Title: Thinking, not sleeping Little Obsessions series

Author: MJ Gage

Date: Feb. 16, 2000

Disclaimer: Wow, I wish I was as talented as the creators of these wonderful characters. Namely, Tom Fontana, Barry Levinson, & Rysher Entertainment. But I'm not so I just have to say, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm doing this out of love for the show and don't plan on making any money from this little venture.

Feedback: I will take @: MJG@sleepmail.org. I don't care what you say, it's just nice to know somebody is reading this stuff.

Summery: O'Reily/ Murphy series Murphy's at home trying to deal with the new developement in his life.

Rating: Nothing really happens, it's all in dream and memory at this point. M/M, sex, violence, I'm going to go with a NC-17. Just in case. Major big thank yous to my Beta. I could do this with out you Dulce.



LITTLE OBSESSIONS: Thinking, not sleeping
By MJ Gage

The repeated jaunts around his apartment weren't doing a thing for him. After the midnight run, he was still wired. Good thing Mrs. Millgilvare downstairs was almost deaf. He was sure any other neighbor would have complained; he had been at this for hours. He paced from bedroom to living room to the den, a quick trip trough the kitchen and back to the bedroom. What the fuck was he doing?

He kissed a con. Not just any con, one of the most dangerous under his care. Under his care, Ha! As if Ryan O'Reily had ever needed anyone to take care of him. The man definitely hoodwinked his parents into conceiving him. Sean stopped in the middle of the hall. Opposite a picture of the five Murphy boys. All smiling and lined up according to age. The picture was twenty years old. Taken on a warm sunny day, back when they were all alive. Back when he had two older brothers.

Sean stared at Ryan. It wasn't just the name. O'Reily looked nothing like his blond older brother. They shared the same fire. Both of them burned with life. An incandescence so bright he could not live without it. He looked at the picture, recalling the afternoon. His brother's arm slung across his shoulders holding him tight. He remembered fighting the need to curl into the implied comfort. Ryan was starting his twenty-five year sentence at the end of the week.

Back then Ryan was the only member of the family that knew. Sean didn't think his traditional Irish Catholic family was ready to learn they harbored a homosexual in their mist. What was it his father always said, "dirty little faggots"? He didn't have to tell Ryan. Ryan knew. After sharing a room for twenty years and an apartment for five, the brothers were the keepers of each other's secrets. There were too many secrets.

He thought about the night he learned about his brother's covert life. Sean unsuspectingly walked in the back door, still drunk from his first kiss. Before he crossed the dirt room into the light of the kitchen, his brother materialized from nowhere - tackling Sean and biting him. Biting hard enough to draw blood. Ryan bit him. He hadn't done that since they were toddlers. Ryan stopped Sean's howls of protest with a smirk and quickly whispered advice. "Next time, make sure he leaves all the hickeys below your collar line, little brother."

Lost in the memory, he slid down the wall to the floor. Mother always made the attacker clean up and bandage his or her victim. After both received a long lecture about why you never hit your brothers or sisters. Your family was the most important thing in your life. You had to stand by them unquestioningly. In the end, they were the only ones you could count on. The bite saved him from the harsh judgements that sent Sean into exile just over ten years later.

Cleaning him up and trying to find a band aid large enough to conceal the telltale mark, Ryan explained why you had to hide some things from your family. He warned Sean to stay away from jerks like Larry Bract. No matter how good looking, they would only get him into trouble. "Stick with the Irish, kid. We'll never turn on each other as long as there's somebody else around to fight."

That night he laid in his bed, shaking with fear and trying to hide his sobs from his ever-alert older brother. He never had to hide anything from his family before. What was Ryan going to say? What was Ryan going to tell them? What was Ryan going to do to him? Sean worshiped his older brother and did not think he could stand his disapproval. What was he going to do about Larry? Sean was sure he was in love with the senior varsity football hero. Larry was perfect, he could have had any girl in the school. Then he suddenly started paying attention to his freshmen teammate. Maybe Ryan was right.

