THE ROUND ROBIN AUTHORS

[EA KARRAS], [ROSE M GLASS], [PEJA], [KAIBURR], [HUNTER], [KIRASMOMMY], [KIM]and MAX

Alternative Universe

PART ONE
By
EA Karras

Rimmer stood outside the stasis booth, the computer virus raging through her systems like a wildfire. She watched as the skutter, Bob, poked in the release codes for the booth. She'd been waiting three million years for this day.

Three million years, alone save for the skutters (and there was only one left, now), she'd been waiting and keeping watch on the booth. Making sure the right nutrients got in there, making sure Dave Lister, the last human, didn't croak.

It wasn't entirely Rimmer's idea. No, he was sure Kochanski's inprints being thrust upon her had something to do with his apparent devotion to her new duties. That and guilt. When she had been Arnold Rimmer, and not Arlene, she had been assigned to repair the drive plate.

And she's killed everyone.

Not on purpose, of course, but she still blamed herself. She was going to keep this one alive if it killed her.

As the last human stepped out of stasis, she put on her best smile. "Welcome back to reality, Listy."

part two
by
PEJA

Lister threw Rimmer a sleepy eyed scowl. "Don't start with me. I haven't had me insert coffee, tea or cig in way to long. Point me in the direction of one, two or all of the above and don't be saying nothing until I'd had at least a pot and a pack."

"We're all out." Rimmer lied through his holo-teeth.

"Out....? Out...? as in there ain't no more? How do you run out of anything on a ship that makes the stuff out of reassembled atoms." Lister looked at him through more awake eyes. "You're lying."

"No I'm not."

"You are."

Not."

"Are."

"Not."

"Not."

"Are."

"And the truth comes out. So why are you lying?"

Rimmer's shoulders slumped. "You must live."

PART THREE
By
Kaibarr

"So where is everyone?" Lister asked as they headed toward one of the debriefing rooms. "It's quieter than Liverpool the day after a losing football match."

If Rimmer was a mechanoid, her guilt chip would have caused a meltdown. "Er, well.... they're dead."

"What?"

"They're dead. There was a radiation leak... you've been in stasis over three million years now, Lister."

"Three million years??" Lister repeated, astonished. "I've been sober for three million years? I need a drink. And a smoke. How'd it happen? And where's Hol?"

They reached the debriefing room. "The drive plate wasn't repaired properly."

"That's Rimmer's job, innit? The smeghead..."

"Lister."

"And why are you calling me that? You *never* used to call me Lister, it was always Dave. It's like... you're different somehow. The flaring nostrils, the twitch in the right leg, the way you talk... Maybe I've been in stasis too long, but..."

"I'm Rimmer."

It was bad enough being sent into stasis, deprived of pay, ciggies, lager, and curry. Bad enough to come out three million years later, the last human being left alive. But this, *this* was the last straw.

"You're.... Rimmer?" Lister asked, hoping he'd heard the last part incorrectly. "You look just like Krissy, my Krissy, but inside you're Rimmer? Arnold-smegging-Rimmer?"

"Well," Rimmer said, hedging, "yes. Sort of."

"I *really* need a drink now."

He slumped into a chair and stared hard at the grey floor.

PART FOUR
By
Hunter

A moment later, Lister looked up. "Sort of? What do you mean, sort of? And if you're really Rimmer, how the smegging hell did you end up looking like Krissy?"

"Um, er, it's complicated," Rimmer said, shifting uncomfortably. She didn't want to admit that she hadn't a clue. Her memories of that time had become somewhat sketchy. Holly's memory banks, that she had become linked to when "it" happened, had become corrupted over the millennia. There were times when she felt lucky to remember her own name.

Lister waited for Rimmer to continue, then said,"You don't know, do you."

"Of course I do, you gimboid. I simply meant that it's too complicated for someone like you to comprehend. Only someone with a detailed knowledge of hologrammatic programming, and micro engineering could understand the intricacies of the events that led to my being trapped in the body of that snooty cow Kochanski," Rimmer replied, giving Lister his best look of smug superiority.

