Title: Without Him

Author: Angela

Fandom: Mutant X

Episode Related: Into the Moonless Night

Pairing: Brennan/Jesse

Rating: PG

Status: Complete

Archive: WWomb, Terri’s site

Feedback: Yes

Series/Sequel: if you want any

Disclaimers: They aren’t mine. Marvel Studios and the people associated


Summary: Jesse has to face living without Brennan when Brennan leaves Mutant X in frustration.

Warnings: none

Notes: This happens during the season premier (Into the Moonless Night) of Mutant X. Brennan leaves in frustration because of Lexa. I took it a bit farther. What if Brennan left and never came back? What would they do? I wanted to make it after the first episode. So this is AU.


Without Him
by Angela

In frustration he left. In that same frustration I started to die. I died the minute that Brennan Mulwray left Sanctuary and my life. He told Shalimar he wouldn’t leave either one of us. Something happened. His frustration took over and never let go. My heartbreak took hold and never let go. I never wanted him to leave. I never wanted to feel like my heart was ripped out of my chest just because he left. The one person that I loved beyond Mutant X and life. The one person who loved me just as much.

I walk towards the computers so that I can pop open the folders that hold pictures of my life with Brennan. That’s all I have now of Brennan. I have pictures of happier times before Lexa. Before she came to Sanctuary and Mutant X. Neither Shalimar nor I trust her. I am beginning to wonder if the newest member of Mutant X trusts her. I don’t talk to him much. It’s not that I don’t like him. He’s not Brennan. He is not my strength, passion, joy, and love.

I hear Shalimar nearby and turn to look at her. I remember that day clearly when she came to me and told me that Brennan had left Mutant X.

Brennan had left in a huff and frustration with a few words from Shalimar about not giving up on either one of us. He assured her and left. I patiently waited for Brennan to come back. I got worried when he didn’t show by the next morning. That was not like my beloved. Brennan always checked in with us unless there was some extreme reason why. I started to pace around my computer area while Shalimar growled anytime Lexa would come near her. Shal blamed Lexa for Brennan running out. I really couldn’t blame him. It had been frustrating losing two team members and gaining one that you don’t entirely trust.

I started to comm Brennan when Shalimar shook her head and said that she wanted to take a look before I started any looking on the computers. By the second night there was still no sign of Brennan and we were getting even more worried. Lexa for once in the brief time that we knew her was getting worried. She even suggested that we take the Double Helix out and scan for him. We had no luck. Then came Shalimar forbidding me to go on anymore searches. She said that Lexa could go. They searched and still no Brennan. We had thought that Eckhart had taken him. Both women decided that wasn’t an avenue that wasn’t going to be taken. Eckhart denied taking Brennan. I believed him. Why I could never guess.

I sat for many hours just staring at my computer trying to will it to pick up on Brennan and then after all our efforts Shalimar came to me when I had left my computers. I had taken a little break away from my monitoring of the girls to go lay down on mine and Brennan’s bed when Shalimar showed up in the doorway. I knew what she was going to say. I backed away from her so that I wouldn’t hear it. I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to hear that my beautiful Brennan was lost to me forever. Shalimar came after me. She gave me a slight smile and then let the words flow. The words that destroyed my world.

“Jesse, we can’t find him. Brennan’s disappeared. He is nowhere to be found. It’s like he never existed. We found his comm ring. It didn’t look like it had been taken from him. He must have taken it off. But, Jess I can’t see him just leaving you. He’ll be back. I know he will.”

She reached for me and I shrank back from her even more. Her words didn’t help me. They didn’t help soothe my wounded and broken heart. They didn’t help me get over Brennan just leaving. I cried out my grief with Shalimar standing guard over me. She didn’t leave me for an instance. She did at one time tell me that Lexa found another Elemental to join Mutant X. I could have cared less. It wasn’t like he was Brennan.

Shalimar’s words always seemed hollow to me. I know she was trying to reassure me. She was trying to give me hope. Maybe even keeping the hope alive for herself. We had lived through both Emma and Adam and now we had to live through Brennan leaving.

It’s been several months and still no sign of Brennan. Shalimar looks and asks old and new friends if they have seen Brennan. I think she has even asked some of Brennan’s friends during his criminal activities. They haven’t even heard from him.