Perfect, he screwed up his whole life, the day before his fifteenth birthday. His sobs intensified and he buried his head under the pillow. He was waiting for Ryan to yell at him and tell Sean to stop being a sissy. For the second time that night Ryan surprised him and did something he hadn't done since they were little. He climbed up to Sean's bunk and pulled his younger brother into his arms. Rocking him and soothing him until the tears slowed and his breathing returned to normal. "Hey Squirt, don't worry. I'll make sure Larry Bract knows what happens when he tries to fuck with the Murphys."

Sean burrowed into Ryan's shoulder and laughed at the old nickname. Less then a year between them, Sean was taller than his older brother almost since birth. Ryan shifted back toward the wall until he could see his brother's face. "Hey, nobody gets to beat up on you except me." He touched Sean's neck right above the bandage. "And nobody better bite you except me."

Sean could feel the tears returning. He retreated into his brother's embrace. "What's going to happen? Are you going to tell? Is Dad going to kill me? Am I going to have to leave school?"

Ryan started rocking him again, "Don't worry Squirt. I'll keep your secrets as long as you keep mine."

Sean looked up at his older brother, "Secrets?"

Ryan told him. Everything. About the drugs, the dangerous men he worked for, and about the dealing. Sean was very scared for his brother. Ryan was so small and fragile. He always wondered why everyone at school feared Ryan. Sean thought it was the violent and unpredictable Murphy temper that insured regular meetings with authority for the whole clan. He thought it was the illegal switchblade Ryan insisted on carrying with him everywhere. He never thought people feared his brother because he was a junior criminal.

Sean wondered what their lives would be like. Ryan told Him that he needed to stay out of trouble. "You want to draw as little attention to yourself as possible, bro. The less trouble you get into, the fewer people are going to be looking at how you live. Stay low for a few years. When we move out and get our own place, you can let boyfriends cover your body in hickeys. Until then, let me be the trouble maker and you play Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes."

It worked. Ryan made sure Sean survived high school with no more near misses. He made sure his brother worked hard enough to get a scholarship to a small in-state college. He pushed Sean into boxing to channel his temper, keep him out of trouble, and most importantly, to show everyone his quiet brother was a tough fighter. In a devoted family, the pair created an inseparable bond. Ryan's career advanced in direct proportion to the intensity of the siblings' mutual support.

They moved out of their parents' home immediately after graduation. Sean was well on his way to a career in corrections management. Ryan was immersed in the career that landed him in the maximum-security prison less then a week after the photograph. The same prison his brother worked in. The same prison Ryan would die in saving Sean's life. Sean swore he would never let his guard down around prisoners again. He would never get close to another prisoner. He would never let work devastate his life again.

What the fuck was he doing with Ryan O'Reily? From the very first moment he saw him, O'Reily started breaking all his rules. It was more than the name. O'Reily had all of Ryan's bad habits and the same beautiful smile. Just like Ryan he knew how to manipulate people to get whatever he wanted. Sean knew he was in trouble when he caught himself searching for and admiring the ways O'Reily was different from his brother.

One quality O'Reily displayed that Sean never noticed in his brother was concentrated sexual magnetism. Sean admitted to himself that was the first thing he noticed about the rogue Irishman. If Ryan opened his eyes, he would realize the line of willing partners spread across two thirds of the prison population. Starting with Simon Adebisi. Sean snorted and shook his head. He could not figure out why Ryan chose him over the god-like African. Whoa boys, get a hold of yourself there. Simon might look like Larry Bract, but he also shared the same evil temperament. Along with the additional hobby of decapitating law enforcement officials. Stay far away from those thoughts.

What was he going to do about O'Reily? He had to admit something was going to happen. The unrestrained rest room encounter convinced him the easily misinterpreted looks and comments were not his imagination. The electric was connected at both ends. This situation could get him into big trouble. Who was he kidding? O'Reily already had enough material to ruin him. The kid didn't know the power he had over Sean. That was the way Sean wanted to keep it. His brother told him, "Always stay in control. You can't afford to lose any power."