"Since when are you an expert on all those things, Mr. failed the engineering exam 12 times. Now look, either tell me what the smeg is going on, or point me in the direction of the nearest curry and lager and leave me the smeg alone."

"Now look here," Rimmer said, getting angry. "The only reason you're still alive is because I took care of you. The least you can do is..." A signal from the ship's computers caught her attention, and she paused.

"Well?"

"The ships sensors have picked up a strange life form on board, and it's heading our way."

Part Five
by
Kirarose

"YOWWW I'm lookin good!" The life form in question did a little dance and a complicated spin before pulling out a mirror in a flourish that most magicians would envy. "How am I looking now?"

He sighed in loving admiration. "I'm looking dangerous! WOyowww!"

He beebopped on down the hallway before perking up his ears and smiling. He heard.....female!

(The ships sensors have picked up a strange life form on board, and it's heading our way)

"I'm goin ta get you little kitty, I'm going to get you little kitty!" he sang under his breath as he smiled. He shuffled toward the door.

As the door swooshed open the life form slid into the room and spun around before stopping before Rimmer.

Dave Lister jumped back and scrambled over the table behind him. "Who are you?"

"The cat of your dreams baby!" The Cat said as he tried to take Rimmer's hand and completely ignored Dave Lister.

"Hey man! Back off!" Dave said as he came to stand in front of Rimmer.

Then a look of puzzlement slowly crawled across his face. "He could touch you?"

"I'm hard light now!" Rimmer said as she tried to keep Lister between her/him and the handsy Cat who was chasing her around Lister who was deep in thought.

"How did that happen?" Lister said after a minute. "Hey! I'm talking here!"

The Cat ceased his pursuit as he pulled out a comb and started to comb his hair. "No problem."

"It happened around the same time as I got this body."

"In other words you don't know." Lister smirked.

"I know....I just have to figure out a way of dumbing the language down to where a simian like you would understand." Rimmer said unconvincingly as she folded her arms across her chest.

"Yeah right! You're still an utter smeg head Rimmer!" Lister shook his head with a smile. "Now you! What...Who...are you? Cat?"

PART SIX
By
E A KARRAS

"That's what I am, and that's who I am." Cat's attention was still fixated on Rimmer.

"He's felinoid," Rimmer stated, a touch of Kochanski entering his mind. "Sensors say he's a humanoid cat," She looks a bit perplexed at that. Rimmer didn't recall any...landings. Which meant the thing had been here all along.

"Way to go, Frankie." Lister grinned, nodding. Suddenly a thought popped into his head. "Hey. Where's Kryts? He the one who made you 'hard light'?"

Rimmer shifted, uncomfortably, trying to keep her distance from Cat. "Not exactly."

"Where's he at?" Lister stared at Rimmer, trying to get an answer. It took the hologram a moment to reply.

PART SEVEN
by
PEJA

Rimmer stood making circles on the floor with one toe and swaying back and forth like a child at the beach who had suddenly found himself neck deep in trouble.

"Answer me, you bleeding smeghead," Lister demanded, patting his pockets for a pack of cigarettes that did not exist. He always needed a cigarette when he had to deal with Rimmer. It kept him from smashing in the man's....holo's face.

"Well....You gotta understand....we've been in space a very long time...."

Yeah, yeah yeah, three thousand years. I don't want to hear about that again."

"Well, huh, you know how I like to keep things organized...."

"If you think chaos is organization," Lister grumbled, running his hands over shelves and through cabinets as the need to punch a certain stalling holo grew. "Get on with it."

"well, I seem to remember something about a burned out transceiver...transformer...transsomething or other...."

That got Lister's full attention and he turned to face Rimmer. "And?"

"Well, I was gonna get to it. Put him away for when I had time to do the repairs, "

"So.....?"

"That was back around the first thousand years. I got.....distracted.....huh?" Rimmer ducked his head.

"Well where is he?"

"Huh, well...huh..."

"Rimmer?"

Rimmer looked up with tears in his eyes. "I forgot where I put him."

PART EIGHT
By
Hunter

Lister stared at Rimmer incredulously. This from the man who was so anal he had a different shoe tree for each day of the week? "So? Haven't you gone looking for him? After all, you've had three million years. Red Dwarf isn't that big," Lister said, glaring at Rimmer.

