Title: It's Simple Really

Author name: Sirius-Potter Fan (aka: ariana587)

Email for feedback: ariana587@yahoo.com

Fandom: Smallville

Pairings: Clark/Lex

Rating: R

Summary: I’m so scared that the way that I feel is written all over my face. . .

Disclaimer: I own nothing and no one though I wish I did.

It's Simple Really
by Sirius-Potter Fan aka: ariana587

Clark was obsessed. He had played the song over and over for days ever since he’d gotten the CD. The first time he’d heard the song on the radio it just seemed to fit what he was feeling so perfectly that he went out and bought it. All the songs were good, but he mostly just kept that one on repeat. He sighed and wondered when his parents were going to get annoyed and make him turn it off. ‘When they do I’ll just take it out to the Fortress instead,’ he thought. He lay back on his bed closing his eyes and breathed deeply as the song started over for the millionth time.


I’m so scared that the way that I feel

Is written all over my face

When you walk into the room
I wanna find a hiding place
We used to laugh
We used to hug
The way that old friends do
But now a smile and a touch of your hand
Just makes me come unglued

‘We never really hugged though. He’s too cool for that and I’m not cool enough. If I got close enough to hug him there’d be no need to tell him I want to be more than friends. He’d be able to feel it against his leg easily enough.’


It’s so complicated
I’m so frustrated
I wanna hold you close
I wanna push you away
I wanna make you go
I wanna make you stay

He was amazed at how perfectly the songwriter had captured exactly what happened to his insides whenever he was near Lex. He was very, very frustrated on so many levels. He wanted to be close to Lex, but it was torture because he couldn’t get close enough.

Sometimes he wanted to grab Lex and never let go. Oddly enough those were the same moments when he couldn’t stand to have Lex touch him, even if it was just an accidental brush of hands. Sometimes, during one of these moments, he would be so overwhelmed by the need to tell Lex, or just to show him, what was in his heart that he would have to get up suddenly and leave the room. He’d go to the bathroom and take deep breaths, which never seemed to help, but it was all he could think to do.

Should I say it
Should I tell you how I feel
Oh I want you to know
But then again I don’t
It’s so complicated

He wanted to tell Lex he loved him. He could think of several reasons to just suck it up and say it already. First, he knew his friend well enough to know that an honest declaration of love was something he’d rarely heard in his life. Perhaps the last person who had truly cared for Lex was his mother. Everyone else seemed to want what the Luthor name could bring them.

He’d never understand how people could miss the beauty and value of Lex himself. Maybe it had something to do with being human. Maybe his x-ray vision extended beyond the ability to see through physical walls into the ability to see through emotional ones as well.

He wanted Lex to know that he saw the Lex and not just the Luthor and adored him for his bravery, his kindness, his empathy, his vulnerability, and so much more. It wasn’t a lack of trust that kept him from telling his best friend the truth. He knew that no matter what Lex would still be his friend. That Lex wouldn’t even look at him with disgust or hatred for wanting him this way. No, Lex would be flattered; would even thank Clark before apologizing. "I’m sorry I can’t return your feelings Clark. I care about you, just not in that way," he could imagine Lex saying.

The main reason he didn’t want to take the risk was that he didn’t want to lose the fantasy. Now, he could imagine that Lex returned his feelings. That he would say, "I love you too Clark," and press their mouths together in a hot, wet, passionate game of tonsil hockey. However, once the words were out Clark wouldn’t be able to sustain the fantasy in the face of rejection. In the harsh light of reality he would lose even that one comfort.

***

Lex sat in the kitchen of the Kent house sipping iced tea and waiting for Clark. When he’d arrived he had been expecting to encounter Martha, but she was out. Jonathan had welcomed him with an odd look and offered him a drink while he waited, assuring him that Clark would be done changing in a few minutes. That in itself was strange, though the man had been much more tolerant of Lex’s friendship with his son since the "Level Three Incident."

They sat in silence at the table listening to the music coming from Clark’s room and drinking. It was weird to be sitting, not uncomfortably, across from the elder Kent. There was obviously something on Jonathan’s mind, but it didn’t seem to involve any hostility, only puzzlement.

