Title: To Take Arms Against A Sea Of Troubles I

Author: MJ Gage

Fandom: HBO' original series Oz

Pairing: Miguel Alvarez & Ryan O'Reily

Rating: NC-17

Status: Chapter 1 (1 of 3)

Archive: PEJA for the WWOMB and Shug for EmCity.

Series/Sequel: This is part one of my "To Take Arms Against a Sea of Troubles" Chaper I

Summary: Set in a mythic fourth season of Oz. Alvarez was placed in the Psyc. ward after his dramatic redecorating at the end of season three. O'Reily is the only person he talks to.

To Take Arms Against a Sea of Troubles

by MJ

To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
HAMLET Act 3, Scene 1

I'm always dreaming about being out, being with other people. Not out in the real world, just back in Em City. The bigger your dreams, the more they hurt. I watch everyone in this place. I still watch them, but it’s harder from inside a padded cell. You don’t see as many people and it's harder to think. Out in Oz, I test people all the time. I touch them. Nobody touches in here. Not the staff cause we’re scum and they're real people. I can understand that. We have to take care of ourselves. The only time men in prison think it’s all right to touch one another is violence or sex. I scope them out and find the ones that want to pretend we’re human. I brush up against them, very light or tap them to get their attention. I test to see if they remember. Remember what it’s like to be human. Most of them don’t. Some of them like the Aryans won't even let you near them. Some like Keller or Adebisi think you want sex or to fight. I just want someone to remember I’m alive. Someone to let me pretend I’m human for a while.

The Irish are always my best bet. I watch them. They touch when they talk, so they’re used to it. I test them all, even the C.O. Murphy. None of them flinched, hit me or moved away. If I don’t do it too often I can get away with it. Sometimes they’ll even touch back. The O’Reily’s are the best. They're all over each other. Cyril’s really a kid, so he needs a lot of reassurance. Ryan may talk mean, but he’s always gentle with Cyril. I bet I could get a hug from Cyril. Definitely could get one from his brother; if I was still out there, if I could still work on him. Ryan was the best. He never minded when I touched him. He even started leaning into the touches and touching me back. I think he misses being human. One time when I first got out of solitary; he followed me up the stairs and kept his hand on my back the whole way. It was a nice thing to do, let me know I was out and not dreaming. I’m thinking about this when he walks into my little padded cell. I don’t know what to do or if he’s even real so I say, "Hey O’Reily." The best hallucinations talk to you. I think he may be real. He’s carrying a food tray.

"Hey Alvarez."

That’s a good sign. Ghosts have a lot to say. O’Reily goes on and on. So maybe that’s a bad sign. "Are you real?"

"Yeah, why would you be dreaming about me?"

I won't fall into that trap. If he’s going to take me with him, he’ll have to work harder. "I was just thinking about you."

"What were you thinking?"

"When people come to me and they aren’t real. They tell me things. They don’t need to ask questions."

"I’m real. Here look, this food is real. Taste it."

I remember hearing O’Reily killed that guy by feeding him ground glass. I want to die, but not that way. It takes too long. Maybe he’s going to poison me. Nah, O’Reily isn’t that nice. "You taste it."

"Look, I’m not trying to hurt you. Besides, if I tasted it it would just be a dream eating pretend food. What can I do to prove I’m real?"

That’s easy. "Touch me." The ghosts never touch me, they just talk.

He gets down and sits next to me on the floor. I know he’s real; he starts taking off the straight jacket. No one's, ghost or real, done that in five days. It’s so good I could kiss him. I do. You can get away with anything when everyone thinks you’re crazy. He puts the tray in front of me and hands me these pills. I reach for them, but my arms don’t work so well. The straight jacket made them go numb.

"This is why I’m here. Sister Pete and Dr. Nathan wanted to make sure you got your medication. You’re supposed to eat when you take them or they won’t work."

"Gloria."

"Gloria?"

"You call her Gloria, not Dr. Nathan."

"Yeah, but you don’t. Miguel you have to take the pills and eat. I’m stuck in here until you do."

"Can’t move my arms." He leans over and starts rubbing them. One at a time. It hurts. Like pins and needles except with nails and tacks. I try to pull away, but he won’t let me. I thought I was stronger, I guess not. I've lost that. "I’m sorry Miguel. I know it hurts, but it’ll bring the feeling back."

"Stop. Please stop."

"You sound like Cyril."

He starts laughing at me and keeps rubbing my arms. It’s not getting any better and the pain gets worse. I know why they sent Ryan O’Reily. To torture me. I wish I could remember how to cry. The shock would make him stop. No one cries in here except Cyril. O’Reily’s used to it, being his brother, so crying wouldn’t work on him. I lean over and fall in his lap, pinning his arms. "It hurts. Stop." I knew the shock would stop him.

"It’s just pins and needles. Come on, you’re no baby. It’s not like you’ve been in that jacket for days."

"Five days. I was wearing that stupid- fucking thing for five days. I guess they wanted to stop me from tearing up this place." I look around the padded cell. That’s it. Just padded walls and nothing else.

O’Reily does too. Then he rolls me up to sit leaning against him. "Yeah. Whatever. Here - you're supposed to eat before taking the pills."

He pulls the food tray over and wraps around me. He shifts until he can reach it and me. He's warm and solid, not like this cold soft cell. I’m in heaven. He’s not just touching me. I have full body contact. It’s so nice, so comforting. I'm beginning to envy Cyril. After five days, I just want to go to sleep. "Just, until your arms are better."

I try not to sigh and move closer. I don’t want to scare him off. When he's done feeding me, he gives me the pills He picks up the empty tray and water jug. He bangs on the door to be released. He goes. Didn’t say one more word. He left without putting me back into the straight jacket.

***************

Despair is perfectly compatible with a good dinner, I promise you.
~ William M. Thackeray ~

He came back the next day and explained it all to me. At least I think it was the next day. Time passes slowly when you're alone.

I bang on the door when I have to use el bano. Sometimes the hacks let me out, sometimes they don't. The hacks use that against me. Say I'm crazy cause I shit myself. I don't care, cause it doesn't get a chance to happen that much. The hacks don't feed me. Just enough to keep me alive. I'd be okay in here if they would just let me out of this straight jacket. There's more space in the padded cell than in solitary. There's nothing, but the walls and me. Guess they figure you don't need a bed in a padded cell.