"Yo, people, I'm getting bored here. You," Cat said to Lister, "go find some food, and leave her," and he leered at Rimmer, "to me."

Rimmer and Lister jumped, having been so intent on their argument, er, discussion, that they had forgotten the Cat's presence.

Cat got up from where he had been reclining, posed decoratively on top of a nearby table, dividing his attention between ogling Rimmer, and admiring his reflection.

Slinking over to Rimmer and Lister, he pushed between them, and tried to kiss Rimmer. Rimmer tried to pull away, but Cat just grabbed her again.

"Leave her alone!" Lister yelled, and yanked Cat away from Rimmer, then knocked him to the floor with a hard right hook.

"Listy, you saved me," Rimmer said, surprise making her voice rise to a squeak.

Lister looked confused for a moment, then said, "Don't let it go to your head. I just did it 'cause you look like Krissy, and I forgot that it was really just you. I won't make that mistake again."

Before Rimmer could reply, Cat leapt off the floor with an angry snarl and tackled Lister, knocking him to the floor. ³The female is mine. I saw her first, and she¹s mine.²

Lister threw Cat off him and to the side, then rolled to his feet. Cat bounced up at the same time, and the two of faced each other, while Rimmer cowered behind Lister.

Lister stepped to the side, leaving Rimmer unprotected. ³You want her? You...²

³Listy, please,² Rimmer said, clinging to Lister¹s arm. Lister looked down into the pleading eyes of his old girlfriend.

³Smegging hell. All right, but you are going to owe me big time for this Rimmer.² He shook off her hold and turned back to Cat. ³As I was saying, you mangy excuse for a furball, you can¹t have her.

³Then I¹ll fight you for her.² Cat yowled and attacked Lister. The fight was a short one. Lister drew on his lifetime¹s experience with barroom brawls and angry boyfriends, and easily defeated Cat.

Cat slowly got up, looked down at his suit, which was torn in half a dozen places. ³Oh no, you ruined the suit. This was my best red satin.² Still muttering, he spun around and prowled out of the room in search of new clothes.

Lister watched him go, then turned to glare at Rimmer. ³All right, he¹s gone. I want a drink, and I want it now, and I don¹t want any more excuses.²

PART NINE
by
kirasmommy

"A drink?" Rimmer thought hard trying to remember exactly where they too were, she decided to stall. "What kind of drink?"

"The kind where I can get totally blasted drunk and the next morning wonder where the traffic cone came from!" Lister nearly roared, it wasn't so much out of anger that he was yelling as it seemed the best way of diverting his own confusion.

She gave a half hearted shrug and he finally sighed and grabbed her hand pulling her behind him as he stomped off in search of beer, booze, or what ever substance he could find that would make it easier to forget that he was trapped with a smeghead inside a beautiful woman's body, and a sex driven vain cat.

Rimmer flushed as she tried not to think about the warmth of his hand and then she mentally cursed Kris' influence over her mind. (I am not interested in him, I am not interested in him, It is only that dead tart's influence.) Rimmer flinched as a pain lanced through her hologramic brain. (okay maybe not a tart)

"Holly! Where is the nearest can of lager?" He waited a second. Rimmer fidgeted.

"Hol? HOLLY?" Lister looked vaguely concerned.

Rimmer closed her eyes and cleared her thoat.

"Rimmer where is Hol?" Lister asked quietly.

"Umm see, well uh, there's a problem with Holly."

"What problem?" Lister asked growing more concerned.

"He don't exist per se anymore." Rimmer said quietly.

"WHAT?" Lister stormed off in the direction of the control room.

Rimmer hurried to catch up with him. She found him walking round all the control panels trying to boot them up.

"Rimmer! Who is flying the smegging ship?!" He asked as he tapped more controls that were dead. He jumped in surprise as Rimmer lightly touched them and they came back to life.

She smiled sadly at him, "I am."

He sat down in the nearest chair. "Whaaaat?"

