Dark Shadows Over Time

By Alia

Disclaimer: Sam Beckett, Al Calavicci and all things Quantum Leap belong to Donald P Bellisario and 'Universal' anything else eg; the words here in and the idea for this piece of fan fiction belong solely to me. No copyright infringement intended. Thanks must also go to beta readers Trent and Lori.

Warning: This a M/M story rated NC 17 and contains course language and graphic non consensual sex scenes between two men. Anyone not of age should exit now.

By Alia
--------------

It was dark. Darkness so intense it enveloped everything including myself. Mind, body and soul. Sound, smell and sensation were gone, no longer mine. Time passed at a excruciatingly delayed rate, until finally the impending leap beckoned and I was transported through time and space to a new beginning.

Arrival was never going to be my favorite part of leaping. Those initial few seconds while my senses focused and I became one with my host were ultimately filled with trepidation, and a vulnerability that I could only liken to walking an invisible tight rope unaided by any sensory ability.

After six and half years it still hadn't gotten any easier. Why I thought it would, I can't rightly say. Wishful thinking perhaps. I had however learnt a few tricks over the years to alleviate the process so it was at least bearable. Namely, to expect the unexpected and to just pretty much roll with the punches when necessary. And of course there was the fact my faith in Al and the others I'd left behind at Project Quantum Leap was very much intact. That and my belief that God, fate, chance or what ever the still unknown force was that had taken charge of my project and was now controlling my leaps simply wouldn't allow any real harm to befall me during those terrifying first few seconds. *Why then?* I asked myself, as my inevitable awareness grew, did I have a the unignorible feeling that this time was going to be different.

Darkness begets light, we are told as children, and from the dark into the light we all must tread, never to return. Unusual quotes, maybe. Where they had come from and why they'd popped into my mind now was a mystery. They did seem to fit somehow though. My faith wavered minutely as the waiting seemed eternal, rebirth coming unexpectedly sudden, and then in a split second reached breaking point as the very first of me senses returned and focused in one mind jolting scream. Al, my mind summoned as the shrill close by grew.

Suffocating humidity, oppressive and inescapable. Pain, brutal and unforgiving. I was on my knees, head bowed, my arms held out in front of me, fingers clinging blindly to a worn metallic surface. Shoulders and back tensed, burning along with every inch of my being, taut muscles bracing my body against an unseen force behind me. Fiery tendrils snaked their way from a point below the base of my spine and spread, rising, until its unmistakable origin reached my cerebrum. *Al, oh my god Al.* I struggled, fighting furiously to reason my growing hysteria down to no avail as my position became abundantly clear. *Al please....* Ultimately like the darkness it consumed me and my ability to think rationally fled.

The distinctive sound of a weapon readying to fire in close proximity to my head and the commanding tone of Al's voice halted my efforts to move instantly.

"Don't move." My observer ordered. "Not an inch, Sam." He barked.

The strong hands of my assailant intensified their iron grip on my hips as I fought a silent war of indecision. Wincing inwardly, I did as Al had instructed, too afraid to do anything, yet afraid my compliance meant acceptance of the heinous act. My head swam with images of the scene I had found myself in but not yet seen. The disembodied screams I'd heard since arrival slowly became sobs as the assault on me continued.

I closed my eyes and heart to as much of it as I could, forcing myself to simply listen to Al's voice. "You're okay." He stated repeatedly. "It's almost over, trust me Sam. It's almost over." He implored.

Finally it did end. The heart felt sobs, now only whimpers in the distance. The rough hands grew gentler somehow sliding around my stomach and up my chest, tugging me backward. Releasing my fingers I moved as guided, sitting as best I could in the small confides of what I realized was a bathtub. Obviously male hands now laying comfortably around my waist semi-submerged under the luke-warm water.

"Take the prisoner back." Commanded my captor, his voice loud in me ears as each word sent a chilled expulsion of breath along the side of my heated face. For the briefest of moments I was relieved beyond words. It had to be me, I thought. Lifting my gaze, I instantly saw my mistake. The rifle I'd known was there lowered and the man holding it stepped back to join his companion. Both were dressed in North Vietnamese Army uniforms, the man they flanked, worn the torn remains of the uniform of the same era. Infantry, my Swiss-cheesed brain remarked. Quite plainly, the young man was barely able to stand unsupported, one arm fell lifeless at his side, shoulders sagged forward in defeat. His youthful face, bloodied and beaten, streaked with tears. Shed for unimaginable loss, for me, my host, I reminded myself. Anguished eyes locked with mine briefly reflecting all that had taken place here tonight. I dropped my gaze as they dragged him away, grateful he didn't resist. Al followed the trio once they'd left us, passing through the closed door and disappearing from sight momentarily. Fearful and alone, I cringed in the arms of the man behind me.

It couldn't have been more then a couple of seconds before Al returned and stood once again at my side but I almost wished he hadn't. I watched under guarded eyes as he drew the hand link from his jacket pocket and immediately began the process of entering data into the small machine. "You're okay, Sam." He stated just glancing in my general direction, his attention focused on the small device in his hands.

'I'm not, I wanted to say. Who are you trying to convince, I wanted to ask.' Instead I remained mute, ashamed and humiliated praying for an end, not only for the leap but for everything.

Other than my own rapid breathing and a occasional sound from the hand link a extended period of silence followed. The bath water grew cold, not helping my state in the least. I managed to push the dark thoughts back for the time being, accepting them as part of what I diagnosed as the early stages of shock. To lessen the effects of full manifestation, I knew I needed to get warm, seek medical attention and talk to Al in that order.

Eventually the man behind me spoke, soft even tones against my resistant cheek. His initial question oddly intimate considering the circumstances. But before I had a opportunity to ponder it's meaning or answer for myself Al spoke for me. "No Commander." He said.

Not completely understanding why I simply repeated the words. And so began the strange three way conversation between prisoner, hologram and captor with the commander doing most of the talking. For my part Al supplied me with the appropriate replies even though it appeared no Commander, or yes Commander was all that was required. Finally, apparently gaining no satisfaction from my answers he directed me to lean forward.

"Get up Sam, quickly." Al instructed. Relieved, I did as I was told, rising awkwardly. Gathering the scatted clothing strewn around the tub, rejecting the idea of searching for a towel I dressed a fast as possible. Following Al's lead I folded the too large trousers over at the waist until they rested on my hips, donned the shirt and moved hesitantly to where Al was standing in the center of the sparsely furnished room.

"Here, Sam." He said pointing to a small bowl on the desk. "This is for you." He explained.

Examining the bowl I discovered it was filled with a clear liquid, a single unfiltered cigarette lay beside the bowl and I instantly understood it's meaning and wanted no part in it.

No, I motioned to my observer, resisting the implication associated with acceptance of what was obviously payment. "Take it, Sam, and you can go." Al promised.

Regretfully, I was in no position to argue the indignities already inflicted on myself with Al. All I really wanted was to get out of here, as far away from this place and the man who had assaulted me as possible. He had disappeared as soon as he'd risen from the tub into the adjoining room, but he would return soon enough and with out his approval I knew I would not leave. Also there was no doubt in mind one or both of the guards I had seen earlier was standing post outside, I wouldn't get very far if I did try to run. What further injustices would I be expected to suffer when I was caught?

Taking Al at his word, I looked once more at the items set out before me. I had no choose I told myself. I stowed the cigarette in my shirts torn pocket and brought the bowl quickly to my lips, swallowing without tasting I drained the small receptacle and returned it to the desk. It was only then that I came eye to eye with Al. Even though he had been with me through most of the ordeal I had not sought to look into those knowing eyes for fear of rejection. What I now saw surprised me. I had expected Al's expression to mirror my own, but there was none of the shame and repulsion I felt. If anything his usually expressive face was emotionless.

"Al." I began, keeping my voice purposely low. "I need.....I need to talk to you."

"I know Sam, but it will have to wait until......" He said quietly, his gaze drifting passed me.

"So, lieutenant, we return to the beginning." It was the commander. I hadn't heard him return. Startled, I froze. Immediately dropping his eyes and taking a small step backward, Al answered as the commander approached. Repeating the words spoken by my friend I turned cautiously to face the man.

He was younger than I imagined, approximating Al's weight and height. Small dark eyes damning me as he drew closer, the sudden urge to back away was overpowering, and for the sake of my safety, I didn't fight it.

"You play games, lieutenant."

"No, Commander." I answered without assistance.

Half turning to Al for help, unable to fathom the commanders last statement I was met with the sight I would not of believed if I had not seen it for myself. My friend of more than twenty years, a highly decorated two star Admiral with a long prestige career, his eyes still cast downward as if waiting for permission to raise them.

----*----

The guards came then and I was taken away, lead the short distance across a sodden compound and delivered at the step of a small hut. Al had walked beside me, relaying what information had already been gained about the leap and then directing me to climb the stairs. I managed the first one before the bile I had been holding down rose almost without warning. Reaching over the stairs I emptied the content of my stomach onto the ground. The two guards scoffed to one another and left me where I stood, bracing my still convulsing body on the side of the hut. Al at least waited until I had finished before urging me inside. Not quite recovered, the smell of unwashed bodies and human misery reached my over sensitive senses the instant I stepped across the threshold, stinging my eyes and making me gag once more. There was nothing left to bring up though my stomach lurched and retracted so much that vomiting anything up at all would of brought a welcome relief to my parched throat.

Following the small amount of light that generated from my observer, I made my way through the darken interior to the rear of the building. Dropping to my knees, I settled close to where I could see Al standing, the hand link blinking in his hand, acting as a beacon, my mind recounting my thoughts from arrival. 'From the darkness into light we all must tread.' I remembered now where the phrase came from. They had been words taught to me by a kind-faced woman who's name escaped me, meant as a promise that all would be well if I followed what was taught. A prayer toward my salvation, I hoped. My body beaten and abused would heal, my mind I feared would take much longer. 'From ignorance to understanding.' I repeated silently to myself. 'Darkness into the light, forgive those their ignorance for they have not found what peace understanding brings.'

Al had continued the task of filling me in as soon as I signaled to him I had found a semi-comfortable position on the timber floor. He had wandered around the hut as I had adjusted and then readjusted myself until I was laying half on my stomach and half on my side, my back to the other occupants slumbering near by. One of whom had stirred and moaned a little when we had entered and continued to whimper intermittently. I had watched Al go to him and check the apparently still sleeping man, my friend attending the other much like a mother checking a sleeping child disturbed my nightmares. Now he sat cross legged beside me, light from the floor of the imaging chamber circled him reaching a hand toward home, I rested it in the warm blue light.

After listening to the seemingly endless amount of data Al had acquired, I began to drift. I couldn't remember a leap where Al had arrived so quickly and with so much information.

I was a prisoner of war. The year 1973. The camp where I was being presently held was approximately thirty miles from San Hoi and I, the lieutenant, had been here almost a year along with the majority of the other men. The newest members of the group, Private Jeffrey Marsh was my reason for leaping in. He would die very soon, according to Al.

"Two days from now he'll be found hanging from that beam." Al was saying now, motioning to a point behind me. Twisting around, I strained to see where he was indicating. Overhead, approximately ten feet above where I was laying, a number darken shapes stood out against the background of the roof.

Shifting for a better view of the roof, I propped myself up on one elbow. My fingers came in contact with a small area on the back of my head that was swollen and extremely tender to touch. Upon further investigation, I discovered the hair around the seeping abrasion was mattered and sticky. By texture alone, I confirmed my suspicions. It was blood, my blood.

"I'm hurt, Al" I told him, offering my hand for inspection. The wound must of been sustained before I arrived as I knew I hadn't been struck since.

Al glanced at my hand thoughtfully for a moment before looking back up toward the roof of the hut, dismissing my statement without so much as a mention.

"Al."

"Rifle butt, Sam." He informed me still looking skyward.

Perceiving Al's lack reaction to my injuries to be disinterest, I withdrew the my hand. I shouldn't have felt as hurt as I did. He had been a pillar of strength to me during my ordeal. Quite plainly, his swift arrival and guidance through that time had undoubtedly saved my life, as he had on countless occasions in the past. Al was not only my lifeline to home, he was my friend, observer, the only individual I remembered with some clarity from my own time. I cared more for him than anyone else in the world. I loved him and believed, despite his current behavior, that he loved me.

Al's behavior while we'd been in the Commander's quarters had been unusually business-like, bordering on cold. Even now after we had achieved this tenuous privacy he was still maintaining the detached demeanor he had adopted.

Creeping through the darkness along the floor of the hut, the sounds and sensations of my arrival came back to me. The pain that covered the majority of my lower body and the blood on my hands served as a cruel reminder to it all. Heat, pain, and fear tugged at me from all around. Shuddering slightly under the renewed onslaught of emotions, I wiped my fingers clean on the drawn up leg of my trousers and lay my head down on my folded arm, closing my eyes. It wasn't enough. I could still feel his hands on me, still see the vile scene I had leaped into replayed over and over in my minds eye.

Curling into myself, I lay trembling until sounds of obvious discomfort from Al pulled me out of my nightmarish reverie.

Groaning as he untangled his legs, Al stood. Rubbing the small of his back, he bent and while juggling the hand link, offered the same treatment to both of his knees.

"That's all I got at the moment. I have to go now, Sam." He announced, raising the hand link and entering the required code for the imaging chamber door. He was leaving.