The walls are mattresses. Everything in here is soft and white, like a baby's crib. They can't kill me so they torture me. The hacks don't think I'm human and they're trying to make me forget. I wonder if that's why the ghosts visit me. To remind me I am human. I don't know, but I'm glad they visit. People aren't supposed to be left alone this much or this long. The ghosts come in my dreams and when I'm awake. I'm not sure which is which anymore, but I feel less alone.

O'Reily woke me up. Soft and gentle like Mi Madre did when I was little. No one's woken me up like that in a long time. I never would've guessed O'Reily even knew how to do that. He thinks I'm like Cyril. I think I'm asleep. I blink to check if my eyes are open.

"Miguel, you look like shit."

I know he's real. Ghosts are nicer in my dreams. "You would too if you were in my place."

He starts to free me from the straight jacket. The whole time he's cursing under his breath. I can almost hear him. He's so mad he's trembling and can't undo the buckles. I wonder if they make these things with Velcro for easy on and off. I start to giggle. That's the wonderful thing about being on these drugs. Sometimes it's like a good drunk.

Everything's funny.

"Fuck it Miguel, it's not funny. You're not even supposed to be in this fucking thing. Stop it and help me get the stupid thing off of you."

I fall into his lap. I'm trying not to laugh. I can't remember why I started and I can't stop. He's trying real hard.

I'm not helping. "Hey you're being nice to me. Why are you being so nice?"

"It's my job, asswipe. I'm supposed to feed you and make sure you take your medications."

I knew they sent O'Reily to torture me. If I take more drugs, I'll be a zombie. I'll just stare into space and sleep. I hate that.

"No." I roll away from him and out of the jacket.

"Fuck it, asswipe you have to eat. You're starting to lose weight and the medication doesn't work right on an empty stomach. You have to take the pills. Sister Pete said it screws you up if you skip doses." He lunges and grabs me, tight. I hate that. He's stronger than I am now.

I start to wiggle and squirm against his body. I'm not going to make it easy for anyone to turn me into a zombie. "No. I don't want to be a zombie. Stop it, let me go."

He won't quit, he just tightens his hold.

"O'Reily I'm not your brother. Stop treating me like a little kid."

"Stop acting like one. Christ, Cyril isn't this much trouble. Why don't you want to eat? You trying for a new career as a fashion model?"

"Eating's good. I like doing it more than once every two or three days. I don't want to take more drugs. Everything's fuzzy now. If I take more, I won't be able to do anything, but sit here and drool."

"Okay, I'll tell Sister Pete. I have to meet with her after we're done. Maybe she can reduce the dose. Is there anything else the drugs do to you? I'm supposed to tell her all your reactions."

"O'Reily, why are you here? Why are you doing this? Why not Dr. Nathan or Sister Peter Marie?"

"They don't have the time and I got volunteered."

"Go slow O'Reily. Everything's fuzzy and it's hard for me to think straight."

"Call me Ryan. If I'm calling you Miguel, you can call me Ryan. Start eating and I'll tell you the whole story. Drink your juice, it's good for you."

He does think I'm Cyril. "Ryan, just cause I'm crazy don't mean you get to treat me like a kid." I sit up and move away from him a little bit. I might be lonely, but I'm not a child.

"I'm used to taking care of Cyril. Uh... sorry." He sat back and turned to face me. "Dr. Nathan wanted to make sure you got your medication. At the right time, with food, the right amount and that you swallow it. She can't do it herself, because the state cut back her staff. She asked McManus for help. I was unlucky enough to be in his line of sight. He doesn't like either of us. He told Gloria the only way it would happen was if I did it."

I was trying to eat and follow his story at the same time. I kept drifting off. I was eating for the second time in twenty-four hours. The juice was cold and burned a little as it went down. I wanted to memorize the taste of everything. It was important, I couldn't remember why. "So you volunteered to get closer to Dr. Nathan?"

He looks at me. I'm attempting an egg sandwich. The bread goes on the inside? I need hot sauce. He snorts. He steals my sandwich and fixes it. He hands it back and ruffles my air. "The drugs really are messing you up Gatito. I'll go slower."

"McManus volunteered me because he figured I'd never agree and Dr. Nathan wouldn't take me. Shit, that woman is determined. Gloria, sorry Dr. Nathan, went to Sister Pete and got her to work on me. The good Sister's using Cyril to blackmail me. She said if I did this she'd work on getting Cyril in a group home. Slickest fucking nun I've ever met."

"Don't say shit like that about Sister Peter Marie. You're just pissed 'cause someone out maneuvered you." He doesn't want to admit it, but I'm right. I can see it in his eyes. "Still you get to talk to Dr. Nathan everyday."

"That's were you're wrong. She won't talk to me. I get to talk to Sister Peter Marie everyday."

I pat the closest limb, his thigh. "I'm sorry, Ryan."

He stands up quick and knocks me away. "Get the fuck away from me, I don't need your fucking pity."

Ops, gotta watch what I'm doing. I was only trying to be nice. That's the bad thing about being on these drugs. Sometimes it's like a bad drunk. Everything's wrong.

"No, listen. I feel for you. It has to hurt loving that much and that rejection. Don't get mad I was trying to be nice."

"Thanks, nobody else is. They all think I'm evil for loving her."

"No way man, it's so lonely in here. You got to take what you can." Then because I'm feeling exceptionally suicidal today, "Killing her husband and landing Cyril in here. That was evil and stupid."

I just sit there waiting to die. He surprises me. He looks at me with that same evil grin he wears just before he's about to set one of his plans in motion.

He shakes his head and snorts, "No way Miguel. No fucking way am I going to kill you while Cyril's still in here."