"I'm flying the ship. I'm Holly, I'm Rimmer, I'm Krissy. I'm all three, we sorta merged. I think it happened when Kryten tried to boost Holly's CPU. He was getting computer senility. He couldn't even complete a full sentence. Kryten tried to fix it."

"I'm The cook, the captain..." Lister whispered wide eyed.

"What?" Rimmer looked confused.

"Nothing stupid poem from the twentieth century about cannibalism."

Rimmer wrinkled her little nose.

Lister looked at Rimmer with a little sympathy, "You honestly don't know where Kryten is?"

Rimmer shook her head on the verge of tears.

Lister dropped his head in his hands feeling like a heel. "You got Holly's computer senility didn't you?"

A bare whisper answered him "Yes."

"Aw man I'm sorry, why didn't you just tell me." Lister ground out a cigarette before lighting a new one.

Rimmer's eyes shimmered between anger and self pity. As she spoke her voice rose and became more hysterical with every sentence. "Oh what was I supposed to say. Oh yeah, by the way....I've lost most of my mind! I can't remember who I am half the time and my name? Forget it I don't know most the time. That I talked to Bob the skutter for a week before I realized that he couldn't answer back? That I look in the mirror and I wonder who the hell I'm supposed to be? That I can't remember half the time why I looked after you? That I know longer know if I love you with my very being or hate your chipmunk cheeks? That I somedays know how every component of this ship runs then the next day I don't even remember the capital of Texas? That I would have killed myself or turned myself off long ago if it wasn't for watching you? Waiting for the day when I could release you?"

Lister grabbed Rimmer and pulled the hard light hologram to his chest smoothing her hair. "Calm down. It's all right, we'll fix this."

Rimmer bit her lip hard to keep any tears from falling.

Lister sighed and rolled his eyes as he pulled her closer and wrapped his arms around her. (Well Krissy's in there somewhere) he thought to justify it. "Rimmer? Is that how Kryten got hurt? Trying to boost Holly?"

The tears finally fell as she answered, "I can't remember...today."

In the hallway Cat beebopped back in wearing a new suit. "Hey buds."

Lister glared at the oblivious cat. "What do you want? Get out!"

Cat shrugged and crawled into a chair ignoring him like nothing had happened.

Lister was about to go over and remind him when Rimmer pulled him back. "He is a cat, he thinks like a cat, for him it is in the past and forgotten, you won, he has gone on with his life."

Lister nodded slowly, "So we have to keep that in mind."

Cat looked up, "Hey, I want fish!"

Both Lister and Rimmer rolled their eyes.

"Well I guess first thing we should do is feed the cat." Lister sighed.

"And the second?" Rimmer asked.

"Find Krytie!"

PART TEN
by
Thesseli

Lister carefully broke off the embrace with the hologram and glanced over at the Cat. "Let's go down to the mess. You can have all the fish you want."

"Yeeoow! That's just what I wanted to hear, buds," said the Cat, and vanished through the control room door.

Lister looked back down at Rimmer, trying to sound nonchalant. "Fancy a trip to the mess?"

She shrugged. Then her eyes lit up. "You know, I think there might be some lager there."

"Well then, let's go," he replied, although he was feeling rather ambivalent. Alcohol might not be the best thing right now. They needed to work out what to do next -- namely, how to find Kryten -- and for that, at least one of them needed to have a clear head. He was starting to recover from the effects of stasis, but even _his_ memory was a little wonky after all that time in suspended animation. Had he really been in stasis for three million years, or was it three thousand, or had Rimmer simply lost count? And he was sure he'd heard the term 'hard light' before today, but he couldn't for the life of him remember when. And Kryten...when had they picked up Kryten? And wasn't the Cat acting awfully strange?

He'd feel better after a sit and a think. It would give him time to get his brain back up to speed. Too bad it wouldn't do the same for Rimmer.

Lister sighed. He felt sorry for Rimmer, he felt really bad for him. Especially after he'd learned about the computer senility, and the memory loss, and all that. And it didn't help the way he looked like Kochanski. He had to forcibly tell himself This Is Arnold Rimmer...but it didn't really help. His first instinct had been to protect her, when Cat came in; and since then he'd been noticing how nice she looked..._he_ looked, Lister corrected himself yet again. How nice _he_ looks...smeg, this wasn't helping.

