Title: Prevailing Outlook

Author/pseudonym: Varsha

Fandom: Stargate SG-1

Paring: Jack/Daniel

Rating: PG-13

Status: new; 15, November, 1999.

Archive: OK

Series/Sequel: no

Other websites: maybe JackDaniels, but not yet

Disclaimers: swearing; implied male/male sex

Summary: What things look like from Jack's perspective.

Warnings: Spoilers for third season episodes, "Forever In A Day", and "Past and Present."

PREVAILING OUTLOOK

By Varsha

I can't hate Daniel for the way he's acting. Sometimes I wish I could, but all I do every day is ache to see him smile again. So I don't know why I keep thinking things would be better if I drove him away, or if I left, then again, if I did that I would never be able see him happy, and I would never be the cause that generated that cute crooked smile from him.

Sometimes -- in the middle of the night -- when I can't get back to sleep, I try to figure out where it was we went wrong, and how and why things have turned so sour. I know that when Sha're died something happened to him. Something he hasn't tried to explain. It's like something inside of him, just broke. I realize I'm not describing this very well, but I don't just mean he was just grieving. I know all about the steps and stages we all go through; I've been there, done that. And, yeah, I know it's different for everyone, takes different amounts of time for each of us... But there's still something else that has changed, and I don't know what. He won't talk to me. And I've tried pushing forward everyone that I know who's close to Daniel, hoping to get him to talk. I know, I know; he'll talk when he's ready, but...

And it hasn't been any help at all, that the first time we had sex -- we'd been drunk and it had been the first time I'd had enough courage to make an advance of any kind -- the only time we slept with each other, we didn't have time to talk about it the next morning -- thinking we could leave it until tomorrow, at least I did anyway -- and then we were caught up in trying to rescue the Abydonians. And Sha're died.

At first, I thought Daniel was acting this way towards me because he felt guilty. Talk about your bad timing... sex with a man the night before your wife was killed... But, now I'm not sure if he even remembers what happened between us that night. Or he just doesn't want to remember. There is no way in hell that I'm bringing it up again after what happened the last time I tried. He just stared at me the same way he had stared at me when he thought I'd insulted him on Vias. And something inside of me just shrank. I can't do it. I'm just not that strong.

I don't know where he's coming from anymore. I don't have a clue to what he's thinking while hiding behind that stoic expression he's adopted. And it's not just me. I find myself, more and more, exchanging glances of confusion and disbelief with Carter and Teal'c at some of the crazy things he says and does.

And then we went to P3X071 and found Kyra, or Linea, or who ever the hell she was pretending to be. How could he fall for someone like that I'll never know, not matter how smart she was.

He looks older, despondent, tired, and unhappy.

Daniel keeps giving me these strange looks, like he resents me keeping an eye on him. Maybe he does, I don't know... He never did before. I'm going nuts here trying to decide what I should do. He's just become too damned important to me. It didn't do any good, when I confronted him about Kyra, he basically told me to mind my own business. He's just not listening to what I'm saying, and he's deliberately not hearing what I'm not saying, and it hurts. And I miss him. Since that last time, we haven't even shared a beer, a moment, or a smile.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

I've made up my mind, I'm going to corner him in his office toward the end of the day. Late enough in the afternoon so he doesn't have the excuse to go to lunch, and early enough that he won't be packed up and already running out the door.

I stood watching from the doorway for a minute before he noticed me. "Daniel." Actually I don't think he noticed me at all until I spoke.

"Jack." He tossed a quick glance my way, and went back to his paperwork.

Well, it could be worse, at least he hasn't taken to calling me 'O'Neill.' I wandered over there trying to see what he was working on. "So... what ya up to?"

"Um, I'm just working on completing reports; I never seem to have time to make them as complete as I'd like."

"Um-hum."

"Maybe you should try it sometime."

"Oh come now, all my reports are complete."

Daniel finally looked at me instead of the report. "I'm not sure that, 'We arrived on P3X779. Major Carter took samples, Dr. Jackson picked up some artifacts, Teal'c identified the indigenous race, and the grass was green,' counts as a full and complete report."

"So? Come on, I only did that once."

"Uh-huh." Daniel stared at me for a few seconds, pushed up his glasses, and then asked, "What is it you really want, Jack?"

I gestured to the empty chair. "May I?"

He returned the gesture even politer. "Help yourself."

I sat, but now that I was here, I didn't know how to say, what I wanted to say. Or ask, what I wanted to ask... "Are you all right?"

"Sure."