"So there's hope."

~~~~~~~~

All my life I believed I knew something. But then one strange day came when I realized that I knew nothing, yes, I knew nothing. And so words became void of meaning. I have arrived too late at ultimate uncertainty.
~ Ezra Pound ~

Ryan worked one of his O'Reily miracles and stopped the hacks from keeping me in a straight jacket. Still in the mattress room. It's been two weeks. I see him three times a day. Just him mostly, but sometimes I get to see the Sister.

Yesterday was overwhelming, Ryan, Sister Peter Marie and they took me to the showers. I don't mind when it's just Ryan. I'm getting used to him. I can talk to him and it's not like with the Sister, the hacks, or when we were in Em City. I don't have to act tough. I can tell him stuff and I don't have to worry.

Sometimes I get to listen and he tells me stuff that no one else hears.

It's getting a little easier to think and follow what he says. I'm not asleep, just not here. I like it better when I'm away.

O'Reily said Sister Peter Marie told him my being woozy and sleepy was from the depression, not the drugs. I don't believe it, but he makes me take the drugs. He said they would make the ghosts disappear. I hope not. I like getting visits. Just not everybody at the same time.

I can hear Ryan's voice dragging me away from a visit with my grandfather. "No preocupe, el medicina mal harás mejor y después latas fuera de aquí, porbrecito."

He thinks I'm asleep. He's petting my hair. He does that when he thinks I won't notice it. Pets me. I bet he had cats on the outside.

I turn into the caress like a cat. Any contact is good. "Hey Ryan." I blink to let him know I'm here now. "I used to say that to you all the time while you were in the hospital. Do you remember?"

"That was you, gatito? I thought I was dreaming."

"Since when do you dream in Spanish, O'Reily?"

"We heard it everywhere as kids. It was easy to learn, especially after we found out it pissed off my Dad."

I love it when Ryan lies. He's a master. No one else in Oz lies as quick and easy as he does. No one else in the whole world does. It's beautiful. "You learned another language to piss off your father?"

"Nah, I didn't stop there."

I sit back ready to enjoy this one. "Yeah, what else?"

"I only hung out with the Latino kids. In high school, I only dated Latinas. Miguel you should have seen my Dad's face when I brought home my senior prom date."

The bad thing about having him in here three times a day - everyday - is I forget he makes El Diablo look clean.

"You took some poor girl to the prom just to piss off your dad." I'm starting to get pissed off. "That’s fucking cold, chulo. It’s supposed to be special, that stuff means a lot to girls. You don't give a shit about who you hurt, as long as Ryan O'Reily's on top. You should have let a hermano take her or someone who could care."

He sucks in his lips and bites down. He wants to get mad. He won't let himself. He still thinks I'm trying to use him to commit suicide. I don't care.

"Hey, I never said I didn’t care about my prom date. We had a good time. Angel was mi amigo."

I knew he was just pretending to speak Spanish. Fucking Pelotudo. "Amiga, amigo means a boyfriend not girlfriend."

"Yeah, amigo. Angel’s a guys name."

Now, I think I missed something. There must have been a part of the conversation I blacked out. Either Sister Peter Marie is wrong about the drugs or I'm losing it. "You went to your senior prom with a guy?"

"Yeah, my Dad hated Latinos, and jotos really flipped him out." He's smiling and almost laughing. Like he's proud of himself.

I'm confused. "Like father like son."

"I’m not like my father, asswipe. I don’t look at what people are. I look at who they are."

I'm not confused, I'm insane or space aliens have kidnapped the real Ryan O'Reily and replaced him with a kinder gentler clone. Better not share that theory. I'll never get out of this mattress room. 'Sides I don't believe in space aliens. "Don’t lie to me Ryan. You got all over me about losing a fight to a gay. You're always saying nasty things about them. You make sure everyone knows you're not gay."

He shifts to face me. Nope, definitely not space aliens, his eyes are still clear. He starts talking to me as if I'm Cyril, again. "That's about power, sex has nothing to do with it. In here, you suck a guy, you lose power. You fuck a prag you have to take care of him, watch his back. I have enough to worry about. I don't need anyone else. There’s nothing wrong with fags. It’s like being Spanish or Black. We’re all human. No, I wasn't trying to pull you down, asswipe." His new term of endearment for me. "I wanted to get that fucking cocksucker Hernandez. I’m sorry, that was a mistake. I should have known he’d go for you. He was always looking for an excuse to fuck you over."

He has no idea how right he is. The only thing is 'El Cid' wasn't the one sucking cock. "Nah, I can take care of myself. I’m not helpless."

"I know, but that’s no excuse for me to get you in trouble. It’ll happen soon enough in here. Someone’s always looking to shit on your face. Sometimes, I don't think things all the way out. I’m sorry, gatito. I was off target."

I stop and think about what Ryan just said. I'm looking at him. His head tilted a little to the side and his eyes are half- open. I've seen that look before. Out in Em City. He's thinking. I get it. "You think about everything you say and do ahead of time?"

He smiles. I'm not as slow as Cyril is.

"Yeah, you got to survive in here. I try to stay five or six steps ahead."

"How?"

"I watch people and figure out what they’re going to do. You know, you think, 'If this happens what will he do? If that happens what will he do instead?'"

"So you have to be thinking all the time?" His brain must move so fast. I could never do that. I'm watching to see what they think of me. I try to figure out how to act so they won't hurt me. Watching and hiding takes all my time.

"Yep."

All right, he's teasing me. "So you're telling me you're psychic? What’s going to happen with us? What am I going to do next?"

Ryan looks down and just shakes his head. I'm back to Cyril speed. "Miguel, that’s why I like doing this. You’re not out to hurt me. You just want company. Someone real to talk to you and pet you." He smiles sideways at me.

Oh shit, I'm embarrassed. I was hoping he didn’t notice. Nothing gets by Ryan O’Reily, shit. "Sorry."

"It’s okay." He pets my leg. "I understand. Oz's lonely. You being all by yourself has to suck. It's the worst thing they can do to you. I know what it’s like to be hungry for a reminder you’re human. I've been there. I got Cyril now, but I remember."

He starts reassuringly rubbing his hand up and down my thigh. "'Sides, I like talking to you. It’s relaxing." He shifts to face me. "You’re a good man Miguel. I wish I could get you out of here."

"Don’t." I can picture two ways out of here. Death or back to solitary. The drugs must be starting to work, I don't want either. "If I’m not here I’m in solitary. I go crazy in there and they won’t kill me or let me do it myself."

"Sister Pete thinks she can get you back in Em City." He's so good at lying.

Smooth.

"Great, then Hernandez kills me. No, this is the best place. I got you to talk to and that’s good."

"Miguel, if you think I'm good, we need to get more people in your life."

***************************************

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place but... to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
--Dorothy Nevil

"Miguel, when you get out of here Sister Pete and Gloria want you to be my podmate."

I hate that he comes in talking mid-paragraph and I'm supposed to know what he's on about. Just because he's been thinking about it all day doesn't mean I have. Ryan forgets I'm not as smart as he is. All right, I can understand his plans. I'm just not planning all the time like he is. The drugs are working. The ghosts aren't visiting me anymore and I'm not allowing myself to put me down. "Ryan man, slow down and start at the beginning."

