A Bird In Hand...
By kirasmommy

Lister sighed as he tried to concentrate on the program on the screen instead of the raging hard on that was demanding his attention. It didn’t help that he had seen the program a thousand times already. He looked toward the bathroom and considered it. Then he shook his head and tried to concentrate on the show once more.

Rimmer looked up from his bunk and shook his head. He wasn’t really lying on the bed he was actually hovering over it. Soft light holograms could not actually lie on beds nor could they touch anything other than another hologram or their own person. "Lister just go into the bathroom and take one of your magazines." He said slightly annoyed.

"Nope not gonna." Lister said trying with all his might to act like he was into the show.

"Listy both you and I know that you are going to slink off to the bathroom magazine in hand and ten minutes later come out, cigarette in hand preparing to take a nap. It happens everyday so just go already and get it over with!"

"Not gonna, I’m a bigger man than that," Rimmer raised an eyebrow as Lister said this and smirked to himself "And I can control myself, I don’t need to go to the bathroom."

"Why? Why bother? No one is here. Just go relieve yourself." Rimmer persisted for no other reason than Lister disagreed and he had to argue.

"Because I’m sick of it! I’m tired of having my right hand for a girlfriend." He ranted jumping up from the chair.

Rimmer’s eyes inadvertently were drawn to the tent in Lister’s pants. "Your body tends to disagree."

"Well I don’t care, I’m not giving in to it." Lister hopped up onto his bunk and covered up with a blanket.

Rimmer laid back down himself and looked up above him. He knew that just above him Dave Lister was tossing and turning. He waited. He knew that Lister would continue as soon as the silence ate at him for awhile. He was soon rewarded for his silence.

"It’s just that I get so lonely out here. And doing that just reminds me how alone I really am you know? I mean I can’t even go out and buy a whore’s attention for an hour."

"Like you could afford an hour?" Rimmer smirked unseen.

"You know what I mean Rimmer." Lister said annoyed.

"Yeah I know." Rimmer said quietly. "If it’s any consolation...I’m not getting any either. Hell I didn’t even get any when I was alive." He knew that would get a wry chuckle.

"I’m just so lonely...I’m tired of touching myself."

"Well...I guess you could always ask Cat." Rimmer laughed heartily.

"Yeah right...like he would care about anyone else’s needs." Lister said disgusted.

(I was joking) Rimmer thought surprised.

"Uh what about Kryten?" Rimmer said gamely.

"Naw he’d just end up yanking it off and I imagine his hands are cold."

The image of Lister losing his most precious body part in such a manner made Rimmer burst out laughing. When he had quieted Lister continued. What he said next though shocked Rimmer.

"And you...you can’t touch anything anyway. I guess you really do know what it’s like because the only one that can touch you is you." He paused for a while listening to the stunned silence. "Sometimes I wish that either I had died too or that you had at least lived."

He turned over in his bunk and covered his head. Rimmer wasn’t sure when he heard the deep breathing whether Lister had went to sleep or was feigning it. He was sure though that he was thoroughly stunned.

An hour later he was still pondering it when he heard Lister sit up and jump down. "Where are you going?" He was thinking to the bathroom I bet.

"I’m going to go get more beer the fridge in here is out."

As Lister shuffled out of the room wrapped in a blanket Rimmer came to a decision. He got out of bed and sat (hovered) in a chair facing the door. "Holly?"

"Yeah what now Rimmer? I’m trying to sleep."

"Computers don’t sleep you smeghead."

"I what?"

"You heard...now I want to ask you a question and then you can go back To..."sleep".... Where is Kryten?"

"Kryten? Asleep."

Arnold J Rimmer rubbed at his head; "Robots don’t...okay so he’s asleep...how long will he sleep."

"Till the morning. Can I go now? I was having a great dream about Data from ST:TNG."

"Yeah go please go, and don’t elaborate."

Rimmer rubbed his hands together. “Alrighty then.” He whispered to himself.

