Title: The Journey Back

Author: Terri

Sequel to: Locked in a Cycle

Summary: Jesse's on a downward cycle, can he stop it, or will it take someone else to intervene?

Warning: I understand that some people were disturbed by the last story, so just to warn there's more of the same here. The end's not as bleak though. And again, this version of Jesse may not fit with how some people see him. I can personally justify him this way, but if you don't like Jesse bad, don't read.

Authors Notes: Thanks for everyone that wanted more. You've made me a very happy slasher this weekend.

The Journey Back
by Terri
*******

Reaching for the box of tissues on the bedside table, Jesse gently wiped the blood from Brennan's lips -- tiny droplets that had spilt when Brennan had bit his bottom lip -- desperate to stop a scream. Keeping up a soothing stream of words Jesse also brushed the tears from Brennan's face, the sweat from his brow. Then leant forward to tenderly kiss him on the lips. Jesse loved him so much it hurt sometimes, and he knew that Brennan loved him too. Knew from the little things that he did, made coffee, ran his baths, the way that they'd go dancing and on jobs together. Brennan was everything that he wanted him to be, attentive, loving, attuned to his every need. No way would he ever hurt him again like he'd done so many weeks before, Jesse had seen to that.

The prison was a time they didn't think about -- talk about -- anymore, it wasn't needed. Brennan had paid in so many ways, had been shown how wrong his actions were, and now he'd never think about acting like that again. Jesse had won -- in everyway. Brennan was his, body and soul, and the power of having someone defer to him was incredible. Especially Brennan, who looked so strong, so secure in himself, yet
as soon as he stepped into their bedroom would become so submissive.

Out of that room Brennan may have been a leader, second in command. In it he was Jesse's, totally and utterly, nothing that Jesse did to him was wrong, no word he said too harsh, no action too painful. It was the ultimate power trip, and Jesse was enjoying every second of it. At least most of the time he did. Other times he would sit and wonder when and how he'd turned into such a monster, getting off on hurting the person he loved most.

Away from their room he'd gasp in horror when he thought of what he'd done, was continuing to do. Would feel his breath hitch when he saw how Brennan's front slipped when he thought he was alone. How the elemental would curl up in one of the chairs in the living area, tucking his legs and arms in close, pillow against his chest. A big man looking small, lost, alone, caught in a nightmare of guilt that he couldn't get rid off. How could he when Jesse would tell him his faults every night, reminding him of what he'd done, what he couldn't ever do again?

Yet hearing a footstep Brennan would uncurl, becoming 'normal' again, smiling, laughing, teasing Shalimar and Emma, getting on Adam's case, questioning his actions. But never crossing the line, the line that Jesse had drawn, the line that Brennan knew he'd be punished for if he crossed it. No matter that he was unsure of just where that line was.

Brennan fought as normal, sparred with the others, chased new mutants, flew the Helix. No one seemed to notice that he had a new wardrobe of thick sweatshirts that covered him from his neck down, or noticed how he sometimes walked unsteadily, cradling his arms to his chest. He was an ex thief, getting into the medicine cabinets for strong painkillers was childs play. No one noticed -- except Jesse. Who saw it all and hated himself, vowing to change, stop what he was doing, break the never-ending cycle of abuse. They were determined words, and at the time Jesse meant every one. But despite knowing what pain Brennan was going through, as soon as he walked into their room, saw Brennan sitting white faced and ashamed on their bed, the words slipped his mind. The almighty grip of power taking over.

After, Jesse hated his lack of control, hated how he gave in to his dark side, hated standing at the doorway of their bathroom watching as Brennan vomited into the toilet, body black with bruises, drowning in his own perceived guilt. But most of all Jesse hated how Brennan would clean himself up, swallow his painkillers, then crawl back into bed, patting the space next to him. Needing Jesse to lie next to him, to cuddle up, indulge in gentle kisses across split lips. That Brennan loved him astounded Jesse, that he would want him so close after what he did to him night after night shamed him. In the dark Jesse would lie awake, listening to Brennan's raspy breathing, stroking his wrist, almost black with bruising, vowing next time would be different. But it never was, for every vow that he made, they would be broken. Leaving Jesse scared, for himself and Brennan, knowing the day was coming when his desire for power would go too far. Because he knew Brennan would never fight back, not now. And he knew that he could never stop, not on his own. It was like a runaway train, heading for disaster, and there wasn't a thing that he could do to stop it.

Sometimes Jesse would sit and wonder why no one could see what was going on. Why no one could see beyond the surface show that Brennan was putting on. They lived shoulder to shoulder with three other
people, one who had enhanced senses, another a psionic. Yet none seemed to notice what was going on. It was like they were missing the badness invading Sanctuary, missing what was happening in their own homes due to only looking for evil on a wider scale. Who would think to look at their own backyard, while concentrating on goons that wanted to create havoc on a large scale?

Even so, Jesse thought they'd see something, hear something, sense something. Be it Brennan's muffled groans as Jesse pressed his hand down on his mouth as he fucked him hard, the smell of blood and vomit
or the way both Brennan and Jesse acted in public. Surely both of their acts couldn't be that good? That they could fool those that lived so close, that no one saw how Jesse swung from guilt, grief and rage, and Brennan with his too bright smile and empty eyes. Surely they knew that Jesse didn't used to bite his fingernails? Nibbled down to the quick as he tried to control shaken nerves as his control slipped. How could they believe that Brennan, so fluid and graceful of movement could be so clumsy that he kept walking into doors, or caught by a fist while sparring with Jesse.

