Title: Sealing the Box

Show: Stargate SG-1

Author: Castalie

Feedback: definitely appreciated <g>

Rating: NC-17 for the same disturbing content as the previous story, just to be cautious.

Pairings: Jack/Daniel

Status: Companion piece to "The Long Sleeved Shirt".

Sealing the Box
by Castalie

I realized I had said something wrong the second I finished saying it. It took me a moment to figure out what, it was such an unassuming thing.

"Hey, Danny, maybe you should pull down your sleeves. You don't want the DiLucas to think we decided to go natural, and the scratches on your arms are the result of us playing outside."

I knew it would make him laugh, it always did. And one of my reasons for a living was to make my lover laugh. Of course...I also liked saving the planet, or the whole galaxy, like any other man, but making my spacemonkey smile, or even better, *laugh*, felt sometimes so much more gratifying. Don't ask me why-- in the months we've been together, I've been told regularly by an irritating and gorgeous know-it-all archeologist, that I was just an old sap. Maybe it was true, Sara had often told me so. It wasn't such a bad thing, either. Danny and I saw death and destruction on a regular basis off world. I refused to bring home the horror or the harshness of what we were subjected to so often. Daniel deserved better. Hell, *I* deserved better, we all did.

Daniel's reaction to my little joke was anything but amused, though.

It didn't last long. It was just a second. He froze, his pupils dilated suddenly, then everything was back to normal. He followed me into the house, and quietly closed the door, as if nothing had happened, as if what I'd just said hadn't hurt him. I noticed his hands were shaking, but then again, they stopped almost immediately. That was Daniel for you. If you didn't pay attention, if you didn't care enough, you would miss them. Those tiny signals that meant he was hurting deep inside. But *I* paid attention, *I* cared enough. I loved him, it was as simple and as complicated as that, and 'Daniel watching' was one of my favorite pastimes. That and burying myself deep inside him...or watching some old movie with him, both sprawled on the couch, or arguing over whose turn it was to cook ...For crying out loud, I really *was* just an old sap!

Well, I didn't care. We could both die during the next mission, I could lose him every time we passed the threshold of the stargate. The important thing in life was to choose your priorities. My priority was Daniel. I didn't think it was so surprising. Any who was in love with another knew
what I was talking about. They didn't have to travel across the galaxy to fight against unspeakable dangers, but even if they didn't...that wasn't important either. Leaving the house and forgetting to kiss your loved ones goodbye, and not caring that you forgot, was actually a mistake. You never
knew what could happened. You could be run over by a car while going to the supermarket, hell you could be hit by a bullet on your way to work... You could also come home to a silent house... You could lose your child to an unhealthy curiosity. I learned the hard way that you should never take anything for granted.

I'd made that mistake with my son...I would not repeat it with Daniel. I watched him...I listened to him, I cared for him. I knew him by heart. Or so I liked to think. Don't think Danny didn't do the same thing for me, because he did. He was one tough bastard to put up with me, and I loved
him so much for that.

So that's why I didn't miss the signs, I didn't miss the sudden opening of one of his damn boxes. The ones where he tried to hide all the disgusting things he had been forced to live through in his past-in his childhood to be precise. I didn't miss his silent call for help either.

I took off my jacket, then his. I stared at him, and I felt my heart go cold for a second. I knew that look. I hated it, for it meant only one thing. He was being overwhelmed by his memories. It happened sometimes. The things he rememberd....I had trouble even voicing them myself. I could
tell he'd already retreated deep in his mind, to that dark place he sometimes went when things were too difficult for him. It was a little frightening, it felt as if he was being swallowed by his memories, and I had to hold him tight to bring him back to me.

It didn't matter, though, how hard it was, I had to do it. I didn't intend on letting go of him, ever.

I took him by the hand and led him to the couch. I made him sit, and sat in turn, beside him. I cupped his cheek, and turned his face toward mine, but he wasn't seeing me anymore.

I knew the signs. I also knew that for the time being, he would only be able to feel my touch. He might have been unable to see me, but he could still feel, and I intended on giving all the physical contact he wanted.

First, I kissed him. I was careful to keep the kiss light and non-threatening. I knew what kind of memories he was reliving right now, and I never wanted him to assimilate me to the bastard who hurt him, even if Daniel would do it unconsciously in the state he was in. I wouldn't be able to stand it. I knew that those chaste and light touches helped him ground himself. He would feel lost for awhile, but my touch would bring him back. It always did... *I* always did.

When I felt his body slightly relax under my kiss, I softly pulled him to me while I stretched over the couch. My head was comfortably resting against a cushion, and I could focus on my lover. I made him lay over me, I cuddled him close, keeping him against me, his head nestled on my shoulder. Then, I surrounded him with my arms, keeping him safe in the only haven I could create right now. I could only hope it wouldn't last too long this time.

I was ready to hold him as long as he needed to, though.

These lapses of his always frightened me. They didn't happen often, and so far never *ever* happened during a mission, which was the reason why I'd agreed to keep them a secret. Daniel almost *begged* me not to tell Janet that night. He didn't understand that I didn't want to betray him, but I thought it was too serious to dismiss. He'd been so sure of himself, as usual. He'd been living with the memories *and* the reaction all his life. He could deal with it, he *could* control it.