"No, I mean... You've had a lot of things happen just recently. A lot of changes..." He just kept starring at me with that wide-eyed uncomprehending look. He was going to make me spell it out. "Daniel, do you remember what happened... between us, I mean."

"Jack, I think we should just forget about that."

"What if I don't want to?"

"Yeah, well, maybe I do..." He was looking everywhere but at me when he said that; at least he hadn't blushed.

"Do you? Why?" I can't read him at all; I have to ask.

"Jack... I thought..." He paused to clear his throat. "I think we should just leave it alone." Now he was looking right at me, hoping to make his point, hoping I wasn't going to force the issue.

But I couldn't just let it drop. I can't let it go. Not even if it makes things easier for him.

"I can't."

"Yes Jack, you can. And I'm asking you not to push me about this."

"Do you feel guilty? Is that it?"

"You don't have any right to ask me that. Who do you think you are? It was a mistake, Jack. Just a mistake. We were drunk. And while we're on the subject, I just want to make sure you understand that you're not my keeper. I don't need one; and I'll do whatever the hell I want to, when I want to, and you have no right to tell me anything different."

This was so much worse than I expected. Much much worse. I stood up. Trying to force ice into my tone, doing my best to hide the burning pain of failure from him, I said, "I didn't realize I had been 'telling' you what to do about your personal life. All right then, if that's the way you feel... I won't bother you anymore." I stood and started towards the door, but stopped when I realized I didn't have a chance to get my point across; I turned back more worried and scared of losing him then ever before. "I don't know how, but somewhere along the line, I'd gotten the impression we were friends. I guess I was wrong."

"Don't play the martyr with me Jack. I know you. It couldn't have been that big of a deal; you haven't even mentioned it until now."

I couldn't even begin to explain the unfairness of that statement. "So, no matter what I say, you're not going to believe me?" And when he didn't say anything, I added, "You know, I've never lied to you Danny." I waited for him to acknowledge that fact.

So when he didn't, I left.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

I'd never been any good at hiding what I'm thinking especially from Daniel and the rest of SG-1. I guess I'm going to have to take a crash course in concealment, covering up how much I care about him, making sure no one -- and I do mean no one -- notices. Maybe it won't be that hard; he doesn't want to know, or have anything to do with me, so he won't see it even if I waved a huge bouquet of roses right in front of his face.

I think drinking might help. All anyone will see is a tired old man who has seen too much death, and might be getting ready to retire. That might not be such an awful thing to consider. Yeah, that's what I have to do, consider retiring.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

For weeks now I've been spending all my free time alone. Not that I've had much of it anyway as I'd been pulling extra duty, working out, and I'd even volunteered to teach a class on knife throwing just to keep myself from thinking too much. Well, thinking at all right now just made my head ache; and having so much to do, even if it hasn't kept my head from aching, has at least kept me from turning into a drunk.

I'd been dealing with things, life, the universe, and everything rather well I thought, and had just begun to consider that I might try talking to Daniel about things, life, the universe, and everything one more time, when he came to see me.

I'd just shut my locker door and was heading for the showers when Daniel charged into the locker room.

"That's enough!" he shouted at me, grabbed my arm, and yanked me back around. Whipping me about he almost slammed me full length into the lockers, if I hadn't had the presence of mind to dig in my heals he would have.

"Shit." Holding the ground I gained, I pulled out of his grip, and gifted him with my best disgusted look. God knows I'm fed up enough with his attitude. "Now what the hell are you talking about?"

"I am sick of you watching every more I make. And I am sick of your jealousy."

"Are you out of your mind? If you don't stop acting like a lunatic, I'm going to recommend you get another psych evaluation."

That was the wrong thing to say. The absolutely worst thing I could have come up with. I'm a dope. An idiot. How could I've forgotten?

He blanched, all color draining from his face as he stared at me. I wasn't sure if he'd turned white from anger or fear, but he looked sick. His eyes were unfocused, and impossibly large and dark even behind his glasses.

I can't believe I'd fuck'n forgot. "Danny," I tried to soften my voice, pleading with him to understand that I hadn't mean it. "Danny..." Not that there is anything I could say to make it up, but I had to try... This time I grabbed his arm and pulled him back, making him look at me again. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it." I'm practically shouting at him; hell, I want to take him into my arms and hold him until he says he understands... But that would only make things worse. "Shit. You do believe me don't you? I swear to you I won't do any such thing."

In a calm, cool, almost remote voice he said, "Let go of me Jack."

