Title: Say Goodbye

Author: Jen Imparato

Archive: Yes to ATP, anyone else, email me.

Pairing: Brian/Justin

Rating: R, language

Status: New

Email address: vampirejen@comcast.net

Website: http://lostsouljen.topcities.com/qaf.html (New! check it out and sign the guestbook & slambook. Thanks!)

Disclaimers: Characters are the property of Showtime and CowLip productions.

Spoilers: Season 2 finale

Summary: Post Rage Party, Duel POV, Justin and Brian each react.

Notes: I realize that season 3 is just about 50 days away, and that almost everyone in fanfic land has written the post-rage party fic. I refused to do so (at the time). But this one wrote itself one
night, I guess I was depressed. Anyways, hope you like.

Thank You: To my betas

ANGST WARNING! (Don't say I didn't warn you!)

As soon as I saw Brian fucking `Rage' I knew I had to leave. When I got out to the main dance floor - there was Ethan. Part of me was glad to see him, yet part of me didn't want to be anywhere near him. Before I knew it, we kissed, right there on the dance floor in front of everyone, even Brian. How could I do something that horrible to the man I love? I had to leave, to run away as fast and as far as I could. I paused at the door, Ethan by my side (why was he there?), and looked back. Big mistake. I saw the confused faces of my friends and the expression of sadness and hurt on Brian's face. I was confused, run to Brian or run away? I saw Brian grab the closest body and start dancing, pretending nothing was wrong. So, I left. I ran out the door and down the street, Ethan trialing somewhere behind me, I didn't really care where. I ran two blocks before I had to stop and catch my breath. Ethan caught up to me, finally, and put his arms around me. I shrugged him off, and he looked at me confused. He asked what was wrong, so I told him. "You were there, you saw everything" I said.

"Yeah, you did what you should have done a while ago. You saw how fast he found someone else," Ethan replied.

I felt defensive all of a sudden, I mean Brian may act like an asshole, but I know different. "Are you blind?" I asked, "that's pain management". Here I am making excuses for a man I just walked out on. I had to send Ethan on his way; I needed to deal with this. Before Ethan could say anything, I took his hand in mine, looked into his eyes, and said "I'm sorry".

He looked sad, but I think he understood. "I like you Justin, I really do. Call me if you ever get over him," Ethan said, and walked away.

I watched him walk away until he turned a corner. I wasn't sure what to do next, so I started walking.

I ended up at the loft, when I got there, I knew Brian wasn't home yet. I was kind of happy about that, even though I wanted to talk to him. I doubted that our relationship, if you could call it that,
could be salvaged, but I needed some type of words from him. Even if those words were hurtful.

I still had my key, so I went inside. I figured that I should pack some things and call Deb to see if I could stay with her for a few days until I found a place of my own, or possibly I could stay with
my mom. I looked around the loft, Brian's loft, our loft, and suddenly felt like I shouldn't be here.

Yet, I didn't want to leave. I went into the bedroom and pulled out my duffel bag and schoolbag and started packing. I packed the clothes that would fit, and my sketchbooks and some art supplies. I looked around the room to see if there was anything important, except everything, that I
needed to take right away.

After glancing at my watch and seeing that it was getting late, I decided that I should go because Brian would be getting home soon. I picked up my bags and went into the living room. I remembered the very first time I came here; it seems like so long ago. I don't really want to leave now, just like I didn't want to leave that first time. I looked around the loft again, this time capturing it with my artist's eye for future sketches.

I felt that I should leave Brian a note letting him know I was here, and telling him at least part of what I had hoped to say to him in person. So, I put my bags down in the middle of the room and sat down at Brian's computer desk and looked around for a notepad. It had occurred to me that I was stalling when I realize when I was looking in the same spot for a notepad that was right in front of me the whole time.