He rolls his eyes. He's jazzed and I'm stepping on his toes. "The Sister said the pills aren't making you spacey. She said it was from you being fucked up. The pills should be stopping that. You can follow me gatito, just concentrate."

He gets so impatient when he's in a grove. I wonder if he remembers to loosen up when he's talking to Cyril. Course he doesn't try to explain most of his plans to Cyril.

"I'm with you if you start at the beginning, not the middle. I'm not psychic."

"Yeah. Right. Sorry." He throws out, distracted. I love it when he's got something going, his eyes glow and he looks like he's eating a grin. He's thinking now. After two months of three daily visits, I can read his face. Ryan closes his eyes a little when he thinks. Like the answers are on the inside of his lids.

"Why they want me to live with you?"

"Oh, they think that you're responding better since I've been coming to see you. Maybe they think I'm a good role model."

Okay, that sets me off. I can't help it. Ryan O'Reily a good role model. For what? The Prince of darkness? I'm laughing so hard I start rolling around the floor.

"Shut up asswipe." I know he uses it as a pet name for me. He hits me when he says it. "I do a good job with Cyril."

I have to change the topic. The image of him as a role model. I don't get much to laugh about. This could keep me going for days. "What about Cyril? Has McManus finally gone overboard? Is he going to try to squeeze the three of us into one tiny pod? Where'm I going to sleep, under the bunk or share with one of you two?"

"I told you Sister Peter Marie is working on getting him out. Then when he's in a group home they'll move you in with me. If you want - or you can go back to Hernandez."

I shudder. I can't help it. Going back to Hernandez would be going back to hell. The only thing to look forward to is his killing me in the processes of torturing me. This mattress room is much better. At least it's not solitary. "You know that's never going to happen hermano. I ain't never going to get out of here."

Ryan whips around. He doesn't bother to hide his anger anymore. I guess he's figured out he has enough control not to kill me here. "Miguel, why do you always say shit like that? It's like you got no hope."

Bingo boyscout. What do they say? 'For a smart guy you sure can be stupid.' "What do you think I'm in here for O'Reily? I keep trying to kill myself. That along with hopelessness are two major signs of a severe depression." Cutre.

"Yeah, what about all this?" He makes one of those sweeping gestures with his hand. "All this anger?"

I lean my head back against the wall. Hard. I try the deep breathing thing Sister Pete taught me. "That's part of it too." The deep breathing is working great. I can hear myself growling. I hate this lack of control. "Didn't Sister Pete tell you any of this?"

His eyes close half way and he slides down the wall to sit next to me. "So you're like Beecher was?" He's eating a grin again. His mind is going at 100 mph. "So, you could explode all over someone at any time gatito." He lets a full out grin escape.

I don't know whether to be scared or irritated. "Ryan did you deliberately drive Beecher over the edge and point him at Schillinger?" I settle for awe.

He shrugs, "No. I saw he was on the edge and I just gave him a little push. Schillinger was all his own beautiful idea."

I think of how I felt when 'El Cid' had me cut out Rivera's eyes. "Why did you do that? That's cruel. It's sick."

He's not mad. I guess he remembered Rivera too. "No, you don't get it. He had to stop Vern. Had to get him away from that sick nazi fuck. That's what was driving him over the edge."

Now I am scared. How could he do that? How could he think that? I thought they were friends. Shit, everyone thought they were getting it on. He has no feelings. "Yeah, but Ryan..."

He interrupts me. It's important to him that I get this. "Look, it was the only way. Beecher's my friend."

I look at O'Reily and think I never want to hear him say that about me. The price is too high. He's still talking.

"He's not like us. He has a real life on the outside. I want him to be able to go back to that life. He's got to be able to take care of himself in here to live long enough to get out. Schillinger or one of those Aryan fuckers were going to kill him. He had to stop them."

He doesn't get it, this man has no morals. "Ryan don't you ever thing about the consequences of your actions.

Beecher's changed. No one will go near him because they think he's crazy. "

"Miguel, you're too caught up in what other people think. Look, Toby's still alive and will be until his parole. You're so worried about what everyone thinks about you and look at where it gets you. We are the scum of society in here. The bottom of the barrel. Who gives a fuck about what everyone thinks about you? As long as you're alive that's all that matters. You don't need to be on top and you don't need their respect."

"Sister Peter Marie and Father Ray aren't scum."

"That's right. They're not. And you know what? They like you? Miguel you cut out a hack's eyes, you killed a man and they are still working their asses off to help you. If you have to worry about what people think about you, worry about people like that. They think you can do no wrong. They think that despite everything you're a good man. Just remember that and forget Hernandez and the rest of them. You worry about them and they control you. You're too good for that."

I know he's right. I have to think about all this. It goes against everything I know. He doesn't have a gang and he has a brain damaged brother to take care of, but he's out there and I'm in here. "I don't want anyone to think I'm weak."

Ryan puts his hand on the back of my neck and pulls me toward him until our foreheads touch. His voice is all husky and intense. "What do you care? As long as they leave you alone? They think Toby's weak. They think Cyril's weak. They leave them alone. The only game. The only real game is survival."

I'm scared because he's close and I want him closer. I'm almost in his lap and I like it. This is so fucked up. I pull back enough to look him in the eyes. "They leave Cyril alone because everyone's afraid of you."

"And he's the boxing champ. Everyone knows he can fight."

Back then I thought Ryan was insane. His brother could have ended up worse, much worse. Now I see his point. I try to pull away. He slides his arm down my back and pulls me to his side. He's warm and it feels good. I give in.

"I've seen you fight, gatito. You got sent back to solitary because you killed Ricardo and stuck Guerra."

I smile and lean back rubbing my stomach. "The hacks pulled me off before I stuck Guerra. But yeah, I stabbed Ricardo. It was good. Would've been better if it was Hernandez."

Killing Hernandez is something I dream about. I want to make it slow and painful. Pay him back for half the pain he's caused me. Getting Ricardo and seeing Guerra all terrified was good. Real good. I relax into Ryan.

"So what are you worried about?"

I stare at the floor. He doesn't get it. He's so strong, he just can't understand.

"I can't do it alone, anymore." I know I'm whispering, but it's tough to admit.

He pulls me in tighter. "You're not alone. You got me."

I rip up and out of his arms. I cross the cell. "Yeah, in my little mattress room, not in Em City."

He walks over to stand in front of me. "Yes, in Em City too. You are my friend. I'll always be there for you."

I look away. He's so intense, like he does care. I can't meet those green eyes. He can look right at you and lie. I want to believe him so badly. I need to believe him. "Yeah, like Beecher?"

Shit I think I'm going to cry. Fuck I need Ryan O'Reily.

He reaches out and pulls my chin around until our eyes meet. He takes one of my hands in his free hand. "No, more than Beecher. You mean much more to me." He squeezes my hand and turns to leave. I hurt when he leaves. Oh Shit. Tomo por el culo. Will you conquer my heart with your beauty, my soul going out from afar?