I let go of his shoulders, which I hadn't even been aware I'd been gripping hard enough to bruise. I tried to match his detachment and failed miserably. "Tell me you believe me." Please...

"I don't know what to believe anymore," he said sadly, and walked out.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

I always manage to fuck up everything. Reaching for the whisky bottle, I check its level. Hummm, it seems that it's much lower than it should be, but right now I don't really remember how much was in it when I'd started. What the hell am I going to do? I'm not sure I can keep working with Daniel pretending I don't care. Pretending I don't mind him placing himself into danger, or pretending that I don't mind that he's cutting himself off from all his friends, and all his support; pretending that I don't mind at all that he's cut himself off -- completely, totally, forever -- from me...

Huh. It's dark out. Well it's dark in here, so it must be dark out there... I wonder what time it is? Did I miss dinner? Again? Yeah I probably did. It don't matter... my whole life's just one big fuck'n mess. After all what's one missed dinner in the scheme of things anyway?

Someone was knocking, or was it banging? What ever the hell it was, it was too loud. I think it's the door. I don't want to get up to see if someone is there, but if there was someone there, they don't seem incline to stop, or go away.

So, I take the bottle with me when I go to answer it.

It's Sam. Oh-boy, the look she's giving would strip paint off a wall. Maybe that was not such a bad thing to be able to do...

"Come on in... have a drink."

I head back to the couch, leaving her to shut the door and follow -- if she feel's she really has to.

"Sir."

"Sit. Wan'na drink?" I did.

She sat. "No thank you. Colonel."

"So what brings you out on a night like this?" That's good, not enough left to share...

"I think you need someone to talk to."

Well, I really couldn't debate that. But it was Daniel I wanted to talk to. If he'd only listen. I took another swig from the bottle. "Sure."

"I know you're having a hard time..."

"Yeah? Daniel's the one who's having the hard time. He's the one who's lost his wife."

"I know." She shifted about in the chair. It must be the uncomfortable one of the pair. I'll have to get rid of it. "Colonel, can I ask why you're sitting here, in the dark?"

I shrug. "I don't know. Does it matter?"

"I know you're having trouble with Daniel. And I know there doesn't seem to be anything we can do for him..."

"He doesn't want to talk to me anymore..."

"I'm here, if you need to talk about it."

I find myself staring at the floor so I transfer my gaze to her instead. She looked a bit fuzzy. Soft. "He won't talk to you either, will he?"

"No, sir."

"I don't know if I should say anything..." Can't see it will do much good, but... "But, I kept on telling him to talk to someone and he wouldn't do it. Won't do it. So, I guess I should." Am I making any sense? I take another drink.

"I'm worried about you."

"Don't worry, Carter. I always fuck up my life. It's nothing new."

She just waited for me to continue; or maybe she just had no idea what to say. What would I say if someone had just said that to me?

Why not tell her? It can't possibly make things worse. "I think he hates me now. He so angry, about everything; he doesn't want me to watch him. He thinks I'm jealous. I don't know if he still does... think so, I mean.. it was Linea he accused me of being jealous of and --"

"But, jealous, of what?"

"That's just it. Carter. I am. Sometimes, I am. And all I've ever had was his friendship, and one night... one lousy wonderful unforgettable night... And then Sha're died and he felt guilty, like he betrayed her -- at least that's what I thought -- but when I tried to tell him how I felt..." I shook my head sadly. "He wasn't having any of it. He didn't believe it. He thought I lied." Yeah, that's what happened. "Now I don't even have that..."

Pathetic that's what I am.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry."

"Don't be. 'S it's not your fault. I can't help it if I always fall for the wrong person. I have this knack..."

Somehow Carter was on the couch next to me. And she'd taken the bottle away, and had put somewhere I couldn't see. I could order her to give it back... but, no, I can't. Not here.

"Jack," she said.

She never calls me Jack. It mustn't really be Carter.

"I'm so sorry."

"You said that." I was wrong, it didn't feel any better because I'd told her. "You just forget I ever said anything, about, whatever..." I tried to soothe her by patting her on the arm. I was wrong. Again. But that wasn't anything new.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Things got a bit better in the following weeks. Daniel seemed to take my efforts at ignoring the things he deliberately flaunted in my face, as a sign that I had given up on ever returning our friendship to the previous level. I hadn't. Given up that is. Well, not completely, I've just put the idea aside for a while; it's certainly made me better able to hide my feelings. Although, I still have a hard time looking him right in the eye. But it doesn't seem matter; he hardly even glances at me anymore so he wouldn't have noticed.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

When I woke the first thing I become aware of -- even before the splitting headache -- was that I was blind. "Carter?" I reached out and touched someone warily; I didn't want a repeat of what happened last time I grabbed Carter when we'd been blinded. She'd bitten me. Hard.