Surprised by Al's sudden need to leave, I pulled myself up again quickly. Craning my neck to look at my observer, I tried to delay him. "Don't go yet, please Al. I need to talk to you...about before." I whispered, aware even though Al had assured me the other men in the hut were asleep that we were not alone.

"Try not to think about it, Sam. Trust me, it's easier if you don't." Al said raising the hand link once more, this time opening chamber door.

"I can't help it. I can't not think about it, Al. I ache all over, can't you stay a little longer. Please?"

"You're okay, Sam, and you need to get some rest." My observer answered firmly. "You'll need to be alert tomorrow and for however long your here."

Rationally, I knew I was here for duration of the leap, but hearing Al say it made me cringe. I didn't know if I could bear to face more than a few hours in this place, let alone a few days. *What if what had happened to me when I leaped in happened again? Al had said the day after tomorrow was when the private would be found. What if that wasn't why I was here?* Maybe there was something else and we haven't discovered it yet, it might mean I would be here longer. "Al, I'm frightened. I don't know that I can do this." I whispered again, no longer ashamed to admit how afraid I really was.

"I know you're frightened, kid. But you'll have to get past it, Sam. Private Marsh needs you and you have to focus on that, okay?"

The coldness in Al's voice felt like I had literally been slapped. I was confused, afraid beyond my own imaging, sick to my heart from the violation I had not an hour ago experienced and completely at a loss to understand Al's odd behavior. The imaging chamber door had remained open behind him as we spoke and I realized then that he had no intention of closing it.

"Al, I don't understand you. Why you are acting like this? Don't you care that I'm hurt?" I was almost afraid of his answer, his lack of interest so far and the blankness in his eyes was as unfeeling as ever I had seen them. Al was not a man who generally wore his heart on his sleeve but credit where credit was due he had always acknowledged other's pain in the past, especially mine.

"Of course I care, Sam. But I have to go back and check on the lieutenant. I can't stay here with you for the entire leap. You'll be okay until I can get back to you."

"No, please, Al, don't go." I was speaking louder now, caught up in the panic that had gripped me without warning. Rising to my knees I reached for him, my hand falling back to my side in defeat seconds later. It was useless; I couldn't touch him or stop him if he was intent on leaving. Despite the presence of the hut's other occupants, I was alone and had been since the moment I arrived.

"Shhh. Stop it, Sam. Settle down." Al urged me. Finally he closed the chamber door and after casting a watchful glance around the hut knelt down in front of me. Thankfully, my raised voice had not disturb the other men.

"Sam, you've leaped in situations worse than this." He told me, though for the life of me I couldn't imagine what could possibly be worse than this.

"When, Al? Please tell me." I asked, trying to give myself something to compare my current turmoil with. Relieved that Al was at least not going to leave me alone immediately, I did manage to reign in my spiraling control. Breathing heavily and still shaking I waited for Al to answer my question but after a moment or two it appeared that when put to the test, he couldn't actually come up with a time when things had been bleaker than what they were now.

"You can't think of one, can you Al?"

"It's not that, Sam." He said wearily after I prompted him to continue our discussion. "I just don't see why you'd want to talk about it. It's not like you haven't found yourself in intimate positions before."

I found Al's attitude absurd under the circumstances. He was right, of course; I had on a number of leaps arrived when my host was in the midst of a sexual encounter. But to my knowledge, sex between consenting adults, no matter what the gender ratio, and rape were two different things.

"It's not the same, Al and you know it." I said bitterly, keeping my voice low. "That man, the commander... raped me and your carrying on like this is any other leap."

Something happened then, I'm not sure what. Al's cool business like manner changed. His glare spoke of anger, disgust and something I couldn't name. Shaking his head he stared down at the hand link in his hands and by the time he looked back at me his expression had reverted back to the eerie vacancy that I was beginning to find unnerving.

"It wasn't rape, Sam." He returned firmly.

"What?"

"He didn't rape you. What happened was consensual, Sam."

"I had rifle pointed at me, Al, or didn't you notice that?" I spat. I hadn't intended to sound so sarcastic, but my disbelief had turned very quickly to anger. What Al was telling me didn't make any sense.

I understood what had happened to me was difficult for Al, who had been as powerless as myself to stop it. It went beyond the general brutality one associated with war or imprisonment, far beyond anything I had ever considered before now. Al had said very little about the time he had spent as a P.O.W over years I had known him, choosing, I had assumed, to put it behind him and move on from whatever bad memories that time held for him, very much like what he was trying to get me to do now. Even so, it didn't explain his obvious reluctance to acknowledge the true nature of the attack.

"Sam, you of all people know that not everything is as it first appears." He answered after rising to his feet.

"You're wrong. How can you say that?! How can you pretend what he did to me doesn't matter? Why Al? Why?" Lost again, confused. Searching my observer's face for answers, I found none.

Callous was not a word I would have ever thought of to use when describing Al, but his treatment of myself and the situation couldn't be described any other way. My nightmare was getting steadily worse. Al was still holding eye contact, but I could see that he was finding it increasingly difficult to maintain until finally he did look away.

What I was asking for was simple enough. It would answer so much right now if only Al would tell me why this was happening. Why he was treating me this way? Why had he refused to admit what had really happened? I did not attempt to stop the tears that welled in my eyes and fell down my cheeks, stinging the scratched and bruised skin.

First, he'd been unwilling to discuss the events in which I had leaped into. Now, I was being told they were something they were not. What was I being asked to consider, that the man I had replaced was involved in some perverse relationship with the commander? That he had willing allowed himself to be taken in front of the others who had been there? What of the younger man he had seen briefly, who's screams would stay with me to my grave I felt as they echoed in my memory of what I could still feel on my flesh and in my soul.

It was too much. I turned away from where my observer still stood and lay down. Closing my eyes, I listened to the sounds of the others around me as they slept. The familiar sound of the chamber door opening and closing came not long after and I was alone again in the dark, more afraid and confused than I ever remember being, deeply saddened that when I needed him most Al had turned his back on me, cutting me off from everything that I still held dear to me and prayed one day would return to. Home was further away now then it ever had been in all the years I had been leaping.

---*----

Sunrise came after an seemingly endless night. Al had returned several times but we had not spoken on any occasion. I watched him check the sleeping men and glance in my direction. Once again, he paid special attention to the same man he had been concerned with previously. Bending over the sleeping man, speaking low to the restless form, even though he knew the man whether awake or asleep couldn't possibly hear him.

It had started to rain after Al had left me the first time and become a steady down pour that lasted most of the night. Somehow it seemed right, an omen perhaps that when it stopped, the world around me would be cleaner. At best it would alleviate some of the heat and oppression that filled the air. I had been tempted to go outside to relieve myself a number of times and wash, but fear that I would encounter one of the guards had stopped me.

Silently I had laid half awake and half asleep listening to the rain and praying that the new day would not only bring a speedy solution to the leap but some explanation to why Al was acting so strange. And why he believed that I had miss-interpreted the Commander's assault.

Of all people, I know, what appears is not necessarily so. You can't always trust what you see and hear. Was Al right? Had the lieutenant agreed to the Commander's demands? Even so, I had not. It didn't change anything.

What I had learned about the leap was more than I usually had to go on, but I couldn't remember if the Private Al had mentioned had killed himself or been murdered. From past experience, I calculated that a murder in a P.O.W camp was not my reason for being summoned here. If he had killed himself, it meant there was a greater purpose to his life than to be simply another casualty of war. As light filtered through the open door way and the others stirred, I thought about last night and looked around at what despair welcomed these men and I had little trouble understanding why one, if not all of them, would choose to end it.

Private Marsh turned out to be not only the same man who witnessed my humiliation when I arrived, but also who Al had visited periodically through the night. He was young, no more than nineteen or twenty fair haired,. Tall when he stood and unmistakably very good looking. More than an hour passed before he spoke to anyone, and when he did, his rich Australia accent drew all attention to him. His right arm held tightly to his chest was obviously injured. I couldn't help think how I'd seen he him struggle in the commander's quarters, how his pleas had gone unanswered and how he been forced to watch. His motive for killing himself was abundantly clear and even though I hadn't actually spoken to him yet, I felt as though I understood him better than anyone. After my own ordeal I had serious doubts concerning my ability to help him, let alone stop him?

The other's didn't mention what they must have heard or what they may have suspected had gone on. Private Marsh's shoulder had been dislocated and had to be reset. Our medic was not much older than Marsh. Private Steven 'Steve' Thorn had spent eight months studying to be a paramedic in Chicago before he joined up. This piece of information was announced to the resisting patient as I watched him assisted by two other men administer the oldest form of anesthetic on Marsh. Out cold, Marsh's shoulder was reset and he was settled carefully in one of back corner 's of the hut, not far from where I had lay last night.

As the morning pressed on, I spoke with the others, learning the routine by listening and watching them. The rain had let up a little, but Al had not come back again by the time we were assembled in the compound outside of the hut. With Steve's help, Marsh joined the group. Standing next to me, he joked with others about the weather. All in all with scarcely any resources, their combined spirits were surprisingly high.

At the same time the Commander stepped from his quarters, Al appeared behind him. Dressed in his white uniform, Al stood aside from everyone as the Commander spoke with his men and than very briefly to myself and other prisoners. Dog tags which I hadn't thought about before were produced along with a clip board from which names and ranks were read. It was only then that I thought of the lieutenants identity. Al hadn't given my host a name and since my arrival I had only been addressed as Lieutenant. Listening more closely now, I tried to figure out who I was amongst the others, missing the first two or three names before I realized that this would give me a clue to the man I had replaced. Was he still alive? And if he was, what strength had he called on to survive the time he had spent here?

The rain had stopped completely and the sun was shining when the Commander returned to his quarters with the last of the proceedings conducted by the man's second-in-command. The group was dispersed then with each man going their own way. Feeling a little lost, I took the opportunity to survey the camp. Looking around, I could see three huts other than that of the commander's and the one I had exited. The camp boundaries were easily defined spanning an area of perhaps a little over an acre. A water tower, now overflowing stood in what I guessed marked the center of the camp. A guard was posted on top of the structure and as I stood and watched he was relieved by another. I glanced away quickly when the new man returned my stare with interest.

Al had continued to keep his distance throughout the time the Commander had spoken to us. He moved closer when the other man started to wander away, but did not approach until I had completed familiarizing myself with my surroundings and headed for a little privacy around the side of the hut.

"Hi, Sam. How it's going?" Al inquired casually.

I nodded in return and folded my arms across my chest, deciding I would keep my part of the conversation as quite as possible. Al caught on almost immediately.

"Good idea. No need to draw any undue attention to yourself, Sam." He said walking along side.

We walked a little past the hut towards a mound of soil. At first glance I considered it was a grave but with a closer look I realized it was most probably a disused dump or latrine. Al's attention appeared to be focused elsewhere even when we stopped walking and I took a seat on the risen ground he continued to study the hand link and offered no more by way of conversation. After last night, I had little hope he would ask me if I was okay. In Al's eyes, I was and there seemed little I could do to convince him differently.

Al was a man who's beliefs and prejudices had shaped his entire out look on what had happened to me. I had no doubt that if I had leaped into a woman his reaction would been completely different. The idea that one man could rape another was absurd to a man like Al, impossible. At that, I had second thoughts about whether I could actually discuss the subject at all with him. The part that confused and angered me the most was that knowing Al's past stance on homosexuality that he found it easier to believe that the Lieutenant had been a willing participant and that made what had happened to me unimportant.

"I met Marsh this morning Al." I said when I was sure no one could hear me.

"That's good, Sam. You'll have to keep a close eye on him from now on. Ziggy thinks he had help, but I'm not convinced."

"So it was suicide?"

"Yeah, the kid killed himself." This said as my observer finally looked up from the link. He looked bone tired, dark shadows under his eyes meant he had not slept either. "He left a girlfriend and a bunch of family members wondering why, too." Staring back toward the hut, Al stowed the hand link in his trouser pocket. Extracting a cigar from another, he lit it and drew deeply for a few moments before he spoke. "From what we have found out Marsh and the Lieutenant were pretty close. Spend some time with him Sam, you maybe able to find out what set him off."

"He was there last night, Al. Don't you or Ziggy think maybe that had something to do with it?" Anger had clipped my words more than I had wished. Regrettably it had the most obvious response.

"Under no circumstances will you discuss last night with Private Marsh, Sam. Do you understand me?" Al returned abruptly. He glared at me much the way he had in the hut, challenging me to argue with him.

"Why?" I asked again. Why, to so many things I desperately needed answers to and did not understand.

Al was silent, listening I thought. For not the first time I got the impression he was not alone in the imaging chamber. Over the years I had known others, Gooshie and Verbena mostly, had been with Al when we spoke. Of course I couldn't see them, and Al never spoke directly to any one other than myself and sometimes Gooshie, but there were others times when things were clearly difficult for Al I felt that someone else was with him helping me through him.

I took a chance that I was right and Verbena had indeed decided her expertise was required. "Is Verbena there with you, Al? What does she think I should do with Marsh?" Not allowing him time to stop me, I continued. "Does she think I should do what you want and pretend he had not watched his commanding officer raped by the enemy? That his efforts had been a waste?" I ran out of words to describe what Private Marsh had gone through. No matter what I said, it would not release my frustration enough for me to heal even a small part of my hurt.