I still from time to time look at pictures of Brennan and our family. At first it was hard to look at all the images and see how happy we were. I would cry for what would seem like hours even though it was only a few minutes. Shalimar would always come to me then. She was so attuned to my needs I never felt like I was alone in my grief. Slade, the new Elemental, tried to make it easy for me to approach him. I think that Shalimar told him about me and Brennan. I have gone to him just to sit and be with someone for a little while. And then I am standing right back over that black abyss that has swallowed up Brennan and the one that I want to swallow me. But I can’t let that happen. I have to be here for Shalimar. I can’t let her go through losing anymore of her loved ones.

It hurts me even more to see Shalimar haunt Sanctuary sometimes. It’s like she is looking for Brennan or wanting to see him walk down our home’s halls with a book in his hand or a ready smile. But it won’t happen. I know how close she and Brennan were. They loved each other but it wasn’t like the love me and Brennan had for each other.

I get up and walk towards that oh so empty bedroom. I moved out of the bedroom I shared with Brennan. I couldn’t bear to clean this room. I couldn’t see removing all of Brennan’s stuff if he was coming back. It had been too long and Shalimar and I had been discussing packing up everything. I walked into the room and looked around. Sometimes I found comfort in here. It was like Brennan was still here. I pick up a picture that was taken of us. We were on a picnic with Shalimar and Emma. We were enjoying one of those rare days when we didn’t have to be Mutant X. Brennan had come up behind me and wrapped his arms around me. Shalimar snapped a picture and then she found someone to take a picture of all four of us. That was one of the last happy times that we four had together. I put that picture down and turned to another one that I had completely forgotten about. It was one that I had painted of both me and Brennan. I loved to paint and draw especially of Brennan.

I had painted a picture of Brennan while he was sleeping and in that picture I had put myself in there. I painted me as his guardian while he slept. I had never shown him anything that I had done until that day that Brennan had found this particular painting. He had loved it and asked me if there was anymore like this. I had nodded shyly at him. He had smiled that beautiful smile that could melt me and encouraged me to show him more. I did and he was so proud. He wanted me to display them. I shook my head no but I did tell him that I would show him anything I did. He took that and I was even the happier.

I looked further into the room. I opened the closet to reveal the clothes that Brennan left behind. All of them are dark colors. That was Brennan. I can’t remember a time when he didn’t get some dark color. He always told me it made him stand out in a world of light color. I smile remembering that conversation. We were at the mall. We had gone shopping and to have a day of fun. Packing up Brennan’s stuff would be admitting that he is truly gone. I didn’t want to have to make that admission just yet. I wanted to pretend that Brennan was coming home soon. I wanted to pretend that he was just on a long vacation and realize that he missed us.

I look at a very special picture that Brennan and I kept beside our bed. It was a picture taken about six months after we got together. The girls thought it would be nice that we have some sort of commitment ceremony. We agreed. Emma and Shalimar planned it and a few of the Mutants that we trusted and called friends were there for a big reception and the ceremony tself. Brennan and I were so happy. We couldn’t think of anyone else that we wanted to be with. When Brennan left I would look at this picture and cry out my grief even more. It has gotten a little easier but not that much to look at it.

I hear a rustle at the door but don’t look up. It’s probably Shalimar anyway. When I get restless and start to think about Brennan I come here. And she usually follows to make sure I am all right. I look up when strong arms go around me. I look up to see those dark brown eyes that always looked at me wit love and passion. I touched Brennan’s cheek for a moment to make sure he was real. I startled when I realized that it was just a vision. It wasn’t Brennan. I must have dozed off for a moment.

Slade stepped into the room when he had saw me go into it. He must have been concerned. I smile and will thank him later. I just need my alone time with Brennan even though he is not here. After a few more minutes I leave the room thinking that I need to get Shalimar to help pack up all of Brennan’s things.

I walk into the day area and see Shalimar and Slade talking. Shalimar senses me and looks up to give me a smile. Slade gestures for me to join them. Shalimar gives me a slight hug and starts to feed me of her plate. I chuckle and let her do it.

*

Later that night I go into that empty room again to say goodbye to Brennan. I have to face the fact that he is not coming back. I have to realize that I will never see him again to hold him, love him and grow old with him. I have to live. That’s what Brennan would want me to do. He would not want me to stop living. I sigh and light some candles. I lay down on that empty bed and look around. I look around one last time.

“Goodbye Brennan. I love you. Keep safe.” I whisper.

I get up from the bed feeling like a weight has lifted. It hasn’t completely lifted but it is lighter. I take one last look and leave the room. I don’t look back. I wouldn’t want that and neither would Brennan. I hope he is safe and happy wherever he is.


The end