This Is Goodbye

by Freya

Disclaimer: seaQuest and its characters are the property of MCA/Universal Television & Amblin
Television. No copyright infringement intended.

Spoiler: little bit for An Ocean On Fire

Summary: Kathryn says goodbye

Rating: PG-13

Note 1: I wrote this story before I saw the 1st season finale so don't expect every detail to be correct, a lot was made up. And please bear with my English since it's not my native language.
Note 2: * ... * indicates thoughts

This Is Goodbye
by Freya

When age chills the blood, when our pleasures are past
-
For years fleet away with the wings of the dove -
The dearest remembrance will still be the last,
Our sweetest memorial the first kiss of love.
- Lord Byron


A knock on the door interrupted Kristin Westphalen's thoughts. She had been sitting over an ancient medical book - a present from her daughter for her last birthday - for the last two hours and the simplicity of having no real work to busy herself with was beginning to get to her. She felt as if her eyelids had doubled their weight during the last thirty minutes, so an interruption was more than welcome.

"Come on in", she invited whoever was standing in front of her quarters to enter, expecting to see
Nathan or Lucas.

But much to her surprise it was Kathryn Hitchcock who opened the door.

She didn't step through it though but stopped, shooting a questioning look at Kristin from across the
room.

"Kathryn, what a pleasure. Can I help you?"

The Commander nodded and she wasn't able to hide the timidity from her answer. "I'd like to talk to you. That is if I'm not interrupting anything."

"Oh no, in fact I'm more than glad you did. Please, come in and have a seat."

She gestured to the chair next to her, which was still occupied by half a dozen other books.

With a swift movement Kristin put them down on the ground and pulled the chair a bit nearer, looking expectantly at Hitchcock.

Katie moved slowly, an uncertainty expressed in this movement that Kristin had never seen before left alone expected.

The younger woman seemed to be battling an inner demon that left her without words for the frown on her forehead and the slight opening and closing of her mouth were the only signs that lead to assume that she was trying very hard to get out what was on her mind.

She reached the chair and sat down, leaning her head forward into her hands.

Her dark hair fell into her face and hid the sometimes harsh features of her face as well as her eyes, that, when they inhabited a somehow mocking gleam rarely shown on the Commander's face, had always amazed Kristin.

At this very moment Kristin noticed for the first in the year that they had known each other just how much like a child Katie still looked.

That thought surprised her a bit and she began to smile as she remembered a thought she'd had during her first week onboard the seaQuest.

Now she had stepped into the same trap she herself had thought that it was impossible to step into.

Because she knew that there was knowledge combined with strength, ambition and persistence inside the young officer that was barely seen at that age. No wonder Hitchcock was chief engineer and third in command.

But this time something was bothering the other woman and Kristin didn't like the mere though of it. She reached out and laid her hand upon her shoulder which seemed to startle the other woman for she flinched and her head shot up in surprise. "Katie, what do you want?"

Kristin didn't know if it was the right thing to do to come straight to the point but honestly she didn't know if any other reaction would be better and so she settled with her intuition.

The Commander sighed heavily and leaned back in her chair, her eyes focused on Kristin, but still no word came out of her mouth.

Another minute passed in silence until Hitchcock finally seemed to find the courage to speak. "I came to say goodbye."

Now it was Kristin's turn to be startled.

And she had thought coming straight to the point was only her way to attend to problems!

"Goodbye? But I thought you wouldn't leave before next week."

She searched Katie's face for any signs that would answer her question even though she knew that she wouldn't find any. "What changed your mind?"

The younger woman seemed to consider for a moment what to tell the doctor before she continued in a still shaky voice.

"Captain Bridger received a message from UEO headquarter. The captain of the HR Clinton, who was supposed to retire next week, died yesterday. A heart attack."

Kristin didn't know what to say. She had never thought that Hitchcock would leave earlier than everybody had believed her to and so she would have enough time to get used to the fact that she would leave.

She had never been one to easily say goodbye, she always needed time to prepare herself for that, to adjust to changes.

Even if it wasn't much time she still needed it. And she was surely not prepared for that!

"I ... don't know what to say."

It was the truth.

