title: Mirror

fandom: Smallville

pairing: Clark/Lex

rating: R

author: nancy

spoilers: eveything

archive: sure, just let me know!

summary: Lex realizes that he didn't mean to become the man he is.

warnings: bad language and angst

disclaimers: we all know this, not mine, never will be, sure as hell not making any money off this.

author's note: inspired by - In This Life, by Chantal Kreviazuk. You should check out the cd because quite a few of the songs on it reminded me of Smallville! it's an awesome cd. *grin*

Mirror
By nancy

It occurred to Lex, as he sat alone in his office, that he'd turned out exactly like his father. A thought that left a very bitter taste in his mouth. He was alone, without even an heir apparent to hound or ignore in turn. So really, his father had been one-up on Lex at this point in his life.

Shaking off the melancholy, Lex got to his feet and grabbed his keys. He caught sight of something out of the corner of his eyes and stopped abruptly. Turning, Lex found a reflection of only himself in the tinted window. He stared, really looked at himself, as a stranger might, and didn't recognize the man that he found: big, strong, a hard face, sharp, merciless eyes, wider than usual perhaps as they took everything in, the familiar smooth pate.

Was this really him? This man who looked as though he owned the world, but had bought it at the cost of his soul. He didn't really remember becoming this man. He remembered a slighter frame, a softer face, eyes that were only a little jaded, but willing to believe given the right circumstance. The hatred and fury staring back at him, never hidden, frightened him suddenly.

His hand reached out, tracing the outline of his face in the glass with something akin to horror. Lex hadn't meant to become this. His vision shifted beyond and encompassed the glittering lights of Metropolis. He'd been going to change the world, yes, but for the better. All these years fighting against Superman and for what? Because he was an alien? Because he was more powerful? Because he could so easily take over the world that Lex coveted?

But he hadn't. Neither of them had. Superman had been dogging his steps from day one with uncanny accuracy. It occurred to him, just as out of the blue, that Superman could have killed him many times over by now, if he'd really wanted to do so. That each time he'd sent Lex to jail, there had been a strangely disappointed look on his face, aside from the anger at yet another scheme to be thwarted.

Anger overcame him and Lex shouted, "Who are you to judge me!?"

More angry than he had been in years, Lex cast around for something, anything, to throw at the reflection mocking him. His hands landed on a heavy, lead-cut crystal vase and it shattered against the unbreakable glass only a second later. After that, the contents of his desk were shoved on the floor. He took the chair and hurled it at the glass with all his strength, but of course it only bounced off, falling to the floor.

Panting, Lex didn't stop to think, he just ran to the elevator and hit the roof button. It took far too long for him to get there, but once on the roof, he walked straight to the edge and looked down. No vertigo. No fear. Nothing. He felt nothing at the thought that he could so easily fall to his death. His life wasn't worth anything to anyone, himself included, and that brought tears for the first time in a decade.

Dropping to his knees, Lex's arms wound around his waist and he shuddered, knowing exactly the moment that he'd lost his heart and his conscience. It hadn't been Helen's betrayal, that had almost been expected. It had been when Clark hadn't rescued him. When Clark hadn't come after him, as he always had before.

"Oh God, Clark," he gasped, remembered pain resurfacing to drive a spike through his heart. "I'm sorry, so sorry, God…help me."

Staring at the edge of the building through the wash of tears, Lex was able to see clearly for the first time in far too long. The world was brought sharply into view and he saw all the moments that he'd missed. All the love and tenderness and friendship and family that had been offered to him that he'd cast aside and trod on with disrespect and mocked, to boot.

Martha Kent's heartbreaking loss of her miracle baby. The way Clark had been driven away through guilt, though Lex still didn't understand why. Chloe turning on her best friend and working for Lionel. The image of Jonathan Kent through it all, disapproving even as he hurt, stoic and helpless as his family fell apart.

It had been a decade ago, but Lex remembered it as though it had just happened. He could have stopped it all. He could have saved the Kents all that heartache and disaster to come, if only he hadn't turned on Clark when he'd finally returned to Smallville.

Head in his hands, Lex groaned with the pain of guilt that was searing through him. It burst out of him in a scream. "I'm sorry! Okay? I'm sorry! It's my fault! All of it, my fault!"

Staggering to his feet, Lex again stared over the edge of the building, the edge of the building that he had taken from his own father and gutted to make his own. The symbol of all his sins, it seemed. All the blood that he'd shed in his conquest for power. All the heartache that he'd caused without a second thought. Both were great in number, too great to atone for, he knew.

