Title: Masks

Author: JaimeBlue

Rating: PG (there is some minor swearing)

Pairing: Pre-Slash Tim/Ben

Spoilers: Everything prior to "Such Great Patience"

Archive: Yes

Disclaimer: They don't belong to me, but if I had a million dollars, I'd buy me a Tim O'Neill action figure.

Summary: 1st season. Benjamin Krieg, seaQuest's morale officer, faces his biggest challenge yet.

AUTHORS NOTES: Thanks go to my good friend JoeyRZ for looking over the first few parts for me and setting my worries at ease that, no, I didn't suck :)


MASKS
By JaimeBlue

Benjamin Krieg looked over the possible selections for his midday meal and frowned. The food, if it could be identified as such, appeared barely edible. He mentally ran through his list of suppliers, as well as the seaQuest's schedule and the ship's stores. He grimaced once he realized it would be at least a week until he could deal the ship some decent food.

With a sigh, Ben chose the last unappetizing dishes and turned to find a seat in the semi-crowded mess. Spotting Lucas Wolenczak and Miguel Ortiz, he carried his tray over to their table.

"And how are my two favourite crewmen?"

"Fine, as long as I can temporarily lose all sense of taste, smell, and sight," Lucas responded. "When are you gonna get us some decent food, Ben?"

"Hey, kid, have some patience. I can only work a miracle or two at a time, y'know." Taking a bite from his plate, Ben noticed that Miguel was much quieter than usual. "Hey, Mig, why so quiet?"

"Just tired, I guess." Miguel glanced over at Lucas and Ben nodded, knowing that whatever it was could wait until the teenager wasn't around. Luckily for Ben's curiosity, Lucas rose from the table to head for his next shift only minutes later.

"All right, Miguel. The kid's gone. What's up?"

"I'm fine, so don't worry about me," Miguel reassured his friend. "However, I was just wondering if you've noticed anything . . . different about Tim."

"Not really. Should I? You know him better than I do."

"I know. He just seems more withdrawn than usual. He always puts on a smile for us when we all hang out, but I can tell his false smiles from his genuine ones. I can usually read him like a book, but now he's just closed himself off from everyone."

"Have you talked to him about it?"

"Hell, yes. Every time I try, he just pushes me away. I don't know what to do. It's like there's another man on board masquerading as my best friend."

"I wish I could help, but what can I do if you can't get through to him?"

"I don't know." Miguel rose from the table. "You're the morale officer. Improve his morale."

Ben grimaced as he watched Miguel walk away. "Easy for you to say," he mumbled to himself. "This is, after all, Tim O'Neill we're talking about. The things I do for this crew." As Ben shook his head, he noticed a woman at the next table looking at him strangely. "And what are you looking at?"

* * *

Ben sighed as he dropped yet another box with those that were already piled on his bed. He pushed aside several containers in the closet until he found one that looked to be the right size and shape. He'd been searching for almost half an hour and he desperately hoped he was close to finding what he was looking for. He rose with the box, being careful not to trip over the pile of boxes, papers, and clothes the were lying on the floor behind him.

Opening the container, Ben smiled. He pulled out two of the data cassettes within, then replaced the container on the shelf. He'd been saving these for an emergency, but if Tim was as depressed as Miguel made him out to be, then it was best he get them now.

With a final glance at the crew schedules to make certain Tim was off-duty, Ben headed toward the commtech's quarters. He knocked several times, but there was no answer. Ben headed back down the corridors for the mess, hoping Tim was there.

Ben grinned in triumph when he entered the now-empty mess to see Tim, sitting at a corner table. He swaggered over and plopped himself into the seat across from the Lieutenant.

"Tim! How's my favourite communications officer?"

"I don't think so, Ben."

"What do you mean?"

"You've gotten as much comm time as you're gonna get this month, and no amount of sweet talking will get you any more. If you've used up all your time by now . . . "

"No! Tim, I'm fine. I just thought we could spend a little time together. We've been on the ship together for months now, and we still barely know each other. I just think it's time to remedy that."

"Oh." Tim looked down into the cup of tea he was holding between his hands. "I appreciate the sentiment, Ben, but I'm just not in the mood for company right now."