~~~~~~~

Shall I fall to your hand as a victim of crafty and cautious shikar?
-- Kipling

PART TWO

Shakespeare Sonnet #148
O me, what eyes hath Love put in my head,
Which have no correspondence with true sight!
Or, if they have, where is my judgment fled,....

***************************************

"We do not have to visit a madhouse to find
disordered minds; our planet is the mental
institution of the universe."
-Goethe

I can't help it. I keep coming back to Hernandez. I think it's time to tell Ryan. I'm afraid of what he'll do. What his reaction will be. I hope he's not lying when he says he cares about me. I never know with him. I hope he doesn't stop coming to see me. "Hey Ryan, umm, did you, you know... ever have sex with a guy?"

Good sign, his face didn't shut down. He's not mad. He's tilted his head like he's listening. "Why gatito?"

"Cause... you know...you're here for a long time, and you been in prison before and a lot of guys in prison end up, you know."

His eyes close half way. He stands up and leans against the wall. He's thinking about what I'm not saying. He's trying to figure out where this is going. "No, why?"

"I was wondering if it doesn’t hurt." I'm going to tell him, but it's hard. I'm nervous. I don't know what his reaction will be and I don't like remembering this. I've never told any one. "If, umm, you know.... like, you both want to do it."

Ryan has it. I should have known it wouldn't take long for him to figure out. He crouches down in front of me and takes my face in his hands. "Miguel gatito, what happened. What did that fuck Hernadez do to you?"

Great, he's mad and I'm back to being Cyril again. "Nothing." I try to shrink away.

He takes a deep breath and leans in closer. Petting my face. "Come on Miguel, what happened?"

I think about the pain. About wanting to escape and knowing, I couldn't. I was so scared. For the first time in my life, I couldn't cover it up. I couldn't act tough. 'EL Cid' wanted me scared. He demanded it if I acted tough around him, he kept pushing until I was down. I tried not to look at him, into his eyes. If he saw me looking, he would burst out angry. I would pay for it all night and sometimes for days. I kept my eyes on the floor and tried to shrink when he was around. It didn't work; I was always messing up. He was always punishing me. It was worst in Em City. I could feel everyone looking at me, dissing me, hating me. In here, I don't worry about those eyes. I don't worry about what people think of me. I don't worry about the pain. Ryan comes in and makes me feel alive. Makes me feel like I'm human. Father Ray used to, but not anymore. I think he's mad at me for not telling him about Rivera. I don't want to lose Ryan. I can't lose him. I'm scared. I don't want to go back to Hernandez. I don't want him to get Ryan. "Nothing."

"Miguel gatito, please." He's still petting me, but now it's softer. He's trying to get me to look up into his eyes.

I wish I hadn't started this. I wish I could run away. "No no, I don’t want to give 'El Cid' another reason to want to kill me."

Ryan pulls back. "Don’t worry, he’s out."

"Out?" I do believe in miracles. I'm just not sure about O'Reily.

He leans back and stands up. "His lawyer got a mistrial declared, he’s out of Em City, out of Oz."

"He could still get someone to kill me."

Ryan's pacing. "I don’t think so." He looks like he's planning, but he doesn't know where to go yet. "Hernandez is going to be worried about staying out." He's all distracted, "Not what goes on inside." Face down and walking, he bumps a wall then he turns around and starts all over.

"No you don’t know him, Ryan. He’ll do it."

I'm shaking and trying to grow smaller. Hernandez will never give up on me.

Ryan looks my way on one of his turns around the room. He sees me small and doesn't like it. "Miguel, the longer you take, the worse I’m going to think it was."

He sits back down next to me.

I look away. "Nothing happened that I didn’t deserve."

He wraps an arm across my shoulders and pulls me in tight. I need him close if I'm ever going to get through this. "What did he do, gatito? He raped you didn't he?"

I curl down into Ryan. It still hurts, but not as bad. I wonder if this is what it's like to have a big brother. No wonder Cyril worships him. It feels so good to have the comfort. "It was my fault, I made him mad."

Ryan starts petting me, rubbing his hands up and down my back and arms. "How often, everyday?" His voice is hard and mean. "Did he stop when you came back from solitary? Did he pass you around?" I flinch. "It's not you gatito. It's not your fault." He pulls me in closer and starts whispering in my ear. "Miguel, what happened? The less you talk, the more I assume. I'm almost mad enough to walk right out of here and kill him."