And it wasn't like anyone would miss him when he was gone. There would probably be a parade that he'd met his end this way.

Wiping his eyes and nose on his sleeve, Lex swallowed and uttered one more, pained, "I'm sorry, Clark," before closing his eyes and stepping into nothing.

* * * *

He woke up, and that was wrong in and of itself. Lex knew right away that he was alive, even if he didn't understand how that was possible.

"You know, there's a good chance that if Superman didn't make it part of his normal routine to fly by the tower, that you'd be dead by now."

Shit. Sighing, Lex answered, "That was the idea, Clark," and opened his eyes.

Clark leaned against the doorframe of the bedroom, staring at him with an unreadable expression. He was dressed only in jeans and t-shirt, his hair wild and thick, green eyes shuttered as they never had been in the past. "I never took you as the suicidal type, Lex."

Struggling into a sitting position, groaning at the pain in his ribs, Lex rested against the headboard and said, "I never was."

"What changed?"

"I…saw myself," Lex whispered, not meeting Clark's eyes. "My reflection. I don't know why now, or what was different, but Jesus, Clark, I'm a monster! I'm the alien, not Superman. I don't think I even know how to be human any more."

There was a long silence, then Clark simply left the room, his bare feet padding softly away until Lex couldn't hear them anymore. Despite the pain, Lex turned onto his side and curled up into a ball. Even the man who used to be his best friend couldn't stand to look at him. It was only appropriate, of course, but still hurt more than he'd expected. They hadn't even talked for years, aside from the questions that 'Clark, the Daily Planet Reporter' had as him at press conferences.

He didn't even realize that he was crying again until a strong, warm hand rested on his back and Clark whispered, "It's okay, Lex, it's going to be fine, I promise."

Without thinking, Lex twisted over and grabbed onto Clark's legs, holding on and burying his face against the strong muscles as though they were a lifeline to sanity. Which maybe, they were, Clark was, for sure. The other man bent over him, arms wrapping around Lex's back and his hands clutched Lex, just as tight as Lex clutched him.

By the time the sobs came to a stop, Lex felt more wrung out than if Superman had actually pummeled him. His eyes were swollen and scratchy, his throat felt scraped raw, and his head ached abominably. Lying there on Clark's bed, Lex was completely worn out and leaned on the ready strength of his friend, pathetically grateful that Clark cared enough to still consider him a friend.

"I'm going to make you some tea," Clark whispered. "And I want you to drink it and get some sleep. We'll talk when you wake up again."

Lex nodded and shifted back so that Clark could get up. It was only a few minutes that the other man was gone, and the microwave beeped only seconds before Clark returned, but Lex felt lost without his presence.

Sitting on the bed again, Clark held out the cup and warned, "I mixed a sleeping pill into it."

Though he wanted to protest, Lex didn't. He just took the cup and swallowed it all down, ignoring the new burn on his throat. The pill took effect almost immediately, preying on Lex's already worn state with ease. Sighing a bit, he yawned and closed his eyes, whispering, "Thank you, Clark."

Fingers ghosted across his cheek and Clark whispered back, "You're welcome, Lex."

Then darkness replaced the distressing grayness and Lex fell into oblivion for the second time.

* * * *

Clark grabbed the phone on the second ring, speeding over to get it so that it wouldn't wake Lex. Bringing it into the kitchen, he answered, "Hello?"

"Clark! I don't care if you're on death's door because you have to come in! Luthor's been kidnapped or something!" Lois exclaimed from the other end. "The office is a wreck, but there's no sign of forced entry. Looks like he put up a hell of a fight!"

Eyes flickering to the bedroom door across the way, Clark hesitated before answering, "I can't, Lois."

"What? Hey wait, you're not sick, Kent!"

"No, but a friend of mine…he's…well he tried to kill himself last night. I need to stay with him, get him through this."

There was a brief pause and then, quieter, Lois agreed, "Sure, of course. I'm sorry, Clark."

"Thanks. And hey, I wouldn't put too much effort into this Lex story, Lois. I'm sure he'll turn up. He always does."

"Clark, what aren't you telling me?"

Cursing the fact that she knew him too well, Clark answered, "Nothing. I'm just saying that if Lex can take on Superman without too much trouble, he'll be fine against anyone else."

After a suspicious silence, Lois said, "All right, I'll let this slide, but if I find out you've been keeping something from me, your ass, is grass."

Clark smiled. "See you later, Lois."

"Bye, Clark. Hope your friend comes out of this okay."

"Me, too," Clark murmured, hanging up.

