THE CAT ROUND ROBIN
Part one
by MAX

The Cat, feeling sexy and good looking, ran down the halls of Red Dwarf, screaming at the top of his lungs, "I will personally make love to any woman that comes within 2 feet of me! Right here, right now! Who's it gonna be, who's the lucky one?"

At the same moment, Lister turned the corner....



Part Two
by PEJA

A frown pulled Lister's brows low over his dagger sharp gaze and he made a snorting sound in the back of his throat.

Distracted from his amourous pursuits, Cat back-peddled to rub affectionately against Lister.

"Knock it to smeg off," Lister said, side-stepping away.

"Eeeeooowww..." Cat protested, moving in for another rub. "Why you want to go and treat me like that?"

Lister held him off with one hand. "How long," Lister demanded. "have you been prowling the corridors for a woman, Cat?"

Cat tilted his head. "Since I came into heat.... twenty seven years ago."

Lister nodded. "And how many women have you come across in all that time?"

Cat flicked up one finger...two...three, and scowled. "None."

A sardonic smile curved Lister's lush lips. "And what does that tell you?"



Part Three
by Max

The Cat thought about it for a minute. Then he took another minute and thought some more. Finally, he knew he had arrived at the answer. The only answer that could make any kind of sense in a rational universe.

"I'm too good looking! I must have scared them all off!"

Lister shook his head. "No, that's not it."

The Cat's face fell. "It isn't? Then why aren't any sexy ladies running after the most handsome guy around?"

"Because there ARE no ladies," Lister explained for what had to be the 80th time that week, "none at all. No human women, no cat women, no women that aren't inflatable! There are no women anywhere!"

"So, wait, let me get this straight...what you're saying is, there are NO women?"

Lister sighed.

"So what am I supposed to do NOW?"



Part Four
by PEJA

"Smeg off." Lister waved an impatient hand and stepped around the cat.

Not to be put off, Cat wrapped himself around Lister's arm and clung. "Lister, what am I supposed to do. I'm to young...to lovely....

"Too horny?"

Cat thought that over. "Well....yeah. We gotta find a woman."

Lister pried himself free of the cat and grinned cruelly. "You could always give a man a try."


Part Five
by Hunter


Cat stood there speechless, staring at Lister, who was enjoying Cat's stunned look. It wasn't often he could get the vain feline to stay quiet for more than five seconds at a time

"A man? Dude, is that even possible?"

"Oh yeah, it is," Lister replied, hoping he would drop it, or go pester Rimmer.

"But how?"

Lister whispered in Cat's ear for several minutes. As he listened, Cat went from incredulous "They do what!?!?", to disgusted "I mean, dude, that is so gross!", to intrigued "Really, it feels better? I would've thought...", to speculative "Well, since there're no women around, maybe..." while giving Lister the look he usually reserved for a great fish dinner.

Lister, noticing this, started to back away. "Um, you realize this is all just hypothetical, I mean none of us are, um, Cat, what are you doing?"


Part 6 Soon