In the past half hour Lex had almost grown to hate the beautiful song. He knew Clark was upstairs thinking about Lana and trying to work up the courage to tell her what was in his heart. Foolish girl didn’t deserve such devotion. She obviously took it for granted. Seeing it as a balm to her ego rather than the precious gift it was. Lex would give anything to have what Lana had. Hell, sometimes he wished he was Lana. If only so that Clark would look at him that way, just once.

By the fifth time the song had repeated itself Lex had the words memorized. They ran in circles in his mind. He could identify with parts of it. ~ Now a smile and a touch of your hand just makes me come unglued~ Accidental brushings of the hand could definitely make him come unglued. They could almost make him come in his pants like he was the 15 year old instead of Clark.

Of course they were accidental on Clark’s part, but not so much on his own. Sometimes he just couldn’t resist the sweet torture of featherlight brushes of skin against skin. He sighed inwardly. The part about wanting him to know was all wrong. He had no intention of ever telling Clark that he was in love with him. He knew what reaction he’d get. He knew because Clark had already seen somehow, through his careful mask, the emotions he was feeling.

They had been watching a movie at the castle one night, just the two of them close together on the couch with a bowl of popcorn between them. Their hands had touched, slick with butter, and he’d held there for just a moment too long. He had turned to see Clark watching him with an odd, strained look. "Clark," he’d asked, "Are you all right?" Clark had tried to smile, but only succeeded in looking nauseous. The boy’s eyes had looked glazed and distant with a panic underneath that he was trying in vain to hide.

He had reached out a hand to touch Clark on the shoulder, just to get his attention. Clark had nearly jumped out of his skin. He’d looked at Lex with so much fear it took his breath away. Then he’d run from the room.

Lex had started taking deep breaths to calm himself. ‘It’s ok. That was nothing. He couldn’t have figured it out from a simple touch on the shoulder. Calm down Luthor,’ he’d thought to himself. A few minutes later Clark had returned looking much calmer, but Lex knew it was just a mask. After all, Luthors were masters of disguise. The farmboy’s usual open, honest expression was gone.

Since that night it had happened a handful of other times. He would forget himself and make some seemingly innocent gesture and Clark would run off only to return with the careful mask in place. Sometimes the touches really were innocent, but the boy still reacted with the same panic. Clark had discovered part of his secret and that was bad enough. Attraction was one thing, but if Clark found out that Lex was in love with him he would run away and never come back.

Lex finished his tea and stood. "Well, it seems Clark is not in the mood for company. Thank you for the tea. Please tell him I stopped by and that I‘ll call him later." He headed for the door.

"Lex wait! Don’t go just yet. Clark will be down soon. He has a lot on his mind. Please? He’d be sorry to have missed you."

Lex sat down from the shock alone. Jonathan Kent was pleading with him to stay? Not to get the hell out and never come back, but to wait for Clark just a little longer, please? Smallville must not be Hell after all as it was still a mild spring day. No ice sheet covering every surface. Lex looked out the window expecting to see winged pigs drifting by on the breeze.

Jonathan poured him another glass of tea and Lex sipped while he contemplated the odds of Jonathan having been infected somehow by meteor rocks.

***

Clark slid a hand down his bare chest to his stomach drifting his fingers in lazy circles. Then his hand dipped lower to stroke his erection through his jeans. Thinking about Lex for so long had him aching with the need to come. This was happening too often; in class, at the dinner table, at the Talon with Lex sitting across from him. He was blowing off homework to listen to the CD and jerk off thinking about Lex’s hands on him.

The only thing that hadn’t suffered was his chores. He welcomed the opportunity to direct his energy to something other than his fantasies. As he lay there touching himself he made the decision to tell Lex the truth as soon as possible. As much as he adored this world of his own creation he knew it wasn’t real. He needed to face reality. He needed to see and hear the rejection to wake him up. Like ripping off a band-aid. It would hurt at first but he would get used to the sting and maybe he could even move on with his life. If he kept living in his imagination he would lose everything real including his friendship with Lex.

