Outside And In

by Kathryn

Fandom: Smallville

Started and Finished: January 15, 2003

Last Episode Seen Before Writing: Prodigal

Pairing: Lana/

Rating: PG-13

Category: Angst, Drama

Spoilers: None

Summary: She wears the pink as a cover up. A concealer. To conceal the real Lana inside.

Disclaimer: I do not own Lana, or Smallville, or anything but the idea for this fic!

Author's Note: When my friend commented that "You're never grumpy," and I wanted to scream I knew I needed to write this fic to get my feelings out. This is dedicated to my dear Mary, who knows exactly what I'm talking about.

Lana sighs heavily as she locks the Talon. Another day is over. That should be a good thing, but it meant the night was coming. The nights were the worst. Laying in bed, crying herself to sleep, praying for daylight.

"Lana, how are you?" Chloe asks, smiling cheerily.

Lana slips on her fake smile, shuddering slightly at how easily it moved into place. When did the fakeness become so familiar? "I'm great, Chloe." Her mind screams the opposite, but no one ever hears. "Goodnight."

Lana walks to her room, her body on autopilot like it has been so much lately. Her mind just shuts down. As soon as she gets to her room, the real Lana comes out. Her eyes lose their sparkle, becoming empty, and hopeless. She drops her purse on the floor, shrugging out of her clothes, and into her pajamas. She barely has time to crawl beneath the covers before the tears come like they always do.

Lana presses her face into the pillow, muffling her sobs. She fears that she may never stop crying. What's wrong with her? Why does this hurt her so much? Why does she lie?

If someone were to see her crying she had a million excuses thought up to give them. "I miss Whitney." "I miss Nell." "I'm thinking about my parents." They were good lies. Believable lies. But that didn't change the fact that they were lies. All of them. She didn't cry for Whitney, or Nell, or her parents. She really didn't know why she cried.

Everyone expects Lana to be happy, cheerful, always smiling. If they knew what was going on inside. Well, they would never look at her the same.

Outside she wears pink. A very upbeat color. A "Lana-color." Outside she was the epitome of what people though pink was. Bright, smiling.

She wears the pink as a cover up. A concealer. To conceal the real Lana inside. The Lana that wants to cry, scream, and shoot someone all at the same time.

She talks to people and her mind screams the truth. "I'm not okay! Please don't listen! Help me!" But no one knows. No one knows the intense pain she feels. Like her heart's going to rip it's way out of her chest just to escape.

Lana can't stop crying. Her eyes become red and raw from crying herself to sleep. No, that's wrong. She wishes she could cry herself to sleep, but sleep doesn't come. She hears voices whispering to her in the quiet house. The voices like the conflicting devil and angel on the shoulders of the cartoon characters. "Tell them, Lana." "Let them help you." "You don't have to hide it, Lana." "If they knew, they would help." It was those voices that she could handle. The voices that made her courage rise. The voices that made her want to walk into the next room and tell Chloe. Tell Chloe and have Chloe help. She knows Chloe would if she only knew.

But then there are the other voices. The devil voice. These voices drive stakes into her heart. "If they knew, they wouldn't help." "They'd run if you told them." "They'll never look at you the same." These are the voices that send her back into her cocoon. The voices that force her up in the morning, force the smile on her face, and the lies into her mouth.

"Good morning, Lana."

Lana smiles, scared because the fake smile doesn't even bother her anymore. "Hey, Clark."

"How are you?" Pete asks.

"I'm good, Pete. And you?" No, I'm not. Why can't you hear me?!

"You're always so happy, Lana. How do you do it?" Chloe asks.

Lana shrugs, then goes into the bathroom and cries.

~*~END~*~
--Read Chloe's Torch... http://www.geocities.com/chloestorch