I hold tight and burrow into Ryan. I know he's mad cause he never says shit like that. He's always cool on the outside, figuring out a way to make it look like somebody else did it. He only gets angry when Cyril's threatened. I don't want to be Cyril, but Hernandez scares me. It was that bad.

He starts talking again real low and deadly calm. "Miguel gatito, I’m in here for life. I got connections on the outside. I’ll get him and every member of his cocksucking gang."

Mierda, no. I got to stop him. "No, no don’t, they'd put you in solitary or kill you. I can’t lose my only friend. I can't lose you."

"They’d have to catch me first and no one has yet."

"Please Ryan, I don’t want you to go away."

He pulls back until he can see my face. "So tell me what happened."

"You're right." I'm crying. I don't want to. I can't stop. This is hurts so much. "He raped me. He said I made him cause I’m so pretty. He liked it. The more it hurt me the better he liked it. He wouldn’t let anyone else fuck me. I had to suck off lots of other guys."

"Who?"

I can't look at him. It's harder to tell than I thought it would be. I expected him to be mad. I didn't think he would be so nice. It's like I can finally let go. I'm trying not to. "Any culo who wanted it, like Ricardo. The hacks he was getting stuff from. Anybody he had business with."

"Shit. Shit." He's banging his head back into the wall. Good thing I'm still in the mattress room. "Goddamn Fucking Degenerate."

"Ryan stop. Please, I’m sorry."

"Shit eating ass licking fucking no good animal."

I try to put my hands between his head and the wall. "I’m so sorry. Please don’t be mad, it’s my fault. Please don’t go away Ryan. Please don’t go away." I let go. I'm crying so hard that I can barely breath. I think I just lost everything. I can't lose Ryan. He's not like Sister Pete or Father Ray, he doesn't want to make me into somebody else. He's my light. He keeps me alive.

Ryan stops banging his head. His face goes from red to pale and he looks sad. "Oh gatito, Miguel." He strokes my head from my forehead to the back of my skull repeatedly. He keeps talking to me in a low husky voice. "I’m not mad at you. Why are you apologizing, you didn’t do anything wrong, it’s not your fault. I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at them. I don’t want to leave you. You didn’t do any thing wrong Miguel. Hernandez and every scum sucker who took him up on his offer were the bad ones. Not you. Don’t apologize, it’s not your fault, gatito." It's so soothing I start to breathe again.

************

There's a very fine line between a groove
and a rut; a fine line between eccentrics
and people who are just plain nuts."
-Anon.

Ryan came in today wearing a Leprechaun hat. It was too big and he had his bad ass O'Reily face on. I laughed until I couldn't breathe. He took off the hat when I started hiccuping.

"Happy Easter, Miguel."

I'm holding my stomach. "Is this my present, you kill me with laughter?" I can see he's trying not to laugh.

"Aunt Bertha sent it to Cyril. I asked him if I could borrow it to use to cheer you up."

I wipe the tears from my eyes. "Tell him it worked."

"He feels for you, stuck all by yourself."

Ryan sits down and pulls a folded up green paper from his pocket. He hands it to me. "He made you this card."

I unfold it. It's a little kid's card. Yellow and green construction paper, glitter trailing everything it touches. There's a giant pink and orange egg, some weird looking scrawling drawings and a scary adult signature. I think it's Ryan's. I don't want to ask if Cyril signed it. That would just be too painful. I giggle, not because it's funny, but because it feels good. "This is sweet. He's a good kid."

"He's leaving. Sister Pete fucking did it. She got Cyril into a place for people like him. They'll take care of him and he'll even get treatment. Pete said there's a chance he might get a little better."

"Hey man, that's great. That's what you been asking for since he got here. What's the place like?"

"Sister Pete showed us some pictures. It's a fucking country club, Gato. She's getting permission for us to go and check it out. Make sure it's O.K. for Cyril."

He relaxes against the wall and glows. The hyped-up pinched look leaves his face. He shifts, the spark returning to his eyes and the snake smile back. The polished sexy trickster I met my first year in Oz is back. I wonder if I can survive in the same room with all that wild energy. I hope he grows his hair back to the way it was before he got cancer. He looked so good, with that long hair and sideburns, so tough. Jesus, why am I thinking stuff like that about Ryan? It's bad enough I'm addicted to him. I don't want to start wanting him like that.

Fuck. He looks good. I move closer to him. I can't help it.

He tilts his head to look at me and I can see that half grin on his face. "Sister Pete and Dr. Nathan convinced McManus to move you in with me as soon as Cyril's gone. That'll get Rauol going." His eyes smile. He's all happy, like everything's in place and coming together.

I move away from him. Mierda. How could he forget? Is everything he says a lie? How can I trust him? "You told me he was out, culo."

He's still smiling. "Yeah," He shakes his head, "it was the only way I could get you to tell me what happened."

Asshole's standing there all cool and fucking celebrating. He can't even see it. Fuck. It's all part of the game to him. He doesn't care, as long as he can pull it off.

"Get out. Go away and fucking leave me alone, asshole." I turn to the wall. I don't want to see him anymore. I should've known. You can't trust anyone.

"Miguel, what the fuck?" He's still here.

"Get out. Go away." Shit, I'm still messed up. I'm crying. Who's going to think you're cool now, nino. You're crying because Ryan O'Reily lied to you. I can hear everyone laughing, even Father Ray. I'll never survive back in Oz if I don't toughen up. Grandpoppi would cut my heart out.

"Gato, what is it. What's wrong?" Now he wants to do something. His hands are on my shoulders and I can feel him leaning into my back. It feels so good. I want to press back and melt into him. Shit, tomo por culo. I'm addicted to fucking Ryan O'Reily.

I throw him off. "You lied." I get as far away as I can. "You lied to me for a fucking piece of information."

"What's your fucking problem? This is Oz. Everybody lies all the time. Are you going to tell me you never lie?"

"I don't lie to you."

"You were. You kept saying nothing happened. I knew something happened. Fuck Miguel, everyone knew Hernandez was screwing you. We just didn't know who he was selling you to."

"Why'd you lie to me almo?"

"I had to know how bad it was. I figured you'd only tell me everything if you felt safe."

"Why, why did you have to know?"