He waited for Lister to return, at first he was going to arrange the pillows but then at the last minute he realized that he would need to get the skutters to help and that would be a bad idea. After all they were the worst gossips he had ever met and he really didn’t want to face an angry mechanoid in the morning.

So he sat on the bunk and waited. And waited...and waited. (Well maybe he passed out drinking.) He frowned. Finally he stood up and went in search of Lister. It took half an hour but finally he found him on the observation deck. Lister wasn’t passed out at least.

“Lister? What are you doing up here?” Rimmer said coming up behind him.

“Looking up at the stars. Thinking...Rimmer? Do you know what time of the year it is on Earth?”

Rimmer shook his head, “No, I couldn’t really tell you. I wasn’t raised on Earth. In fact I seldom went there. I was raised on Io.”

“That’s right, I almost forgot. It’s spring time on Earth, at least where I’m from. The seasons are different for different parts but my little part...my home...it’s spring. It’s April.”

“I’m afraid I don’t know the significance of that.” Rimmer said almost apologetic. He stood as close as he dared; he stood behind Lister leaning forward his mouth close to Lister’s ear.

“In the spring...it’s when everything seems so romantic. Even the animals are boffing each other. Walking in the rain holding each others hand...it’s great.”

Rimmer looked down at his own hand sadly before attempting to sound flippant “Sounds uncomfortable to me! Getting all wet, chilly, I bet the incidence of pneumonia goes up during this romantic time of yours.”

“Aw Rimmer ya just don’t get it. You’ll never get it.” Lister said sadly looking out at the stars.

“Probably not...” Rimmer said staring at the back of Lister’s head before turning his attention to the stars outside.

“Oh look...at that planet over there...a meteor shower is hitting it.” Rimmer pointed.

In the distance a dark planet revolved. As the meteors hit the atmosphere the blocks of rock burst into flame. A shower of fire could be seen streaking the planet's atmosphere.

“Beautiful” breathed Lister as he turned around to face Rimmer who was closer than he realized. If Rimmer had been solid their noses would have bumped. Lister looked awkwardly at the floor of the observation deck. “Um...Rimmer man, I uh...” Lister looked around.

“It’s okay I understand.” Rimmer said gently as he walked to the small bench. Lister followed him back and sat down beside him. He tried to pretend that he didn't notice that Rimmer was actually hovering about an inch above the bench.

Rimmer looked awkward as he started to speak again, “I sorta have an idea...I was going to suggest it back in our quarters but when you didn’t come back...anyway...uh...”

“What?”

“How about if I sorta helped you out?”

“Rimmer you’re a hologram you can’t touch anything.” Lister said as gently as possible.

“I know that you git. I mean I can help make it...seem like you aren’t touching yourself...”

“How?” Lister asked quietly.

“Just do as I tell you.” Rimmer said as he leaned close.

“What if Kryten...?” Lister started.

“He’s asleep he won’t wake until ship’s morning.” Rimmer held up a finger. Then smiled. “First close your eyes.”

Lister closed them for a second then he peaked out from under one eye. “Close them” Rimmer said.

“Lay back...you have a beautiful body...The hand that touches you isn’t your hand it’s my hand...”

“Rimmer I can feel myself touching me...”

Rimmer interrupted him; “No you aren’t touching yourself you are touching me!”

“Ahh I see where you are going with this.” He smiled as he unbuttoned his pants with his eyes still closed.

“Do you feel me touching you? Do you feel me touching the tip and sliding my hand back down? Am I gripping it hard enough? Do you want me to relax my grip?”

“Nah man it’s fine.” He murmured.

Rimmer leaned down and continued to whisper to Lister. Quietly, suggestively, the entire time.

When Lister came it was Rimmer’s name he called. “Ah man that was better than it has been in three million years.”

“Well then shall we meet again tomorrow night.” Rimmer said business like.

“Yeah but let’s do it our quarters I’ve got a crick in my back.” Lister walked off to his quarters humming.

Rimmer just looked sadly after him. “Maybe someday I’ll find those aliens that will give me a real body.” He looked at his own hand and shrugged as he followed Lister.



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