It was as though there was something holding him back. A voice in his head told him that it was his conscience, berating him for going to Ethan when he should have been fixing things with Brian. If he was honest with himself, Justin knew that Brian was far more important to him than the musician could ever be.

At that moment he didn't care. Something had to give. Justin was too close to being completely happy which meant that very soon something was going to snatch away that happiness. The last time Justin had felt so sure in his life was nearly a year ago. The night of his senior prom. Chris Hobbs had destroyed the most perfect night of his life and Justin wasn't about to let that happen a second time. This time he would be the one wielding the bat. He needed to do something to keep himself from being perfectly content otherwise something else would come alone and wreck what he had with Brian.

Something that they might never recover from.

Justin stopped on the landing one flight below Ethan's dump of an apartment. He was being an idiot. A self-destructing idiot. There he was with the life that most people dreamed of and he was about to fuck it up permanently. And for what? Something that would probably nothing happen. There was no bat wielding maniac out to destroy his life let alone his relationship with Brian. The fates were a bitch-- they'd probably taking lessons from Mel --but they weren't out to get him.

"What the fuck am I doing?" Justin groaned, leaning against the dingy wall with a sigh.

"Hopefully you're going to come upstairs with me and spend the night so that we can watch the sun rise together."

Justin jumped at the sound of Ethan's voice coming from behind him. He tensed when Ethan placed a hand on his back, between his shoulder blades. A few hours before, Justin would have reveled in the touch. Now he felt something akin to disgust stirring in the pit of his stomach. Only that disgust was aimed at himself and not the violinist. It would be have been very easy to blame the other teen, but Justin had entered into the situation with his eyes wide open. His mind might have been full of unconscious plans of self destruction, but he couldn't blame that on Ethan.

"Actually, I was... I was coming to tell you...."

"Tell me what?" Ethan murmured, moving to stand in front of Justin who had yet to turn and face him.

Heaving a great sigh, Justin lifted his eyes to Ethan's. Since the other man was now standing a step above him, he had to crane his neck back in order to see his face.

"That I can't see you. Ever again," Justin eventually forced himself to say.

When Ethan's eyes clouded over with pain, Justin almost took the words back. He couldn't, though. Justin wasn't going to use Ethan to hurt what he and Brian had. While the specifics might have been non-existent, Justin knew that what he shared with Brian was just as important to him as it was to his lover. His partner.

"The truth is, Ethan, I care about you. A lot. What I feel for you goes beyond words and I could easily see myself loving you for a long time.... But I'd be lying to myself if I did that. Because I know that I love Brian more than I will ever love another person in my whole life and it scares the shit out of me," Justin admitted, quirking a small smile. "It probably scares Brian even more. And I would be a cruel, heartless bastard if I willingly hurt the most important person in my life even if it is for someone I truly do care about."

There was a long silence during which neither artist met the other's gaze. At last, Ethan seemed to come to a decision. He pursed his lips and gave a slight nod.

"I was hoping you wouldn't figure that out," Ethan sighed at last.

"I may be a little dense, but I eventually catch on," Justin said ruefully, hoping to lessen the obvious tension in the stairwell. When that didn't work, Justin shoved his hands deep into his pockets and turned to head back down. "I'm just.... I'm gonna go now. Figure out how the hell I'm gone make this up to Brian."

Ethan flashed a quick smile, one haunted by sadness. "You'll figure it out."

With a final nod, Justin began his slow descent down the stairs, never once looking back.

As much as he hated what he had done to Ethan, it was something that had to be done. Before he completely ruined what he had with Brian because of a few meaningless romantic gestures. What he and Brian shared went far beyond romance. It was deep and consuming and no picnic on the floor could change that. A part of Justin had known that all along.

Still, that hadn't stopped him from almost wrecking his relationship with Brian. In a way, though, he was glad that Brian had found out about it because it forced Justin to face what he was doing. Justin had tried to convince himself that the older man wouldn't care what about his affair with Ethan. There were no locks on their doors after all, but that had been a lifetime ago. So much had happened since he and Brian had made up those rules and he was a fool to think he could expect them to live by those rules forever.