Al flinched, whatever was being said to him by the unseen person had cut close to the bone. He turned from the other and in a split second before the door opened I saw the brightness in his eyes and realized that what I hadn't heard had brought Al to the verge tears. Relief, satisfaction at his ordeal lighten my heart a fraction and then nothing, alone I sat on the damp soil.

I knew Al would return, and when he did I could only prayer that he would tell me what the hell was going on with him, the Lieutenant and this whole leap.

-----*-----

Stallions Gate, New Mexico. 15th of May 2001.

"What on earth do you think you are doing, Admiral?"

With his shoulders slumped forward and his back turned to hide the tears he had been unable to stop, the man whispered his answer. "I don't know, Verbena. I don't know what I'm doing or how to help Sam any more."

Turning into the same strong arms that had eased him to face her, Al clung to the women as if his life depended on it, sobbing quietly as she soothed away the trauma that had reawaken old wounds.

"I'm sorry, Al" She spoke softly against him, coaxing the shuddering body to settle. "You need rest..."

"No. I can't leave Sam alone for too long." He said cutting her off, struggling in her arms until she released him.

"Sam will be okay for awhile, Al. I can have Gooshie check on him, if you like." Al appeared unconvinced but still Verbena pressed. "When you're rested, you and I need to have a talk. I know you don't want to and I understand you believe nothing can be achieved, but you must talk about it. Sam does need you and you are the only one who can help him through this. You've been there, Al."

Slowly, he nodded. "I don't know that I can talk to you or any one else about this." Al offered. "It's been so many years. I thought..."

"You thought what, Al? That it couldn't hurt you any more, that after thirty years what you and the others went through didn't matter? Wouldn't affect you? Am I getting close, my friend?"

"Yes." He said evenly, answering all questions with a single word.

----*-----

Several hours later, Al had entered Verbena's office as agreed, now dressed in faded blue jeans and a light weight denim shirt, he took his seat before an invitation could be offered. Pulling off his shoes, he rested sock-covered feet on the arm rest of the leather sofa that took up one entire wall of the room.

The women smiled from behind her desk. The contents of Admiral Albert Calavicci personal file spread across the blotter in front of her. As always it was interesting reading. The Admiral was a complex man who's life had spanned six and half decades. His mind as multi-layered as the years he had lived.

Gathering up the many pieces of loose leaf sheets she returned them to the folder. "Don't get too comfortable, Admiral. I don't find this kind of therapy overly helpful if my patients fall asleep."

Rising, she approached him speculatively, he looked relaxed enough but past experience with the man had left her suspicious of his intentions to actually disclose anything she maybe able to use to help either him or Sam. Though, she reminded herself, he had come to her as she had requested and that alone was a promising sign.

Sitting back up again Al's face grew serious. "I have no intention of falling asleep, Doctor. Just trying for the full effect." He smiled then, a little uncomfortable with his surrounding and own behavior, Verbena thought. Coffee was offered and after they both sat again, they began.

"This has to be a first, Al." Verbena offered as they settled comfortably opposite one another. He nodded in return, agreeing with the psychiatrists observation. "Where would you like to begin?" She asked, adding a little push to get him started. "I thought maybe we could talk about what's happening between you and Sam at the moment."

"Okay. I suppose you've noticed we're not exactly seeing eye to eye on this leap." Al said, as if the whole situation perplexed him. "It's just too close to home I guess. It's brought up stuff I don't want to remember, let alone talk about. I'm sorry, Verbena. I know you think this will help, but how can Sam knowing all this make it any easier for him while he's me?"

"You haven't even told him he's leaped into you, Al. Don't you think that alone will give him hope? He knows you, knows what kind of man you are now."

"It would, if he remembered who I am, what I was to him. That I think that's what pushed him away in the first place." Al fell silent at the last omission, guilt on what he believed was Sam reasons for testing the accelerator chamber before the retrieval program was working properly.

In Al's eyes Sam had been so desperate to escape what his long time friend was offering him he had risked his own life to get away. This piece of information had taken Al four years to admit to.

Drunk as he had been on the three previous anniversaries of Sam's departure from the present back into the past, Al had disclosed what Verbena had suspected when she had first been introduced to Admiral Calavicci by the younger and very energetic Sam Beckett. The older man was in love with him and for whatever reasons he couldn't see it.

Al seem to grow bolder as he grew drunker. She had listened to how after years Al had finally told Sam how he felt. This came about only months before Sam leaped and, according to Al, saw the end of their brief and awkward physical relationship. The awkwardness had not surprised Verbena, Sam was as straight-laced as they came. Something as new as a sexual relationship with another man must of been very difficult adjustment for a man like Sam, who she believed had only ever had female partners before.

"I don't believe that Sam saw the chamber as a means to flee his life here, Al. Time was Sam's enemy, not you or what the two of you found in one another. I haven't spoken to Sam in regards to your relationship in many years, but what I remember of that last time was he loved you as a friend and mentor. He never mentioned that the two of you had gone beyond that, but that doesn't mean he was ashamed of it. It just says he wasn't ready to share it with me yet."

"He couldn't talk about it with me either. Did I tell you that.? Al said quietly, leaning back against the back of the sofa. Reminiscing about something that was obviously still hard to believe.

"Yes, you did, Al. And that's why you feel he left."

"Yeah."

"What kind of things did you want to talk about with him? I know you already mentioned the change between both of you. Was it some specific topic he wouldn't discuss?" Verbena had a fair idea what it was. Al had hinted at it the first time they had spoken about his relationship with their absent director, but he was drunk enough that night not to remember everything he had told her.

"Sex, Verbena. He wouldn't go any further than kissing and petting. He wouldn't even talk about it. Shut down every time I tried to move things along. Said he wasn't sure he'd ever be able to give me what I wanted from him." The last was said so bitterly Verbena was sure Al wouldn't continue with the session. They had made a little ground so far as Al's ability to speak to her candidly without the aid of alcohol. More was needed though and some how she had to make certain Al would not give up before she had a chance to discover the connection between what was happening for them now and the leap Sam was involved in.

Leaving him time to regather his thoughts the woman stood slowly and collected the now empty coffee mugs that both had set aside. Filling them she returned and offered one to the man who stared vacantly into space. "Take this Al, drink it." She gently ordered, reseating herself, watching him closely as he lifted the steaming beverage to his lips. Tentatively he sipped slowly, drinking out of habit rather than tasting. Eventually, the mug rested half empty in his lap and he raised his eyes signaling his willingness to go on. "Still with me here, Al?" Verbena inquired.

"Sure, sorry. It's hard Bena."

"I know, Al. I know none of this has been easy on you, but now I need you to talk about the other things that have happened in your life that have also been hard for you. You know what I mean, don't you?"

He nodded. This was why he had come to her. Verbena would not judge him for what he had done. It had taken a long time to realize that after all the others he had seen down through the years she was the one he could trust with the secret he had kept buried for thirty years. "Yeah, you want me to tell you about Commander Tran and what happened during the time I spent in his camp."

"It will help, Al. I promise you that much."

----*Part Two*----

Despite orders to the contrary I had used the first opportunity I found to talk to Jeffrey Marsh. It had started awkwardly with me asking the younger man directly if he needed to talk about what he'd seen the night before. His initial reaction was a flat-out no. Which didn't surprise me after what I had observed from the others and Al's insistence that I was in fact mistaken about the Commanders treatment of myself. Thankfully once I dropped the subject he seemed more willing to talk to me about everything else, including my wife. A wife it, appeared I - or rather the lieutenant - spoke of often.

Most of the men had someone waiting for them and it seemed their day-to-day existence revolved around their memories of the ones left behind and what each expected when they would be reunited. Listening to Jeffrey pour out his heart I was reminded of my absent observer. Al had told me how his love of Beth had been his saving force when he had been a POW. That and the camaraderie he had found with the other men interned with him.

The more Jeffrey talked the more I wondered about his suicide. He didn't sound like a man who was planing to take his own life, even after the trauma he had suffered. Jeffrey's life appeared set out for him - a secure job and fiancee waiting for him when he returned. Everything decided for him before he left for his tour of duty by parents that obviously loved him and wanted the best for their only son. His fiancee, who had been the center of the plans made for Jeffrey's further had been his childhood friend and sounded very much like the girl next door. He spoke of her with a kind of sincerity and devotion similar to a young man who already considered her his mate.

It was late afternoon by the time Al reappeared. He had changed his clothes and looked very much a man who had spent the best part of the day going through the wringer. Talking to Verbena I decided. Drawn and pale he bent near where I sat with some of the other men playing cards. I finished the hand already in progress and gathered my winnings of half a dozen cigarettes before joining him on the mound of dirt where we had last spoken. Thankfully the grass was completely dry now and I sat carefully checking for any one that might over hear us before asking what he wanted.

"What's up, Al? You look like death warmed over." It wasn't one of my usual greetings but it did seem appropriate.

Surprisingly he smiled, a honest and affectionate smile that lit up his aging face. "Flattery will get you your heart's desire."

Al's retort was unexpected, I didn't remember him ever being so...I didn't know what. It made me uncomfortable and very suspicious, last time we had been together I had gotten the distinct impression I was the last person on earth he wanted to be around and to be perfectly honest the feeling had been mutual. Now he was behaving as though nothing had happened. Another tactic to evade my questions I decided. The anger I had felt towards him earlier reignited quickly, pushing back up I stood and faced him. Onlookers be damned. Al and I had to have this out and now was as good a time as any.

Smiling again, at what? What was so damn funny?

"Thanks, Gooshie." Al said aloud to the Projects unseen programmer as he seated himself on a office chair which had materialized suddenly.

Lower than I was now I stepped back as he adjusted himself. With the hand link laying in his lap, Al lit one his cigars and puffed a couple of time on the Chivello before removing it from his mouth. "We need to talk, kid." He said, using the cigar to motion me to sit back down.

"I'll stand, Al." I answered defiantly.

"Suit yourself. I figured you might be more comfortable if we sat. I got a whole lot of stuff to tell you Sam and it might take awhile. But if y..."

"What the fuck is going on with you?" I spat as he continued to ramble on. My profanity was met with a stunned silence that satisfied me enough that I did sit back down near where Al hovered above the ground. "Well, what is it? You came here to tell me something didn't you Al, so spit it out and let me get back to watching the Private."

Al took another puff on his cigar before he spoke, his tone a little less friendly than before. "You talked to him didn't you, Sam? After what I said you went ahead and did it anyway."

I didn't answer.

"Geez, Sam." Al's eyes held mine, disbelief clouding his. He shook his head slowly, apparently shocked or disappointed that I would disobey him.

"I'm not one of your ensigns, Al. I've been doing this for some time now and I think I can tell when you're wrong. You're wrong Al."

"Was I? Did he want to talk about it Sam? I don't think so." He sounded smug now and I was surprised by how hurt I felt as he stared me down.

Unable to stand it, I looked away. Pulling a blade of grass from the earth at my feet I turned it in my hands as I turned over in my mind what had gone on since my leap in. The tears unbidden once again rose behind my eyes and I hastily brushed them away before they could be seen, feigning dust or the like in my eyes to cover my embarrassment. I was not given to tears often, their frequent appearance only fueled my frustration.

"No. He didn't want to talk about it." I said when I felt able to face Al again. "But he did talk to me about other things and none of what he said gave me any indication he was suicidal."

Al seemed thoughtful. "No, but I have known others like him and it doesn't necessarily mean he'd not thinking about it."

He had a valid point, there are indicators but not everyone exhibited them prior to the act. "You ever think about it Sam?" He asked after a small pause.

"What?"

"You heard me, have you ever contemplated taking your own life, Sam?"

I wasn't sure how to answer him. I still had so many holes in my memory of my life before I started leaping, of what I did remember nothing had happened to me that I felt so forsaken that I couldn't deal with. Last night had changed that, last night I had...Shaking my head only made Al press me further for an actual reply.

"What about last night?" He queried as if my mere thoughts had given me away.

"I don't know, Al. I...I wanted to stop the darkness I felt. It's hard to explain. It was something I was taught while I was growing up." I told him.

"Try."

Looking up towards the Commanders quarters, I started slowing to describe what I had felt when I was there and then after in the hut. "Darkness begets light, Al. Move out of the darkness into the light and you find understanding and forgiveness." Resting my head on my drawn up knees I took a moment to regather my thoughts on how I could make Al understand what was meant by darkness.

"You're talking about the evil men do, Sam. What the commander did to you last night, you want to able to understand it so you can move on." He said solemnly.

"Yes." This said as I glanced back at Al. His expressive face was filled with a calmness I had not seen in many years. Resolved. Ready to give me the answers I had sought since my arrival I hoped.

"It started the night the lieutenant arrived here. Being the most senior ranking prisoner he was taken to the Commanders quarters for interrogation. There he was beaten by two of the Commander's men until he could no longer fight back." I watched Al intently as he told me what had happened to the man I had replaced, my friend's voice adding no emotion to his words.

"The two guards left when it was decided that there was no risk to the Commander's safety. Alone the Commander used a knife to cut the Lieutenant's belt from his trousers and then he raped him."

"My god, Al. Why?"