First, however, he had to take care of this aching need for release. He couldn’t show up at the castle like this. He wouldn’t be able to think straight. He moaned aloud at the thought of Lex seeing his hard on and offering to suck him off. He carefully unzipped his jeans and slid them down along with his boxers. He licked his palm then wrapped his fist tightly around his cock and began to stroke thinking of Lex’s mouth on him. When he came it was a warm, sticky explosion all over his bare chest. He bit his lower lip to keep from screaming Lex’s name out loud. He felt sleepy, but knew he could not drift off like this. He had to go to the castle. First, however, he needed to clean up.

He lay there for a moment breathing softly and reveling in the thought of Lex wanting him, touching him. Then he headed to the shower.

***

Lex was startled out of his reverie when the music cut off abruptly. He expected to see Clark walk into the kitchen at any moment and could see that Jonathan looked relieved. He barely had time to think about that before the sound of running water hit him like a punch in the gut. He squirmed in his seat. Clark was in the shower. Clark was in the shower and Lex was suddenly hard as a rock. He could NOT be thinking of Clark naked in the shower while sitting across from Jonathan Kent. ‘Jesus Christ!’ he thought trying not to groan aloud.

Jonathan jumped up suddenly and said, "Please don’t leave Lex. Clark will be down in a minute. I have –uh. . . something I need to take care of." He ran from the room and Lex was distracted again at the thought of meteors having somehow affected Jonathan’s brain.

These thoughts almost served to distract him from the thought of Clark in the shower. . . Clark all hot, wet, and steamy. Damn. This was the last time he came to this house without calling first. He couldn’t afford to lose control with Clark’s parents around or he’d be kicked out of their lives for good.

Finally the water stopped running and Lex managed to calm down somewhat. Then Clark came down the stairs wearing jeans and a too small white t-shirt, his hair still dripping wet, and a smile that disappeared when he saw Lex.

"Uh, hey Lex," he said swallowing hard. The mask was back.

"Hey Clark. I came by to see if you wanted to watch movies this weekend," Lex was close to panic. He needed to leave this house NOW.

"Sure. Sounds great."

"Good. So then I’ll see you Friday night around seven?"

"Sure."

"Ok. Well. Bye then," Lex turned to leave trying hard not to be obvious about his desperate desire to get out of there.

"Um. . . Lex?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I um. . . talk to you about something?"

‘Oh, God. Here it comes,’ he thought. "Sure Clark. What is it?" He was suddenly thankful for his father’s training in stoicism.

"Um. . . not here. In the Fortress ok?"

"Ok." ‘Ohgodohgodohgodohgod.’

They walked out to the barn in silence. Lex was on the verge of a panic attack. Now Clark would tell him that they couldn’t hang out anymore because of the way Lex looked at him. This could not be happening. He could not be losing his best friend.

Clark was also on the verge of a panic attack. ‘This is so surreal. I can’t believe I’m going to hit on my best friend,’ he thought.

They climbed the stairs to the loft and Clark asked Lex to sit down. Lex sank gratefully onto the couch his knees weak and his heart racing.

"I’ve been wanting to talk to you about this for a long time now," said Clark. Lex felt his worst fears confirmed. "I know this might seem strange. I promise I’m not asking you for anything. I just need to tell you the truth so that I can move on. I need to live in the real world again."

"Look Clark, I know what you’re going to say and I’m sorry. I’ll leave now and you won’t ever have to see me again. I never meant to scare you or do anything to ruin our friendship." Lex was focusing more on damage control than on Clark’s actual words. He stood to leave. ‘Please God don’t let him agree. Make him say we can work this out somehow. Still be friends.’

For a moment Clark thought he had misjudged Lex. He thought Lex hated him after all and wouldn’t be able to handle this. Then the rest of Lex’s words registered. ‘Scare me?’ he thought. ‘What is he talking about?’

His confusion showed on his face. He looked at Lex with true puzzlement and Lex realized that he’d almost given away everything. The Luthor mask slid over his features and Clark was scared then. "Lex?" he asked clearly hurt and frightened.

"I’m sorry Clark. I was babbling. It’s just that you looked so afraid and I. .."

Relief filled Clark. Lex wasn’t throwing him out of his life after all. He took a deep breath. "Sit down Lex and just let me get this out. I need to tell you this and I need you not to say anything until I’m finished ok?"