Justin knew that things were different between him and Brian. The biggest difference of all was that Brian was actually acknowledging their relationship. As an actual one. True, Brian still had yet to say the words Justin longed to hear-- as he had told Brian countless times, it did not count if he shouted it when he was coming --but Justin knew where he stood in the ad exec's life.

All he had to do was figure out how he was going to stay in that place.

Wanting to give himself more time to think, Justin chose to walk home rather than take a bus. At the same time, he wanted to give Brian more of a chance to cool down. Brian had every right to be pissed at him. Justin was not going to dispute that. Tricking was one thing and even though he didn't buy into it himself, Justin knew that it meant absolutely nothing to Brian. Which was why it had never bothered Justin too much when it happened. What he had done with Ethan was something completely different. Ethan was someone he had actual feelings for. It would be like Brian sleeping with Lindsay. Of course, she would need to have a dick and actually like dick for than analogy to work, but the emotional bond between Lindsay and Brian was there the same way it had been for himself and Ethan.

By the time Justin arrived back at the loft, it was nearly two in the morning. Well before their set curfew. Not that Justin expected Brian to be back that night. After leaving him panting on the floor, Brian had stalked about the confines of the loft for a few minutes before grabbing his jacket and storming out. Only then had Justin thought it safe to get up. Showering quickly, Justin changed into a clean pair of jeans and a tight black tee before making his own exit.

So Justin was incredibly surprised to find Brian already back. What didn't surprise him was that the older man had already shed his shirt and had a bottle of Jim Beam dangling in a lax grip.

"Did your boyfriend kick you to the curb?" Brian snarled as he brought the half-empty bottle to his lips.

"He was never my boyfriend, Brian."

Brian let out a bark of angry laughter. "You sure coulda fooled me. You've been spending more time with him than me lately. I figured you two love birds would have moved in together by now."

"Brian, you're drunk. How about we have this conversation in the morning," Justin suggested, knowing that he wasn't going to make any headway with Brian as long as he was intoxicated.

"Trust me, Sunshine, I am nowhere near being as drunk as I should be," Brian snorted, chugging back even more of the alcohol. "So let's hear it. Let's hear your brilliant reasons for fucking the little twat."

"I wanted to be the one with the bat."

That gave Brian pause before he finally muttered, "What the fuck are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about every time in my life things start to get really good, something comes along and destroys all that," Justin said as he sat down on the coffee table directly in front of Brian. "First there was the prom--"

"Justin, don't," Brian growled, the anger bleeding from his features only to be replaced by sorrow. "That's in the past. Leave it there."

Leaning forward so that his elbows rested on his thighs, Justin kept his eyes trained on Brian's downturned face. "That was the best night of my life. It always will be. But then Hobbs came with his bat and wrecked that. Then there was my mother just after I got out of the hospital. For the first time in weeks, I wasn't scared to let someone touch me. I wanted you to touch me. To make the pain go away and you did. That first night, when I felt your arms around me.... I had waited over a month to feel like that again. Safe. Normal. But my mother couldn't let me have that and she tried to take you away again. Then there was Pride and when I almost had to drop out of school and my dad fucking with my tuition and my birthday and a million other things that I can't think of right now, but are all the same. I was happy and something wrecked it. This time I wanted to be the one to wreck things. For once I wanted to be the one left standing. I wanted it not to hurt."

When he finished, Justin was nearly out of breath. His voice was high, bordering on hysterical and his hands were shaking so badly that even clasping his hands together tightly didn't stop the tremors.

"So I made myself believe that I wanted all that meaningless romance bullshit Ethan kept spewing," Justin continued, his voice cracking as he fought to keep the tears at bay for just a little while longer. "I made myself believe that everything we've been through, everything I feel for you and how much I love you didn't matter because you wouldn't eat on the floor with me. I hurt the one person who matters most to me and--"

Justin's words were silenced as Brian flew forward, sealing his lips over the teen's. Brian did nothing more than press his lips to Justin's, but it was enough to calm the artist. Justin's eyes slid shut as his lips began to tingle from the liquor which remained on Brian's.