He replaced the phone then just stood there, uncertain what to do. Even if he had one, Clark doubted that there would be something in the alien superhero handbook for when your enemy was suddenly your best friend again. And Clark was pretty sure that's exactly what had happened. Why and how, he had no idea, but Clark wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

His hands shook a little with the knowledge that Lex had almost died. That if he hadn't heard the screaming, Lex would be a smear on the pavement. It had been so close, too close for Clark to think about with any sense of objectivity. The impact of catching Lex at such an awkward angle had broken a few of Lex's ribs. He'd only been about fifteen feet from the ground when he'd caught Lex and the other man had already been unconscious from the fall.

Shuddering, Clark sat down before he fell down, his knees buckling under the weight of how much Lex had wanted to die. In all the years that they'd been fighting, Clark had never seen this coming. He had never thought for a minute that guilt would ever rear its too-long absent head, never mind with such a vengeance. But it had been guilt, and pain, that Lex had screamed into the uncaring night.

That last agonized whisper had gone straight to Clark's soul and he'd put on such a burst of speed that windows had shattered with the sonic boom.

His hands were still shaking and he stared at them, unable to get them to stop.

"Clark?"

Clark's head jerked around at Lex's soft inquiry and he swallowed heavily. Lex was holding onto the doorframe as though it were the only thing keeping him up, still dressed in the expensive slacks and shirt from the day before, his eyes red-rimmed and exhausted. For a moment, Clark didn't, couldn't, move. Then he scrambled to his feet to get to Lex just as the other man took a few halting steps towards him and began to fall.

Catching him, Clark held on tight for a few seconds, then pulled back and demanded harshly, "Why are you up? You should be sleeping!"

Wide blue eyes searched his face and Lex whispered, "I'm sorry. I didn't think…I didn't think anyone would care, Clark. If I'd known, if, if I'd had a clue how you felt, I would never have done it."

Adam's apple bobbing convulsively as he tried to restrain his emotions, something he'd never been good at, Clark said fiercely, "You shouldn't have done it anyhow, Lex! The world needs you!"

A bitter chuckle escaped and Lex shook his head. "No, no it doesn't. Superman's been right about me all this time, Clark."

"Not about you, Lex, it was never about you. It was about what you did," Clark corrected. "And the world does need you, Lex, not Lex Luthor, criminal mastermind. Just you. I need…just you."

"I'm not good enough for you, Clark, never have been," Lex muttered.

Cupping his face, Clark said, "You let me decide about that, okay? I just…I want my best friend back, Lex, please?"

There was a long, dangerous pause where Lex's internal struggle played out across the chiseled face. Hints of the caring, younger man he used to be, battled against the hardened criminal he'd become.

"Please, Lex."

A wry smile finally surface and Lex leaned into Clark's hand as he answered, "I never could say no to you."

Clark breathed a deep sigh of relief, his own lips twitching into a brief smile. "Good. Now, let's get you back to bed."

Nodding, Lex accepted the arm around his waist for support and they returned to the bed. Lex filled up most of it as he looked up at Clark and asked, "Join me?"

"I, I don't think…"

"Just to sleep, Clark," Lex assured him. "I'm so tired, but, every time I close my eyes, I see everything I've ever done wrong. The people I've hurt."

After another, brief hesitation, Clark got under the covers. Lex shifted until he was lying on Clark, an arm slung over the broad chest and his face in the hollow of Clark's throat. When it was apparent that Lex wasn't going to move again, Clark's hand moved of its own volition to the back of the bare head, cupping the fragile skull before sliding down to rub the tense neck muscles into relaxing.

Lex sighed deeply and his breathing evened out into that of a true sleep. Clark, however, was wide awake and would remain so until he got up, he was sure. This seemed like a dream to him, finally having Lex in his arms, even given the circumstance.

* * * *

Waking up the second time was equally as shocking to Lex, but only because Clark was still there and sleeping beneath him. He'd been positive that, once Lex had fallen asleep, Clark would get up and go about his day. But the deep, steady breathing told him that Clark was sound asleep, and that strong hand still rested on the back of his neck, protective of him, it seemed.

He didn't want to move from that spot. Wanted to continue listening to the heartbeat under him and feel the warm breath on his head, the touch of Clark's chin against his forehead. Wanted more than that, in fact, but knew that was a good long while in the future, if ever. Lex had a lot to make up for before Clark would agree to taking their friendship any further. Just the fact that he wanted that friendship was astounding to Lex and he wondered just how deep a wound he'd inflicted in the other man over the years.

