Love 'Em And Smeg 'Em

by Mercutio

mercutio@europa.com

SUMMARY: Rimmer. Humor. Vague sexual references. Kochanski has been drugged with an aphrodisiac. Can Rimmer save the crew? Can he make it with a woman?

NOTE: All of my stories are available on my webpage: http://www.europa.com/~mercutio/Stories.html

ARCHIVE: Please. As often as possible, and anywhere you like.



Love 'Em And Smeg 'Em
by Mercutio

"Even if I had any interest in having sex with you, Ms. Kochanski, doing so would still be a betrayal of my relationship with Listy, so..."

No. It didn't even sound believable to the mirror. God forbid Holly be listening to it as well.

"You just don't do anything for me, Kristine. I like my women..."

No. He'd about as much social life as a gnat. Less. His actual preference was in women was breathing. And there was a good chance she'd know that.

"I've sworn a vow of chastity."

Yes. Perfect!

Arnold Rimmer unlocked the door of the head, where he'd fled after Kristine Kochanski had accidentally been exposed to a sample of the Cat's blood, causing her to become sexually insatiable. Of course, his duty had clearly been to throw himself between the threat and his fellow crewmates, offering up his body as a sacrifice, but he'd needed to do some crucial grooming first. Yes, that was it. He'd been preparing himself for the awesome ordeal to come, and now that he was ready, he would heroically leap into the gap as it were and rescue them all.

He strode majestically into the cockpit, and promptly tripped over Kryten's collapsed body.

"Kryten! What are you doing on the floor, you idiotic android?"

Kryten didn't respond, but he had a wide grin fixed on his face.

Rimmer picked himself up. Lister and the Cat were similarly sprawled in the cramped space, half-naked and clearly insensible to the world. He was too late to save them. Damn the workings of fate.

The siren who'd done this sat collapsed into a chair. She looked up as he touched her shoulder gingerly.

"Oh, it's you," she said in tones that Rimmer felt properly reflected the dread she should be feeling now that her nemesis had finally arrived. Kochanski continued, "I wondered how I'd lucked out. Thank god, I'm too tired for another round. Be a good boy now, and sod off." Her eyes closed, and she slumped backward, unconscious.

*Well,* he thought, snorting to himself. *_She_ certainly wasn't worth the full glory and magnificence that is Arnold J. Rimmer!*

Pity she'd passed out though.



-the end-