He watched Rimmer's bum as she walked ahead of him, then forced his eyes away. Probably glad he remembers the way there, Lister thought, trying not to think too much about the body his former bunkmate was wearing. He was also trying not to think about how the ship was being flown by the man who'd failed his Astronavigation exam eleven times. Or was it thirteen times? He couldn't remember. Still, he supposed he should be grateful he hadn't crashed them into a sun or something before he'd had the chance to bring him out of stasis.

If they could just find Kryten, he thought fervently. He might be able to help us -- to tell us how this happened, and maybe find a way to undo it. To separate Rimmer from Krissy, to get Holly back, everything.

He found himself eyeing Rimmer's behind again and winced. Before he went totally off the deep end.

PART ELEVEN
by
EA Karras

Rimmer felt Lister's eyes on her, and slowed down so he could catch up. "What?"

"What what?" Lister asked, innocently.

"What're you looking at?"

Smeg. Lister gave Rimmer a look, "You're sure it was three million years?" He inquired, changing the subject quickly. He deflated at Rimmer's sigh, watching as she shook her head, looking down again.

The hologram felt very bad, hating not being able to remember or retain any factoid for more than a day, then having sudden recall of things that had happened four years prior. "Pretty sure."

"Pretty sure?"

"It could be longer."

Lister shook his head, glancing over at the Cat, who was dancing along, spraying things happily with a tiny perfume bottle. Or what he hoped was perfume. He shuddered at that thought. "Ok. We'll add that to the "to do" list. Find out the date."

"Fine." They entered the mess, and she scanned the room trying to remember where she'd hidden the lager.

PART TWELVE
By
PEJA

Lister sauntered across the mess, trying to ignore the woman/man who wandered the room intently, trying even harder to ignore the ghosts that lingered laughing, joking....taunting him.

Three million years. Forever and an eye blink in time.

It had to be a Universal record.

His hand went to the ever present cigarette nestled in the curve of his ear and lit up. His dark gaze traced back to the woman shape.

Kochanski.

Rimmer.

Woman.

Man.

Smeg.

Three million years. Give or take a couple hundred.

Rimmer whirled around, meeting Lister's blazing gaze. "Lister....." His woman lips moved silently, his eyes, the eyes of the woman who had hauntd his wildest wet dreams widened like a deer caught in the headlights.

Lister took a step toward him....her...his arms reaching out for forbidden fruit.

Rimmer shrieked once and bolted through the door.

part thirteen
By
Kaiburr

Oh smeg.

He'd thought after he died, things couldn't get worse. Then Rimmer had decided that once he'd been trapped in an amalgamation of himself, Kristine Kochanski, and Holly, things couldn't get worse.

Then he'd lost Kryten. Then he'd gone computer senile, a virus raging through him threatening to kill him a second time.

And now he was being chased down the corridors of Red Dwarf by a horny Dave Lister.

Who if he caught him, would...

Something stirred within Rimmer, something he wasn't about to acknowledge. But some tiny part of him wasn't entirely adverse to the thought of Lister catching him.

Worst of all, Rimmer wasn't even sure if it was him or Kochanski thinking it.

Part Fourteen
by
Hunter

Then his self-preservation kicked in. It was Kochanski thinking it, it had to be. Otherwise... no, he wasn¹t going there. He had sworn, after That Incident when he was fourteen that he would never ever think of anything like that. As a matter of fact, he would never even think about what "that" was. And so, once again pushing all painful memories out of his head, he continued running away from Lister.

Two corridors later, he found he was rapidly running out of options. Who knew that chipmunk cheeked, curry and lager loving slob could run so fast? 'This is ridiculous,' Rimmer thought. 'I'm a hologram. I shouldn't get tired, should I? I wish I could remember. Now, do I take corridor eight, or corridor ten to get to the medibay? And am I supposed to use a tranquilizer or a sedative to knock him out? Damn Kryten anyway, the smeghead. Why did he have to leave me all alone?'

