize that.

I sit here with what I have taken with me. I know it's not much but its something. I won't go back to my life before Mutant X. I'll find something that will keep me from remembering Jesse and our life together. Right now I don't want to remember. I don't want to see his smile and sparkling blue eyes. I don't want to hear through my memories his jokes or talks about anything. Right now I want to forget. I want to forget seeing Jesse die before my eyes. I want to forget the first time that we had said I love you to each other. We always showed each other our love. We knew that we didn't have to say it. But sometimes it is nice to hear it. I want to forget that we had worked together to save Sanctuary and Mutant X. I want to forget. I don't to forget Jesse. I want to forget his death and pretend he is alive. I look around the small space a friend has put me up in. He and his girlfriend understand. They had heard about Jesse. They knew to leave me alone with my grief and went not to leave me alone. I went through the motions of living for what seemed like weeks until something happened to remind me that I needed to live. I got a frantic call from Lexa. Something had happened to Shalimar on a mission and I was needed. I didn't know if I could go back to Sanctuary. There were too many memories. Chad told me I should go. It was my family needing me. He was right. I couldn't really desert my family.

I still haunt the halls of Sanctuary but not because of looking for Jesse. It took me a long time to realize that Jesse would not want me to die just because he wasn't there. I have to leave. One of our plans had worked out. A few months ago I had a baby delivered to me. I'll live for little piece of Jesse. I'll tell him about his father. Jesse would have loved this little boy. I do.

I stand before Jesse's grave with Delane in my arms. I am saying a good bye to Jesse. One I should have done at his funeral but couldn't.

"I love you, Jesse. I miss you. I'll live for you and Delane. I'll be home someday so that we can be together."

I had tears in my eyes as I turned towards my family. Shalimar reached for the baby and I let her have him. I put my arm around her and we walked away from Jesse's grave. I now know in my heart that Jesse's love will help me live and grow in my life.

I hope that maybe someday that I will be able to love again.



The end.