There was so much I wanted to say, but all I could write was "Brian". Nothing else was coming to mind. I took the notepad and pen with me to where I left my bags and sat down on the floor. I used to sit in this spot and sketch Brian while he was working at the computer. I pulled out one of my sketchbooks and flipped through it, this one had various drawings of Brian. The very last drawing was of the two of us, Brian in the tux he wore to my prom (he showed it to me hoping that it would help me remember, but he wouldn't put it on even though he had it cleaned.) and me in the tux I wore to my prom. I drew myself from a photo that Daphne's mom had taken of us
at her house before we left. I had hoped that drawing us together like that would help me remember something of that night, other than Brian calling out to me, but it didn't. Brian told me that he liked this drawing the best, even better than the naked one I did of him just after we met. I hadn't noticed the tears streaming down my face until a few tears dripped onto the drawing.

I carefully tore the page from the sketchbook, closed the book and put it on top of my bag. I picked up the notepad again and finished the note to Brian.

Brian,
After I left the Rage party, I wandered around and ended up here. I packed some clothes and sketchbooks, I'll come back another time for the rest, as soon as I figure out where I'm going. Not with Ethan! I want you to have this drawing, you always said you liked it the most. Thank you for everything. I know it's too late now, but I've always loved you and I always will. Don't be a stranger.

Always,
Justin

I put the drawing and note on the kitchen counter.

I kneeled down to put my sketchbook back into my bag, and it hit me, I was leaving Brian. As soon as I walked out of the loft if would really be over. I started crying uncontrollably, so I sat down on the floor. I put my face in my hands and sobbed. I must have fallen asleep because the sound of the door closing woke me up. Brian was home.

*

He left me. Standing there on the dance floor, I watched him with Ethan. He didn't look happy, how ironic, I thought the fiddler made him happy. I know he saw me fucking `Rage', but what did he expect? I've explained to him many times that I'm not the flowers and romantic dinners type. I even gave in so much as to agree to his rules. His rules, yet he broke them. So if he could break his own rules, then I could fuck Rage in the backroom. Hell, I was trying to send him a message - two messages really. First, that I was mad since I was actually playing by the rules, something I never did for anyone. And second, I was shoving him so far off the cliff that he'd never want to hear my name again, let alone see me. But don't think for one second that I was sending him away for his own good. I sent him away for my own good.

If I hadn't sent him away, I would have done whatever I could to get rid of Ethan. Because Ethan is no good for Justin. I know how that sounds. So maybe I do care for the kid. But Brian Kinney changes for no man, especially some barley legal twink. So he deserves to be with someone who will give him the words, and the flowers, and the dinners, if he thinks those things will make him happy.

I watched him kiss Ethan, and then he saw me. I saw the look on his face, fear and sadness, not happiness. He turns and heads for the door, but he stops to look back. Has he learned nothing from me? Never ever look back. I see him realize his mistakes, all of them. I had to dance, to show him that his decision didn't faze me in the least. I flipped my Rage mask down and grabbed the closest guy and started dancing with him. I never saw Justin leave, which is good because I may have thought about calling out or going after him.

Suddenly I could feel the eyes of my extended family staring holes through me. I had to get out of there. I grabbed the guy I was dancing with by the wrist and pulled him through the crowd, passing by Deb and crew I said "his choice, his loss, no big deal", and headed for the back room for the second time that night.

The guy wasn't as hot as Rage, but he served his purpose, a nice ass for me to fuck the living daylights out of. When I was finished with him, I left through the back door. I didn't want to deal with anyone, especially Mikey or Deb. What I wanted was to get home, hit my special stash, and collapse in a blissful heap on my bed.

When I got into the jeep and started it up, I realized that Justin was truly gone. He had walked out on me. I leaned over to check the glove compartment to see if I still had something hidden in
there, and I could still smell Justin on the passenger seat, worst of all there were no goodies in the glove compartment. I took the long way back to the loft, suddenly I wasn't in such a hurry to get
there. What if Justin is there? What if he isn't? Why do I care?

I pulled the jeep into my parking spot. I glanced up at my window, part of me wanted Justin to be there waiting for me, and part of me didn't want him there. Deciding that I was thinking too much, I got out of the jeep and went inside.

The elevator ride to the sixth floor seemed longer than usual. I guess I never realized how long the ride was because I had other things to concentrate on. The elevator ride was usually foreplay
for Justin. I mean my latest trick. and I. Finally I reached my door. I unlocked it and went inside; I knew immediately that Justin was there, even before I saw him. I pulled the door closed, and
stopped dead in my tracks when I saw him. He was sitting on the floor with two bags, his eyes red and puffy, and his face tear-streaked. I knew that he hadn't meant to be here when I got back.