Acutely aware of the fact that he was about to cry, Rimmer swore at Kochanski, blaming her for all the unmanly urges he was having, and started running again. Turning down the right hand corridor, he heard Lister call out from behind him, "Krissy, where are you? Come back to me, Krissy!"

Shuddering, Rimmer opened one of the storage room doors to his left, and ducked in. Maybe if he stayed hidden in here for a while, the sex-crazed Lister would calm down enough that Rimmer could convince him that he wasn't Kochanski, and thus not someone Lister should be interested in.

Fumbling though the darkness, he ducked behind some boxes piled up in back, and held his breath. Suddenly, a rasping noise almost like speech echoed through the darkness, something cold and hard brushed against the back of his neck, and Rimmer shrieked.

Alternate universe part 14
by kirasmommy

"Wait! WAIT! Rimmer! I'm not going to hurt you!" Lister called out to her trying to keep up.

They found themselves in a dead end corridor. "Rimmer?"

The still form in front of him did not turn around and only continued to stare at the wall. "Rimmer?"

Lister quietly came closer until he was standing next to her. "Rimmer?"

The woman turned to him with a blank look on her face and he felt his heart constrict. "You don't know who I am do you?"

She shook her head slowly. "I'll remember again. I always do. I think I remember remembering eventually. It will come back to me again." She told him faintly.

He pulled her into his arms. "Smeg."

She hugged him back and smiled at him. "I'm glad you are awake now. Unless this is a dream again and you aren't really awake and I've fallen asleep in front of your booth again. That happens sometimes. It gets confusing. Confusing when dreams and memories and real life all merge and flow into each other with no rhyme or reason. All three of us each with our own. I can't tell when I'm her or when I'm him or when I'm it. Logic is out the door now. Not that it ever had its foot IN the door in this situation. I think I may die soon. I don't think it will hurt. I don't remember it hurting last time. It went real quick."

As she spoke Lister groaned to himself and hugged her tightly. "We've got to find Kryten."

She laughed, "I remember Kryten. He was on the cleaning crew wasn't he? He interrupted one of our dates because he wanted to clean the pool table."

"Yes, I remember that." Dave smiled sadly.

Rimmer's expression changed a little. The smile became a little superior and the nostrils flared a little more. "Stupid gimboid got broke. He had a theory that if he could just merge the holographic program with Holly's cpu that it would raise the computer's intelligence. He figured out that Kochanski had one of the higher IQ's on the ship. He was going to
take her program and insert her in with Holly's programming. I knew it was a bad idea."

Dave Lister listened quietly as the person in front of him changed once more. The eyes got a little duller and the mouth stayed open just a little when next she began to talk. "It almost worked."

"Almost." Lister whispered. "The merge wasn't complete was it?"

Rimmer shook his head slowly.

"Rimmer? Hol? Krissy? Do any of you remember where Kryten was put?"

The eyes changed expression three times in rapid succession. "Your bunk!"

Rimmer smiled and laughed happily. "I remember! Your bunk! I put him in your bunk because it seemed like the best place to remember!"

Lister grabbed her by the hand and pulled her down the corridor. "We're going to fix you Rimmer! I promise we will make you better! The merge almost worked. I think it would have worked. We just need to complete it."

As the door slid open the hulking shape of the cleaning mechinoid lay in what was once Lister's bunk.

Rimmer blinked. "I remember that he was electrocuted during the experiment."

Alternative Universe Part 15
by Kim

Lister looked down at the inert form on the bunk, his mind racing. He might only have been a technician, and a third
technician at that, but he did know a few things about mechanical equipment...even if that equipment was usually on the
order of chicken soup machines. But there had to be some similarity between the circuits that ran them both.

He thought back to before the accident. Electrocution? He knew that a massive electrical discharge could disrupt electronic equipment; and that afterwards, it would have to be reset or rebooted or restarted. A few burned-out components might have to be replaced, but generally the machine was salvageable. If that was the case, they might be able to get Kryten working again. The trouble was, neither he nor Rimmer had any experience in fixing anything as complicated as a mechanoid -- still, there had to be similarities to machinery they'd worked with before.

This might be doable.

He grinned over at the hologram. "Let's go get some tools and Kryten's owner's manual, and get him fixed."

Part 18 soon