The Search

by Yien

This is my first SeaQuest Fanfic. Well, actually, it's only the prologue and I am just testing the waters a little.

Whether or not I continue this will depend on the feedback, time constraints, and of course Real Life.. Do send all feedback (flames or otherwise) to yien@yahoo.com

. Dedicated to AT. it's just my shameless way to get you to write faster. I need my daily dose of the Outriggers quickly:)

Note : I am operating on the idea that the original crew never left the SeaQuest after the first season finale "An Ocean On Fire". Alexia's "Father of the Heart" inspired this piece.. so many thanks to you Alexia . Plenty of angst in this story but some of you might not like the way this story goes. I am not too familiar with the techno-gizmo terms used in the series so please bear with me. The same goes for grammar and spelling mistakes.

Disclaimer : The SeaQuest Crew have never belonged to me and will never belong to me. I just borrowed them and will return them relatively intact



The Search
by Yien

"For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught."
-My Way : Frank Sinatra"

".so you see, that's why I can't spend Christmas with you this year like I promised. After what happened with the power plant, I need this chance to prove myself once more. I know you'll understand, Lucas. You've always been a good son. I'll make it up to you, I promise. Why don't you celebrate with Captain Bridger? I'm sure he'll love to have you around. I love you, son. Take care and bye."

Lucas Wolenczak switched off the message in disbelief and slumped back onto his chair. His thoughts were a confusing jumble of anger and hurt, each fighting for supremacy to be heard and vented. He should have expected this, he should have learnt his lessons well. Lessons gleaned from forgotten birthdays and lonely Christmases filled with cold TV dinners. Here he was, boy genius and by all means, no dumb fool; Stanford graduate by 15 with the highest grade point average, inventor of the vocodor and prized member of the UEO. But why, even with all that IQ, did he never learn never to hope where his father was concerned?

*I love you, son.*

Words so casually spoken, devoid of any real meaning. Four words causing four stab wounds in his heart. If emotionally wounds could bleed, he'd already be dead. Love. Was this how his father perceived love to be? Abandonment and neglect , promises made and never kept and this throbbing hurt he caused his son ? If this was how his father showed his love, Lucas would have much rather his father hated him. Hate would have been so much easier to comprehend. One would deliberately hurt someone one hates. But to love someone. to even say the word "love" would mean making a commitment to cherish and protect. Lucas did not feel particularly cherished at that moment. He felt cheapened by his father's usage of love, its value diminishing with each and every syllable of seemingly reasonable excuses his father concocts to justify his absence.

Why does he allow his heart and soul to be battered like this? Whenever his father promised something, his heart would stubbornly cling to hope that for once, his father would deliver even when his head knows that eventually he would feel pain. Even an idiot learns to duck when he is repeated whacked on the head. Lucas laughed derisively to himself, apparently he forgot to sign up for the class on self preservation. Even when he was bleeding and hurting, he kept on taking the blows because of this one little thing called hope. The human soul is a complex thing. It'll suffer . even if only to be able to feel one moment of love. Even if it withers and dies in the process.

In the past, all he wanted was to forget the hurt and pain, losing himself in his studies like an alcoholic drowning his sorrows in a bottle. This time, he would not sing the song of forgetfulness again. He needed to feel the throbbing ache to remind that if one tried to fly, he'll only hit the ground .. hard. He wrapped the memories of 16 years of being alone around him like a shield. His bitterness would be his sword and his anger would be his armor. He'll defend his fragile soul from being bruised again, no matter what the consequences. A single tear rolled down his cheek and Lucas wiped it off roughly with his shirt sleeve.

*I will not cry. I've shed enough tears. Never again. Not over this. I am never going to let anyone hurt me again like this. *



PART TWO

Lucas wandered along the corridor aimlessly, occasionally returning a greeting, a smile here and wave there. Anyone who saw him wouldn't have guessed that his emotions were in turmoil. He had remained in his room after that, struggling to get his emotions under control. Success only came after an hour and by then, he knew he had to take a long walk to clear his mind. He wished he was on dry land. at least there he could have just put on some running shoes and just ran until he was ready to drop. There was just something about running that made him feel he could outrun his problems. He doubted the captain would be very appreciative of any of his attempts to turn SeaQuest into an underwater running track. Since running was not an option, walking would have to suffice. Lucas laughed ruefully to himself. There were a few things lacking when one was living in a sub and this was definitely one of them. This and a few other minor things such as girls, McDonald's and .. girls.

"Earth to Lucas! Hello? Anyone at home?"

Lucas jumped and saw Ben Krieg beside him, grinning from ear to ear. He clutched his chest and pretended to scowl at the man.

" Gezzz, Ben.. do you find some sadistic enjoyment in sneaking up on me and make me suffer a heart attack?"

Ben crossed his arms and raised his eyebrows in amusement. "Well, I'm glad you noticed my efforts. and I do try so hard to enjoy life."

"Very funny, Ben. very funny. Haha," Lucas muttered sarcastically. "Don't you have anything to do other than bug me? Like work for instance? Aren't you supposed to be on the bridge now?"