I didn't know what to say or do, so I headed into the kitchen to grab a bottle of water and hit the stash. I noticed the drawing and note on the counter as I passed by it. I couldn't see what he wrote or drew without taking a hit of something. I could hear Justin getting up and gathering his bags as I rummaged through a drawer for my E tabs. I found one and popped it into my mouth, savoring the tingle. I glanced over at Justin, he was at the door, it seemed as if he was unsure of what to do. I hoped he would say something, anything, he can't just leave here in silence. I walked over to the counter to read his note, and I could feel his eyes follow me. I read the note and stared at the picture. I remembered when he first showed it to me. He's right, it is my new favorite of his. It's something like what I envisioned the pictures of us from his prom would look like. The type of picture that I would keep and deny having. I didn't know what to say, so I just stared at him. I guess he was at a loss for words as well, because he held my gaze until I saw the tears well up in his eyes and he had to turn away.

*

As Brian was reading my note, I wanted to sneak out the door as quietly as possible. I knew I wouldn't be able to bear the look on his face when he saw the drawing of us. He looked up after staring at the picture for a minute, and I met his gaze. I hoped he would say something, because words were failing me. I tried to read his face, but I couldn't. He always hid his feelings so well. Maybe if he would have been just a little more open about how he felt about me, it wouldn't have come to this. I can't put all the blame on Brian though, I did make the rules and break every single one of them. When that thought popped into my head, tears filled my eyes and I had to look away.

I knew I couldn't just leave without saying something. I also knew that I needed to hear Brian's voice one last time, even if just to tell me to get out.

The silence was deafening. I couldn't take it anymore, so I said the only thing I could think of to say: "I'm sorry Brian". He looked at me and nodded. For the first time I saw emotion cross his face, not anger like I expected, but something else, maybe sadness, maybe understanding, I don't know. I needed him to say something, but he didn't, so I put my hand on the door handle and tried to pull it open, but I couldn't. I couldn't do it, I couldn't leave. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I started sobbing, I tried not to, but I couldn't stop.

I felt dizzy all of a sudden, like I might pass out. Then there were arms around me, strong arms, Brian's arms. Brian was holding me, and still I couldn't stop crying.

*

I don't know how I ended up holding him, here by my front door. He was going to leave. Once and for all, he was going to close the door on us. I couldn't take my eyes off him. I could tell he was struggling, torn between staying and waiting for me to say something or walking out the door and leaving me behind for good. His body was shaking from his sobs, he looked sick, like he might fall over. My body seemed to move on its own accord, and before I knew it, I was holding him. I think I startled him when I put my arms around him. He turned and put his arms around me and sobbed into my shirt. All I could do was hold him. Nothing I could say would make the situation any better. We both did and said things that we can't take back.

We he calmed down, he pulled back a little and looked up at me. He looked so young, yet so mature. I could see that he was crushed, his emotions were right there on his face, his eyes spoke volumes. First love gone wrong, I want to ask him if it was worth it, but I already know his answer. The answer was in his eyes. "It wasn't supposed to be this way," he said. "I know," I replied, before I could stop the words from coming from my lips.

He smiled rays of sunshine poking through the rain. Maybe I gave away too much with those two simple words. It doesn't matter though. He deserves love, the kind that offers the words and the flowers and the dinners. The type of love I can't give him. All that's left is to say goodbye. I'm going to have to be the strong one; I'm going to have to push him, gently this time. I think he knows it's for the best.

*

How can two little words say so much? "I know". He said he knew that this wasn't supposed to happen this way. He does care, in his own way. I know that he can't express his love as freely as I'd like him to, but his actions always spoke much more than words ever could. He should despise me, but he's holding me. Neither of us wants to let go, because we both know what comes next - saying goodbye. I know it may be the best thing for both of us, but I don't know if I'm ready to go on without him. I love him. "Justin" he says, pulling me close and hugging me tight, as if to leave his imprint, then releasing me at arms length, he said "when you walk through that door, you won't
look back, and you'll have no regrets."

END