Clark stirred, stretching minutely under him, and Lex smiled faintly, bittersweet at losing this contact. Yawning, Clark's arms tightened as he greeted, "Morning."

Chuckling, Lex countered, "Good evening. Got any food around here?"

"Um…not really," Clark answered. "Was going to go shopping, but even then I don't buy a lot."

"I seem to remember you being a bottomless pit," Lex questioned.

Clark grinned, moving an arm up and behind his head as he replied, "Still am. I just do a lot of take out."

"Ah. Well then, who do you have on speed dial?"

"Chinese, a couple of pizza places, and a really good diner."

"I probably don't want to know your fast-food budget, do I?"

Clark goosed him lightly and answered, "Probably not."

Laughing, Lex rolled over Clark and out of the bed, doing it too fast to really feel anything. "I'm hungry. Feed me."

"You've gotten bossy in your old age," Clark commented, getting more slowly out of the bed.

"Like that's news."

"True. Hey, take a shower, you can borrow some clothes, and by the time you're done, dinner will be here."

Lex nodded and moved towards the battered dresser against the wall as Clark left the bedroom altogether. He forced himself not to linger, just pulled out sweat pants and a t-shirt, then crossed to the bathroom. The shower was longer than he meant to go, losing himself and his thoughts in the pounding hot water. Finally getting out, he dried off and got dressed.

Clark was unpacking what looked like an obscene amount of Chinese food on the kitchen table and Lex's stomach growled loud enough to get his friend's attention. Chuckling, Clark asked, "Hungry, Lex?"

"Apparently," Lex answered, dry.

Dinner was silent, but comfortable, and they ate with enthusiasm. Lex relished just being with Clark. He'd forgotten that the other man was naturally quiet, though how, he didn't know. Words were only Clark's best friend on the written page. When he spoke, it was with deliberation, making sure that they weren't used as weapons, unlike Lex. Words had always rolled off his tongue without much thought, unerringly finding weakness if there was any.

When only ruins were left of the containers, Lex helped Clark clear everything away before following him into the living room. He sat on the faded couch and faced Clark, who took the other side of it, pulling his legs up cross-legged to face him.

"So."

"So."

Lex smiled and said, "I bet you're wondering why I tried to kill myself."

A shiver seemed to run through Clark at his casual words, but the man nodded.

For a long time, Lex didn't continue, just thought about it, trying to figure out how to convey the magnitude of everything he'd been feeling and thinking. It seemed almost trite now, like he'd been some kind of drama queen looking for an Oscar. But it wasn't trite, not at all. He could still see that distorted reflection of himself in the window, seeing himself and realizing that he was exactly what he'd never wanted to be.

Finally, Lex said, "I don't think that I can redeem myself or my actions. I certainly can't ask for forgiveness from those I've hurt over the last decade. The best way to atone would be to grant them all their fondest wish; my death."

Jaw flexing, Clark replied slowly, "Not everyone wants you dead, Lex."

"A lot do, though."

"A lot do," Clark agreed. "But you've never given in to popular opinion before, why start now?"

Lex snorted. "It wasn't popular opinion I was concerned with, Clark."

"Did you really think I didn't still care, Lex?"

Swallowing, all humor evaporating, Lex looked away from the earnest green eyes, nodding dumbly.

"Then I'm sorry."

Astounded, Lex's eyes snapped back to Clark at the pained whisper. "Clark, you've got nothing to be sorry for. This is all my fault. If I hadn't abandoned you and your family to Lionel's tender mercies all those years ago…"

"Stop right there."

Lex stopped, but only because Clark had grabbed his leg. He blinked at the other man in surprise and Clark immediately let go.

"What happened back then is not your fault," Clark stated. "You are not responsible for Lionel's actions, what Chloe did, how we all reacted to each other and what was going on."

"But if I'd been there for you, things would have turned out differently. For all of us."

"Maybe. Maybe not. I'd, I'd like to think so, but we'll never know and there's no good in crying over spilt milk," Clark finished firmly.

He sounded so much like his father, that it surprised a laugh out of Lex. Clark might be adopted, but there was no mistake in who'd raised him, homilies and all. "How is your father these days, anyhow?"

Clark grinned and answered, "Fine. I'll be sure and tell him that you asked after him."

"Only if you want to be in the dog house."

Lips pursed, Clark shook his head. "Things aren't always what they seem, Lex. My Mom, she misses you every day and asks about you whenever we talk. My Dad, well, he was real disappointed in how things ended between all of us and, um, how you've conducted yourself since then. But Lex, families forgive. That's what they do. All you have to do is reach out and make an effort."