"I never wanted to hurt you," Justin whimpered when Brian's lips finally fell away from his. The blonde's eyes were still closed and he nuzzled his forehead slightly against Brian's, wanting to savour his touch for as long as possible. "Never ever. I love you so much Brian and I don't know what the fuck's wrong with me. I just feel like I'm about to self-destruct and I'm not sure if what I did stopped it or just put it off."

"Justin, calm down," Brian ordered, taking the teen's face in his hands and holding his face still so that their eyes met. "You're going to end up having a panic attack. You are not going to self-destruct. I would never let that happen and you know it."

"But I still feel like I'm losing it," Justin insisted, leaning into Brian's touch.

Feeling Brian's lips against his forehead, Justin let out a relieved sigh. He went willingly as Brian pulled him from the table an into his arms, the two of them sinking back into the couch. Justin wasn't fool enough to think that everything between them was fixed, but simply feeling Brian's arms around him made him feel much calmer. More centered than he had been in a very long time. It seemed like forever since he and Brian had shared a quiet moment like that.

"You should have said something before this," Brian said quietly, his voice lacking any sign of accusation. "Let me know that something was bothering you. I'm not a mind reader."

"I know," Justin murmured into the curve of Brian's throat. He sighed in contentment when he felt Brian's lips against the top of his head, snuggling still closer.

Neither man spoke after that, their hands moving silently over the other's body. The movements were slow, the touches gentle and comforting, so unlike the frantic groping from earlier that night.

As much as he would have liked to remain on the couch all night, never once moving from his present position, Justin knew that Brian had to be uncomfortable. Having spent a few nights on the couch himself, Justin knew just how uncomfortable the couch could be when you were doing anything but sitting or lounging on it. Stretched out on his back with his head at an odd angle against the armrest, Brian was going to be feeling it soon.

Sliding out of Brian's arms, Justin met his lover's confused gaze with a reassuring smile as he held out his right hand to help the other man to his feet. Brian stared at the outstretched hand for a few endless moments before reaching out, linking their fingers. Justin released a breath he hadn't even been aware he was holding when he felt the warmth of Brian's palm pressed tightly against his own. That simple touch meant a great deal to Justin. It was one thing to hold Brian's hand, but it became far more intimate when their fingers were entwined. The gesture was one that Brian only shared with a chosen few. They had been several months into their relationship before Brian would link their fingers together while they had sex.

In the bedroom, Justin stopped just next to the bed and turned to face Brian who had been following silently after him. Justin raised his eyes to Brian's, hoping to gain some insight to what was going on in his head. But, as always, the hazel orbs revealed nothing which left Justin with no choice but to play the situation by ear.

Justin kept his eyes trained on Brian as he reached between them to fumble with the fly on the other man's jeans. He couldn't contain the brief smile that flashed across his face when Brian's hand came up to cup the side of his head. Brian didn't return the smile, but the intensity of his gaze spoke volumes. Breaking eye contact first, Justin dipped his head down to maneuver the button through the whole, taking his bottom lip between his teeth as he slowly nudged the jeans down over Brian's hips. Justin made the descent with the jeans, crouching down in front of his lover, easing both them and his underwear down his calves and over his feet.

Brian's hands on his upper arms raised Justin back up so that they were standing face to face. Sucking his lips inwards, Brian slid his hands up Justin's arms, across his shoulders, his fingertips dancing over the teen's chest as he made his way towards the hem of the black tee. As Brian started to tug the shirt upwards, Justin lifted his arms so that his lover could easily slip it off. The jeans were left up to Justin to remove himself, which the teen did as quickly as possible.

Then the two men were standing face to face, barely an inch separating them. Justin wasn't sure whether he should make the first move or leave that up to Brian. Hoping that he wasn't setting himself up for disappointment, Justin slowly lifted his right hand and placed it on the center of Brian's chest. He didn't exert any force, but kept his hand still, reveling in the feel of Brian's warm skin beneath his palm.