"Well, I'm here whether you're in the mood or not. And look - like every great friend, I come bearing gifts." Ben pulled out the data cassettes and placed them before Tim on the table.

Tim cautiously picked one up and read the label. He then did the same with the other cassette and his face visibly brightened. "Swahili and Advanced Russian! Ben, how did you . . . " The smile fell from his face and he immediately grew suspicious. "What is it you want, Ben?"

"Me? I don't want anything. I just thought I'd do something nice for a friend."

Tim rose from his seat, still holding onto the cassettes. "Whatever it is, Ben, I'm not interested. Now leave me alone!"

Ben frowned as the Lieutenant left the mess, coming to two conclusions. First, Tim was definitely as depressed as Miguel had described him. And second, perhaps he'd worked one too many cons on the crew, particularly on the shy commtech. He was going to have to regain the man's trust before he could boost his morale. It was going to be a tough job, but Ben was definitely up for the challenge.

His only question was, where to begin?

* * *

Ben did his best to look casual as he strolled onto the seadeck and was relieved to see no one around. He stepped over to the wall and picked up the vocoder which the crew used to speak to Darwin and made his way over to the moonpool.

Not seeing the dolphin anywhere, Ben leaned over the water and slapped his hand against the wall of the pool.

"Come on, Darwin. Where's Krieg's favourite fish?"

Ben almost jumped as a mechanical voice responded. "Darwin not fish. Darwin mammal."

Ben watched as the dolphin's fin rose above the water as Darwin swam his way. "I knew that. I was just playing with you."

"Ben come play with Darwin?"

"Maybe later. Right now I need your help."

"Ben no trick Darwin. No get Darwin in trouble."

Ben sighed. "No! I don't want to get you in trouble, Darwin. I need your help with Tim."

"Ben get Tim in trouble?"

"No, I didn't get Tim in trouble," Ben replied, his voice dripping with sarcasm as Darwin chittered with laughter. "Tim's been acting a little strange lately."

"Yes. Tim sad."

"Yeah. Has he been talking to you?"

"Tim talk to Darwin. Tim and Darwin play."

"What did he say? Did he tell you why he was sad?"

"No tell Ben. Just Tim and Darwin."

"I know you don't want to break his trust, buddy, but I want to help him too, and I can't do that unless I know what's bugging him."

"Ben want help Tim?" Ben nodded. "Maybe Ben help. Tim lonely."

"He misses his family, huh?"

"No. SeaQuest family."

"Ah. Let me guess. It's a girl, right?"

"No. Tim no need girl."

"Then what is it? I don't understand."

"Tim talk to Darwin, but Tim need talk to human."

"Oh, he needs a friend. He's got lots on the ship. Everyone likes him. And he and Miguel are closer than any two people I've ever met."

"Tim no talk to Miguel. Miguel too happy."

Ben chuckled. "Yeah, I guess he could be a little annoying if you're not in the mood to be cheered up. But what about the others? Lucas, Ford, Bridger, Doctor Westphalen? Katie would be there for him."

"Tim no want to bother others. So Tim lonely."

"Well, I'd like to talk to him, but I don't think he trusts me enough."

"Ben trick Tim," Darwin chittered.

"I know I have in the past, but I genuinely want to help him this time. I am the morale officer after all."

"Ben keep trying. No give up on Tim."

Ben nodded and rose from the side of the moonpool. "I will. Thanks Darwin."

As Ben made his way to the door, he was stopped by the voice on the vocoder. "Ben help Darwin."

"Sure buddy. What do you want?"

"Ben play!"

Krieg walked to the side of the room to retrieve Darwin's ball, then tossed to the dolphin. Instead of hitting the ball back, Darwin caused a wave, splashing water all over Ben's clothes.

"You know this is war, don't you?"

Darwin responded by swimming backwards up on his tailfin, his flippers flapping enthusiastically.

Smiling, Ben hurried over to the lockers to change into a wetsuit.


* * *


Ben was still laughing as he stepped out of his wetsuit, grabbing a towel to dry his hair. He could see why Lucas and Tim spent so much time with Darwin - there was something liberating about swimming in the water with the dolphin.

