Title: Contradiction In Terms

Author: Caroline Corken

Fandom: Stargate SG-1

Pairing: Daniel Jackson/Jack O'Neill

Rating: NC-17

Status: New complete

Archive: Yes please for WWOMB. Anyone else who wants it, just let me know.

Series/Sequel: Third in the Plausible Denial series

Disclaimers: Stargate SG-1, Doctor Daniel Jackson and Colonel Jack O'Neill are © Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Film Corp.

Notes : Third in the Plausible Denial series. With thanks to Louise for all those episodes she sent me (see you at Wolf SG-5!) Thanks as always to jenni for the wonderful beta and for putting up with my apostrophe issues and fixing them :) Probably best to consider this story an AU as things will be taking even more of a tangent later on in the series.

NC-17 rating due to future stories in this series.

Summary: Just because you want something, doesn't necessarily mean you think you should have it.

Warning: This series will contain the death of a major character in the next part as well as m/m interaction later on in the series. If this squicks you, then please read no further.

Contradiction In Terms
by Caroline Corken

Jack sat alone in the house, making a good job of at least not looking like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders.

Sighing, he reached over and turned up the game, wondering for a brief moment why Europe bothered with ice hockey if they weren't willing to spill a little more blood on the ice.

It stopped him thinking about the problem for all of two minutes.

Well. Not really. He couldn't seem to help himself.

He thought back to the mining operation and just what had been running through his head at the time.

Some part of him must have recognised Carter and focused his feelings onto her. Some part that was only interested in protecting himself.

After all, a slight twist of chance. . .placing him here instead of there and things could have gone a whole hell of a lot differently. And so not in a good way. What if he'd woken up next to Daniel, had forged, no, reformed his relationship only this time with out the inhibitions of rank and friendship?

He felt a sudden urge to run, to slip out into the night and push himself to his limits. To fall into the exhaustion that it would bring before he fell into bed, his body too tired to give a damn what his mind had to say.

But he couldn't move. His mind was winning this one. Forcing him to think and accept and maybe, move on?

Yeah, that seemed like some kind of answer. He could just give it some thought instead of ignoring it, then he could put it behind him. Accept it and move on.

He remembered a lot of what happened. He'd woken up that first morning slightly confused yet without the usual hangover that normally went hand in hand with that state of mind. He'd turned and seen Carter, or Thera as she'd been at the time, lying on the bunk across from his and had naturally made a connection. Something inside him recognising her.

It had been a while before he'd started to notice Daniel, or Carlin as he'd been then, and there had been no real reaction to him at all. Just plain indifference that had initially led to irritation in the food line when Carter had been messed with by that Kegan woman. Which hadn't been all that surprising really. His very first meeting with Daniel at the start of the Stargate Project hadn't exactly seen them exchanging friendship bracelets.

Now, looking back on it he realised that it was just his feelings for Carter getting in the way of things again. That woman Daniel had hooked up with had pretty much hated Carter from the moment she'd laid eyes on her. And Carter was definitely more deserving of his loyalty than some stranger, even if he didn't have a clue who Carter was at the time. Or Daniel.

A spike of jealousy hit him. That woman. Daniel had been very close to her, but the workers had been resolved to improve their chances with the Ice Age they had been living through by devoting themselves to their cause. Sex in the mine, while possibly sounding like fun, left them open to the possibility of producing extra mouths to feed that weren't capable of pulling their own weight. But that didn't mean they hadn't been close though and he'd heard the rumours of crude terminations being carried out. Jack had felt a deep ache at the thought of it that he hadn't wanted to examine too closely at the time.

Yet Daniel had ditched Kegan in favour of his team. That had to mean something, right?

"Damn it!"

Jack stood, realising just what he was thinking. He was like some little kid with a schoolyard crush, trying to figure out if the boy he liked, liked him back and Jesus, wasn't he trying to get past this whole `feelings' thing in the first place? Instead he was trying to find some kind of proof that he wasn't exactly alone in the feeling feelings department.

He crossed over to the fridge, going for a soft drink rather than another beer. His policy was that it was all right to drink alone as long as you weren't in a bad mood. That way could only lead to trouble.

He went back to the game, not really watching it as he settled himself back on the couch.

He knew he cared for Daniel. In fact, how was it possible not to care for him? They travelled to different worlds together. Saved each other's lives he didn't know how many number of times, hating the thought of even trying to give a figure like that a proper number. Hell, he owed Daniel just about everything he had right now, including his sanity. Not that he figured that would last much longer the way he was going.