"Same reasons anyone who uses rape as a weapon, I guess. To gain power, for cruelties sake, to prove supremacy." Al replied candidly before he took several long draws on the cigar he had been nursing. Revived, he continued. "He came to the next day in the hut where teve had managed to patch him up pretty well. After a couple of days or maybe it was closer to a week the same thing happened." Al stopped then and glance over at me.

This odd pause sent a shiver of fear through me as realization dawned suddenly. He was not only telling me about the Lieutenant, he was recalling what happened to himself.

"That's right, Sam you've leaped into me again." Al said quietly.

Confirmation fell over me in dark waves. My mind reeled and my chest tightened to the point I didn't feel like I could breathe. Last night had been the most terrifying experience of my life and for a minute or two I couldn't think past it, the pain and heat that had consumed me. Discomfort from my attack still reminded me of how I had been used. I had leaped into a nightmare which Al had lived. I opened my mouth to say something in response to what he had told me but the words wouldn't form enough for me to expel them. But my inability to speak for the moment appeared to be it's own reward. Al's eyes sang of unspoken gratitude and he immediately picked his up story where he had finished off.

"It took me about five or six rounds with the man before I figured out that it didn't matter whether I fought back or not, it was still going to happen, Sam. I made a choice, right or wrong it seemed to be my only chance to stay alive."

Simply nodding seemed to be the only way I could find to convey my acceptance of his confession without making a judgment. I did not trust my voice to keep the horror I felt from it. Hugging my raised knees, I rocked slowly back and forth.

"The dynamics of the camp changed after a while. New men were brought in but the Commander still found a reason to have me taken to his quarter regularly. By the time Jeff Marsh showed up, I was going nightly of my own accord."

Al arched an eyebrow in my direction, his latest omission shouldn't have taken me by surprise but it did and I suspected my expression reflected as much. Up until a few minutes ago, I had believed I had leaped into a complete stranger who had endured the unimaginable. Someone like all the others that I did not know and would help without spending a great deal time questioning their life choices. This was different, Al was my friend and even though what he was telling me was something he had tried to explain the first time we had discussed the treatment I had received at the Commander's hand. I had not really understood how he could of been so cut and dry about the situation until now.

"You did what you had to." I said quickly, finally finding voice.

"Yeah, sure Sam and I'm a masochist too."

"Don't say that. You're not." I replied looking away again, too heartsick to meet his gaze. Al had been involved with the other man on something other than that of a forced association? Really. I felt like I didn't need nor want to hear any more. Whatever had gone between the commander and Al was long dead, details weren't necessary.

"As I said, Sam, things changed. Not fighting him and just letting him fuck me wasn't enough anymore. He wanted more and after awhile so did I." Al stopped then, swallowing he seemed to be trying to gage my reaction. Long moments of silence hung between us. Shock and confusion are not easy emotions to hide from a friend and Al appeared to reading my thoughts perfectly.

"I know you don't want to hear this, Sam, but I want you to understand what it was like here. What it was like for me. God, it got so intense that I spent more time dreaming about him, Sam, than I did about Beth." Another pause, longer than was comfortable, for me at least. I wanted him to stop, to cover my ears or to just get up and walk away. I could bring myself to do none of the things that would of spared me the rest of what had to tell me. Out of the corner of my eye I watched as Al took a couple more puffs on the cigar he'd been nursing, no more than a stub now and toss it away before he spoke again.

"About a week ago, everything came to a head and the Commander decided to re-exert some control and I didn't like it. I didn't want to relinquish what I had gained with him. Last night after the sun had set, and the others had settled in for the night, I decided I wasn't going to take my usual stroll across the compound. After a while, he got the hint and sent his goons for me and when I refused to go, the bastards grabbed the kid. Must have seen him following me around like a bad smell and figured it would get a reaction out of me. Damn right too. By the time I got past the guard at the door, the kid was screaming his head off and the Commander had him spread out over that bloody desk like he was the main course at a banquet. I couldn't let him hurt Marsh like all the times he had me, Sam. Practically had to beg him to let me take the boy's place and then, well you know the rest." Al finished dryly.

I had stayed silent through the majority of what Al had told me and now that he was obviously finished, I found it difficult to know what to say. There was so much to deal with. He was watching me, his blank face a mask over a maelstrom of emotions I suspected. Waiting patiently, giving me time to respond to what must of been the most revealing disclosure of our long friendship. I won't pretend that I wasn't shocked and saddened by what Al had gone through or that his relationship with the commander perplexed me. Al had openly admitted to being a willing participant in part, though I still had my doubts on how that could be. And yet there had been the conversation between the commander and myself that had seemed far more intimate even for the association Al had described.

"Last night." I started cautiously. "The things he said, Al. I thought that they were..." I found I could not say what had come to mind, afraid of Al's reaction and what he might say in return. The Commander had said so many things to me, some were clearly meant to provoke conversation, others were.... Looking to Al for assistance, he sensed my dilemma immediately. The words I had found impossible to utter rolled off his tongue effortlessly.

"Endearments, Sam. Intimate phases between lovers."

"Oh Jesus, Al, how could you?"

The laugh that immediately erupted from Al touched my heart. Not for it's rich quality or how it's natural charm had gladdened me in our darkest moments, but for how now I realized that I had not known near enough about him to see that his laughter was covering his greatest shame. Forced in the beginning, I had no doubt about that, but he, Al my closest friend, had been infatuated with this man who had abused him.

"I'm sorry, Al but this is the last thing I ever expected from you." Shifting closer, I made sure that he was listening before I went on. He was laughing very hard now and I was beginning to become concerned. I had to make him see that I did not doubt the depths of his feelings for the commander or would I judge him because of them.

"Al, please listen to what I'm saying." Tears escaped one eye and I reached forward without thinking to brush it from his weathered face. Failure to make actual contact had been inevitable from the beginning but its futility had not gone unnoticed. Through time and space one holographic hand glided through mine, halting as his laughter died suddenly. We were so close and yet still unable to touch one another. I would of given anything to be able to hold him, to feel his arms around me for just a moment.

Fear of discovery pulled me back to my original position on the ground. Something had just happened between us and whether it was this new discovering about Al, I wasn't sure, but I felt strangely embarrassed by it.

Extracting a handkerchief from his jeans pocket, Al used it to dry his eyes. Again, I realized our conversation had been shared by someone I could not see. Al's posture shifted slighting his chair, reaching forward a glass of water appeared in his hand. Bringing it to his mouth I watched as he took several sips and then returned it to who ever had brought it to him. "Thanks" He said in appreciation, nodding once to an unheard question before turning his attention back to me.

"Are you okay, Al?"

"Sure, I'm just feeling a little beat, Sam, is all. It's been a long time since all of this happened. Kept it all locked away where we keep all bad dreams for so long that just thinking about it wears me out." He explained, tapping the side of his head as spoke.

"I do understand, Al. Not all of it, but enough. You don't have to tell me any more if you don't want to." I offered.

"Wish it was that simple." Al said as his expression grew a shade darker than moments before.

Clouds had gather above us as my observer had revealed his secrets. The sun was dipping slowly over my shoulder now, disappearing behind a cluster of dark foreboding storm clouds. Rain was not far off again, I guessed, watching one of the other men as he appear at the hut's door way. They had all been here a lot longer than I and obviously understood the weather patterns better.

Al was staring intently at me when I glanced back at him.

"What is it?" I asked.

"The Commander will expect you to go to him tonight, Sam. You will have to decide for yourself how much of what I have told you about him you can handle. I can't help you when you're with him."

The first spot of rain heralded the end of our conversation. Al offered a small and cryptic piece of advice before he departed, leaving me to ponder it implications as lighting split the sky over head.

I was not here for him, Al had told me. Private Jeffrey Marsh's life depended on me and by whatever means I choose I was to make certain that I focused only that.

----*----

Stallions Gate, New Mexico. 15th of May 2001.

"Are you okay?" Verbena asked as soon as Al exited the imaging chamber.

He nodded in response, keeping his eyes averted as they walked past the few technician on duty in main control at that time. No one spoke. All were aware a conversation between Admiral Calavicci and Doctor Beckett had just taken place but none had been privy to what had been said between the two men as they had so often in the past. A direct order from Doctor Beeks had made this particular communication confidential

"You didn't tell him the rest, Al. Can I ask you why?" The women asked once both she and the Admiral were safely behind the closed door of her office.

"No point, Verbena. He doesn't remember us they way we were and I don't see any benefit to telling him now. Sam has more information than he can deal with at the moment and I don't want to add more, it's only going to distract him from he has to do." Al answered flatly.

"I disagree. I believe Sam needs to know, Al, if he is going to complete this leap." Verbena said, seating herself at her desk as she spoke, waving her hand towards the empty chair on the other side. "Take a seat and I'll explain what I mean."

He was worn and tired, looking ten years older than he should, but she knew exactly what it was about Al Calavicci that would make him keep going. Sam Beckett.

"A couple of questions first, Al. Personal questions, okay?" She said not giving him time to refuse. Plowing in where others would fear loss of limb or worst, there was very little she didn't know about the man sitting opposite her and now was not the time to be delicate with his feelings. "Don't you want Sam to remember that part of your friendship?"

"No. And before you ask me why, ask yourself the same thing given the circumstances and what I have just told him about myself?"

"It wouldn't matter what had happened in the past. I'd want to know that someone loves me, Al. Assuming that hasn't changed of course. "

Feeling more insulted than was necessary, Al shifted uncomfortably in his chair. "Maybe I don't want to love him anymore and I don't want him to remember so I won't have to pretend that I do." He returned matter-of-factly.

"Bullshit."

"What?"

"You want me to repeat myself, Al. Okay then, what your saying is complete and utter bullshit."

Silence and then after a moment of prolonged tension between them a small grin lifted a corner of the Admiral's mouth. "You're right you know. I've tried to stop, find someone who I could be with, but it doesn't work. I guess I'm afraid Bena."

"Of what?"

"That he'll remember and then he really will do something to permanently escape." The small smile faded as Al contemplated what had become one of his greatest fears.

Reading the man she had grown respect more than she would have thought possible given their rocky relationship, Verbena cut his darkening mood short. "No time for that, Al. Sorry, but we can't afford for you start feeling glum. Sam needs you and we need to talk about just how we are going to help him."

Doctor Beeks leaned back in her chair, stretching. It had been a long day and it was shaping up to be and even longer night. She would rather not have to close Al's emotions down now that she had just managed to get him to open up to her, but time, as always was at a minimum.

"Do you know what I think, Al?" She began slowly, receiving only a blank expression from the man sitting opposite. "After all these years, Sam probably does remember the two of you were experiencing new levels of your relationship before he leaped. He just hasn't tried the feelings and memories together. If you're right, Al, and I'm not saying you are, and Sam used the accelerator as means to kill himself then he knows better than anyone what Marsh is going through."

"I don't follow you. What does Sam knowing we were involved with one another have to do with Jeff Marsh's suicide?"

"They were both faced with the same thing and for god-knows-whatever reason believed that ending their lives was a better option than admitting they were attracted to other men. Think about it, Al, Sam had very few relationships with women and none of them, from what I can gather, was overly successful. He was brought up in a time when homosexuality was not only considered a sin against nature, but the law also. Granted, Sam is open-minded, but I tend to think that's about other people and not the man he thinks he is." Verbena explained.

Obviously following a line of thinking Al had not considered he listened to the psychiatrist without interruption until he realized where she was going with this new theory. "Do you think Jeff was gay? How did you figure that out?" He asked quizzically. "I hardly remembered the kid till I saw him again yesterday."

"Well, that explains why you didn't tell me. The lieutenant does though, and I'm very glad he does. He's been asking about him since he came in." She said, watching closely for a reaction from Al. He seemed lost in his own thoughts for the moment, head bowed as he remained thoughtful, waiting for her to go on.

"The lieutenant thinks the private is suffering from a little hero worship that he is confusing for something else and Al, he may be right, but Jeffrey is never going to find out if he kills himself."

Al's head came up suddenly. Making the painful connection between past and present that Verbena had suspected was there all along.

"I never thought about it to much back then, Verbena. Never thought about why he couldn't see the difference between him and myself. I knew why I had done what commander had wanted. It didn't change me, the things I did. I was still going home to Beth. I thought she was there waiting for me and nothing I did would stop getting there. Oh Jesus, I never though he'd kill himself over it."

Moving out of chair quickly the woman settled on the corner of the desk close enough to reach Al just as he turned from her. "It's not your fault. None of it. The lieutenant didn't know either. It took me thirty years in the future, asking a few probing questions for him to work it out too. I was guessing Al, what's happening between you and Sam at the moment made me feel there was a connection, so I did a little digging." Very gently she pushed him back in his chair, forcing him to look at her as she finished explaining how she gained the information she had.

"Sam has to talk to him, Al. He was right, last night would of been the catalyst. Private Marsh has got to be told the difference and if he still feels that he's gay than someone has to tell him it's okay. Someone that knows from past experience that loving another man isn't wrong."

"But Sam couldn't deal with it, Bena. It tore him apart to admit that he returned my feelings and he was completely lost as far as anything physical went." Al said sadly.

"That was almost seven years ago, Al. Sam has grown a lot emotionally in that time. You said yourself that even though it wasn't easy sailing, he did love you. He tried, didn't he?"

Understanding what Verbena was asking, Al thought back to the last time he and Sam had been together as would-be lovers.

"Yes." He answered after a couple of moments spent in reflection.

