Title: Coitus Ergo Sum

Sequel to Cogito Ergo Sum which can be found in the Smallville Archive

Warning: HUMOR...still. As if I would write anything else.

Rated: NC-17 for really disturbing content. And I *mean* disturbing. So don't read if you are easily (or not so easily) disturbed. No character death though.

Disclaimer: Though many characters were stolen from Oh (like Sherlock Holmes, Harry Potter and Michael Shanks), Oh would never do such a thing. Smallville belongs to The WB, Gough & Milar, DC Comics and whoever else claims ownership. Don't hurt me.

Author's notes: Thank you, Michael. I love you more than ever.

Feedback: slash_spam@yahoo.com - give it to me hard!


Coitus Ergo Sum
by Oh

"Use it, Clark, use it!"

"But it hurts! It hurts so much!"

"We'll just start slow, okay? - What is 1 + 1? Take it slow? You don't want to hurt yourself."

"uhm...2? Maybe?"

"Yes!" Lex jumped up and down happpily from one leg to the other and waved his hands in the air.

"Lex, `happily` is spelled with only one p!"

"Oh my god, you are such a genius! Your new superpower is awe-inspiring! It's so much cooler than you being an alien. And thank you for telling me."

"I suddenly couldn't find a reason not to."

Lex tiptoed around Clark, jumping up and down, he stood really still.

"Oh, Lex, you don't have to pretend to be Julian to make me happy."

The once red-haired millionaire took his thumb out of his mouth with a `plopp`.

"It hurts, Lex, my brain hurts. And it`s only one `p` in `plop` by the way. Okay, two if you count the first one but never three."

He gazed into Clark's sky blue eyes. "Oh, Clark, you took me hostage with your eyes." Softly, he punched a kiss on Clark's lips. "You enchanted me with your angelic voice." He grabbed Clark's ass and pushed him against the wall. "Your ass haunts me in my dreams."

"Oh, Lex, you are such a romantic."

"Okay. Let's have sex." Lex shuffled his feet. "Hyper, Hyper!" he screamed. "Let's go!"

They dropped their clothes. Lex pushed his head against Clark's knee repeatedly.

"Lex," Clark said, "are you trying to tell me something?"

"I'm trying to be gay here. Relax, Clark."

"That's not gay. Did you take your pills lately?"

/insert Darth Vader theme/

"Yes. Why are asking?"

"`Cause you are constantly smiling and it scares me a little bit."

/insert blow job here/

Clark held Lex head in his hands.

"Oh my god, Lex, you are bleeding. Are you okay?"

Clark looked down at his dick that was potruding out of the back of Lex's head.

"mphphhhh," Lex tried to say.

"Oh. Sorry." Carefully, Clark pulled his cock out Lex' mouth. "And, uhm, sorry, about the grey mass on your carpet."

Clark jumped up and waved his hands in the air. "Help!" he screamed.

Immediately, Lionel opened the door and came in one step after another, very carefully but quickly nonetheless, making several turns, and looked over his shoulder. "I hope I lost them," he said. "I didn't want to hurt anyone."

Clark looked at him. "You stole my line," he pouted.

"Yeah, well, you know me."

/insert Darth Vader theme/

"You know me *well*," Lionel grinned evilly but sexy nonetheless.

/insert porn music/

"Oh....there's this thing with Lex. I don't know...he's not talking anymore."

"That's not true," Lex whined. "You just couldn't hear me over that porn music."

"Oh, Lex, are you okay?" Clark hugged him, smothering him with his love. "But watch out! That's my only blue shirt with a red ass."

"You mean `s`," Lex answered.

Clark looked up at Lionel. "Is it normal that Lex bleeds so much after sex?"

"Yes...normally not from the ears though."

"What can I do? What can I do?" Clark freaked out.

"Take an anal plug and put it into the back of his head. Just remember to take it out after two days or it'll grow in and you'll get a nasty surprise during your next sexual activity. And if that`s not enough, put him into the golden sarcophagos down in the basement. But not too often otherwise his hair comes back and he looks really silly with those wavy red locks. - But, shhhhhhhh, family secret. That's where I get my beautiful wavy locks."

/insert L'Oreal music/

"My hair always gets better with red Kryptonite. But, shhhhh, family secret," Clark answered.

"Hellohooooo?" Lex whined "Deadly head injury here! Would you stop ignoring me?"

"Lex always gets a little whiny when he bleeds. Just give him some pills."

Lionel looked over his shoulder. "They found me! They found me! I have to leave really fast!" Slowly, he walked out of Lex's office.

/insert anal plug/

"How do you feel?"

"I'm fine. See?" Lex jumped up and down and waved his hands. "Hyper! Hyper! Let's go!" he screamed.

Clark sat down on the sofa, put his right leg over his left leg. One foot was approximately 30 centimeters above the ground. Realising he was naked, he said: "Lex I'm sorry I asked you to watch out for my red shirt. I didn't wear one. - Blue shirt with a red `S`. Very funny, Oh."

"Oh," Lex said.

The opened and Lana came in. She wore a really cute pink dress and pink eyeliner and held a pink cell phone. She jumped up and down in her lovely pink shoes and looked like a five-year-old. "I'm a fairy princess!" she sang. "A beautyful pinky pink fairy princessy."

"Lana, `beautiful` is written...argh...forget about it. You'll never learn."

"Oh, Clark, you are always so funny."

"Lana, there's something different about you. What is it?"

"Use your brain, Clark." Lex rolled his eyes.

"Oh yes... Lana. You are...bald! That's bold!"

"Yes, Clark, I decided to get you back. And I forgive you for having sex with Chloe, Lionel, Lex and my hamster."

"You stupid bint! He would never have sex with Chloe or my father! Have you taken your pills lately?"

"phhhhhhhh....says the man with the anal plug in his head."

"Stop it! Stop fighting! Fighting is wrong! My head! It hurts! And my nose! It hurts, too!"

"Clark?" Lex looked at him worriedly. "Is your nose blinking?"

/insert ominious music/


TBC

Join us again next week when Clark learns to wave in Helicopters with his blinking nose.

Next Episode: "Blinkus Nosus Ergo Sum"