On the Outside: Ex Nihilo

Disclaimer: See Part 1

Rating: R

Notes: This part is all Keller with a little side action thrown in...contemplating what happened with Toby. He's soul- searching...alot I promise there will be HML soon...just bear with me...I had to go through all the exposition, the boys insisted on getting their feelings in there... BEWARE: angst ahead. This is the companion piece to "On the Outside: Shattered"

On the Outside 3b: Ex Nihilo

By Jacki

The morning after Toby's visit Chris woke early; he hadn't slept much, his mind just would not rest. He spent the day doing meaningless tasks, running errands that had been long put off, doing
laundry, cleaning the apartment, anything that would keep him from having to think too much. The hours dragged by as he waited for night to fall. He was going back to work that night and he could think of nothing better to keep his thoughts at bay then watching the hot, sweaty bodies of dozens of men that he could have with no strings, no attachments, no sentiment.

Chris walked to the club, the cold night air biting into his skin. He savored the discomfort, able to focus his thoughts on something other than the words Toby had whispered.

"I think I love you."

Chris knew Toby couldn't have meant that; there was no way that someone like Toby could ever be a part of his life, it was just impossible.

Chris entered the club, stowing his coat in the staff room; he pulled his stool back to the front door, falling into the familiar action of checking ID's and collecting cover charges. He watched as men mingled and cruised; Chris saw a few of the men he had taken to bed. Chris saw them, strings of men he had fucked and he didn't even know most of their names. All they had been were bodies; warm bodies that had succumbed to his charms, bringing him a moment of pleasure. Chris had never wanted more, until now. But there was no use thinking about that, it was pointless.

Chris spent the rest of the night going through the motions; he did his job, chatted with some of the regulars. Then near closing time he noticed someone approaching him; Chris had seen him, none too subtly, watching him for most of the evening. Chris watched as the man moved closer; the sway of his hips in the tight black pants, the way he stared into his eyes, never faltering. Chris felt a familiar tightening on his crotch; this might be just what he needed to erase all memory of Toby. Chris smiled as the man sidled up next to him.

"I've been watching you," the man whispered, his lips brushing against Chris's ear.

"Oh, you have, have you?" Chris replied, turning to face the other man. The two men engaged in the time tested dance of the pick-up.

The other man moved in closer, his lips only inches from Chris. He crushed his mouth against Chris's pliable lips.

Pulling back, the man spoke, "Why don't we get out of here."

Chris was a little breathless when he answered. "Yeah, sounds good. Let's go." His shift was over; the two men gathered their coats and headed out the door into the brightly lit street.

"My name's..." the man started.

"It's not important," Chris replied gruffly. "My place is just down the street."

The man realized he had lost control of the situation, he was now just playing along in Chris's game. They walked quickly down the trash strewn sidewalk. Chris pulled the man along behind him through the outer door of his building and up the stairs. Pushing open the door to his apartment Chris dropped his coat and shut the door behind them. Turning to the other man, he immediately began to strip him.

Clothes were tossed haphazardly around the room as they stumbled toward the bedroom. The two men came together fiercely, their desire overriding any tenderness or thoughtfulness. The act was hurried, frenzied and Chris came quickly, grunting as he collapsed on top of the other man.

Chris rolled off of the other man; he stood up and walked toward the bathroom. In the doorway he looked over his shoulder to the man who still lay on his bed. The man had his eyes closed, smiling contentedly; at least one of them was satiated.

"Hey," Chris scowled as his trick slowly opened his eyes, blinking a few times to focus.

"Mmmm..." the man sighed.

"I'm gonna clean up. I don't expect to see you here when I get done." Chris pulled the door shut, he sat down on the decaying toilet seat listening as his trick threw every expletive in the book
at the closed door. He could hear the front door open and slam shut, the man was gone. Chris lowered his head into the palms of his hands; he could smell the lingering scent of the man's skin all over his hands.

Chris yanked the shower curtain back and stepped into the rust stained tub; he turned the water on full blast as he scrubbed the scent of the other man from his skin. Chris soaped his body
liberally, extinguishing any remnant of the heated encounter. The water poured over his body, sliding down his well-built frame, as it pooled around his feet. Chris needed to erase any reminders of what he had just done.

Turning the water off he stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his waist; he immediately returned to the bedroom, pulling the sex-soiled sheets from the bed and dumping them in a corner of the small room. Chris remade the bed with fresh sheets automatically before he sat down on the soft mattress.

`What the fuck is happening to me? Why did I kick him out?' his mind questioned, although Chris wasn't sure whether he meant tonight's trick or Toby. `Fuck!'