His hair mostly dry, he began pulling his uniform back on. He still didn't know what to do about Tim: all he knew was he had to do something. He briefly wondered why he was so determined to help the shy commtech. ‘Ah, it's nothing,' he thought. ‘I'm the morale officer. That's what I do.'

He shook his head, knowing that was only half of it. Tim O'Neill, the unassuming communications officer, was always one of the first to come to the aid of a colleague, whether on or off duty. However, the man was always the last to think of asking for help if he ever needed it. That trait was based in part on the man's unending faith in God, but it was also due to his modesty and insecurities.

Still thinking about Tim, Ben made his way to the locker-room door. He stopped before passing through when he heard a voice coming from the moonpool. He kept listening when he realized he recognized the voice.

"Hey Darwin."

"Tim play!"

"Not now, Darwin. I'm on duty in a few minutes. I just came by to talk."

"Tim still sad?"

"Yeah, but I'm fine. Nothing to worry about."

"Tim talk."

"I'm talking."

"Tim talk to human."

"I told you, I can't talk to anyone..."

"Tim can. Tim talk to Ben."

"No, not Ben. Not anyone. They wouldn't understand."

"Darwin understand. Tim lonely."

"Maybe a little, but not in the way you might think." Tim shrugged and continued, not knowing he had another audience.

"It's like I could be in a crowded room with all my friends and I'd still feel as if I were the only one there. Nobody knows who I really am. I know it's partly my own fault, but it just hurts so much to let people in. And it's worse because I know that if I weren't there in that crowd with those friends, it wouldn't make any difference. I feel like my life has no real meaning, no real purpose. And then to hang around the guys who are just so at ease around other people - I seriously don't know how they do it..."

Tim glanced down at his watch and quickly rose from the moonpool's edge.

"I've got to go to the bridge. Thanks again for listening, Darwin."

Darwin chittered. "Tim friend."

"Thanks. I'll be back to play later."

Ben quickly ducked back into the locker room so he wouldn't be seen by the departing commtech. He left his hiding place once he heard the doors closing behind Tim.

Ben sighed. Tim's words had struck a chord within him, hitting a little too close to home for his liking. If this kept up, it would be him that needed the morale boost...

His eyebrows shot up. All of a sudden, he knew exactly how to get through to the Lieutenant.

Ben headed back to his quarters to get some much needed rest. He wanted to be refreshed when Tim finished his shift. He wasn't anxious to do what he was planning to do, but he knew it was for the best - for both of them.


* * *


Tim went straight to his quarters when his shift ended and plopped himself down onto his bunk. Immediately, he began to think.

Thinking was not a good thing, at least not for Tim. When he had time to think, he ended up just being filled with self-loathing and self-doubt.

He was almost relieved for the distraction when someone knocked on the door.

"Come in!"

The door opened to let in Ben Krieg, who closed the door behind him.

"Ben, I thought I told you I wasn't interested."

"I'm not here for any plan, Tim, but I am here for your help." Tim rolled his eyes. "Hear me out, okay?" Tim nodded and Ben took a breath before continuing. "Let me ask you this. Who does the morale officer go to when he has his own morale problems?"

A small war waged in Tim's eyes as he tried to decide whether Ben was trying to con him. The Tim that the crew knew and loved won out. He sat up on the bed and motioned Ben to sit at the other end.

Ben exhaled in relief and sat on Tim's bunk, his back up against the wall and his elbows resting on his upright knees. His eyes began searching the room, never resting on anything and definitely not looking at Tim.

"So, Ben, you want to talk?"

Ben puffed out a breath of air, knowing he couldn't postpone the conversation any longer. He ran his fingers through his hair, thinking the movement would somehow ground him.

"Yeah, talking would be good. You know, I haven't really talked much with people on the ship."

"What are you talking about? All you ever do is talk to people."

"Idle talk and ‘Hey, how ‘ya doin', maybe. But real stuff, the stuff that's deep down inside. That stuff no one knows."

"Why? And why are you suddenly wanting to talk to me?"

"I don't know. Maybe because you're one of the few people on this ship who wouldn't judge me. Or maybe because, for some strange reason, I think you'd understand somehow."

Tim looked down to where his hands rested in his lap. "It's hard to find someone who can understand."