"Look at me. Look. Sometimes, you just need to know you're not alone. When I was a kid.... with my dad.... it was bad. Real bad. I thought it was my fault. I thought no one cared. I care about you. I don't want you to feel like that."

"Don't lie to me. Look, I know everyone lies. I know you got to lie to survive Oz. It hurts, you know, when you lie to me. I trust you. I need you, mi almo."

"Maybe you should find someone else to trust, Gato." He starts petting me again.

I lean into the touch rubbing my cheek along his hand. "Gato? Not gatito? I'm not a kitten anymore?"

He snorts. "I didn't think you noticed."

He keeps petting me. I wish I could purr.

"You always call me kitten." I turn to face him. "How could I miss it?"

"Sorry, I'll try to stop." He's moved from my face to my hair and he's got his other hand on the back of my neck. He can't stop himself no matter how hard he tries.

"Nah, gato's better than gatito. Why cat? You think I look like one?"

"No, you move like a cat and you're as smart as one. Cats are the best pets."

I get up and walk away. "I ain't your pet."

"No, that's why you're like one. Cats are great. They can take care of themselves. They're not afraid to fight. If you're good to them then they let you pet them. And they purr."

I sit down next to him. "O.K., Dulce."

"Dulce?"

"Yeah, cause you're so sweet."

"Cute. Look I'm not lying when I say I care about you. I know you can take care of yourself. I like hanging out with you. I want to be sure you're still alive to do that back in Em City."

**************

"Insanity -- a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world."
-R. D. Lang

Ryan dances in to the mattress room. "Guess what Gato? There is a God."

This man is incapable of starting at the beginning. Just once I'd like to hear, 'Hey Miguel, how are you?' It'll never happen. I look up, "I know. I pray to him everyday."

"And he loves you." Ryan leans back against the door. He's vibrating with energy. Yes, the old O'Reily from before cancer and Cyril got here is back. He's cool, relaxed, and growing back those sexy sideburns. Damn the man looks good. I want to glide over there and just run my hands all over that pretty Irish body. I need to find out what the hell he's talking about first.

"Hermano, I told you about that starting in the middle shit."

"Yeah." He's off in O'Reily land. His hand is making circles on his stomach and he's looking right through me, sucking on his bottom lip. I think he's in rapture or in the middle of a plan. Something's on his mind.

I try to hide my smile. "How come you know God loves me, mi almo?"

He wakes up and shakes himself. I get the full out O'Reily grin. The one that just makes you want to believe everything he says. "Hernandez is dead."

Now it's my turn to shake myself awake. I was thinking about how I could seduce the best looking and most unpredictable guy in Oz. If I got Ryan O'Reily it would make Keller's seduction of Beecher look lame-ass. I wasn't thinking about getting out of here. "Are you sure?" v "Yeah, the Wiseguys got him." He focuses on me and sits down. "Now Guerra's plotting revenge, and on the way to getting himself killed." He makes himself comfortable, like what he just said is no big deal.

"Fuck, Ryan." I put my head in my hands. How do I get through to him? "I thought you were going to wait and let me get Hernandez."

He leans back and grins. "Sometimes, God puts you in the palm of his hand." He's giggling, the man is giggling. He's sick or high.

"You think God kills people for you? Hermano, you're more loco then I am."

"You're not loco anymore. Not that much. Nah, all I did was tell Pancamo how Hernandez stopped me from dealing. And how El Cid was planning to take over the whole tit trade."

"Why did you tell him that?" I think I can feel a migrane coming on, "You know how stupid he is. I thought we decided that wasn't the right way to go." I'm up and pacing.

Ryan shrugs, "He asked. He just came up to me and asked." His eyes follow me across the room. "I figured why not let him know. Put some heat on that cocksucker Hernandez."

"Mierda." I hit a mattress.

"Yeah. I didn't think Chuckie would be stupid enough to just go and do it. He didn't even try to cover it up. Everyone knows, except the hacks. Guerra's even stupider. He's telling everyone what he's going to do. Even asked me for help."

"Guerra's always been an asshole. He can't lead for shit. Man, the only thing that stupid fuck cares about is acting tough, getting revenge and shit."

"Yeah," He grabs me and pulls me down next to him. "But someone's going to take his place when he's dead." He pulls me into his lap. "That's who we have to protect you from."

I knew he was planning. "Why?" I try to get up, he tightens his grip, fucker is still stronger than me. "Sounds like I'm going to be able to walk right out and take over."

Ryan starts petting my head and neck. I know he's trying to calm me down. "That's the last thing you want to do."

"Why you think I can't handle it, hermano?" I pull free and go back to pacing. He just wants a little pet. He can't control a man. Fuck him, I'm better, I can take care of myself.

"No. It would be stupid to put yourself in that position. Look what happened when Hernandez came in. Look at what happened to Adebisi, fucking little Kenny Wangler took over the Gangsters. Shit look at Wangler now that Adebisi's back. You're at the top you're out in the open; someone's always looking to take you down. No, if you're not in a gang you don't have to worry about your 'amigos' stabbing you in the back."

I hate this. He's right. He has a point. I'm just not ready to give in. "Yeah, but I got to show everyone I'm in control, you know. I'm not loco."

"You have to stay alive. The best way to do that is stay out of Guerra's war with the Wiseguys."

I sit down across from him. I'm ready to give in. He is right. "O.K. Dulce, spill. What's your plan?"

He looks down at his hands in his lap. I guess he's not proud of this plan or he thinks he's going to have to convince me to go along. "We let everyone think you're my prag."

"What are you fucking loco?" He is going to have to convince me. I want him, but I ain't going to be no one's prag. I lean forward and get in his face. "How's that going to look, maricon? No one will respect me."

Ryan starts rubbing his temples. "Miguel Gato, how many times do I have to tell you?" He's talking to me like I'm Cyril and just not getting the point. "It's not about respect; it's not about what other people think of you. It's about survivial and fucking staying alive in this shithole." He reaches over and grabs my hands. "You do this and you live."

"I don't know, man." I stare down at our hands. "I don't know if I can do this, mi almo." I lean back against the wall and bite my lip. "I can't go back to like it was with Hernandez. I'd rather die."