Sean pressed his head back into the wall and his hands to his eyes. His brother's voice clear in his ears. Seventeen years dead and it still hurt. Ryan was right. He could afford to let O'Reily think he held the upper hand. If this continued, Sean had to dictate every step in the process. Force O'Reily to pursue it. Let Ryan believe he craved Sean's touch more than Sean desired his. He would survive this dance by taking the lead. He glanced at his hall clock. Only one hour before he had to return to the wonderful world of Oz. Maybe he would sleep tomorrow.

~~~~

Returning home after his weekly get-together with some of the other officers at the nearby bar, Sean was exhausted. Too little sleep and he couldn't get his mind off the afternoon tryst with O'Reily. He almost lost it. Saved by Cyril O'Reily. Cyril never there, but always present. He bracketed every encounter with Ryan. Sean had to stop thinking. He decided to give up and go straight to bed.

Sean was cognizant enough to be thankful the Ryan occupying his thoughts was not the Ryan sharing his dreams. While he was at it, he was going to dream a softer bed. His back was killing him. They were camping. Up north by Bear Mountain. Just him and the O'Reily brothers. Even in dreams, Cyril was a constant presence. It was late; they were sitting by a fire. Cyril was roasting marshmallows. Ryan, wearing his beautiful smile, was smoking. Sean kept feeding the fire, nothing was working. He was trying to replace the dying logs and they weren't catching. Everything was damp and would not burn. In frustration, he threw handfuls of leaves on the perishing flames.

The smoke engulfed Sean and he was lost. He was cold, uncomfortable, and alone. He wanted to go back to the soft warmth of his companions. He started to search for them, but the smoke was getting thicker and he couldn't see what was right in front of his face. Sean was on the verge of panic. Where was Ryan? Who was going to take care of Cyril? What would he do if he lost his big brother? Suddenly, strong arms encircled him, "Don't worry Sparky. I told you, I wouldn't let anything bad happen to you." Sean turned into the embrace, not sure which Ryan he'd see. The trickster grinned at him. "Come back. It's better if I keep the fire. You can take care of everything else."

Ryan took his hand and led him to a fire pit that flared with life as they approached. He looked around, something was missing. "Where's Cyril?"

"I sent him to bed." Ryan's husky voice tickled Sean's ear. "He doesn't need to see this."

He pulled Sean down by the fire and kissed him. Ryan kissed with the same hungry passion he pursued survival. His lips did not meet Sean's so much as suck them in. He drew the older man to him, surrounding his body. Ryan was trying to engulf Sean. "I want you inside of me."

Sean looked at green eyes penetrating his essence. "Why?"

"I need you in my soul. You remind me what it's like to live." Ryan brushed his forehead along Sean shoulder. His soft hair teased Sean's neck. "Please?"

Everything Sean desired and he wasn't sure if he could take it. Ryan was a strong presence wrapped around his body. His kisses tasted of smoke and dangerous forbidden sex. Sean shifted until Ryan was in his arms, his hands slithering under Sean's clothes.

He stopped Ryan and looked at him. Ryan's face was flushed with the heat of two fires. His lips moist and eyes smoky, Ryan was ready and hungry. Everything Sean needed.

Did he want to allow O'Reily to make him a part of his soul? Was Ryan's core a place Sean could withstand? He remembered the look on Gloria Nathan's face every time O'Reily was mentioned. No, that soul was not place he wanted to reside in. "Ryan, I can't give you what you want."

"Just kiss me."

O'Reily was never a man to depend on others. He bit Sean on the neck, right above his collar. Sean gasped, "Only Ryan's allowed to bite me there."

"I am Ryan."

He looked at the man in his arms. Long, lean, and strong. Dancing green eyes and a desperate need his brother never had. "No, you are not Ryan."

Sean woke up in pain. He missed his brother like a lost limb. He was fucked. What was he going to do? He needed to talk to Ryan and he was dead. There was no one he could talk to about this. Everyone would try to talk him out of it and that wasn't what he wanted to hear. He was so fucked. Sleep was a distant memory. Sean reached under his bed and grabbed his running shoes. Another night spent thinking, not sleeping.



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