The sad truth was, he *did* deal with it, he *did* control it. He had such long time practice. I tried to tell him I wasn't a stranger to PTSD myself and Janet was aware of it, but he didn't budge from his position. The only compromise I succeeded in getting from him was that if, one day, he felt a flashback sneak up on him during a mission, he wouldn't try to hide it, and would *immediately* tell me. Then, we would go and see Janet. Daniel understood what I was talking about, he knew perfectly well the danger we had to face. There was absolutely no chance he was willing to put anyone in a dangerous situation. He promised of course, even glaring at me for
daring to think he would compromise the safety of the team like that. Begging one moment, glaring the other. My lover was nothing if not mercurial, but I accepted and loved all of him.

I felt him shudder. I started to stroke his back, careful again not to touch his ass. I ran my hand along his spine in a soothing motion. Maybe I was trying to calm myself. Daniel needed me to be strong for him. Inside, I was afraid-afraid for him, and angry, too. Angry at everything that had
happened to him, angry at Nick for abandoning a lost and hurting little boy, for letting him be fostered by a monster who hid behind a caring and loving father persona. I was...furious, I was enraged at him. I couldn't understand how someone could do such a thing to another..and I just
couldn't accept that someone would do it to a child... I felt like killing someone, and like throwing up at the same time. It was just too ugly. Even * I* couldn't face the idea of my lover being the victim of such an unspeakable act.

I hated someone I hadn't ever seen, and would never see. I could only face the result of his abuse, I could only love as much as I could the adult Daniel had become, and try to heal the damaged little boy who was still hidden deep inside him. Oh, Daniel was strong, he was certainly one of the strongest men I'd ever known, maybe even the strongest. You couldn't be weak when you'd lived through hell, and survived to tell the tale. You couldn't be weak when, after facing such ugliness, you still managed to keep your soul intact. I often thought it was a miracle. We heard so much about men and women who turned into the same type of abusive animals as the ones that had abused them, becoming the same kind of monsters. But Daniel didn't. Daniel fought back, and he was still fighting. He just needed help, now and then. And it was fine with me. I was there for the duration.

Suddenly, I felt him shake violently. I could hear him murmuring. It sounded like he was repeating something. I listened for a moment, and finally was able to decipher the word. 'Never'. He was saying 'never' over and over again. And he was clearly getting upset, even more than
before.

I started calling him. I felt he was ready to hear me now. I called him back to me, while kissing him softly, on the cheek, on his temple. I showered his face with tiny kisses. I loved the scent of him, the feel of him. I did it again, and again. I was still running my hand over his spine, but I chose to add more stimulation by stroking his hair, too.

I called his name, over and over again, and I knew I was reaching him. I could feel it. He was coming back to me. I felt him relax even more, almost getting limp. Then he looked up, and I knew he was *seeing* me. He still wasn't totally focused, but at least he was looking at *me*, and not at some ghost from his past.

I smiled at him. He looked so sweet like that. I could tell his amazing brain was still resting, maybe even hiding from the difficult images he'd just gone through. Daniel looked a little off...but I wasn't worried. It wouldn't last long. He needed to wind down, sorta. He would soon be back to his brilliant and incredibly smart self, annoying the shit out of me, and I would love every second of it.

For now, he needed peace and quiet. He needed to find his way back, to find himself, and to find *me* again. "It's okay, baby. You're alright. You're safe." I showered his face with kisses again. I couldn't help it. It was almost like a reflex action to me. I also knew it would help him anchor himself once and for all.

I stared at him. His eyes was almost back to normal, they were seeing the present, with no shadow in them anymore. I encouraged him a little more.. "That's my Danny. You're back, aren't you? Yeah, you're back." I stopped and waited a little, to give him the time to appreciate the end of the remembered nightmare. Then, when I felt he was ready, I asked him, "Can you tell me what that was about?"

He nodded softly. What he told me wasn't exactly what I've been expecting, though, but the look on his face made me think it wasn't what he had thought about saying either.

"I don't need long sleeved shirts, Jack, not anymore. Never again," he said softly.

I knew even though the comment seemed a little childish, they meant much more to him. I could hear all the unsaid words hidden behind it... I could also see the unwanted touch hidden there as well. You didn't need to be a genius to understand the reason why those long sleeved shirts seemed so important to him. I nodded to him, and kissed him again.."No more of those, Danny. Never. I promise." I hoped he understood what I was telling him, too.

He seemed to understand. He smiled at me, this sweet smile of his, the one I was the only witness to. And I knew he felt loved and safe. I liked to think I made things better for him, that I helped him, that I was always there for him. But maybe it was wishful thinking. Then again, the important thing was that I always *tried* to make him happy...to make him forget all the ugliness of his life.

My best fantasy was to find each and every box he'd hidden deep in his mind, and to destroy them.

I didn't know if it was possible. I hoped so.

What I could do though, without any doubt, was to be there when one of them opened...and to seal it for him. I would be there, always. I wasn't afraid of sealing those boxes for the rest of my life, if I needed to do it. I just knew they wouldn't win over us. I wouldn't let them...*we* wouldn't let them.

Fin