April's Fool

by Hellborne

the_ferret_mom@yahoo.com

Fandom: Pirates of the Caribbean

Rating: PG for colorful nudity.

Copyright: Characters, not mine, See the Mouse. Story, mine, but I make no money. He does, but not on this.

Typing convention. / is used for thoughts.

Summary: It's April Fool's Day, and there's a prankster onboard the Pearl. Slash.

A/N: Let me know how you like it.



April's Fool
by Hellborne
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"Jack's so dirty his clothes ran away!"

Jack glared at Cotton. "You stop that bird from sayin' that, mate, or he'll be on the menu tonight!"

Cotton looked at Jack innocently. The parrot flew onto Jack's shoulder and tried to take off with a braid in its beak. "Jack joined the navy last week!"

Jack swatted at the parrot, who let go of the braid and flew to the crow's nest. "I MEAN IT!" He tied off the wheel and tromped off to the galley. He grabbed a bottle of rum and a turkey leg and went back to the helm. He took a bite of the turkey leg and spat it out immediately. It tasted like someone had cooked it in sea water and then some. He took a swig of rum to get rid of the taste. "WHO PUT TEA IN ME RUM BOTTLE?!!! Ragetti! I want some food wot's not tastin' like it was cooked in bilge water!" He tossed the leg overboard and emptied the bottle.

Ragetti brought him another turkey leg. Jack took a tentative taste. This one tasted far better. He took a big bite into the leg and paused. He felt something large and flat in his mouth. He bit down on it. /Metal?/ He pulled the object out of his mouth. It was a shilling. He tried another bite and pulled out a farthing. /What the blazes?/ He continued eating the leg in small bites and pulling coins out of it as he went. By the time he was finished, he was two guineas, four shillings, and eleven farthings richer, and wasn't sure if maybe he'd swallowed some money besides. He was also still thirsty. "Anna Maria! Take the helm!"

Anna Maria ran up the stairs two at a time and took the wheel. Jack climbed down the stairs and found his hand momentarily stuck on the stair rail. He brought his hand up. It was black and dripping with tar. He stepped off the bottom step, leaving his right boot behind in a small, black puddle. Jack picked up the dripping boot and walked into his cabin, thirst forgotten. Will was lying on his stomach on the bed, reading. When Jack entered, he looked up. "You look upset, Jack. What happened? Is there anything I can do to help you?"

Jack held up his boot and his hand. "Tar! Of all the places on this ship that NEED tarrin', some idiot had to spill some on the stairs leadin' to the helm!"

Will put the book down and hopped off the bed, moving to the wash basin and grabbing a towel, on which he poured some rum. "Here. Let me help you clean up." He wiped Jack's hand clean, then started on the boot. Jack took a big swig from the bottle.

"Lad, am I a bad captain?"

"Jack, you're the best captain any pirate could hope for! Why?"

"Cotton's parrot doesn't like me."

Will's eyebrows raised in surprise. "What?"

"He's makin' fun of me!"

"How?"

"He said I'm so dirty that my clothes ran away from me!"

Will sniffed at him. "Well, I guess you could use a bath."

Jack looked at Will and brightened. "Whelp? You're right. Have the galley get me some hot water. A nice, soothing, hot bath is just what I need!" Will left to have the tub and water brought to the Captain's cabin.

When there was enough water in the tub, Jack climbed in and relaxed, his eyes closed, washing his hair with the cake of lye soap. Will grabbed his dirty clothes and took them out to be cleaned. Jack continued washing from top to bottom, eyes closed in relaxation. Once he was finished soaping up, he ducked underwater to rinse his head, sat up and opened his eyes to rinse the rest of him. He stopped, staring. The water was green. The soap was green. His skin was green. He looked at his hair in a panic. It was green. He tried to rinse the color off his arms; the green remained. He threw the soap across the room, almost hitting Will as he returned from dropping off Jack's dirty clothes. "JACK!"

Jack stood up. "LOOK AT ME!"

Will looked at Jack, horrified. "Jack! You're GREEN!"

Jack looked back at Will. He was steaming, and his voice dropped. "I noticed." He stepped out of the tub and looked at himself in the mirror. He was emerald green from head to foot. He reached for the towel as Will fetched his other set of clothes from the drawer they stayed in.

Dry but still green, Jack tried to don the clothes. They had been stitched completely closed. Jack screamed in frustration. "Whelp! I need something to wear!"

Will rummaged through the drawers. Nothing. "I'll get something for you." He ran out to find some clothes. Arriving a few minutes later, he gave Jack a green and white bundle. "It's all I could find."

Jack held the clothes up. There was a white shirt, with green breeches and a green waistcoat. Jack looked daggers at Will, but put the clothes on, putting his hat and boots on as well.

Will shrugged. "I told you, it's all I could find, unless you want me to get your dirty clothes back. But I think they already started on them, so they're soaking wet and full of soap."

"Never mind, whelp. I'll wear these till ye can get my extra set of clothes fixed, eh?"