The next thing he knew, Brian's hands were cupping his cheeks, the pads of his thumbs brushing against his cheekbones. Brian had yet to say a single word, but his eyes were on Justin's face, searching for something that the teen couldn't quite determine. He must have found it because Brian swooped down for a kiss. A long, intense kiss that went soul deep and left Justin gasping when Brian's lips fell away from his.

It was more emotions than any physical reaction that had Justin gasping for breath. In that one kiss, Justin was privy to what was going on in Brian's mind. There was confusion, a hint of anger and so much relief. In that moment, Justin knew that Brian only cared that he was back with him and not Ethan. Even more relieved was Justin who couldn't fathom what on earth had possessed him to even contemplate starting something with the violinist when he had everything he'd ever wanted with Brian.

Pressing a quick kiss to Brian's unresisting lips, Justin reached up to cup his hands over Brian's which were still holding his face. Linking his fingers with his lover's, Justin slowly pulled their joined hands down and slowly guided Brian towards the bed. He climbed up onto the step that surrounded the mattress then immediately dropped onto his back, pulling Brian with him. The taller man managed to catch himself on his elbows so that he didn't land with his full weight on top of Justin. Not that the teen would have minded. At that moment he wanted Brian was close as humanly possible.

Brian pressed a series of kisses along Justin's collarbone before moving to the side of his throat then up to the corner of his jaw. "If you ever do something like this again, I'll wring your neck, Sunshine," he mumbled against the blonde's skin

His lips turning upwards in a smile, Justin wrapped his arms around Brian's upper body, pulling him upwards so that their faces were even. Lifting one hand to push Brian's bangs away from his forehead so that he could have a clear view of his lover's eyes. "I am so fucking sorry, Bri. I never meant for this to happen. I don't even.... Okay, I do know how it happened, but it never felt real. Not for a single moment. It was like I was stuck in this awful dream or maybe I was hypnotized or something. Who knows."

"I've told you before, sorry's bullshit," Brian said quietly, lowering his head slightly so that his forehead was pressed against Justin's. "What matters is that you got the fuck out of whatever trance you were in before something happened that we'd both regret."

"Can I claim temporary insanity?" Justin questioned, tilting his head slightly so that he could nuzzle the side of Brian's nose with his own.

Chuckling softly, Brian captured the artist's lips with his own, lightly sucking the full, lower lip into his mouth. Justin moaned loudly, tilting his head back and arched his neck to give Brian better access to his body while increasing their contact. He clutched at Brian's hips, hoping to coax the other man still closer.

"Brian, please...." Justin whimpered, his head falling back against the mattress. "I need.... Please...."

Even knowing that Brian was going for a condom and lube, Justin still moaned at the loss of contact between their bodies. He was able to keep his hands on Brian's hips, lightly squeezing the heated skin. His hips thrust instinctively at the sound of the plastic being ripped open by Brian's teeth, longing to feel Brian buried deep inside him. Justin placed his feet on the mattress and pushed his hips upwards so that his asshole was even with Brian's cock.

Both men let out stilted gasps as Brian thrust into Justin with a single movement. Still, that wasn't close enough for Justin. He reached up towards Brian, cupping the back of his neck and attempted to pull his head down. Brian pretended to resist him for a moment before dropping his hands down on either side of Justin's head and seizing Justin's lips in a passionate kiss. Justin wrapped his legs around Brian's hips, pulling the taller man closer and lifting his hips to meet each thrust.

"Never.... Letting.... You.... Go....." Brian grunted in time with his thrusts, his eyes boring into
Justin's. "Mine."

"And you're.... mine," Justin moaned, his head falling backwards as he climaxed.

Seconds later, Brian followed after him, his upper body slumping over Justin's as both men fought to suck in lungfuls of air. Justin could feel Brian's heart thumping at a rapid pace against his chest and sluggishly lifted his arms to wrap around Brian's torso. In that moment, Justin couldn't imagine himself being anywhere else.

"Love you," Justin mumbled into Brian's hair when he managed to get enough breath back in his body to get the words out.

To his surprise, Brian lifted his head, his sleepy, half lidded eyes locked on Justin's face. "You know that I... what you mean...."

Justin offered a lazy grin and nodded his head. "Yeah, I know."

There was a very long pause then, "I love you."

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