-----*Part Three*-----

The storm had passed and it was dark when Al came back again. Confined to the hut, we had received our rations for the night and everyone, with the exception of myself was taking up their places on the floor of the hut. Given what I anticipated sunset would bring, it's arrival left me less than tired. Outside, flood lights lit up one at a time casting a steady stream of light across the area between the huts and the Commanders' quarters.

During the afternoon I had spoken to the other men as we went about the remainder of the day together. Marsh had been at my side most of that time, talking mostly about his family and fiancee. Keeping in mind what I knew would happen to the young man, I found myself searching the hut and surrounding area for anything he may have used to complete his suicide. Finding very little that I could foresee as being remotely useful, I left everything as it lay, believing my best option would be to make another attempt to discuss the previous night with him. Unfortunately, I had come to this conclusion around the same time Al had shown up, thus delaying my discussion with Jeffrey and forcing my observer and I to conduct our conversation in the doorway of the hut.

My mind was filled with all that Al had told me. Torn between my deep affection for my friend and the new knowledge that I actually knew very little about him, I found myself seeing him through new eyes. He had admitted to an affair of sorts with the man who had held him captive during the time of conflict this country had known. If it were actually true, it would be considered treason. Even today, in Al's time, if this piece of information got out, he would stand trial for it. Lose everything that he had worked for over the years, including his pension. It was shocking to think about, but, for some reason, the fact that he had had a homosexual relationship was what had surprised me the most. All the time I had known Al his stand against homosexuality was one prejudice I found impossible to understand. Though now it seemed that had been more about what was expected, given the Navy's no gays policy and a certain amount of self-loathing. Still, I couldn't help wonder if there had been other men in Al's life that he had not felt the same about.

"Verbena is talking to the Lieutenant, Sam. She thinks that perhaps there was something else going on with Marsh." Al informed me, glancing back into the darkened interior of the hut at our rear.

"So she agrees that what he saw had something to do with him killing himself?"

Al eyed me suspiciously but did not answer me immediately.

"She's got a theory, Sam. Thinks you ought talk to the kid about these feelings he's got for you." Al said after a moment's pause.

"Me, Al? What feelings?" I asked, genuinely perplexed by what Al was suggesting.

"Doctor Beeks believes Private Marsh is gay, Sam."

Momentarily speechless, I nodded to Al that I understood, though I'm not completely sure that I did right away. If Jeffrey was gay, then all his plans for the future, the plans which I had intended to use as means to dissuade him from killing himself, would never quite fulfill his expectations no matter what I said. And if I managed to talk him around as I hoped, then I would be expecting him to live out a lie. The more I thought about the situation, the more Jeffrey's relationship with his fiancee seemed even less ideal than what I already suspected. Each time we had spoken, Jeffrey had sounded like a young man resolved, rather than a young man in love. Resolved and determined not to disappoint those he loved and who loved him, I believed now. Thinking back to my original thoughts on the subject, I suddenly found myself convinced that the Project's psychiatrist's diagnosis was accurate.

"I'll see what I can find out, Al." I said finally.

"That'll be good Sam." Al answered, looking a little worried as he stared out across the flood lit compound now.

I knew as soon as I saw the man descend the steps of the Commander's quarters and head in our direction that he had come for me. Al, it seemed, had made the same assumption. "Time to go, Sam." He said as the guard approached us.

"I can't."

"Yes, you can. Odds are he only wants to talk." Al told me as if that was actually a possibility.

"What odds, Al? Do you know for sure that's all he wants?" I was scared and there was little to be gained by pretending I wasn't, especially to Al.

Al shook his head as he spoke, obviously fighting a losing battle with his conscience on what he was sending me to deal with. "It's an expression, a saying, Sam. And no, I don't know that's all he wants, but you can't not go." My friend's voice had begun to waver by the time the man had reached us. I knew Al was right, I couldn't refuse to go and risk a repeat of last night.

No one seemed overly disturbed by my escort, or the fact that I was being lead to the Commander's quarters. I glanced back at the others as I followed the man who had come for me, a number of the men, Jeffrey included, watched as I descended the steps but no one made any move to interfere.

The Commander was seated behind his desk when I was admitted by another guard on the inside. He stepped back allowing me to enter and then closed the door. Al thankfully had stayed with me, though I doubted he would be able to if the Commander really did want to do more than to just talk. He moved about the Commander's quarters, looking back at me from time to time, but not speaking. We both knew this place held long forgotten memories for him and to his credit appeared to be holding up remarkably well. Last night, Al had had difficulty even looking at the Commander, but now he watched the other man openly, without fear. I could only pray that if he did have to go, he would give me something to guide me through this ordeal. The thought of being alone with this man made me nervous to the point where I could feel myself physically shake when the guard finally left us and Commander stood up. For the first time since I had entered, he looked in my direction, acknowledging my presence.

His eyes traveled over me as he moved around the side of large desk, running one hand along it's smooth surface as moved. My mind replaying what I had not seen the night before when he'd used the piece of furniture to support Private Marsh while had tried to rape him. Al's description of what had happened had been tinged with disgust, from experience I now understood. Some time, perhaps in the very beginning, the Commander had taken him there also. The image of my friend face down, thrashing as this man used him, brought on a fresh wave of fear. For the life of me, I could not imagine myself accepting the same fate. But in the not too distant recesses of my mind, I knew that before this night ended I would submit to him. I just didn't know how yet.

Thankfully, the Commander did not descend on me straight away. Once in motion, he proceeded to prepare himself a drink, removing a flask from one of cabinets that stood out the far side of the room. Turning, he had two, not one, small bowls similar to the one I had drank from last night balanced in his right hand. Setting them down on the corner of the desk, he retrieved a cigarette from the packet close by, offering one to me, I realized as he held the small box aloft.

"Take it, Sam." Al said, his voice demanding.

I stepped closer to extract what had been offered and bent lower as it was lit for me. "Never refuse anything he offers you, Sam." Al advised, moving closer to me now.

After what felt like an eternity of excruciating silence the Commander spoke to me. "Why did you wait for me to send my men for you, Lieutenant. I would I thought you would welcome this opportunity to talk after such a long and stubborn silence."

I didn't understand at first, last night he had kept me long after he had finished. We had spoken, but remembering my part, I knew what was now expected. Something I wasn't aware of during that initial discussion was that their relationship was such that my silence was not the norm.

"I do want talk." I said as he reached behind himself and lifted one of the bowls to his lips.

My next words stalled on my tongue as I watched him sip at the liquid contained in the bowl. Mere inches from where I stood, his eyes glinted at me over the rim, teasing, promising what was not in me to accept without resistance. It was too much. I stepped back, turning away. My heart pounded in my chest and I felt myself flush at the thought of what the Commander was attempting to do. - Seduction is an art, personally I had never found it to be overly affective or reliable practice and considered my own skills to be lacking. Either you have the ability to draw others in by glance or smiles, or you don't.

Finding myself more effected by the simple gesture than I had thought possible, I turned to Al for guidance. Panting slightly, I searched my observer's face for an explanation. How could I make him understand without speaking of what had just happened to me? Had he seen, surely he had, standing so close, Al must of seen. Shaking his head, I realized he had understood the brief exchange only too well, and had been as helpless as I to stop the effects of the Commander's taunting.

"What did you want to talk about, Lieutenant? Was it to do with these games you have been playing, or was it something else?" The Commander inquired. Obviously noting my withdrawal, his tone reflected his displeasure of my behavior clearly.

"Last night." I began, feeling less than confident. "Why did you bring the Private here?" He had requested I talk, so talk I would, anything to keep him at a bearable distance for as long as possible, I decided.

"You're asking for trouble, Sam." Al informed me. His face growing worried as his eyes darted from me and then to the commander and back again. "You can't ask him about his motives, it's only going to make him angry. Please, Sam don't. You don't know what he'll do..."

Al's plea was cut off as the Commander closed the distance between us quickly. Fear gripped me as I felt one of his hands close around my throat and the other shoved hard at the center of my chest, winding me as I was pushed violently against the wall behind me. It had happened so fast, I'd had no time to defend myself against the sudden attack. "I did not bring him here." I was told as the fingers tightened around my throat. "You think yourself more than what you are, Lieutenant. My men choose him, because you refused to come." Anger streamed off the man as spoke, radiating from every fiber of his being and filling me with dread of indescribable depths.

I couldn't have moved at that point even if I'd had the thought to do so. Pinned to the wall, I found it increasingly difficult to breathe. His hot breath and dark ruinous eyes so close to me. At any moment, if he wished it, I could die. And there was no one, including myself who could stop him.

As sudden as the attack had began, it ceased also without warning. After one final shove, the Commander released me and stepped back a couple of paces, his voice growing quiet again. "I did not choose him." He repeated and then turned away, walking back to toward his desk, I watched him drain the bowl he had set aside and the other one which I had assumed he intended to give to me.

"Sam, I can't protect you if you don't do as I say." Al was saying. "You can't underestimate him, he will not tolerate any challenge to his authority, not from anyone. I did forget my position, Sam. And I made a mistake." He explained sadly.

Listening to Al, it was very clear just how much we had both miscalculated the Commander. Al, I was certain, had paid time and again for that mistake in countless ways until his release.

Still pressed to the hut wall, I trembled as the man who had delivered my friend's punishment returned to the cabinet and removed the liquor filled flask yet again. Carrying it with him, he filled both of the now empty bowls and then set it down also on the desk before turning back to me.

"Come here, Lieutenant." The Commander demanded.

Frozen, I found I could not move away from the false safety of the wall. Pressing against it, I tried to back myself further away from the man who was now moving toward me. I had disobeyed him, and though I opened my mouth to speak no words came out as he reached forward and physically pulled me from my haven.

One hand still gripped my hip as the other ran up my chest and snaked around the back of my neck, drawing me closer to him. I flinched as the Commander's right hand then moved from my hip and touched my cheek. Resisting the strong urge to turn my face away, I closed my eyes, allowing the caress of his fingers and the gentle pressure that maneuvered me into the position he wished. Warm lips descended on mine and kissed me, almost hesitantly at first, growing in confidence and insistence as I opened my eyes and tried to push away. Caught, I found myself trapped by the sight I saw reflected in the Commander's eyes. Al, my friend, stared back at me through the Commander, terrified and pleading. This was never what Al had described. No matter what he had told me, this had always been forced upon him.

My whole world tilted then, spinning me towards a place where there was nothing that would ground me, nothing to reach for, no lifeline to save me from what I knew was going happen to me. Everything around me seemed to be occurring in slow motion. The imaging chamber opened at my side. A flash of blue light in amongst the swirl of colors surrounding me as I fought to keep my knees from giving way. I saw Al glanced in my direction as he stepped through the glowing rectangle and I vaguely heard him apologize for leaving me, and then he was gone.

In the blink of an eye, my choices unfurled before me. - I could fight, try to stop what the Commander was intent on. Risk my life and that of my friend to save myself from what this man would take no matter what. If I died, there was no guarantee that Al and I would change places again. He could remain trapped in the future for the rest of his natural life, and there would be no one to stop Jeffrey. Ultimately, I would fail to save the life of the man I had been sent to help. Al's advice from when we had spoken together earlier this afternoon came back to me. 'You are not here for me,' Al had told me. Private Jeffrey Marsh's life depended on me and by whatever means I choose I was to make certain that I focused only on that.

Shaking uncontrollably, I was pulled forward again, my hand, lifted forcibly from my side, was pressed to the other man's groin. Heat radiated from the area between his legs. Obviously aroused, he wasted no time in pushing forward into my hand, recapturing my mouth without any of his original care.

Hot, moist lips and tough probed the depth of my mouth with known dexterity. Hands that had punished and killed pulled at my clothing, gliding over my skin even before my shirt had been completely removed, moving to the waist of my trousers, immediately searching for a way to release them. Afraid and completely at a loss at how to respond, I simply stood, rigid, waiting until he had accomplished his goal and my ragged trousers pooled at my feet.

"No more games, Lieutenant." He said as he moved me out of the material. Statement or question I wasn't sure, only that I knew I had reached the point of no return.

"No, Commander." I answered timidly.

"Undress me Lieutenant." He ordered.

Guiding my hands to his chest, the Commander held me firmly until I managed to make my mind and body act as one. With trembling fingers, I did as the man instructed. Keeping my eyes adverted, I slowly removed his shirt. Folding and laying the discarded item of clothing on the corner of the desk, I attempted to delay my task. Hovering over the folded shirt I looked down at myself, naked and afraid. I had never been with another man, though I understood the mechanics of sex with members of my own gender. All of it frightened me. How could I continue doing what the Commander had demanded of me without making him angry again?

"Strong, insistent hands grasped my shoulder, turning me to face the man who was waiting for me finish what I had begun. I had hesitated too long, the look on his face read of lost patience and the anger I'd feared reignited. "Please." I pleaded trying to gather myself enough to somehow go on.

"Please, Lieutenant!" The Commander snarled, the nails on his fingers digging into the bare flesh on my shoulders as he spoke, twisting and forcing me to buckle slightly under the pressure of his hand. "What is it you want? My men perhaps, to help you. Or maybe the young Private. Should I bring him here also?"