"Here, sir." She reached out, helped me to my feet, and steadied me until I had my back against the wall. I felt much better with the wall at my back, less helpless.

"Everyone, OK? Teal'c?" Danny? I didn't want to upset him by asking, but damn it I couldn't help worrying about him.

"Yes, sir, we're all fine."

"OK, everyone, backs against the wall until this passes."

"Ah, sir..."

"What Major Carter is attempting in to tell you, O'Neill, is that this time you are the only one effected by the grenade's detonation."

Oh shit. "So, I'm the only one who's blind?"

"Jack..." Daniel was there by my shoulder. I had missed him coming up. I jerked away from the sound of his voice before he could do something stupid like touch me. And crashed into Teal'c instead.

Teal'c steadied me, and I was too afraid of being in the dark alone, so I let him hang on.

"You were the only one who did not have sufficient warning of the blast. We all managed to find cover."

"Yeah. Well, is it safe to wait here until it wears off?" Here being P8X595 and the last I'd remembered we were inside a supposedly deserted complex that had contained the Stargate to this planet.

"It is safe."

"Colonel, we surprised what seemed like garrison stationed here by Sokar. Maybe to keep on eye on who come through the gate.

"If that's the case, they didn't do a very good job now did they?" I wanted to laugh.

"Sir?"

"What is it, Carter?"

"I think we should go back now."

"Why?"

"The effects of the grenade should have worn off by now. I'm sorry."

"How long have I been out?" Hadn't worn off? Fuck.

"About a hour." It was Daniel who'd answered. He hadn't moved off and was still standing much too close for comfort.

"Fine. Let's go." I changed my grip so I was holding on to Teal'c's elbow. That was all the dignity I could afford right now. And I sure as hell didn't want Daniel touching me. I don't think I could take it if he touched me; I'd shatter into a million pieces.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

I wanted to go to the debriefing with the rest of my team, but Doctor Fraiser wouldn't hear of it. And the general had backed her up. So I'm stuck in the infirmary while she does every test she could think of -- what seemed to me to be somewhere in the vicinity of hundred different tests -- on my eyes, my brain, and on the all rest of me that, try as I might, I couldn't come up with any reason why they would have any bearing on my sight.

My sight. That was all I could think of. What if this time I didn't get it back at all? I've spent the last hour trying not to think about what it would mean. It would be the end of my career in the military and at the SGC, and not having the job there wouldn't be any more excuses I could use to see Daniel. At this point it was a tossup which I'd miss the most, just seeing him or just seeing.

I heard a noise. Shit, how I hate lying here helpless, not even being able tell who is in the same goddamned room with me. "Who is it?" I know I practically shouted the question into the stillness of the infirmary, but I just couldn't help it.

"Jack, it's me."

Daniel. Shit. I roll on to my side and away from the sound of his voice. He was the last person I wanted to see right now. Yeah, see. "Go away."

Of course he didn't, but the viciousness in which I'd told him to go made him pause. That's my Daniel.

"I need to talk to you."

"Yeah, well, it always comes down to what you need doesn't it?"

He pulled up a chair and sat down behind me. Is there nothing I can say that will drive him away?

"I suppose I deserve that."

"I don't want to get into this now." Go away.

Some of my discomfort seemed to get through to him because he told me, "There's no one else here."

I hate the idea that he can see everything I'm feeling -- I'm sure like I can't hide from him while I'm like this -- and I can't tell from just the sound of his voice what the hell is going on in the convoluted mind of his. I know I'm holding myself tightly coiled as if I'm readying myself for a blow. I wish I could bury my face in the pillow and hide.

"Jack... I just wanted to say I'm sorry."

"It's not anything to do with you."

"I'm not talking about your sight; I'm telling you I'm sorry for the way I've been acting."

"Sure." Go away. Go away now.

"So, you forgive me?"

"Yeah." Of course I'd forgive him. I'd forgive him anything. Daniel at his most earnest was impossible to resist. But, I didn't want him doing it for the wrong reason. I didn't want his pity. I wanted him to go away.

"Jack, please..."

I can't stand it, that he would plead with me. "Look, I'm sorry that you've been yanked out of the life you should have had. I'm sorry that you have had to see so much death; I just wanted to make things easier, that's all."

