Title: The Confession
Author: PEJA
Fandom: The Sentinel
Pairing: Jim/Blair
Rating: PG
Summary: After seeing TSbBS for the first time today, I just had to get this out of my head. Blair pain is one thing, but this was just too intense...so this is my take on the confession scene.... Disclaimer: Not mine
Archive: The WWOMB
Feedback: oh yea....
Email: daltonavon@yahoo.com
By PEJA
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This was it. Time to make it right again.
Blair stepped up to the microphones. Cameras blinked red. Harsh lights burned eyes that refused to gleam with the tears filling his throat
"Hi....Ah, thank you all for coming. I...ah, just have a short...speech prepared here." Nervous fear roughened his words and he rocked back and forth on restless feet. Looking up, he swallowed hard.
"Umm.... In our media informed culture," he spoke quickly, wanting to get the bitter-tasting words out before he lost it completely and broke down in front of these expectant strangers. "....A scientist receives validation by having his or her work published....And after years of research there is, ah..." The words faltered, his eyes darted around the room, never settling on anything. Not seeing anything but the goal that this press conference dangled before him. "... Great personal satisfaction when that goal is reached."
Run. The word screamed silently through his head, and he faltered. Don't throw everything away.
He grasped the podium, refusing to let his traitorous feet flee before he could give Jim back his life.
"However," His words rushed faster yet and his fingers tightened on the stand. "My desire to impress both my peers and...the world at large, drove me to an immoral and unethical act."
Eyes lowered, refusing to validate the lies pouring from his lips. "My thesis, The Sentinel is a..." Tears welled up in his throat and he faltered, stumbling over the false confession. Swallowing the bitter pain, he pressed on. "...Is a fraud."
Too late to turn back now. I've destroyed my life.
God, Jim. For you. Only for you.
"While my paper does... quote ancient source material, the documentation proving that James Ellison...." He paused, jaw working hard, choking down the tears that threatened to burst forth and destroy the last small bit of his dignity.
Gathering his strength, he continued. "....Actually possessed... hyper senses is...is fraudulent."
His glance lifted and he shuddered under the cold glares of those gathered to hear his confession.
"Looking back," A nervous laugh filtered through his words, making his voice crack, "I can say it’s a good piece of fiction." His head fell, hair swaying forward to shield him from the chaos he was bringing down around his ears.
Never a coward, he looked up into the unblinking eye of the camera. "I...apologize for this deception and...my only hope," He glanced away, seeking his mother. The sympathy in her eyes was too much. God let me get through this without making a total ass out of myself. "..Is that I can be forgiven for the pain I've caused those that are close to me..." Tears filled those final words.
Snatching up his notes, he dashed from center stage with a mumbled a tearful, "Thank you..."
The Dean chased him down, catching up with him as he exited the room. "You've embarrassed this University for the last time. I want your office cleared out by Friday."
As if it mattered.
Blair kept walking, not hearing, not caring. He was to busy trying to keep himself from breaking apart and crumbling down into the floor.
He wasn't coming back. The few things he wanted from the cluttered office were already stashed in the truck of the Volvo.
Waiting for him to finish what he'd set out to do.
*******************
Seeing Jim, Blair excused himself from the doctor and wondered over to the big cop to say his second goodbye.
"Hey." He glanced behind him, watching the bustle going on around them rather then meet the cold eyes of the man who had been his dearest friend for three years.
The man who no longer counted him as a friend.
"Doc says the surgery went well and...that the bullet missed major organs on both of them." Blair shrugged, shoving his restless hands into tight pockets. "He said they can leave in about a week or two."
"Thank god," Jim said, looking past Blair.
Blair shuffled restlessly from foot to foot, then lifted his pained glance to Jim. "So, I heard you guys finally...ah, got Zeller."
"I don't know," Jim shook his head, glancing away. "Eh, somebody probably..ah, got him. We still got Mercer to contend with. I don't know which ones worse." He gave a short laugh, then, "I saw your press conference."
Blair chanced a glance at Jim, then ducked his head. "I knew you saw it," he said, swallowing fresh tears. He shrugged. "It’s just a book." A short forced laugh parted his pale lips.
"It was your life."
That couldn't be argued.
Blair nodded jerkily. "Yeah, it was." He searched for something to say. "You know you were right." Another short bitter laugh. "I don't know what I was expecting to do with it. I..I mean where do I get off following you around for three years pretending I was a cop," he shook his head, shrugging yet again. "Right?"
Jim reached to touch his arm, but drew back. "This self-deprecation doesn't suit you, you know? You might have been just an observer, but you're the best cop I've ever met. And you’re the best partner I could ever ask for."
Blair sought Jim's eyes, hope soaring in his eyes, only to be stomped ruthlessly down. After everything that had come before he was unwilling to believe. Unwilling to trust.
Don't lay it on so damn thick, Jim. Blair thought pursing his lips and nodding.
"You've been a great friend. And put me through some pretty weird stuff."
Yeah, right. Always there, Blair. Always put your life on hold while the big guy takes center stage Blair. Little shadow, that's me...
Blair's glance flickered. "Thanks."
Shuffling from one foot to the other, Jim asked. "You ready to get busy?"
Blair stared at his retreating back. Just like that, huh? Forgive and forget, Sandburg. What the hell, and all's right with the world, right? Right? Hell, no...hell fucking no.
Blair sighed. "Yeah, right." For his sentinel, he swallowed his battered pride and followed the detective.
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