"No, please no." I answered. The Commander was deadly serious. There was doubt in mind that he would do all of things he had mentioned and more. Dropping to my knees at his feet, I quickly untied the laces on his boots, lifting and removing each one in turn, and then without thinking of what I was actually doing, reached to loosen the belt on his trousers, fumbling the fastenings and pulling them down.

Using my kneeling form to steady himself, the Commander stepped from his discarded trousers and kicked them aside. He wasn't wearing any underwear, I realized as his erect penis brushed the side of my face. Less than a heart beat later his hands were in my hair, pulling, forcing me take the appendage between my clenched lips. Resisting only made him jerk my head back painfully, gasping under the attack he filled my opened mouth with his length. Pushing inward until the size of him forced me to swallow, allowing the whole amount to slide down my throat.

Tears stung my eyes and fell unchecked down the cheeks of my face as the Commander raped my mouth. Gagging, I was given no time to adjust to the intrusion that threatened to choke me. Cruel fingers twisted and pulled at my hair each time he withdrew, my teeth dragging on the flesh that invaded me mercilessly. Cursing my very existence the man who stood over me, using me, seemingly without care or thought to anything other than his own demands permeated each inward thrust with more and more vigor.

My head pounded from lack of oxygen and the ferocity in which my assailant held me. Within seconds of its onset, pure terror had seized me as I felt myself begin to slip slowly towards the darkness that I knew would send me into unconsciousness. Survival instincts took over as I attempted to fight off the Commander, desperately trying to dislodge the organ in my mouth and the hands that clamped my head like a vice. Bringing my arms up, I managed to claw at his fingers, peeling them from my skull and pulling away the moment I felt his hold on me falter.

The blow that I had not seen coming struck my cheek just below my left eye and sent me flying backwards on to the floor. Stunned and disorientated, my confused mind completely missed registering what would be my one opportunity to roll away. But before I could think beyond being able to breathe once again, the Commander had straddled my hips and was using his weight to hold me down. My arms and hands trapped above my head as he used his own to wrench them into position.

Panting between my splayed legs, the Commander rested his head on my heaving chest. Minutes, maybe longer, passed where there was nothing said between us and the only sounds I heard were that of my thundering heart and his labored breathing. Ultimately he raised his head and spoke to me again. "Why do you fight me, Lieutenant?" He asked, his voice oddly concerned.

Unable to meet his eyes, I turned my head away. I couldn't speak to this man, couldn't explain that I was not the one who had created this fantasy. I wasn't Al, I couldn't pretend to care, no matter what it helped me endured. He lay against me for what seemed like ages, waiting for me to answer his question. His body erect, hot and covered in perspiration covering me until finally my silence sealed my fate completely.

Feeling the Commander rise up from his position, I braced myself, knowing what was to come next. I didn't struggle when he rolled me over and urged me to my knees. There was no escape, no one to come to my rescue. Forsaken, I felt myself probed and then finally breached. Unimaginable pressure filled me to the point I thought I would burst from the size of him buried deep inside my rectum. The surrounding muscles and tendons burning and tearing as he withdrew and then thrust back in violently.

Sobbing, I tried to think of the only thing that had been good and right in my life for a long time while the assault went on. I was glad Al wasn't here with me now. I don't think I could stand it if he had stayed. He shouldn't see me like this, shouldn't have to watch. He may think he had deserted me, but he hadn't. He had spared me the shame of having him once again bear witness to an act he could not stop and I was grateful for that.

----*----

I woke to the sound of the imaging door opening near by. Twisting slightly, I was met with the sight of my friend and observer bending uncomfortably as he settled on the floor of the hut. He looked sad and a little frightened I thought, wondering what it was he had come to tell me. After he had left me with the Commander, I hadn't counted on seeing Al before sun up.

"What's up, Al?" I asked in a hushed voice.

"Nothing Sam, I just wanted to check on you before I turned in for the night. Sorry if I woke you." Al said quietly.

"It's okay, Al. I'm glad you came back." I was happy to see Al, though I found myself a little wary of his behavior once more. Would he know by just looking at me what the Commander had done to me, what I had done, not only for my own survival, but for his and the Privates also?

"Did he hurt you Sam?" Al's question surprised me. I hadn't expected him to be so candid, even after what we had shared this afternoon.

"No." I lied, shaking my head. The Commander had hurt me, badly. But I couldn't bring myself to burden Al with more than he already had to deal with. It wouldn't help to have him angry over something neither of us could change.

Al looked unconvinced. "I'm okay, really Al. I'm just feeling a little lost at the moment." I said, drawing my knees to my chest, unable to meet his gaze for fear he could see right through me.

"I feel like he took something from me, and I'll never get it back again." I continued after a moment, not sure I was making any sense as I tried to describe the aftermath of my time spent with the Commander to Al without giving details of my injuries.

Al nodded, thankfully not pressing me for more than I was willing to give. More likely, he knew exactly how I was feeling right now. He had experienced the same treatment from the Commander and lived with that secret for thirty years. As a comfortable silence settled around us, I wondered just how many nights he had lay here as I was now, feeling torn and broken inside. How long was it before he was drawn into believing that the relationship he had with the Commander had anything to do with love? Did he even know now that he had always been raped, not just his body, but his mind also?

Again, the distance between us seemed insurmountable. Looking at up him in the darkened hut, a little light offered through the opened doorway, I felt a longing for Al that wrenched at my already worn heart. The lines in face had deepened over the years and his hair was a little grayer around his temple. Dark shadows under even darker eyes from lack of sleep over the responsibility of the Project and me seemed to be a permanent part of his anatomy and I couldn't help feel that I was the one who had deserted him. And not as I had thought earlier that he would see his departure for those few dreadful hours as abandonment. He should never feel he had ever done anything so as unforgivable as I had to him.

"Jesus, Al I wish I could go home." I said, my voice breaking under the strain of emotions that filled me. "I'm so sorry." I managed before the sting behind my own eyes became to great to hold back.

"Don't cry, Sam. Please don't. You don't have to be sorry for anything." Al whispered, as I shifted closer to where he sat. "I wish you'd just leap home too. We all do."

"Did I tell you about the party I'm planning?" He said after a short pause.

I shook my head at him, simply letting tears fall where they may now. My head bowed as I listened to Al talk. His voice had always been soothing, a comfort. I don't think I ever told him that before.

"Yeah sure, Sam it's gonna be the party to end all parties when you do come home. Been planning it for quite a while now, so it's getting pretty detailed." He was trying to make me smile, as he did when nothing else worked. "Just you wait, Sam. When you come home, the whole Project is going to be there. I thought we'd hold it right there in main control, strip out the areas we won't be using anymore, like the accelerator chamber. " Al's voice took on a fatherly tone when spoke of the accelerator. I had no doubt that when I did return home, he would have the chamber dismantled the same day, thus taking away the temptation for me to use it, I guess. He didn't have to worry. Once I was back in my own time, in my own life, I wouldn't be in any hurry to leave it again.

Using the remains of my sleeve I wiped my eyes and managed to simply enjoy the picture Al was creating for me. Images of the Project and my friends there filtered through my mind as he spoke. I remembered some of them and the different places I used to go when I was there with them. My bio-lab and my office, for instance. Strange things too, like a corridor that seemed to go on for miles and that didn't appear to lead anywhere in particular. The smell of Al cigar's first thing in the morning, a game I'd played with Ziggy when I was bored.

"I remember home, Al." I said after a few minutes of just listening to him talk. "I remember you and I when I was there. "

"What do you remember, Sam?

"Some, I remember you and I building the imaging chamber and when we brought Ziggy online for the first time. Other things too, but they're just bits and pieces and day-to-day stuff."

"What sort of day-to-day things, Sam?" Al asked hesitantly, I thought.

I felt odd about the question. I know I should remember more than what I did about our friendship. Telling him I remembered the smell of his cigars just didn't seem enough. We had been friends for more than twenty years, been through more in both our respective lifetimes than most in several. Al had been married five times, spent six years in a POW camp and orbited the moon. I had never been married, held six degrees and been likened to Einstein before I started to believe my own press reports and tested my latest experiment on myself. I smiled at my last thought. Al looked quizzically at me but thankfully didn't ask me to explain why I was grinning at him like a fool all of a sudden. He had said once, when I first started leaping that he always thought for a genius, I wasn't too bright. Well, on reflection, he was right, wasn't he? What kind of madman steps into a nuclear accelerator?

"You know, the goofing around. You telling me I'm not real bright, that kinda thing." I offered, purposely keeping my voice low.

"No, that's after you leaped, Sam." Al seemed a little annoyed with my answer as he looked away. Something had changed in the last few minutes, Al's whole attitude toward me had altered. It made me nervous and the impression that I had that Al was afraid of something I still was unaware of came back to me. Taking the opportunity as Al appeared lost in his own memories for the moment, I scanned the room, listening intently for the now familiar snores from each of my fellow prisons.

"Do you remembered us getting stoned that night in DC when Weitzman gave us the go-ahead for another year?" Al inquired, scratching his head as if he to was searching for something that would trigger the memory he wanted from me.

Strangely, I did remember several trips to the capital with Al. More than once, we had gone out for a night on the town after a long day spent in meetings. Getting stoned didn't really sound much like the man I remembered myself to be, though I had known Al to indulge himself and it was perfectly understandable that he had been willing to share if I had decided to join him.

"I remember meetings, and nights spent celebrating, Al, if that helps." By his expression, I guessed it didn't. If he had looked annoyed before he looked down right disappointed now. "Look Al, if whatever this is that you're trying to get me to remember is so important, why don't you just tell me? You've told me things about myself before in the past, so what's so different this time?"

"Because this time, Sam, I don't think you're going to like what I've got to say. " My friend answered solemnly.

I sat up so I was able to see Al face on. Looking more tense than I felt, he met my gaze reluctantly

"Just tell me, okay. Whatever it is, you need to tell me. Don't you?" My fear dissipated as I spoke. Seeing Al so obviously worried made it possible for the first time this leap to put my own fears aside in preference to his needs. Some tiny part of myself felt relieved to actually have the ability to repay Al some of what he had given me in the past few days. It meant even though I had a long way to go, I would heal, survive, as he had and eventually understand enough to move on.

"Tell me, Al." I repeated, more firmly.

"I want to, Sam. But it's not easy. When you said you remembered home and us I thought that maybe you already knew. Verbena thought you probably did remember but just hadn't put two and two together."

"Does Verbena think I should know whatever it is that you haven't told me? Will it help me with the leap, Al?" I asked, doing my best to help him.

"Yeah. She thinks that's why you're here." He said quietly.

"I'm here for Jeffrey, Al. What does that have to do with me remembering being back at the Project with you?" I prompted gently.

"Because you're both faced with questioning your sexuality." Al's answer came as no more than a whisper, and I found myself leaning forward to hear him.

Very slowly, his words and their meaning sunk in. My head swam with dozens of conflicting images, some too confusing for me to recognize their origin immediately, and it was at least a full minute or two before I found my voice. "What are you saying? Are you telling me I'm gay?"

Time passed, I don't know much, as we sat still facing one another in the darkness of the hut. Al's eyes locked with mine, his refusal to answer me verbally confirming what I now knew was the truth.

"I'm gay, Al." I said finally, glad to break the silence that had stretched on, making us both unnecessarily uncomfortable.

"Not exclusively, Sam. I'm only aware of one relationship you had with another man but it's possible there's been others." Al's response sounded rehearsed and I had the sudden feeling there was more.

"No others." I said confident I was right in what I was saying. "You're talking about us, aren't you Al? That's what this is all about?"

He didn't answer. Choosing to evade my questions once more, Al stared down at the hand link which had laid dormant the entire length of his visit. Planning an escape I realized as his hand edged toward the small machine.

"Were we lovers?" I asked, hoping to stop him from leaving me just yet, willing him to look up.

"No, yes...not exactly."

"It's not that difficult a question, Al. Either we were or we weren't." I was starting feel cut off again as I had when I first arrived here. The last thing I wanted was Al not able to discuss what was happening between us. Certainly I was confused, Al was right. What he had just informed me of couldn't have come at a more difficult time. But I had questions, God so many questions and I knew he had the answers.

"Please, Al can't you tell me? Was it so terrible that you hate me because of it?" I knew Al didn't hate me. I was grasping at straws now, anything to get him to tell me what I needed to know.

"I don't hate you, Sam." Al said as his head finally did came up. "I love you, I have always loved you. We were together before you left, but we hadn't..."Al's words faded and I found myself finishing his sentence for him.

"Had sex."

"Made love." I was corrected before I could say anymore. "We hadn't gotten that far, Sam and I didn't want to push you into something you weren't ready for. I'd never hurt you, don't you know that?" Al voice had taken on a pleading tone, as if he was trying to convince me of something that would never have entered my head. I knew without a second's reservation that Al would never hurt me. What was he suggesting, that I would feel he would? Had I accused of him of it?

"I know you'd never hurt me, Al." I said without hesitation. "Why don't you just tell me what happened and I promise I'll do my best to remember."

Why what Al had just told me hadn't sent me screaming into the night I can't really explain? Just that after so many years as him as my friend coupled with what I had discovered about our past I couldn't discount the possibility that our relationship hadn't always been platonic.

----*Part Four*----

Al and I talked through the remainder of the night. Hours spent listening and discussing our relationship and the changes that had occurred in it before I turned my back on everything we might of had. He had left only minutes ago after the flood lights outside the hut went down, alerting us to the lateness of the hour and revealing a new day. The last day I hoped that I would have to stay here. There had been so much happen during this leap, so many secrets revealed and too many tears shed.