Chris slumped onto the bed. Nothing that had happened in the past two days made any sense to him. Chris felt completely empty, even the sex hadn't helped. His orgasm had come and gone, releasing the pressure, although it had done nothing to help fill the void he had known ever since Toby had run out the night before. With Toby, Chris had felt an intensity, a connection that he had never experienced with anyone and it scared him. Chris had nothing to compare it to, it was all new and different. That was what terrified him the most, the unknown.

Chris hauled himself further onto the bed, dropping his head onto the cool pillow. He closed his eyes; images rose unbidden behind the lids, he immersed himself in the fantasies that flickered through his mind. He watched the personal movie; he and Toby together, a couple. He allowed the illusion to go on for a few minutes, the tension that had settled within his body finally relinquishing its control. Shaking his head, he broke the peaceful reverie.

`Stop it...it can't happen. Toby could never be happy with someone like you. He's an upper middle class, college boy...probably had the perfect childhood. Why would he want to waste his life on someone like you?'

Chris's life hadn't exactly been the embodiment of fairytales and storybooks; sure, there had been good times, lots of them, especially before he had started high school. That was when it had all
changed. Chris's freshman year was the same year that his father had been laid off, indefinitely. Employers hadn't been clamoring for a 50 year old, no matter how much experience he had in the field. That first month dragged on, soon becoming three months and then six; his father had all but given up hope of ever finding another job he felt was worthy of his ability. Instead, he started spending most days warming a stool at the neighborhood bar. Family life, at that point, basically stopped.

Chris had known he was different from most of his friends for awhile, but until that year he had never acted on it. He rebelled; Chris experimented with anything he could get his hands on -- drugs, sex, nothing was sacred. That was how his father had found out that his only son was a `fag'; he had stumbled home one afternoon while Chris was supposed to be in school and instead found his son on the receiving end of a blow job, but the real shock came when his father saw that his partner was another boy. After that day, Chris couldn't remember how many times in those years his father had just turned away from him whenever he walked into a room, his eyes full of
contempt. Chris had heard his father call him a disgrace, not only to himself but to the entire family, so often he started to believe it. As soon as Chris graduated from high school he took the
opportunity to get away; he moved out, got the job at the club and had never looked back.

`How could I expect anyone to want to deal with all of that, especially someone like Toby? Shit, I don't even want to deal with it anymore.'

Chris squeezed his eyes shut, willing the memories of his past to retreat back into the recesses of his mind where he normally kept them safely hidden. He slowly drifted into a uneasy sleep, trying to keep thoughts of Toby from contributing to his insomnia.

Chris spent the next two days sleepwalking through his daily life; his mind, however, never rested. Chris had been unable to stop thinking and every thought ended with Toby and those five words he had whispered as they had lay sated, their bodies melded.

`What *if* those words had been spoken in truth? What *if* Toby really was willing to risk everything in his life to at least try?' This realization hit him unexpectedly, like a left hook to the gut.

When he had gotten home from the club, early Tuesday morning, he had crawled into bed, resigned to the fact that thoughts of Toby would again keep him awake. Chris had finally grasped the gravity of Toby's words; they would both be risking something if they took this chance. Maybe it was crazy, maybe he would be making the biggest mistake of his entire life; then again, maybe he would never feel that intense connection with anyone else. Chris decided then, no turning back, that if Toby was still willing to try, so was he. Chris knew that he would regret it if he didn't; he wasn't going to deny himself the opportunity to know the happiness that had been missing from his life for so long.

Chris had the next four days off for the Thanksgiving holiday; he had planned to sit at home, it wasn't as if his family had invited him to dinner. Instead of sitting around his empty apartment, staring at walls that threatened to close in on him, he could take a trip upstate. His parents still had a fishing cabin up there that had been paid off years ago. His father's pride had kept him from
selling even when money got tight; no one ever used it anymore. He would go there; it was a place where he had always felt safe, some of the best memories of his childhood were made in those very woods.

Chris knew that getting away from the hustle and bustle lifestyle of the city would be perfect; he needed to get away from everything if he was going to figure out how to approach Toby, to find out whether he was still interested. Chris was determined to discover a way to fix the situation; to apologize for acting like an asshole.

The decision made, Chris knew he wasn't going to get any sleep. He stood up next to the bed and grabbed his army bag from the floor beside the nighttable. Chris tossed it onto the bed and padded
toward the bathroom. He stopped for a second before he opened the medicine chest; Chris looked at the reflection that stared back at him from the fissured glass. It was an expression he hadn't seen in a long time.

Chris was smiling.

-TO BE CONTINUED-