The Real Truth About Cats And
Dogs: A Political Satire
By Mark Biggs
A little
Authors note: This story is truly meant for satiric purposes and does not
represent my views, whatever they are!
THE REAL TRUTH ABOUT
CATS AND DOGS: A POLITICAL SATIRE
By Mark Biggs
It was a typical day at the White House. The signs of fall were showing in this
"I did not have relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky," said the
President, the former govenor of
"Well, Mr. Donaldson," answered Bill, "there is a humble and
logical explanation for why i have said what i have said." Tears began to accumulate in Bill's eyes
as he again glanced into space. "I suffer from what is known as MPD, or
Multiple Personality Disorder." the reporters began talking at once as the ambassador and the
Secretary Of state again rolled their eyes in disgust and started talking
amongst themselves. "You see," said the President, "this all
started back several years ago, right after my marrage
to Hillary, as a matter of fact," he said as he gave an innocent look to
reporters, "it started with just meaningful glances at other women, and
before i knew it, people told me that i was hittin' on 'um like
crazy!" Bill then bowed his head, as in shame, and said, "but then it was just... well, i
don't know if i can talk about it."
At once, the reporters started firing questions one after the other. "Did
you have a psychiatrist report?" asked one. "Who was the doctor who
diagnosed this?" asked another, and "Are you
telling the truth?" asked another one.
Just then, a voice shouted from the background,
"I assure you that everything that he is telling you is the truth!"
That voice was the first lady, Hillary Rodham Clinton, who then appeared on
stage from the background, saying "My husband would not tell a lie!"
Bill then gave his wife a look of relief and then turned to the reporters and
gave them a look of confidence and satisfaction, while the ambassador and the
Secretary Of State gave a look of shock to it's
audience. "Well, thank you all for coming today," the President said
as he pointed to his press secretary, Mike Mccurry,
who had been hiding behind a curtain onstage, "and if their is any more
questions, my press secretary will be glad to answer them for you."
The group then walked offstage, with Bill and Hillary looking like the happy
couple that they portrayed in public, but backstage was a completley
different story. "Thanks for sticking up for me AGAIN, honey," Bill
said as marched into the Oval Office, with security and all. "Bill,
really! Multiple Personality Disorder?" Hillary
asked as she followed from behind.
"Now, Hil...," assured the
President as he went to hug the first Lady, "you know that i would never really do something like that to you, now
don't you?"
Hillary then backed up as she said, "Well, there
was that bachelor party back in 1978,
and that stag party in 1979, the GOP nomination party in 92, the election
party, the after election party, the..." she said as she went on.
"Ah yes," said the President as he thought to himself,
"I remember those QUITE well!"
Right at that moment, Bill's secretary Betty Curry entered the office, saying
that there was a phone call for Bill on the main line. right
as Bill started to go to the phone, Hillary rushed over to the desk and picked
up the reciever, "Hello!" Silence was haerd on the other end.
"Hello!" the First Lady again asked, only to
be answered with complete silence. "Look," she said, "who is
this?" All she heard was a big raspberry that was blown over the reciever end, after which the caller hung up. Hillary slammed down
the phone. "That was HER, wasn't it?" she angrily asked.
A chuckiling Bill, who had heard everything from
where he was standing, replied, "I dunno... maybe, maybe not."
But a seething Hillary was not about to drop this
subject. "Answer me, Bill! For everything that has been going on the past
couple of months, you can at least answer me this one question!"
Bill then managed to fake a serious look, knowing what she was about to
ask, and say, "Sure.".
Hillary then asked, "Do you, or do you not know
this woman?"
"I told you honey," Bill said, "I have
never met this Monica Lewinsky woman!"
Hillary seemed to be satisfied, saying a solemn
"Good!" as she hugged Bill.
Bill then broke off the hug and started walking over to his office closet.
"Honey, for what you have been through the past couple of months, I
thought I'd buy you a little present to kind of let
you know what i think about you."
At first, Hillary showed a look of overjoyment
as she went to open the package that Bill pulled out of the closet. "A present? For me?" she asked.
"Just for you!" he said.
Hillary then opened the package with a look of
confusion. But that look of confusion turned into a look of anger as she pulled
out what was in the box: a red beret!
Bill looked at Hillary and smiled.
beckhansen22@juno.com