The last of our conversation once again was held in the door way of the hut. I had moved there to peer out at the morning as the sun rose slowly above the Commander quarters. During those last few moments Al and I had simply allowed the beauty of the multicolored sky and the dew covered buildings to wash over us. Letting go of the horror which this place represented to so many and simply enjoying the shared moment. Upon leaving me Al had bestowed a brief kiss on my cheek and lifted one whethered hand to brush gently at my face. I felt none of the warmth that having him so close would have generated, but the gesture had rekindled a feeling in me I had long forgotten. Filling me with courage to meet this day and all it would bring by way of challenges head on. Private Marsh would not die today if either Al or I had anything to say about it. If nothing else Jeffrey would live to discover himself and what it was he truly wanted from life.

I decided not to return to my place on the floor of the hut, it was too late to try and get any sleep and I had my doubts I would be able to fall asleep now any way. Sliding down the frame of the door I pulled my legs up tight against my chest, hugging them close and resting my chin on my knees as I kept a silent vigil over the man I was here to save.

Perhaps leaping into Al and having the opportunity to help Jeffrey Marsh was my chance to face my own demons. Al's belief that all the years I'd been leaping I had initially attempted to escape him by utilizing the most bizarre suicide method known to modern man was the one element I found the most shocking of all we had discussed. But of all the things he had helped me to recount about the two of us, weather or not I was in fact trying to kill myself when I stepped into the accelerator chamber that fateful night was not something I could remember. It was too long ago, my motivation for why I choose that night, knowing full well it was dangerous and the retrieval program was less than reliable was a mystery to both of us.

Saddened by the knowledge that Al had spent the last six and a half years believing I would rather kill myself rather than face him on our relationship I did my best to reassure him that when I did leap home I was willing to sit down and discuss what ever he wanted me to. I owed Al my life, many times over and I was not going to just allow what we had developed over the years to fade away. Discovering we had been more than just friends was a little strange, being it was not something I would of ever imagined in my wildest dreams, but the idea that we were more to one another didn't exactly leave me cold either.

With more patients than I would of thought possible Al had painstakingly retold our story, starting with the night we had spent in Washington seven years ago. A night where we had shared our first kiss, I recalled. Remembering the supreme tenderness of his touch, the gentleness of the embraces we had shared was overwhelming at times as the feelings rushed over me in a flood of pure emotion as he spoke. How I could of forgotten what I left behind? How Al had stood by and not told me, I may never understand?

The thought that I would shun Al and the love that he offered, still offered me was not something I was proud of. Shamed by the realization my abandonment of Al had been more than just that of friend and director of our project, I also learnt that ours was not a affair that other were aware of. We had kept the intimacy we shared to ourselves, confiding in no one for all the months Al and I had attempted and failed to find a comfortable level, therefore leaving him to ponder my reasons for leaping alone and allowing his imagination to dwell on the problems we'd been having before I left.

Certainly my fears regarding a physical relationship had not changed and considering the act I had been forced to commit this very night the prospect of ever having anyone touch me in that manner was not something I could comprehend without being stricken with the memory of what I had suffered. I told Al. Honestly expressing my fears. It was to soon he had said apologetically, blaming himself for forcing the issue. We had continued on though and I was glad we had. Eventually finding a new understanding for leaping here to help Jeffrey accept that love and or attraction to another of your own sex was not a sin. The revolution toward acceptance of same sex relationships had already begun, he was not alone and even though the road would not be easy there were places and people who could help him.

There were also people who could help Al and I. And I prayed silently as I sat watching Jeffrey in the stillness of the hut that if I was to expect any reward at the end of my leaping through time all these years, that it would be for Al and I to have our chance also. If we were to ever to have any kind of future then we needed to be prepared to seek the support and counsel of those who could release us both from the pain and fear our love had reawakened.

Feeling loved, truly loved by another is not something I have felt for myself for more years than I care to think about. But waiting for Jeffrey Marsh and the others to wake to this new day I allowed the associated sensations to fill me, giving me so much more than just a reason to go on. Awaiting my return was a man who would never hurt me, never ask to much of me, and who would love me until the end of my days. It didn't matter that we were both men, what mattered was that love, the kind many searched for all their lives and never find, had found me, and I would not let it slip through my fingers simply because the form in which it came was not what I'd expected.

Stretching I stood after a time and checked the outside for the Commanders men, spying the sentry at the top of the water tower. I made myself seen clearly in the door way before I descended the steps of the hut. Slipping around the side to the latrine, relieving myself and washing away the evidence of the previous night. Pushing all thoughts of the attack away as I cleaned my body as best I could. I was taught growing up that only God has the right to judge those for the wrongs they do others. I would not spare the Commander more thought than was required for the remainder of the leap, I decided. There was a God and he would deal with the man who had taken from me what was mine to give another.

Returning to the hut I was met with a bleary eyed Steve Thorn. He watched me enter and then slide down the wall not far from Private Marsh before he spoke to me. "You okay, Lieutenant?" He inquired through a yawn.

Remembering the blow the Commander had dealt me last night I raised my hand to my cheek, carefully touching the area where he had struck me. There was a little swelling and a small break in the skin, but it wasn't bad.

"Yeah, sure Steve." I answered across the room. "Just another one to add to the others, nothing to worry about."

"You want me to take a look at you?"

It took me a moment or two to realize what the young medic was offering. He knew of course, Al had said that Steve had been the one to patch him in the very beginning. Shame and embarrassment made me look away from the younger man. Shaking my head, I assured him that it wasn't necessary.

"Thanks, but I'll live." I said, hoping he wouldn't press the matter.

"Suit yourself." Steve remarked offhandedly as he rose and then stretched. Exiting the hut as soon as he was finished working the muscles out of his back and shoulders.

Private Marsh was the to last stir, he joked with the others as he had yesterday during the time before we were gathered in the compound, but quite plainly was keeping his distance from me, avoiding my attempt to talk to him. Even going so far as to shift places to stand next to Steve after I had slipped in between he and one of the other men. Glaring at me from his new position it became obvious my close proximity was unwelcome and making him noticeably uncomfortable. It wasn't what I had expected from him. Over the past couple of days Jeffrey had sought me out.

Al appeared briefly during the Commanders address to his men, but only stayed long enough to check on myself and Jeffrey before vanishing again, promising to return with information about the timing of the Privates suicide as soon as he was able. At that I wondered how he was coping with the man in the waiting room through all this. How must the younger vision of Al see this preview of his further? Was Al and Verbena dealing with a resistant visitor or was the Lieutenant assisting us in a way no other had in the past?

Once again released to go our own way after the Commander had retuned to his quarters I moved quickly and casually slung my arm around Jeffrey's shoulders in a vailed effort to stop him escaping me. Ushering him away from the group wasn't difficult and thankfully he didn't resist, only looking a little perplexed as I lead him to where I had discovered several rather rickety wooden crates stuffed under one of the disused buildings. I had found them yesterday afternoon when I had searched the camp for anything Jeffrey may have used to reach the ceiling of our hut. Concluding much later on that his shirt would of most probably made a sufficient noose and height was his only real obstacle when it came to acting on his suicide plan.

Pulling the crates out one at a time I proceeded to stack them on top of each other as Jeffrey stood by, looking at him each time I added another to my growing pile. Recognition that someone else had seen a use for the crates came slowly until finally with my task almost complete his youthful curiosity forced him to inquire on what I was doing.

"What are you doing, Lieutenant? Building something?" He asked, still looking confused to why he was brought here.

I didn't answer his question, motioning instead for him to stand back as I climbed the height of the structure I had just built. Standing precariously at the top I looked down on Marsh. I had elevated myself by at least a good six foot and could, given a little assistance and opportunity easily resembled my tower to reach the ceiling of the hut.

Luckily our current position hid my behavior from the rest of the camps inmates or don't believe I would of had the time it than took me to descend the crates and meet Jeffrey face to face once more.

"Who helped you?" I demanded, stepping into the younger mans personal space.

Fear and confusion clouded Jeffrey's eyes as he attempted to move away, only to be caught as I grabbed him by the nape of his neck and refused to release him. Ensuring his attention I drew him closer. "What are you planning Private?"

"I don't know what your talking about." He said hurriedly, obviously afraid of me. "Let me go, your hurting me, Lieutenant." Jeffrey added struggling under my grip. "What's wrong with you?" v "Nothing wrong with me kid, but I know your up to something, so why you just tell me and get it over with."

"Your mad." Jeffrey whimpered as I increased the pressure on the back of his neck, not really hurting him just letting him know I meant business.

"Is that why you're avoiding me all of a sudden? You think what I've got is catching, so you're staying away?" Intense blue eyes dropped there gaze, looking anywhere but at me. Shame, I believed made the young man in my grasp go suddenly limp, defeated before he had a chance to deny the truth.

"Leave me alone, please Lieutenant. Just leave me alone." He said quietly.

"What are you afraid of Jeff?" I asked, letting go a little of the grip I had on him.

Gaining enough access to shake his head Jeffrey tugged at the small amount of freedom I'd given him. Pulling entirely out of my hold a moment later and turning his back on me. I was relieved he didn't simply walk away, which of course he could of. I'm not sure what I would of done if he had, chasing him around the camp was certainly not an option.

Standing silently not far from where I stood, Jeffrey's head was bowed and I could tell by his posture that he had folded his arms across his chest.

Approaching the silent man cautiously, I reached out and gently laid my hand on his slumped shoulders. Immediately recoiling at my touch he spun quickly on his heels, facing me as he spoke. "Don't touch me. Don't ever touch me." He spat venomously

Taken back by the sudden change in character I could only watch as the young mans mood worsened, stepping out of his way as he moved without direction in the small area beside the hut.

"Keep your filthy hands of me Lieutenant or I swear I'll...I'll." He said, running out of words at the end.

"You'll what, Jeff." I said calmly. "Kill yourself."

"Yes, I'd rather die than have you put your stinking faggot hands on me again." Such pain and conviction I had never seen before. Marsh was clearly at the end of his endurance and felt my heart go out to him. Was Al right, had my fear of another man touch become so great that I had felt as Jeffrey did at this moment, choosing death opposed to life as a homosexual.

Raising my hands in a mock gesture of surrender I moved slowly to where Private Marsh stood. Visibly shaking he backed away as I approached. "I won't touch you, Jeff I promise. Just let me talk to you for a bit, okay. You need someone to talk right now." I said, keeping my voice low and even so as not to frighten him more than he already was.

Standing a little over a meter away from me now he had once again stopped his retreat and just seemed to be at a lose at where to turn next. Truthfully the possibility that he would strike me had halted my foot steps at this distance, I preferred not to have to restrain him again, even if it was in an effort to stop him hitting out at me.

The sound of the imaging chamber opening behind me, startled me for a moment. Though, I was grateful as always for Al arrival. Jeffrey and I had been separated from the others for quite a while now and I imagined someone would come looking for us soon enough. I needed more time and Al could check on the others for me.

"I'm just going to get us something to sit on." I said to Jeffrey, motioning toward the pile of crates behind him.

Reaching to extract the highest placed crate Al appeared at my side. Whispering what I needed from him he immediately disappeared around the side of the hut while I arranged seating for both Jeffrey and myself.

Jeffrey sat after I placed the crate at his side, apparently needing more support than what his own legs provided. Not saying anything as he stared at the ground under his feet, but obviously not ready to run away just yet either. A little ray of hope, I decided.

"You think I'm a fag, Jeff?"

"Aren't you." He said still looking down.

"The navy doesn't take gays and in case you've forgotten, I got a wife waiting for me when I get I home."

"Doesn't mean anything."

"Does to me."

"I don't believe you. Your a fucking liar and you know it." Jeffrey said with more destain than I had expected from him. "I saw you with him." This added as he raised his eyes to meet mine. Pain and betrayal punctuating each word. What ever the bond was that had existed between my friend and this young man it had been sorely tested over the last few days and I could only hope what ever the damage it wasn't irreparable.

"The longer you live Private the more you'll realize not everything as it appears." I replied adding a little authority to my tone. "Do you think I wanted the Commander to force to do that. Do you honestly believe if there had been another way to stop him from hurting you, I wouldn't of taken it."

Marsh didn't answer me, not that I expected him to. Mostly I was just trying to give him something to think about in hopes that he'd stay with me long enough for me to explain what I needed to.

"I'm not going to let anyone hurt you, Jeff."

"I don't need you, I can take care of myself. You think I need some fag to look out for me." He said bitterly.

From what I understood of his relationship with Al, Al had taken care of him. And Jeffrey had looked up to my friend in return until his untimely death. Our interactions over the past couple of days had indicated Jeffrey saw Al as a trusted confidant and someone that he admired. I didn't doubt Al's ability to survive over the years spent as a P.O.W hadn't gone unnoticed by the men he had served with. The younger men aspiring to the same amount of courage and strength the older one's had developed through no more than self preservation.

"Why?" I asked him.

"Cause I don't want to be like you, and I don't want anyone thinking I am."

"Not good enough." I said bluntly, rising from my place perched on the crate. "That's bull. You're afraid of me all of a sudden and I want to know why?"

"I'm not. You don't know what your talking about, Lieutenant. You let him screw with you too long and now you don't know your ass from your elbow."