Ben raised his hands in surrender. "Hey, no need to get so huffy. I'll go if you want to get rid of me so badly. Some people just don't appreciate good company. Ah well, you can't expect everyone to be born with good taste like yours truly. Ah, the pains of being perfect." He patted Lucas on the cheek, winked and then sprinted off before Lucas could think of a suitable reply.

Lucas shook his head and smiled. Ben! Suddenly, he became aware of his surroundings. This part of the ship seemed oddly familiar... wait a minute, wasn't that Captain Bridger's quarters? How on earth did he end up here? When he started out, he was determined not to bother the captain with small insignificant matters such as his towering resentment towards his father. After all, he was already a professional when it came to dealing with disappointment and hurt. He did have 16 years of experience after all and he should have been able to face up to this particular episode. At least, that was what his head was telling him. His heart though, insisted he needed someone to comfort him. And on this boat, comfort came in the form of a certain Captain Bridger. No wonder he found himself outside the captain's door without even realizing it. His heart had taken over his head and feet.

Lucas stood outside the captain's door, unsure of what he wanted to do. He candidly admitted to himself that he needed a hug to ensure that the day wouldn't turn out to be a total loss. Would it be a sign of weakness if he knocked on the door? Much as he hated to admit it, he needed reassurance from the captain as much as he needed air to breathe. He sighed. Since it was a time for soul searching anyway, he might as well be honest to himself and concede that what made him hesitate was he was afraid. of rejection. He hated being so needy, this feeling of wanting something so damn badly and afraid of being hurt once again. He did not think he could take another dose of that today. But the captain has never disappointed him before. Ah well, he was only human after all and since he was already here . Who was he to fight fate anyway? Lucas straightened his shoulders and prepared to knock.

"Oh, Nathan! Aren't you glad Christmas is almost here?"

Lucas froze, hearing the soft feminine voice that sounded rather oddly familiar. His eyes widen when he recognized it.. Dr. Westphalen! He put his ear on the door, straining to hear the conversation. What was she doing in the captain's quarters??

"Yeah, we can finally take the vacation that we've been planning together. And I " Lucas missed the rest of the sentence when his shocked brain finally latched on to the meaning of the words. The captain and Kristin planning to take a vacation together?

"...about Lucas?" The mention of his name snapped his attention back to the conversation that was playing in the captain's quarters.

"Lucas will be spending time with his father this Christmas." Lucas could not help hearing the pleased note in Bridger's voice. "I know I probably sound selfish saying this. but I'm glad he won't be around. Not that I don't like having him around," the captain quickly amended. "But I really want to spend some time alone with you, Kristin. I've been dying to do all sorts of things with you and I definitely don't want an audience around!"

Kristen's laughter drifted out of the room reaching Lucas who stood there stupefied. Bridger was glad he was spending time with his father? Bridger wanted to be alone with Kristin without the benefit of his presence? Lucas could hear the captain speaking again. Lucas wasn't sure if he wanted to listen anymore but he had this perverse need to know more.

"Have you given any thought to my proposal?" Bridger sounded serious as he asked the good doctor his question. Lucas heard Kristin give a little sigh.

"Nathan, I need more time to think it over..I.."

Lucas never heard the rest of the conversation because he decided he has heard quite enough. He turned abruptly and ran back to this room. Absently, he locked the door and sank down into his chair. There was an almost overwhelming sense of deja-vu as the emotion he had bottled up ever since he received his father's message threatened to spill over with the addition of this little bit of news. Once again, the adults he put his trust in has succeeded in breaking his heart. So what else was new?

He buried his head in his hands. Why was he so upset? What was he so upset about? The fact that the captain and the doctor have planned a vacation which obviously did not include him? Or that the captain proposed to Dr Westphalen? Lucas took a shuddering breathe that came out suspiciously like a sob. The bitterness welled up within him again. Why should he be shocked, the signs had been there all along. He knew how the captain felt about Dr Westphalen and the captain had never tried to hide his feelings for her. He remembered how he had interrupted their kiss just before the first SeaQuest was destroyed . and how Dr Westphalen tried to explain it to him.

*Nathan and I have become very close over the last year, and when a bond is established between two adults, intimacy and I don't mean sex, is something adults need in a relationship.*

Yes, the signs were all there and he had chosen to ignore it. Just because he felt threatened, he pretended that it wasn't happening. Bridger was the one adult that has never failed him ..until now. he was the closest thing to a parent Lucas ever had. Lucas had never felt love that Bridger showered upon him until he came aboard the SeaQuest and he found that it nourished a part of his soul that he never knew he had. In spite of his father's broken promises, he had always felt all was not lost. at least he still had Bridger. HAD. Past tense. Lucas learned something rather profound about himself at that moment. he was selfish. He did not want to share the captain with the doctor because once they were together, Lucas was out of the picture. Oh, they could always claim that their relationship did not change the way Bridger felt about Lucas but Lucas knew better. They did not even want him for Christmas. They wanted to be alone and there was no place in their happy little world for him.

*Wait in line Lucas, stand over there Lucas, take a number Lucas. We'll get to you.*

Lucas reached for his computer, knowing that there was only two people he could trust right now. No adults. Friends. Friends that would never ever desert him. And he needed them desperately right now.



PART THREE SOON