Will smiled agreeably, grabbing the oddly sewn clothes. "All right." He began working with his dagger at the ends.

Jack walked out of the cabin to try to find something that would make him a bit less green, and stopped upon opening the door and finding himself drenched. He took a whiff. It was perfume. /Great! Now I smell like a whorehouse in mid summer!/ He proceeded up the stairs to the helm, watching his step to miss the tar puddle, but it had miraculously disappeared.

Anna Maria gasped. Gibbs stared, bug-eyed, pulled out his pocket flask, poured it over the side and crossed himself. He'd never seen a leprechaun in pirate hat and boots before.

"Anna Maria, by any chance, do you happen to know of something that will take dye out of skin and hair?"

Anna Maria giggled. "Jack, you're green!"

"I noticed."

"What are ye doin' in that green suit?"

"My clothes didn't fit today. Now, about the dye?"

"Ye might try lye soap."

"It was the soap that did this to me!"

"Well, dye does wear off of skin eventually."

"And what about my hair? My beard? What about my bloody eyebrows?!"

Gibbs sniffed. "Well, Cap'n, Cotton's parrot shouldn't be botherin' ye anymore. Ye smell a lot better." He tried to hold in his laughter. So did Anna Maria.

Just then, a purple and orange streak ran past Jack. He looked down. Two little red eyes looked up at him. He picked the animal up. "Kali! Who did this to you?!" He looked over his prized female albino ferret. She'd been dyed purple and orange in a tiger design. He saw something blue hiding near the helm. He put out his hand. "Come here, Satan." The male albino ferret waddled over to his hand to be picked up. He was royal blue with pink polka dots all over him. Jack was almost in tears. He held both ferrets above his head and yelled, "Which one of you sons of whores did this to my babies?!"

The crew that was on deck looked at the sight and tried not to laugh. Jack caught a few titters running through the crowd, but couldn't identify the culprits, as everyone was smiling and trying to hide it. He put the ferrets down and took the helm, livid. Anna Maria and Gibbs left the helm as quickly as they dared.

By three o'clock, Jack had calmed considerably, though he still wanted to keelhaul the culprit that dyed his ferrets. "Sails ho!" was called from the crow's nest. Jack grabbed his spyglass and looked in the direction that the lookout was pointing. He saw a rather familiar-looking ship in his glass. It looked like it should be able to be seen with the naked eye, and it looked like the Dauntless! He looked again without the spyglass. Nothing. He looked through the spyglass again: The Dauntless sat majestically in the water. He thought he could even see Norrington at the rail, watching him. He noticed that it wasn't moving. He turned the spyglass around. Someone had painted a tiny picture of the Dauntless on the glass. He threw down the spyglass, fuming. Soon, the lookout called all clear, that it was a gull in the water much closer than he'd thought. Jack decided to have the man fitted with glasses if he let him live that long.

At dusk, Will walked out of the Captain's cabin and went to the rail, looking out at the sea. Jack figured that he could use some sea-gazing right now, tied off the wheel and joined Will. They looked out at the unending sea together, watching the dolphins playing off the bow and the sailfish occasionally diving out of the water. The sight made Jack smile: It was the first NORMAL thing he'd seen all day. In fact, as he thought about it, Will reading wasn't really all that NORMAL either. He turned to the boy and smiled. "Will, luv. What were you reading back when I came into the cabin?"

"Just some sonnets. I felt like reading, and it was handy." He looked at Jack and tried to stifle a giggle, failing miserably. "Jack, we've GOT to do something about the green. And the smell. I mean, it's a nice smell, but it's just not YOU." He started giggling uncontrollably.

Jack raised an eyebrow, scowled, and shoved the boy in frustration. Will fell backward, slipping on a brush on the deck and fell to the deck, hitting his head, unconscious. Jack panicked, grabbing the boy in his arms. "Will! Wake up!" Nothing. Jack cradled him in his arms and brought him into the cabin, laying him on the bed. He examined his head and found no blood or bump, but still the boy wouldn't wake up. "Oh Will! Please don't leave ol' Jack! I'm so sorry for pushin' ye! Please wake up and forgive an old man who loves you!"

Will didn't move. His breathing was irregular. Jack just stood over him and held his head to his chest. He didn't notice many of the crew gathering just inside his door. He bent his head down and kissed Will on the forehead. Will stopped breathing. "WILL! DON'T DIE ON ME!" He started crying and hugging Will's head to his chest, moaning.

After close to a minute, he felt a poke to his shoulder from below. He looked down, loosing his grip on Will. Will reached up and kissed him on the nose, quite alive and smiling. "April Fools, Jack."

Jack heard laughter all around him, but he only had eyes—very hard eyes—for Will. His voice was almost a whisper he was so mad. "You did this to me?" Will nodded. "All of this?" Will nodded again. "Whelp, if ye EVER, EVER try anything like this again, I'll keelhaul ye. Do you understand?"

Will giggled. "Jack, you're beautiful when you're green."

Jack couldn't help but laugh.



End