Of course, it wasn't like he could touch Carter the same way he touched Daniel. Carter was a woman and a long-standing respect of both his mother and the air force's strict code of conduct over female personal had limited the amount of friendly touching he could give her. Of course, that had changed slightly since she'd come to know him, but any touching he usually let her initiate. No way did he want to make a friend like Carter uncomfortable around him. She'd saved
his life way too many times for him to want to tick her off. Still, it had gotten to the stage where he didn't even need to think like that any more. Carter knew he wasn't going to try anything with her.

And as for Teal'c? Well, enough said really.

But with Daniel it was easier. They'd shared something neither Sam or Teal'c could understand; that first mission to Abydos.

So many chances taken.

So okay. They'd formed a bond and up until the mission to that damned ice planet he'd been happy enough to let it slide that it was simply friendship and nothing more. Best friends. Amigos.

But once he got his memory back?

All he'd wanted to do was hold him. No rhyme of reason to it, just to simply hold him. Instead, he'd hardly looked at him.

And Daniel had been hurt by it. Usually during some down time after a mission they'd meet up and do lunch or watch a game (Daniel always insisting that if he *had* to watch sport they could at least watch it live rather than on TV) or, God forbid, go to a museum.

This time Jack was ignoring him.

He glanced over to the answering machine, saw the little red light flickering and cursed his no alcohol policy.

Was he really willing to let something so wonderful go? `Jeez Jack, when did you start using the word wonderful in relation to Daniel?'

He sighed. Daniel was as good a friend as anyone could possibly hope for and here he was, screwing that up simply because he was in love with him.

Whoa.

He'd said it. He'd actually said it. Well, okay, he'd actually thought it, but it was still a big deal.

He was in love with Daniel.

His stomach flipped just like that first time he'd jumped out of an aeroplane; just like when he'd asked Sara to marry him; just like that moment he'd seen his son for the first time.

He forced himself to breathe, calmly and slowly until he felt a little better.

Okay. All right. So, he was in love with his best friend. Best friends could do that. Love each other. They'd been in some tight corners. To hell and back, literally. So what if he loved his friend? He could handle it.

Yeah, right he thought to himself, seeing that little red light out of the corner of his eye.

If he was handling it, why was he so intent on ruining it?

What he needed to do, he realised, was to accept the fact that what he was feeling was wrong.

He knew, somehow, that Daniel would be more than capable of loving him back. Would probably accept it with a smile and a blush because that was Daniel. Open to everyone and hopeful of the best in his fellow man. But to tell him, well, that would cause them both problems.

For a start, Daniel might not feel the same way. Oh sure, he could love him as a friend, take any confession as flattery maybe and keep it a secret, but just because Jack was coming to terms with his feelings for Daniel didn't necessary mean Daniel had those kind of feelings for him.

Which, Jack had to admit to himself, would make everything so much easier.

Then there was the bigger problem of having them reciprocated.

Jack wouldn't be able to have Daniel on his team any more, simply because it was very bad policy to place someone in a position of authority, in a position where he would maybe one day have to choose over the life of his lover or his team mates. And to be perfectly honest, Jack wouldn't want to be placed in that position.

Love could be a real bitch.

Then there was the whole idea of sex with another man. Admitting he loved Daniel was one thing, but Jack wasn't yet ready to admit to himself that he'd want to sleep with him. Sure, he knew the basics, but not out of any real desire to actually perform them on someone else.

There was that feeling again, the twist in the stomach that was like being on a roller coaster in complete darkness. Fear and excitement all rolled into one.

`Best not to think about that', he thought to himself. He wasn't ready for that little box of Pandora's just yet.

Basically, when he thought about it, keeping quiet and getting over it was really the only answer. Admitting to it led to one set of problems while acceptance or rejection led to a whole heap of others.

Suddenly he felt as if the weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Keeping quiet really was the best way to go. It was the avoidance of the issue with himself that had led to the hole he was digging for himself. He had been denying his feelings and cutting Daniel out of his life in the hope that that would solve the problem. Which, he could see now, had only made things worse. He was cutting out the best thing in his life right now and not only was it making him miserable, it was making Daniel miserable too.

But now he had a plan; he felt better and knew he was doing the right thing by keeping it to himself and just getting on with the way things had been before.

He'd simply work past these feelings. Get back on track with Daniel and stop cutting him out of his life. Avoidance didn't solve anything.

Feeling a whole lot better, Jack reached over to the phone and dialled Daniel's home number.

"Hey Daniel. I. . .huh? No. No, no. I just had some stuff to sort out. Everything's fine. You want to come over for a beer maybe? "

Yep, everything was going to be better. He could feel it.



The End