Emotions rose inside at the revelations and Lex struggled to keep them in. Not that he hadn't already broken down in front of Clark, but he'd like to keep it at a minimum if at all possible.

"Of course, there's something that I need to ask your forgiveness for, too."

Frowning, Lex asked, "What?"

Slowly, Clark answered, "I know all of your secrets, Lex, but you don't know mine."

"Clark, don't!" Lex warned sharply. "Don't give me that kind of power over you."

Clark shifted closer and took his hand. "I want to tell you. Have wanted to, since we first met, when you hit me with your car."

Oh God. No, it couldn't be. Feeling numb as everything coalesced in his mind, Lex gasped, "You're Superman!"

Nodding, Clark whispered, "Please don't hate me, Lex, please!"

Hate? Not a chance. There were a hundred emotions swirling through him, but hate wasn't among them. It all made sense now. The way that Superman had been able to anticipate him, how he'd know exactly what weaknesses Lex had, though there weren't many. The number of times that he'd been positive that Clark had been badly hurt in Smallville, only for the boy to come out of everything without a scratch. It all made perfect sense. "Why didn't I see it before?"

"I think, I think there's something about the suit that makes people not see me, or, not the real me anyhow," Clark answered, miserable. "Lois doesn't even know, and she's in love with Superman."

Ouch. That had to hurt. Reining in his errant thoughts, Lex covered Clark's hand with his free one and whispered, "It doesn't matter anymore. What matters is that we're finally being honest with each other."

"Almost."

Oh God. Not another revelation. Lex didn't think he could take it.

"I love you."

Lex's heart surged in his chest, the actual beat stuttering in shock as Clark continued to speak, his words one on top of the other as if afraid he wouldn't be able to get them out.

"I've always loved you, since I pulled you out of the river. I didn't want this distance, never did, wanted to tell you everything, but my parents were afraid, they didn't trust you and I guess back then, I didn't either, not really. But I do now and I don't care anymore, because if you die, I've got nothing and I need you so badly, Lex, so badly."

Grabbing Clark's shirt, he pulled the other man forward and wound up flat on his back before their lips sealed together. His hands locked on Clark's neck, keeping him in place while they devoured each other, tongues dancing and bodies moving together. The sensations were overwhelming, and it wasn't just the physical, though it had been a long time since he'd trusted anyone enough for that. It felt like his heart was going to burst out of his chest, even as tears leaked from his eyes.

He pushed Clark back a little and gasped, "I love you too, Clark, I really do. I'll try to be better, I will be, I swear. However you want me to be, that's what I'll do."

A gentle smile touched Clark's face as he sighed deeply. The kiss this time was soft and fluid, joining them in ways that the first one didn't, cementing the bond between them that had languished for so long. Lex's fingers laced through Clark's thick hair as his mouth opened to the loving assault. His leg fell to the side and he opened himself completely to the love he felt in Clark's mouth and fingertips.

This was what he'd been wanting all this time, needing, and hadn't even realized. If he'd had this over the years, Lex knew that he would be a much better man.

"Oh. My. God."

Clark and Lex froze at Lois' shocked statement. Clark sat back a little and Lex leaned up on his elbows so they could see the woman staring at them from a few feet away.

Clearing his throat, Clark offered weakly, "Uh, hi Lois."

Anger gathered in the fine-boned features and Lois hissed, "Don't you 'hi, Lois' me, Kent! Here I was, worried that you were having a hard time with your suicidal friend and I come here to find you making out with Lex Luthor! What the hell is going on!?"

Before either of them could answer, Lois turned on her heel and stormed out, slamming the door behind her.

Groaning, Clark fell forward the rest of the way onto Lex, his head thumping onto Lex's chest, and complained, "It's just not fair!"

Lex started laughing as he wrapped his arms around Clark's shoulders, kissing the side of his neck. "It wouldn't be our lives if things went smoothly, Clark. Go on after her. I'll be here when you get back."

Meeting Lex's gaze, Clark asked, "Are you sure?"

"I'm sure. She's been a good friend for you. Don't let her turn into another Chloe," Lex cautioned.

Clark sighed at the warning but nodded. Capturing another kiss, he got to his feet and said, "I'll be back as soon as I can."

"I'll be here."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

Lex watched as Clark shoved his bare feet into a pair of sneakers, grabbed his keys and ran out of the apartment. He wasn't going to kid himself that life was going to be a bed of roses, not with the amount of retribution he had yet to give, but at least with Clark around, it would be a life worth living.

END