"Exactly. Take me, for example. All anyone sees when they look at me is the Happy-Go Lucky Con Artist. That's because they see the mask I put on and believe it straight away. They have no clue what's really going on in this mind of mine. They don't know that with every deal I make, I second-guess myself more times than you can imagine. They have no idea that I lie awake at night, still wondering what went wrong with Katie. And it's not that I'm still in love with her - I'm not. But I do still love her, and a part of me wants to know what went wrong so that it'll never happen again."

"Sometimes things just aren't meant to be."

"I know, and I try to tell myself that. It's just hard to believe. I keep thinking there's something I could have done differently, something I should have said, something I should have tried. And when I tell myself maybe it just wasn't meant to be, this little voice in my head comes out to say, ‘then what's to stop you from screwing up another one?'"

"That's ridiculous! Every person we meet, everything that happens, it all does so by chance. There's no way of knowing what's going to happen. If we knew that, then we'd be God."

"I know. It's just so hard to believe. And then I have to go out and put on this mask, helping everyone else with their problems, while inside I'm seething. And the worst is that I don't help all that much anyway."

"Stop it right there. Now, I may not always approve of your methods, but you have done a great deal for this crew. You're the best morale officer I've ever known, and everyone on this ship knows it."

"Thanks. I only wish I could do half the good you've done."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you're the first person people come to when they have a problem, not me. You're always there with a friendly smile, a kind word, and an open mind. You're our very own reverend. Hell, you're our conscience. If it weren't for you reminding us what was right and wrong, we'd all be headed for Hell for sure."

"I think I annoy more than I help."

"Nah, you're just voicing out loud what most of us don't have the guts to say."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I'd forgotten I had a conscience before I met you." Ben grinned at Tim, who couldn't help but grin back.

"Well, look at that. My very first miracle."

"Just don't let it get around, ok St. Timothy? I've got a reputation after all."

"No problem. You can always rely on me," Tim said, his voice once again serious.

Ben's eyes met Tim's, and he knew the man's words were genuine. "The same goes for me. Don't be afraid to come see me if you ever need anything."

"I won't."

Ben snuck a look at his watch and his face fell. "Damn, I've got to make those calls before the shippers leave for the day." Ben rose from the bed, and Tim rose with him. He ran the fingers of one hand through his hair, all of a sudden feeling shy for some reason as he looked at Tim. "Um, well, thanks. You know, for letting me blather on like that."

Tim shrugged with a small smile on his face. "No problem. Any time."

Ben quickly nodded and left Tim's quarters. Tim stood for several moments, Ben's words still going through his mind, until he finally sat back down on the bed.

‘Maybe I'm not as alone as I thought,' he thought as he rested his head back down on the pillow.


* * *


Ben felt exhausted. He'd called a few suppliers and arranged for several shipments of goods to be transferred to seaQuest in a week's time. It should be enough to please most of the crew, he thought as he pulled off his uniform. We'll all get some decent food, Gomez will get that music he wanted, Lucas will get the computer chip he needed, and I'll have plenty of bargaining chips for making deals with the rest of the crew.

For the first time in months, he lay down on his bunk feeling lighter than usual. He squirmed a bit, trying to make himself comfortable, but something was still bothering his back. He reached a hand between himself and the mattress and prodded a bit until he found what was causing him so much discomfort.

He pulled his hand out and looked at what was now laying in the palm. At first, it seemed to be little more than a mass of gold shining in the light. With the fingers of his other hand, he took hold of part of the gold chain and held it up, allowing the chain to untangle itself and finally revealing the tiny charm that it held.

It was a simple gold cross.

He fingered the tiny charm, not doubting for a second how it came to lie in his bed. He'd never been a religious man, yet somehow the feeling of the gold cross against his bare skin reassured him. He undid the clasp of the chain and fastened it around his neck, settling it so that the cross rested against the base of his throat.

Closing his eyes, Ben fell into a dreamless sleep.


* * *


Ben opened one eye and looked around his room. He opened the other eye and reluctantly rose from his bed. He wanted nothing more than to shut his eyes and forget anyone had knocked on his door, but he couldn't take the chance that whoever was there had something important to say.

