Title: After

Author: Dementia de Sade

Fandom: Seaquest

Rating: R

Season: 2032

Spoilers: Spindrift

Archive: let me know.

Feedback: Yes, please

Summary: Picking up...or is it simple scattering?... the pieces after the death of a lover.

Notes: m/m slash relationship (nothing graphic), strong language, disturbing imagery, etc. etc....

WARNING: suicidal thoughts...



AFTER
By Dementia de Sade

How am I supposed to do this? How can I just go up there and pretend that nothing happened? Does Hudson honestly expect me - expect any of us - to be able to go about our lives like this whole fucking mess never happened?

I don't know if I'll be able to do it. I mean, I honestly don't know if I can sit on the bridge and stare at my stupid little screen for an entire shift and not break down. Me and Jim always schedualed our shifts so that we were together. He won't be there, and I don't think I can deal with that.

Jim's been my only friend through this whole thing. He's the only one who hasn't abandoned me, the only one who holds me and comforts me when I feel like giving up....he's the only one who seems to give a damn about everything changing. Well, Tim....but it's not the same. And Jim isn't around to hold me or comfort me or give a damn anymore....

Shit. Someone's knocking on my door. I know it's Tony. He's been following me around ever since it happened, and I'm not sure why. Does he think since Brody's dead I'm suddenly available again? Well, I'm not going to give him the pleasure of letting him in, or even letting him know that I'm in here.

Where was I?

Jim. We weren't always lovers. Hell, we weren't even always friends. When he first came aboard, I barely noticed. I was so angry about having to room with Tony, and I was just so wrapped up in my own life that I didn't look up to see what wonderful things were right in front of me.

I know you probably don't want to know the intimate details of how we discovered our mutal attractions to each other... but the time I was with Jim was the best time of my life during that tour.

After Hyperion, things changed. I had to enlist, which made for some tense moments between me and Tony, as well as anyone else who tried to get into my head. Except Jim. Jim understood what I was going through, and he didn't judge. We supported each other.

He was the only one who I let see me cry. It was right after I realized that Miguel was really gone, and that Captain Bridger had left me alone in a world I didn't understand. He held me and kissed me and told me that everything would be okay.

I don't have the energy or even the tears to cry now that he's gone. I have no idea how I'm going to go on with my life without any light at the end of the tunnel. Jim and I talked about what would happen at the end of the tour. We were going to transfer off the seaQuest and get an apartment together and not have to deal with the shit that goes along with living and working *here*.

I can see the headlines now. Don't be too surprised when you see them too. "Son of Reknowned Scientist Kills Himself on UEO Flagship." Yeah, now you know. I don't see any other way out. This black fog has enveloped my mind and I can't fight my way out, no matter how hard I try.

I've thought it through, and I know now I can do it. I can get myself off this stupid boat, and off this fucking planet. Everything has turned to shit these past months and I can't take it anymore. I can't live knowing that this is as good as my life will get from now on, without Jim and having alienated all my old friends.

So in the morning when I don't come to the bridge for my shift, they'll come in here and find me with a bullet in my head (or maybe the wall behind me, I'm not sure how that will pan out....) and blood and brain and skull spattering the walls and ceiling. My brain, the one thing that's allowed me to stay here for so long, will be total mush. No use to anyone anymore. I'm sick of being used.

I just have one thing to do before I blow my fucking head off, and that's say goodbye to Darwin and Dagwood. I don't know if they'll understand, but I would feel bad doing it without talking to them first. While they could never provide the physical relationship I had with Jim, they've been good friends. I suppose I'll miss them, if there is such an emotion where I'm going.

So there you go, my letter to the world that never wrote to me. I'm so scared, Kristin. Of everything. I want it all to be like it was, but how can it be? Nothing's the same, and it never will be. So this is how it has to be.

I love you, Doc.

Love always,
Lucas



~end~