Curious, Lex nodded. What could the boy be confessing? What small sin could have him so obviously worried? "You can tell me anything Clark."

‘Here goes nothing.’ Clark looked Lex in the eyes and his expression was open and honest, but revealed nothing. "Ever since that day on the bridge you’ve become so important in my life Lex. I- I love you."

Lex was filled with happiness at the words Clark was saying. He thought maybe he could be happy with just this beautiful boy’s friendship after all. He could see in Clark’s eyes that that friendship would never waver. He was so grateful that Clark didn’t hate him for having feelings that went beyond friendship.

"I love you too Clark. You’re my best friend. You’ve saved my life so many times." Lex was trying hard not to cry.

From Lex’s reaction, which was sweet, but not shocked or surprised, Clark could tell he’d misunderstood. Clark took a deep breath and Lex could see that the fear was back in his eyes. "No Lex, you don’t underst-"

"Clark wha-?"

"Please Lex. Just. . .just stop. I need to get this out." The fear was rapidly returning to panic and it was rubbing off on Lex, increasing his own anxiety out of proportion. What was making Clark so scared? Lex felt tingles all over his body as though his limbs had fallen asleep.

"Lex, I- I don’t just love you. I’m IN love with you. As in want to date you, kiss you, hold you— I—" Lex’s eyes went wide with shock, but Clark felt a weight lift from his chest. The panic left him. It was done. He’d said it and he could work at moving on with his life.

Lex felt certain that whatever meteor rocks Jonathan had come in contact with were affecting him now as well. Could it have been the iced tea? His skin was suddenly buzzing all over and he was sick with the knowledge that he was hallucinating. Something new for Chloe’s Wall of Weird; he could see the headlines now: "Meteors Found to Contain LSD-like Substance" or "Meteors- the New Crack Rock."

This was not what Clark had been expecting. He had thought Lex would be surprised or even a little upset, but he thought this was a bit extreme. Lex looked as though he were about to pass out from a head injury. "Lex?" Clark ventured shyly. Lex jumped up from the couch and started pacing and swearing. He dripped sweat. Suddenly he began shouting, "You can’t talk to me! You’re not real. You are only in my mind."

Clark was shocked. Lex was behaving so bizarrely. If he didn’t know better he’d think the billionaire was high. Could Lex have taken drugs? Was that why he’d been acting so strangely? Lex was darting hostile glances at him and generally acting paranoid. He would have to take Lex to the hospital. He was obviously far gone on acid or something. "Lex," he tried again. He reached out to grab hold of Lex’s arm to keep him from hurting himself. "Lex did you take any drugs today? What were they?"

"No, no I didn’t take any drugs. It must have been the meteor rocks!"

"Meteor rocks? What were you doing with meteor rocks? Did you eat them?" He couldn’t figure out why Lex would eat meteor rocks, but it seemed the only logical explanation for what he was saying.

"No, I didn’t EAT them. I think they were in the iced tea."

"Iced tea? What are you talking about?"

"The tea your father gave me. He was acting odd too. I wonder if he thought I was a hallucination." Lex said this more to himself than Clark.

"Lex, sit down. I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I assure you my father didn’t serve you meteor rock tea. Can you think where else you might have gotten the drug in your system?" Lex was starting to look sick again. He reached out and touched Clark’s arm and then jumped.

"You don’t feel like a hallucination," he said accusingly.

"I’m NOT a hallucination Lex. I’m real." Clark was getting frustrated at not knowing what the hell was going on. He needed to calm Lex down and find out what he’d taken so he could get him some help. He was jumpy and still pacing.

"Oh God. What’s happening to me?" Lex started crying and Clark panicked. He couldn’t think of anything else to do so he went for shock value. He leaned over and pressed his lips against Lex’s.

Lex was really starting to freak. He couldn’t imagine what sort of drugs would cause hallucinations this real. It had to be meteor rocks. They had been known to cause some strange reactions in people. The hallucination even felt real. He couldn’t stop the tears from coming and then suddenly Clark was kissing him and he decided that maybe hallucinating wasn’t so bad after all.