The odd turn of phrase left me a little confused for a moment until I figured it was just another way for his to tell me I was wrong about him.

"Am I? Don't you think I know what's it's like to be afraid?" I inquired, giving him a moment to consider my question before asking. "Do you know what I'm most afraid of?"

Al reappeared as I stood waiting for a response from Private Marsh, he nodded, letting me know everything was okay for the moment. Staying quite as I turned my attention back to Marsh.

"Not going home." I said solemnly "I've got to go home, Jeff. And I get so scared sometimes that I think that I won't be able to bare it. But there's you and the others here, and Beth when I get home. I've got to keep going."

I saw Al flinch out of the corner of my eye as I mentioned his wife, a wife who we both knew would not be there when he was repatriated in a few months time. She had been his reasons for holding on, enduring every minute of the years he had spent in camps like this one.

"How can you even think about going back to your wife after what you let the Commander do to you?" Jeffrey's tone was one of actual interest, the first he had shown in all the time we had been talking.

"I can't think about anything else, it's what gets me through each day. You have someone waiting for you, you know what it's like, kid." I said gently.

"I don't know that I can go back, Lieutenant." This said as he looked away from me again, lost in his own thoughts for a moment, I let the young man be while I glanced over at my observer. Al appeared removed somehow, studying the ever present hand link, he looked up, meeting my eyes and as if reading my mind shook his head.

"Not yet, Sam. Odds that he'll kill himself today are still the same." Al informed me. "Looks like your going to have to take Doctors Beeks advice and ask out right about being gay."

I didn't relish the thought of broaching the subject with Jeffrey. It was obvious his fears were real, but I still wasn't sure that I would actually have to force him to admit his sexual orientation aloud, deciding it would be easier on him in the time he was here if he didn't have to.

"Why can't you go home, Jeff?" I asked gently.

"Doesn't matter."

"I think it does, and I think I know what it is that's got you so twisted up inside as well. Do you you want me to tell you what it is?" I offered sitting back down again, meeting him on and equal level.

"Sam, be careful." Al said at my side. "This may be your last chance."

"It's okay." I answered aloud, aware that Jeffrey could hear me also. Hopefully soothing him at the same time as letting Al know that I knew what I was doing.

"Your thinking what the Commander tried to do you and what he made you watch has changed you somehow." Jeffrey sat quietly as I spoke, his posture relaxing a little I thought. "Is it that going back to..." At that moment I couldn't remember his fiancee name, glancing up at Al he immediately supplied me with the information I required.

"Michelle, Sam. But he calls her Shelley." Al informed me.

"...Shelley?" I repeated. Jeffrey's eye came up instantly, a frighten expression shadowing his face. I was close. "Are you afraid of being with her?" I asked carefully, praying my use of the words 'being with her' would be understood.

"I don't think I'll ever be the same, Lieutenant. She should have better than me." He whispered sadly.

"Don't you love her?"

Jeffrey didn't answer me straight away, but I could see by the way he was weighing the question that he was considering it. "Not the way I should. I know I'm suppose to have all these feelings for her, but I don't." He said finally, still looking to me, I felt for understanding despite all he had said and accursed me of while we'd been talking.

"Ask him if there's someone else, Sam." Al prompted, moving closer to the Private.

Glancing over at Al I felt myself hesitate, if we were right and Jeffrey was about to tell me he was gay. And his encounter with the Commander had brought his confused feelings for Al to the surface I maybe very be dealing with a disclosure that could decide this young mans future. Jeffrey stared at me across the short distance separating us, waiting for a reaction I assumed to what he had told me about the woman he was engaged to marry. I felt pity and lose for all that he was going loose, but hope also that I could understand better than most what he was going through at this moment.

Looking down at my bare feet I allowed myself a moment of reflection. Seven years ago I had spent the over night stay in my country's capital with Al as I had on our previous visits there, only this night had been very different from the rest. On this particular occasion he had told me that he loved me and this announcement had changed both our lives. Mine especially, up until the instant before he had kissed me I had believed myself to be a confirmed heterosexual.

"I care about you Jeffrey." I began slowly. "I also know what your going through at the moment, so I'm going to be honest with you, okay?"

"Sure."

"I remember the first time I saw you. I don't think I've ever seen anyone as afraid as you were then." I continued, drawing on my all to clear recollections of my leap in. "You've never known about what can happen between two men before have you?"

Private Marsh looked completely horrified as I spoke, clearly he hadn't expected anyone, let alone the Lieutenant to speak of such things to him.

"Of course not, you think I want to know about the stuff fags do?"

"I'm not saying you do, Jeff. Just asking the question, and I take it that your answer is, no."

"Sam, he's going to bolt at any minute. Jesus, if he didn't think I was gay before you've left no room for any doubt for him now." Al was stricken, moving to stand beside me now he immediately began entering something into the link in his hand. Madly slapping the tiny machine as it screamed painfully in resistance to the speed the commands were being requested.

"It's not something to be ashamed of, and neither is being curious." I explained carefully.

Jeffrey's face remained pale, but much of his initial horror had faded away. He offered nothing to suggest he would deny what I had said nor did he shows signs of 'bolting' as Al had put it. He wasn't going anywhere, I realized the longer we sat staring at one another. I knew his secret, it had taken him awhile but now he seemed almost relieved.

The sounds of panic coming from my observer grew less vocal as Jeffrey and I regarded one another. "I don't believe this, Sam." Al was saying now. "Keep going, ask him now about his feelings towards you."

"You and I've gotten pretty close since you've been here, Jeff." I began again, taking Al's cue to go on. "I can understand what you saw the other night must of frightened you. And that you have some notion that all men who behavior like the Commander are gay, but your wrong. What Commander did to me had nothing to do with being a homosexual. He raped me, rape is about power, not sex. Sex between consenting adults is usually an expression of love or affection. I don't know another man who would treat anyone, man or woman the way the Commander treated me and profess anything other than a wish to dominate and punish."

Other than the occasional bleep from the hand link silence prevailed beside me. The young man who still held my gazed appeared utterly transfixed on what I was saying to him, and though Al had not given me the word I knew what I was saying was having the desired effect.

Taking a cleansing breathe I tried to describe what I knew of same sex relationships to Private Marsh without giving to much away about my host. Al was a good twenty years older than Jeffrey and it would be understandable that he knew more of the world and it's intricate going on's than a young Private on his first tour of duty.

"Love, for all of us is not decided solely on what you'd expect." I explained slowly. "We don't get to choice those who we love or who love us. Weather they are decided for each and everyone of us in some great plan when we are born I'm not sure, only that God, time or chance knows what potential we all have to feel and express love. The color of ones skin just like our age and gender are usually some of the factors we considered when enter a relationship with someone."

Jeffrey nodded once in agreement to what I was saying. Every generation is the same I believed, no one had actually said the exact words to me but I remember when I was Jeffrey's age, or perhaps a little younger learning that any relationship we expected to develop beyond friendship were the ones we considered more important than the others. And it was those relationships that we strived to make fit into the code of general acceptance, no matter what our hearts told us.

"I've met many men over the years, Jeff. Some I trust from the moment I lay eyes on them and some, well some I wouldn't ever be able to turn my back on given a dozen years of working along side of them. Our instincts tell us if someone's worthy or not to be counted among our friends or if their someone we can depend on. The same goes with the other relationships we may enter, forget what's on the surface and believe in yourself and what your instincts are telling you."

"But I don't know what my instincts are telling me, Lieutenant? I'm so confused and everything I use to believe doesn't make sense any more." Jeffrey stiffened as he spoke, it was apparent from where I sat he was struggling to keep himself and his emotions under control. "I use to think that marry Shelley was all that I ever wanted, that once we were married everything would just fall into place. But, shipping out here and being captured has changed everything. Meeting you..." He broke off, shaking his head.

"Meeting me has changed your ideas about yourself?" I offered carefully.

The young man sitting opposite regarded me sadly. "Yes." He confirmed. The solitary tear that had hung motionless near the corner of his eye finally escaped and slide down his flushed cheek as he spoke. Quickly it was brushed aside in vain attempt to hide what most young men would see as a weakness.

"I can't go back to Shelley." Jeffrey whispered, his voice so quite I had to strain to hear him. A tiny sob escaping his shaking frame as I returned the trusting gaze with sympathy. Accepting discretion was always the better part of valor I forced myself not to move from where I sat and go to him. Odds were he would still resist any physical contact from me and I didn't want to place him in position where he would have to risk appearances. In another time and place I would of gladly held him and offered what support my presence could provide, but now unfortunately

"Jeffrey, if getting to know me has changed how you see yourself now it doesn't mean you can't go home. From what you've told me about Shelley and your parents, they love you very much. It may not be easy for them to except what ever these changes are, but you have to give them a chance. You have to give yourself a chance." I said, hopefully giving him the direction he had lacked before.

"That's it Sam, Ziggy says the odds of the Private even attempting to kill himself now or any time in the future have dropped to negligible. You've done it." Glancing up at Al I managed a quick nod to acknowledge what he had told me. "Stick with the kid and I'll go and check on the others." He added and then vanished.

"I'm not sure they'll understand, they have such high hopes for me and Shelley."

"They may not right a way. But you'll never know if you don't tell them."

Al's sudden reappearance was closely followed by Steve Thorn, who's unexpectant presences put an end to what ever else Jeffrey might of confided in me. The spell of privacy was broken and Jeffrey instantly squared his shoulder, shedding all outward signs that he had been very close to breaking down completely. Standing up as Steve approached us.

"Is this where you two got to?" Thorn announced in a voice loud enough for the entire camp to have heard him.

No one said anything for a moment of awkward silence. Carefully guarded glances from Jeffrey to myself told me he was a little embarrassed, but I read no more of the anger and pain I seen in his eyes as we'd spoken. He'd be okay for the time being, and hopefully for what ever awaited him in the future.

"So you got the Lieutenant to give you hand with the crates." Steve was saying now as he surveyed the disarray around him. "You should of said something Jeff, I didn't think you were in a hurry for them."

"It's okay, I don't think I'll be needed them after all." Jeffrey told the other man. "There no much good for anything anyway." He added toeing the closest crate. "Some of them have rotten slats, see."

I stood back as Steve bent to inspect the whether beaten timber in question. Watching the two young men for a few minutes as they carefully appraised and discussed the uses of the wooden crate. Eventually stepping aside to have a quite word with Al. He was looking positively elated as I joined him at a safe distances from where Jeffrey and Steve were.

"That was great, Sam. I wasn't sure he was gunna let you tell him anything there for a while." My observer told me.

"No, he had me worried too Al. But I'm very glad he did listen, other than following him around there wasn't going to be another way to stop him." I said, glancing over at Jeffrey.

He appeared deeply engrossed in the conversation he was having with Steve now and for the first time since he had woken this morning did I relax. Jeffrey hadn't actually admitted to be gay but it didn't matter, if he was than hopefully I had been able to make what was in front of him a little easier. And if he wasn't then at least the issue of his confusion had been addressed. Breathing a sigh of relief I looked back at Al. His elation was waning and I understood why, my time here was almost over. Any moment now I would leap out, separated once more for God only knew how long from Al. I felt myself torn between the trauma I had suffered while I was here and being away from the image of the man beside me. The gravity of it brought a lump to my throat and my heart arch at the thought of loosing him again. If the memories of this leap left me as I left this host than all I had learnt about myself and Al could be lost also.

"Don't let me forget, Al." I whispered to him as we stood very close now. "Please remind me of what I have and what I could have when I get home."

Al face paled slightly, he looked tired again. His internal clock letting him know the job was done and he could relax. Only he didn't look relaxed, just sad.

"Promise me, Al. Promise to tell me you love me each time you see me, I don't want to forget."

"I promise, Sam." He answered, his voice sounding rougher than usual, fatigue taking it's toll. "I do love you, and if that's what you want than I won't let you forget it for a single moment."

"It is what I want." I told him, feeling myself start to tremble slightly at the thought of leaving him even for a few minutes let alone days. There was something else I wanted though, something I wanted just as much as being reminded of the love that we shared. Al needed to know what he had believed all these years about himself and the Commander was wrong. "I want you to promise me something else, Al." I said, trying to hold on to what time we had left together.

"Anything, Sam."

"Talk to Verbena, ask her to see you...professionally. She can help you deal with what happened while you were here. Help you recover, Al."

I had thought Al would be resistant to the idea of seeking support from Verbena. His past experiences and well known dislike of psychiatrists was not going to be easy to over come. But somehow we would have to find a way, I understood, for both our sakes. I was surprised though at his reaction.

"Already arranged, Sam." He said. "I've talked to her a couple times since you've been here and she wants me to start regular sessions. I didn't like the idea first up but I've agreed. "

"I'm glad."

"Yeah, I thought you might be." Al said, grinning slightly. "She's not bad for a shrink, could be worse I figured. She could look like Gooshie and I'd have to sit there and look at his ugly mug."

Al's answer to everything in situations that were difficult was bad humor. He never did like to say good bye. I couldn't blame him, I thought admiring the way his smile light up his face.

The world around me slow down then, a sensation I could liken to coming to the end of a journey. I knew what it meant. "I love you, Al." I managed before I was pulled abruptly out of 1973 and Al's life. Thrust into space and time once more.

THE END