All Jesse could believe was it was true that people only saw what they wanted to see, and he despaired at anyone ever noticing, ending the nightmare. But even the most oblivious person couldn't ignore everything.

It was the night after a mission; once again Adam had chosen Brennan as leader, telling him to take charge as they infiltrated a government building. The mission went without a hitch, bad guys caught, potentially lethal drugs destroyed by a blast from Brennan. Yet all Jesse could do was simmer, watching as Brennan was praised. It was too much, injustice reared it's ugly head again, and Jesse wanted nothing more than to run from Sanctuary, knowing that tonight was going to be bad, not wanting to be near Brennan. But how could he? It was late, and running away would take too much explaining, and as Adam walked with them back to their room, Jesse caught the slight tremors in Brennan's hands, and the sight seemed to drive the injustice away. Brennan may have been number one today, but tonight, the only winner would be Jesse, and they both knew it.

Later, sitting cold and shaking in the med area, Jesse felt nothing but disgust with himself as he watched Adam repair the damage to Brennan's face, heal the breaks in his cheekbone and nose. Brennan was silent, cold, aloft, refusing to let Adam look at anything but his face, saying he'd fallen out of bed, landing on his face. That he'd been tired and clumsy after a long day, coolly covering for Jesse with blatant lies. Lies hiding how Jesse had semi massed his hand, backhanding him across the face when he'd pleaded for him not to hurt him so bad. To stop doing that, he'd do anything Jesse wanted, he didn't have to take what was being offered anyway.

Immediately Jesse knew he'd gone too far as blood gushed, and he helped Brennan from the bed, intent on getting help. Only stopping when Brennan wanted him to help put a sweatshirt on, covering for him as normal. Comming Adam, Jesse had seen the disbelief in his eyes when Brennan explained what had happened, had to look away when Adam cast a look in his direction. But despite questioning, Brennan's story remained the same, it was an accident, and that was that. But it didn't stop the assessing looks Adam gave, as he watched them both. Saying nothing, but the suspicion was there, surely the others would see soon enough -- and they did.

It was days later that Jesse had realised that Emma was looking at him strangely, staring as if he was something she couldn't work out. Then her gaze would go to Brennan as he lounged against a computer
desk, laughing at something Shalimar had said. Brennan looked happy, looked normal -- but not to Jesse, who saw the overlaid outline of the man who had sat on their bed cursing as he pulled yet another thick sweatshirt over his bruised arms this morning.

In that moment Jesse knew the end was in sight, as Emma stared from Brennan to him, frowning, pain then disbelief flitting across her face. Not that she said anything then, just walking away, pale faced in the direction of Brennan, pulling him to the sofa. Wishing he had Shalimar's hearing, Jesse watched as Emma talked to Brennan, the two close together, Emma holding onto Brennan's hand. But in reality Jesse didn't need to hear what was being said, he'd knew as soon as he'd seen the disgust in Emma's eyes as she looked at him. The nightmare was coming to an end at last. Knowing Brennan as well as he did, Jesse knew he'd be stonewalling Emma's questions, and that couldn't happen. Gathering every bit of courage that he processed, Jesse moved to the couple, leaned over and whispered in Brennan's ear, 'I love you so much, tell her, everything.' Then with a kiss to the top of his head had moved away, back to his perch on the steps, knowing within minutes it would be over. The cycle broken, not with an explosive bang, but a young woman who finally allowed herself to examine what her mind had been telling her for days. Pushing past the disbelief to see things as they really were, and for that Jesse was thankful. Thankful despite Shalimar hissing at him as if he was her mortal enemy, and Emma, not even acknowledging him as she led Brennan to the med lab, gently stopping him from going to Jesse as he sat numb on the dajo stairs.

If he was honest, that was the worst, as every wrong thing that he'd done came crashing down. Sitting for hours Jesse thought, about Brennan, his life, Mutant X, his friends and lovers. Those that had done him wrong, those that stood by him, then lastly, the most important thing, his relationship with Brennan. If they even had a relationship now. Something that seemed unlikely when Jesse saw Shalimar begin to take Brennan's clothes from their room, putting them into the one adjoining Adam's. It looked like the need for power had destroyed everything that Jesse loved. But in the end that was good, because Brennan was alive, and would stay alive, even if he wasn't in Jesse's arms. It was a relief most of all, a relief all the sweeter when Adam sat next to him on the steps. Telling him how disappointed he was, not just with Jesse but them all for not seeing how much he was hurting. That he'd have to agree to attend counselling sessions with Adam and that Brennan would be sleeping in a new room. One which Jesse could never enter until Adam said he could.

After agreeing, Jesse could hardly speak when Adam told him that Brennan was asking for him, that he could go and see him. Within seconds he was running down the steps, ignoring the glare of Emma as he went to Brennan, sitting on an examination table, long legs swinging as he watched the door.

Noticing Jesse, he smiled, maybe not as bright as the pretend smile of late, but a smile none the less. Seeing it, Jesse knew how lucky he was, as he reached for Brennan, the two men clinging together. Held so securely, Jesse knew that the way ahead was long and bumpy. He'd seen his dark side and been ruled by it, if they were to ever become a full time couple again, Jesse knew he'd have to accept and learn to control that side of him. As well as airing other things that caused pain. It was the only way, and he'd take it, however hard the journey.

END