He took his bathrobe from atop a pile of boxes and pulled it on as he made his way to the door.

"Yeah?"

"Umm, oh, Ben." Tim nervously adjusted his glasses as he shuffled from foot to foot. "I woke you, didn't I. I'm sorry. Just forget I ever came by..."

"No, Tim, come in. I was just looking over a few lists and stuff before bed." Ben opened the door for the commtech, who entered almost reluctantly. Closing the door, Ben leaned against the wall, folding his arms over his chest. "So, Tim, what brings you here?"

Tim looked around the room, his eyes resting on the rumpled sheets on the bunk. "You lied. I did wake you."

Ben shrugged. "I said you could come to me anytime, and I meant it." He laid a hand on Tim's arm and led the man over to the bunk. When Tim finally sat down, Ben sat next to him, silently waiting for Tim to speak first.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come. It's nothing, really."

"Tim."

Tim nervously raised his eyes to meet Ben's as he caught his bottom lip between his teeth.

"I've been thinking about what we were talking about earlier. It's just... I..." Tim took a deep breath. "You're not the only one who spends his days wearing a mask."

When Tim didn't say anything further, Ben prodded him. "It's ok. Talk to me. You'll feel better."

Tim nodded absently before he continued. "There's this... darkness inside me. It scares me sometimes."

Ben's eyes widened. "What kind of darkness?"

"It's like there's this dark place inside that houses all my darkest emotions: hatred, loathing, anger, and all of it directed at myself. For the longest time, I worked to build up a wall, keeping all of it at bay. But lately, it just hasn't been enough. I have no idea why, but they're coming free and I..." Tim sighed, not knowing how to finish his thought. "Maybe trying to keep them away was a mistake to begin with."

Ben shrugged sympathetically. "Maybe you just let the pressure build too long. Once you let things accumulate, they're so strong they can break through anything. The trick is to let is out every now and again, like water in a dam."

Tim leaned back against the bulkhead looking defeated. "How do I do that without doing something stupid?"

"I'm guessing you don't speak about this with anyone." Tim shook his head. "You ever just spend a few moments bitching with a friend?" Tim shook his head again. "You ever just let out a scream?" Another shake of the head. "Yell for me, Tim."

"What?!" Tim was incredulous.

"Yell for me. Scream, bitch, tell me about how you really feel about everything that's happening to you."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"It's just not... something I do, okay?"

"Do it anyway." Tim gave him a look. "You know you want to."

Tim jumped up off the bunk, but instead of heading for the door as Ben feared, he began pacing up and down the cramped quarters.

"I feel like I'm going nuts most of the time. Just the other day I was talking to an ensign from engineering who was all ga-ga over the fact that I got to be on the bridge. Big fucking deal!" Ben's eyes widened at the commtech's cursing. "Do you have any idea how useless I am up there? All they fucking let me do is answer the damned phones and do a bit of translating every now and again. Whenever there's something important to be done," Tim said in a mocking voice, "let's just forget about Tim O'Neill. We all know he's only good for one thing." He shook his head. "Other than helping with the Stinger, the only other time I ever got to really help out in this damned place was that time with Darwin - and that was because I was almost the only one who could help!"

Ben opened his mouth to speak when Tim paused for breath, but was interrupted before he'd even begun.

"And don't get me started on all the changes I've seen on this ship. Do you have any idea what it's like to watch your commanding officer be relieved of command, only to come back after your ship for revenge? Then there's Lucas, who I love like a kid brother, but at times he can be so... so... grrrr..." Tim growled. "And between my duties, helping him and the rest of the crew, being conned by you..."

"Hey!"

"... and the crew's constant misuse of their comm time, leading them to who's door but mine to beg for more time. And I just wish it was actual begging! Most of the crew thinks all they have to do is knock at my door and say ‘I need more time. Bye.' I am not that easy!"

Ben stifled a laugh, thinking that last statement could just as well apply to the man's personal life.

"I get absolutely NO respect around here. Nada, zip, zilch. Nobody takes anything I say seriously unless I'm at my post on the bridge, and even then they don't always listen. Do you know that if I hadn't yelled my head off at the rest of the bridge crew, I may not have caught the SOS you guys had been sending us the one time?"