"No." He cups my face and rubs his thumbs across my cheekbones. "I couldn't do that to you. I'm looking for a partner not a slave." He moves in until our foreheads touch.

I take a deep breath, the closeness and his warmth are overwelming. I'm lost. I can't resist. "What's the plan?" I want to give in. "What are the rules of the game?"

"I don't know." He wraps his arms around me and pulls me in. "I'm still working on it."

I can feel his chin resting on my head. "Shit, it's only my life you're playing with, Amigo." I rub my cheek along his shoulder.

"Miguel, I've never done this before." He pets my hair. "Let me think about it, Gato. I can't hurt you."

I think he kisses my hair. I pull back to see his face and narrow my eyes. "I won't let you, O'Reily."

*************

The pleasure of love is in the loving. We are happier in the passion we feel than in that we arouse."
--LaRochefoucauld

I can't believe it. I'm out. Ryan and I have been talking and planning for a month. I'm moving into his pod. I'm still not sure how this is going to work. Now I just have to stay cool. Convince everyone it's real and not let Ryan know I want his pretty Irish ass.

We walk across Em City and Ryan keeps his hand on the back of my neck. I know he's doing it to make me feel better. He's also eye fucking everyone, making sure they know I'm his.

I can see Guerra's face as we pass.

"Chilito. Maricon." He spits.

Ryan stops and without letting go of my neck gets in Guerra's face. "Chupar es mi ping."

"Keep moving ladies." Murphy yells.

Ryan just does that half smile thing of his and keeps strutting. I got to love that man, you know.

We get to the pod and the buzzer sounds for evening count.

The hacks are finished with most of the line and almost to us. Ryan grabs me and kisses me. Not a little peck on the cheek. A real kiss. He kisses slow and soft. He starts out just touching my lips with his. A whisper, I can barely feel it. Then he licks my lips. Just with the tip of his tongue. I never had so little contact in a first kiss. Ryan O'Reily is kissing me.

We talked about how we were going to do this, how he was going to convince everyone I was his. He never said anything about kissing in public. In the middle of evening count.

I thought he'd just touch me.

It's been so long and he's so good. I just melt into him, you know. He pulls me in tighter and I'm hanging on for life here. I open my mouth and I'm about to swallow him whole when Murphy comes up. "No fucking in Em City, girls."

Ryan turns to look at him. He never lets me go. Which is good, cause I don't think I can stand. I've wanted him for months. It's just been getting more intense. I thought I would just have to hold it in and hide it. Act cool. 'Cause there is no love in Oz, man. One kiss and I'm gone. Worse then Keller over Beecher.

After that little preview, I want more. I need more.

Ryan smiles at Murphy slow and easy, just like the kiss. "We're men, not girls and we're just kissing. Kissing may lead to fucking, but technically it's not fucking."

I know he and Murphy are friends, but man he's pushing it. I try to back away. He pulls me back. I don't want to end up in the hole less than an hour out of that fucking mattress room. I'm shivering.

Ryan pulls me in closer.

Murphy smiles and I can see he's trying not to laugh. "Technically 'gentlemen', you are still inmates and I am still a corrections officer. Break it up." He pats my back. I guess I was shaking. "Show's over boys and girls, back to count."

He walks away mumbling something about rules, O'Reily and 'technically'. He's laughing and trying his best to cover it up. Murphy and Ryan are good friends. I wonder if I got competition.

My head starts to clear and I realize something about the taste of that kiss. "Amante, you stopped smoking?" I turn to face him.

Ryan looks down at me. "Yeah," he exhales, "cancer'll do that to you." He's sliding his hand up and down my arm.

I can see Murphy watching us. I'm shivering. I meet Murphy's eye and he looks at Ryan then gives me this little grin. Like he's decided, I'm okay for his kid brother. I shoot him a smile and try not to lean in to Ryan and just purr.

We're going into the pod and I see Keller standing in front of his. He's wearing a snake grin and got this 'I know what position you're going to spend the night in' look. Ryan can see it too. He looks at Keller, then at Beecher standing next to Chris. He licks his lips and smiles at Keller. He pulls my hand and says loud enough for Keller to hear, "Come on Gato we got to break in your bed."

*******************

I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence, but it comes from within. It is there all the time.
-- Anna Freud

Everybody has their day and this one's mine
-- Patti Rothberg

"So Alvarez, you O’Reily’s prag now?"

I knew this was coming. I expected it. Just thought it’d be my old 'amigos', Guerra and the gang, first. Not someone taking it up the ass from Adebisi every night. Fucking Kenny Wangler.

I smile slow and sleepy like I just got up after some great sex. "Yeah, I’m his prag. You know what that means?"

I’m calm. After all the pills they got me on, I'm floating. "It means I don’t owe anybody, except O'Reily, anything."

We’ve reached Ryan in line and I flash my best 'I just had great sex smile' at him. "Hey babe."

He grins and licks his lips. He turns to Kenny. "Keep pushing him, Wangler. It’s just a matter of which one of us gets to you first. Maybe you'll get lucky and we'll both teach you a lesson, asswipe."

He dumps food on Wangler’s tray and leans over the counter. "It’s not like you and Adebisi, cocksucker." He points at me and then back at his chest. "This is an equal partnership. Miguel can protect my interests like I protect his." He gives Kenny that death smile and says real low, "You got any questions, just ask Ricardo, dickhead."

I love Ryan. He’s outstanding. He backed me up. He put Wangler in his place. And he did it all without taking himself down. Smooth and brutal, you got to love that man.

Ryan turns back to me and delivers a slow sleepy smile with my breakfast. We did just have great sex.

I slide down the line and strut over to a table. I got my game back and I have something no one else in Oz has. I got Ryan O'Reily, the best looking man in the place. I remember what it felt like to be inside of him, how he tasted and the look on his face when he came. Everything was tight, hot, and sweet. I couldn't get enough. I made him late to the kitchen and got a lecture from Dr. Nathan about showing up late to get my medication. I wonder if I can convince her to cut back on the medicine and use my Dulce as a substitute.

What wisdom can you find that is greater than kindness?
-- Jean-Jacques Rousseau

~Finn~