Title: Letting Go

Author: Courtney

Email: MsDawCreek@aol.com

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: Not mine.

Spoilers: Up to ID4

Summary: Michael's thoughts during the bedroom scene in ID4

Distribution: If I sent it to you then yes. If you have posted my stuff before then yes. If you have a webpage and you send me the URL then yes. It'll also be on my fanfic site at http://courtney.simplenet.com/fanfiction/roswell



LETTING GO
By Courtney

I stand outside her house in the rain. I can see her window, see her at her window. As much as I know I should, I can't make myself turn away. I want her to see me, to heal me. She doesn't have any "secret powers", but I know that only Maria can heal me right now.

I watch her, not knowing what else to do. I feel like I've lost everything. She's the only thing left to hold onto. After all the times I've pushed her away, will she still be within my reach?

She sees me. I can see her face, her expression changing as our eyes meet. She's surprised, then hopeful, then determined. She turns away quickly, looks like she's drinking something, then turns back. I can hear her voice muffled through the rain-streaked windowpane.

She asks me why I'm here, what I want, tells me that I can't come in, that I'm not getting in again. I know the window is not the only thing Maria is trying to keep me out of. She's trying to keep me out of her life, her soul, her heart. But she's a part of all of those things in me. And I can't turn away. I don't have any place left to turn to.

She's still talking. I can't register her words any longer. I can just see her face. It's the only thing I can think of. Maria, please let me in. Please don't turn me away. What am I going to do if she's finally had enough of me? Where am I going to go?

And then she stops talking. And she opens the window.

Once I'm inside, I don't know what I came here to do. I don't know what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling or what I plan to tell her when she asks questions. And I know she'll ask questions. That's just what she does. She asks me things that I don't want to answer, makes me face the truth even when it's ugly, even when it hurts so bad. Maybe that's why I'm here. Maybe I need to tell someone the truth for a change.

But she doesn't ask. She looks into my eyes and all that I can think of is that it's cold and I can't stop shivering and she looks so beautiful with her hair wet and her face scrubbed clean and that look in her eyes. What is that look? Is it worry? Worry for me? No one has ever really worried about me. Max and Isabel, they worry, but that's different. They nag me with their worries. They care about me and I know that but they just don't get that there are some things in life that you can't change, some things that just suck and you just have to learn to live with them. Max and Isabel have never really understood. They could never really understand. Truth be told, I don't want them to understand. I want their lives to keep being perfect. They deserve their perfect lives and their perfect family and their perfect world. But what do I deserve?

I wish I deserved Maria. I can't take my eyes off of her as she picks up a towel and begins drying me off with it. She helps me out of my soaked shirt and all I can do is stand here and let her take care of me. Is it wrong for me to want this so much, to need her like I do right now? I feel like it is but I don't have the strength to care.

She runs the towel over my arms, my shoulders, my neck. I can't stop shaking but I don't think it's entirely from the cold. Have you ever wanted something so badly that it hurt? Physically hurt. I'd do anything to crawl into her arms and stay there forever. I need her so bad that I can feel an ache rising from the pit of my stomach and I know that I shouldn't let myself need her, but I can't seem to stop it. I'm no longer in control of anything. I'm a complete mess.

I'm still just staring at her as she takes care of me. God, that feels so good. When she touches me, I know it's because she cares. I can feel it. It sends a warm wave through my whole body and I can feel the sob that rises in my throat almost immediately. I choke it back, just keeping my eyes locked with hers. She's staring at me now. There is concern etched across her pretty features. She's scared and worried and hurt. Hurt . . . she hurts for me, for my hurt. I can barely believe that, barely believe that it would matter to anyone else. But it does. It matters to Maria.

She reaches up to touch my cheek and wipes away a few tears that I hadn't realized had escaped. I don't know if it's the feel of her hands on my face or the look in her eyes or just everything finally crashing down on me all of the sudden, but suddenly I can't hold all this in for another second. I choke out another sob and my lips tremble. I'm still looking at her, not turning away. I can't turn away. I need her too much. Please Maria, please save me.

She takes my hand in hers and puts her other hand ligtly on my back, leading me to the bed like a child being tucked in after a nightmare. She urges me to lie down and I do. Her pillow is soft and it smells like her. I love the way she smells. It makes me feel safe.

The bed dips down a little behind me and I feel her body pressed against my back. I feel her hand on my hip, then sliding over my ribs, then in my hair. She brushes back the wet strands on my face as she curls up behind me. She's warm and I'm still so cold. I can't stop shaking.

I hear her voice whisper in my ear that it's okay as my tears start. I can't believe I'm crying. I've never cried like this in my life. But I won't stop. I couldn't if I tried. And it feels right. She's holding me and reassuring me with her soft, sweet voice and nothing has ever felt more right to me. I love her. I don't know where that thought comes from but it's there and it's true and I should say it out loud but I don't and I won't and she knows that.

Her hand rubs my arm gently. I crave her touch. I feel so safe when she's holding me. I've never felt this way before. I want to stay here forever.

My body is still quaking with my sobs. I feel her breath at my ear as she tries to calm me, to let me know that she's here and she's not going anywhere and it's all going to be okay. She tells me that I don't have to tell her what's wrong. She just holds me and lets me cry. And I want to tell her. I want to tell her every secret I have, to open myself up and let it all spill out. I would if I could. But right now all I can do is lay here and cry while I think about her hands on my skin and her breath on my neck and my tears soaking into her pillow. This is all I want to think about. For the moment at least, this is all I need.

I don't know when I fall asleep, but it feels like it takes forever. She's still rubbing my back long after my sobs have ceased. Her arms are still wrapped around me and her body is still pressed snuggly against mine as I start to give myself over to sleep. I want her to hold me forever. I never want to fall asleep alone again. I never want to be alone again.

I love you, Maria. I love you for letting me let go.



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The End
February 17, 2000