On the one hand she felt sorry that the man had died so shortly before he his well-earned retirement, on the other hand she felt happy for the other woman that her dream was coming true earlier than expected.

And most of all she felt confused and take by surprise.

Kathryn forced a smile to her face but Kristin knew that it wasn't true.

It was doomed to fail for it didn't reach her eyes and seemed to bring forth a sadness that was almost overwhelming.

"Then don't say anything. Besides, I'm not finished yet."

"And what else is there to tell me?"

Kristin couldn't think of anything else of major importance at the moment but that wasn't supposed to mean anything.

After all she hadn't known of the captain's death so it could be anything.

"It's nothing I could put into words. I have to show you."

Hitchcock's voice had taken on a serious tone, as if this was the hardest things she had ever done.
And that was simply impossible after all that they'd been through! Still this seriousness awoke Kristin's curiousness.

"What is it? Where?"

Another smile crept across the Commander's features and this time it was real, bright enough to hide every bit of anxiety and sincerity of this situation.

"Keep cool, Doctor. It's not going to run away. In fact, it's right here."

She motioned Kristin to come a bit nearer and she did so, eager to know what Kathryn wanted to show her.

Hitchcock moved forwards as well and suddenly the younger woman captured Kristin's lips with her own.

It was intense but short and just once did Kathryn's tongue brush against Kristin's bottom lip before she pulled away.

Silence followed and Kristin couldn't blame Hitchcock for it.

She was speechless, literally, for she couldn't think anything else but why.

*Why did she 'kiss' me? Why did she kiss 'me'?*

Finally she mustered the courage to look up and was met by a crystal blue pair of eyes staring back at her just as confused and helpless as she herself felt at that moment.

She stumbled over her next sentence, the words escaping her mouth in a rush.

"That ... that was ... well quite unexpected, don't you think?"

She paused and studied the other woman's face closely.

Her mouth was shut, as were her eyes and her breath was coming raged now. She looked as if she was trying very hard to hold back the tears.

Kristin sighed and took the commander's hand into her own, forcing her to open her eyes.

"Katie, please tell me why you did that."

Her voice was full of sympathy for the younger woman that wasn't lost to Hitchcock.

It broke through the wall that was keeping the tears from flowing and set them free, one by one falling freely over pale cheeks.

"It was the only way to show you that ... I love you. Have ever since I first met you."

Hitchcock lowered her eyes quickly, afraid of what she would find in Kristin's eyes.

She expected everything, from pure disgust to a raged outburst but that one of the hands holding her owns wandered up to her face and cupped her cheek was something she hadn't even considered an option.

Kristin's eyes were watering, stunned by the simple statement but there was a silent sadness accompanying her words that Katie didn't understand.

"Oh Katie, I'm so sorry. Please, don't understand me wrong.

If you had told me a few months ago ... I would have considered a chance for ... us, but now ..."
She stopped and tore her hands away from the other woman. "We ... 'us' wouldn't work out. I'm sorry."

Kristin rose from her chair, her legs buckling after the long hours of sitting and hearing this news.
She went over to the door and touched the handle, but didn't move it.

"Please go."

It was a simple request and Kathryn knew that Kristin needed to be alone but didn't she understand that she also had to deal with some not quite pleasing news herself?

That it wasn't the easiest thing to do to leave right now?

Still she stood up and walked over to where the older woman was waiting for her. She stopped in front of her, lifting one hand to touch her cheek and smiled. "I'm sorry, too. I wanted to tell, I really did. But I couldn't. I was too afraid that you would reject me." Her smile faltered as well as her voice as new tears threatened to fall. "And now it seems my fear was confirmed." Hitchcock took a step back and wiped the tears from her eyes. "Goodbye, Kristin. I'll never forget you."

She dropped her hand and opened the door to Westphalen's quarters and stepped outside, turning
around for what she knew was the last time she would see the other woman. Kristin smiled even though the sadness was still evident in her voice. "Goodbye, Katie. Live your dreams."

Kathryn smiled in return. "I'll drop you a line."

With that she turned and walked away and she didn't know if it was just out of Kristin's quarters or completely out of her life.

~Fin~

Life is a dream we are dreaming