"You yelled at the crew?" Ben smiled at the image that popped into his head of the expressions on the many faces at that moment.

"Of course." Tim stopped his pacing and stood looking at Ben, his hands on his hips. "You guys were missing and the crew was so loud celebrating saving the French sub that I couldn't clearly make out the message or where it was coming from. I had to scream for them to ‘be quiet' before I knew it was you guys."

Ben rose an eyebrow, watching Tim catching his breath after his long tirade. "Makes sense. It's a good thing you didn't tell them to ‘shut up' instead. You might have cause a couple of heart attacks." Tim shook a little, laughing, and Ben joined him. "So, do you feel better?"

Tim took a moment to think, then nodded. "To tell you the truth, yeah, I do. Thanks."

Ben smiled. "Don't mention it." He was about to claim exhaustion when he realized Tim was still shaking, but not with laughter. Ben rose from his bunk and approached the commtech, not quite sure what to do. "Are you sure you're ok, Tim?"

"I... yeah, sure," he replied, shrugging.

Ben reached out a hand and placed it on Tim's shoulder. The man almost seemed to collapse in on himself while still standing. The next thing Ben knew, Tim's chin was resting on his shoulder, tears pouring from his eyes and arms wrapped around his waist. His own arms were wrapped around Tim as great sobs shook the man's body. For some reason, he couldn't remember who'd grabbed onto whom first.

When the tears stopped flowing, Tim pulled away, looking slightly embarrassed and taking off his wet glasses. Ben reached onto a nearby pile of boxes to retrieve a dry face cloth, then passed it to Tim to wipe off his glasses and to dry his face.

Once his glasses were placed firmly back onto his face, Tim embarassedly looked everywhere but at Ben.

"You feel better?"

Tim managed to look in Ben's direction at the understanding tone in his voice, but couldn't quite manage looking into his face. His eyes rested on Ben's neck.

"You're actually wearing it."

Ben looked down, having forgotten he'd put the chain on before going to sleep. "Oh, yeah. Well, it looked kind of nice - and who am I to turn away a gift from St. Timothy of seaQuest?"

Tim finally managed to look into Ben's eyes. "I'm no saint, Ben."

"I bet few if any saints really were. But you're a good man who does good things, and that's more than enough in my books."

Tim smiled a little, then watched as Ben tried to hide a yawn. "I'd better go. You need your rest."

"Are you sure? You're welcome to stay here all night, talking my ear off."

"Thanks, but no. I've got a few things I have to do anyway. We'll talk later, though. That is, if you feel like it."

"There's no one in the world I'd rather talk to."

Tim smiled a little more and Ben walked him to the door. They said their goodbyes and Ben made his way back to his bed. He fell asleep with the knowledge that he'd accomplished his mission: he, Ben Krieg, had improved Tim O'Neill's morale.


* * *


"Hey, Ben! Wait up!"

Ben stopped and waited for the other man to catch up to him. "Is there something I can do for you, Ortiz?"

"Whatever you've done is more than enough. I just wanted to thank you."

"What for?"

"For helping Tim. Don't think I haven't noticed the change in him this past week. I've finally got my best friend back and it's all thanks to you."

"It was nothing. You know Ben Krieg always comes through."

"Yeah. Anyway, I was wondering if you felt like a poker game. We start in a few minutes."

"You know, that sounds really tempting... but I've already got an appointment I've got to keep."

"You sure? Are you all right? I've never known you to turn down anything involving money before."

"I'm fine. I just made someone a promise, and I try to keep my promises."

"Okay. Well, I guess your loss is our gain. I'll see you later. And thanks again."

Ben smiled as Miguel headed off down a corridor. He continued on his path until he reached the moonpool and stepped into the locker room to change. When he came out, he approached the pool, watching the two beings already splashing around in the water.

"Ben play!"

The splashing stopped as the dolphin spotted Ben and swam towards him. The pool's other inhabitant stood up and waved, pulling off the goggles that protected his glasses. "Hey Ben! Glad you could make it!"

He jumped into the pool, swimming next to the dolphin and making his way to Tim. "I wouldn't have missed it for the world."



The End