"What are you saying? That's it's too late?"

Too late for what? I didn't want to know. Not now. I didn't want to hope. "Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Now can I get some sleep, please?"

There was a silence so still that I wasn't sure he still breathed, let alone moved. Then a hand gave my shoulder a brief squeeze, and a chair scrapped across the floor. "All right. I'll come back later."

I wanted to tell him not to bother, but I couldn't. So, I didn't say a thing. I listened to his footsteps as they echoed down the hall. Long minutes past and I was still awake. I hated being in the dark, alone.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

The good new is that there doesn't seem to be any permanent damage to my eyes. The bad news is that they have no idea when I'll regain my sight. The best Doctor Fraiser could tell me was twenty-four to forty-eight hours. If I could do something to occupy my mind the waiting wouldn't be so bad, but I can't read, and I can't watch TV or a film, so that leaves the radio or my own thoughts which I've been trying to avoid at all costs.

Carter volunteered to come in and read the newspaper to me. I let her. Teal'c came and told some of the old warrior stories about the Asgard. Daniel hadn't come back. Not that I really expected him too. I think I got across the idea I don't want his sympathy.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Now I know it's sometime in the middle of the night. I can tell because things had gotten even quieter, if that were possible. But I wished I knew what time it was. Not that it matters, it's just the idea that I can't find out that bugs me.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

He must have come in while I been dozing. I knew he was there without him having to saying anything; maybe I'm getting used to this blind thing.

And somehow he's aware that I'm awake, because he asked quietly, "So, tell me Jack, what is it you need?"

I need you. "Danny..."

I heard the soft gasp of an indrawn breath.

"What?" I ask him.

"I never thought to hear you call me that again."

"Too personal. Do you want me to stop?"

"No. No, not at all. I missed it."

Now my heart was foolishly encouraged. It wouldn't calm down when I ordered it to. I didn't want to start hoping again, but it seemed I didn't have a real choice in the matter.

"And I've missed our closeness."

My eyes were playing tricks. I was sure I could see him; his head bowed, soft hair sticking up and falling in his eyes, elbows resting on the bed, all in the fuzzy-gray light of the room as he tried to say what was on his mind without setting me off again.

"I missed you." He looked up; his eyes locking with mine, pleading for me to understand why he had acted the way he'd had.

I could see it. I was so sure it was real that I reached out a hand to smooth down his hair. And then his eyes widened with shock and he clutched at my hand.

"You can see!"

"Yeah, I think so. Everything's still fuzzy, but..."

The next thing I knew, I was blanketed by a powerful male body who had practically jumped on me and was now raining sloppy wet kisses all over my face until he found my lips and distracted he stayed there sucking, exploring, coaxing me to respond.

He tasted so good that I was happy to do my part to keep him there, hanging on tight as he squirmed over me and kissing him back with everything I had. If this was the way he'd always choose to apologize, I'll might be looking forward to our next fight.

"Easy, Danny," I said, more to calm myself than him. He'd released my mouth but still remained attached to me like a leach.

He was whispering my name over and over. He's gone over the edge, and I knew right now was not the time to follow him, as much as I wanted too.

"Shush..." I just held him and stroked down his arm, his back, anywhere I could reach.

When he was calm enough I urged his head up so I could see, something of his face. "Danny, this is not a good time for this."

"I know, but I'm just so glad you're all right. I don't want to waste anymore time... I had to tell you... Jack, I've been so worried..."

"Tomorrow. We'll talk it out tomorrow."

"Then you'll tell me what it is you want?" He pushed himself up on his arms, staring down at me, wanting some sort of reassurance I wasn't sure I could give him. How can we make this work?

"If you tell me what *you* need, then it's a deal."

"Thanks Jack."

I gave him a bit of a push to remind him of where we were, and he got off the bed.

But he didn't go far. Still leaning over me, he said, "I don't know if I can wait that long."

"You have to. We have to. You know they won't let me out of here without doing all the regulation checks."

"Yeah. OK. Tomorrow."

He started to leave but I was still having a hard time believing this was real and not something I was dreaming. So I called him back. "Danny..."

"Jack?"

Now I think I've got him worried, and that hadn't been my intention at all. "Tomorrow." I tried to reassure him as best I could without the words.

He gave me a small knowing grin, and a nod, then he left.

I swore to myself that I wasn't going to press him. Already he was offering me more than I expected, more than I had dared to hope for just yesterday. Maybe we can salvage something out the mess that has become of our lives. Yeah, maybe.

Varsha
1999