Clark had only meant to surprise Lex with the sudden kiss before pulling away. Almost like a slap only nicer. For Clark, at least. He felt a wave of guilt for being such an ass. How could he be thinking of taking advantage of Lex when he was like this? He was about to pull away when Lex started to kiss him back.

His lips parted in surprise and Lex used the opportunity to begin exploring the inside of his mouth sliding his tongue over teeth and then sucking Clark’s tongue into his mouth.

Clark whimpered and the sound made Lex growl. Clark tasted so real. Suddenly it was too much. He was making out with a hallucination for crying out loud. He had to get his mind back under his own control.

Clark nearly fell onto the couch as Lex pushed him away and resumed pacing. He realized how oddly this confession of love was turning out. Nothing in his life could ever be simple.

"Clark, this is not good. You’re not real and I need to get my mind back and oh, God I’m talking to a hallucination."

"Why are you so convinced I’m not real?"

"Well, for one thing the real Clark would never let me kiss him like that. He would never tell me he was in love with me. This is obviously some heavy-duty wishful thinking combined with some sort of drug. I just don’t get how any drug could make a hallucination seem so real. The feel of your skin, your smell, the taste of your mouth they’re all so unbelievably. . . vivid. In all the times I’ve dreamed of you like this it’s never been--"

"Wait a minute. You’ve dreamed about this? About. . . kissing me?"

"And a lot more my very vivid little dream," Lex suddenly gave Clark a lascivious look that was almost comical except that it sent chills down his spine. Lex had dreamed of him. Lex wanted him! Clark’s insides turned to tingling mush. He had a momentary thought that maybe HE was hallucinating, but discarded that quickly. A silly grin spread over his face.

"I am really real Lex and I’m really in love with you. I’ve been debating with myself all afternoon and I finally decided that I needed to tell you so that you could reject me and I could get on with my life instead of fantasizing all the time about what it would be like to touch you, to taste you. I never thought that you—" he looked down suddenly shy.

This was wrong. Lex’s fantasies had never gone like this. He had never imagined Clark nervous and afraid of rejection. The series of expressions on Clark’s face combined with the taste of Clark still in his mouth made Lex realize that he wasn’t hallucinating. This was really happening. "That I’d love you back?"

"Do you?" Clark looked hopeful and vulnerable and Lex’s heart ached in his chest.

"Yes Clark. I love you. I’m IN love with you. As in want to date you, kiss you, hold you," Lex grinned and took Clark’s mouth again with his own. Suddenly he found himself being pushed hard into the wall as Clark became the aggressor taking his turn exploring Lex’s mouth before invading. Lex was trapped between a wall and a hard place and he didn’t mind at all.

After a few minutes of intense full frontal snogging they stood panting with their foreheads pressed together. It was so good to just be together with the truth finally in the open.

"So Lex, now that the drugs have worn off, are you hungry?" Clark asked jokingly.

"Starving. That panic attack used up a lot of energy."

"Not to mention the game of tonsil hockey."

Lex burst out laughing and took Clark’s hand in his twining their fingers together. They walked back to the house together enjoying just holding hands. They went into the kitchen and Clark started pulling out meat, bread, and cheese to make sandwiches. Lex sighed with happiness as the truth settled in his gut. This was way too vivid to be a hallucination. This was real. This was everything.

Clark laughed at the look of satisfaction on Lex’s face. Who’d have thought a Luthor could be happy in a kitchen on a farm in Kansas. He was very glad that things weren’t so complicated anymore. They only had been because he’d made them that way. The truth made everything seem so simple. He smiled at the realization that soon he would tell Lex all his truths. He wanted no secrets between them. For now, though, he just wanted to enjoy Lex.

They sat down to eat their ham sandwiches and grinned like fools the whole time. Clark noticed a bit of mustard on Lex’s chin and leaned over to lick it off. When he leaned back he saw his father standing in the doorway of the kitchen watching them. Lex looked up as well and they both felt a shiver of fear.

Then they noticed that Jonathan had a huge grin on his face. "It’s about damn time," he said gruffly. Then he wandered off mumbling something about chores.

~end~

A/N: The song used here is "Complicated" by Carolyn Dawn Johnson