Title: Realization 2

Author: Sara

Email: savap@cableinet.co.uk

Catagory: A bit of Jack angst

Status: Complete

Spoilers: Little ones for the 'Stargate Movie', 'Children Of The Gods', 'The Serpents Lair' and 'Shades of Grey'

Summary: Jack's thoughts as Daniel leaves his house in Shades of Grey'. Companion piece to Realisation.

Disclaimer: I don't own them, wish I did though, especially Jack.

Notes: This has not been betaed so I apologise for the spelling or grammar mistakes.

Note 2: I didn't intend to write a companion piece to Realisation but after reading the feedback from Chance this popped into my head. Hope you like it.

I’ve hurt him.

I could see it in his eyes as I told him that our friendship wasn’t worth a thing.

I’ve hurt him.

I watch as he gets up to leave, arrogantly drinking my beer trying to appear oblivious to how much pain he is feeling. Pain I’ve caused and I hate myself for deceiving one of the most important people in my life, my best friend. When we met I was on a downward spiral to self-destruction. I hated life and most of all I hated me. I had been an assassin, a killer for Uncle Sam, doing unpleasant things for unpleasant people but I had some light in my life, Sara and Charlie, my family. They were my normality, something to cling to in my darkest hour, when the nightmares of the horrors I’d seen and done came back to haunt me. Then they were gone, both by my own carelessness and stupidity. No parent should outlive his child. I feel the sting of tears forming in my eyes and I think of Charlie, his smile his laughter and then I think of Daniel Jackson and feel the guilt of destroying his trust in me. In some ways Daniel is a child himself. The way his eyes light up like a kid in a candy store when he makes some new discovery, the way he tries so hard to please the adults around him, myself included. I never realised that my opinion was so important to him. His innocence at how low some people will go to get what they want. People like me I think bitterly.

I’ve hurt him.

The door closes behind him and I stay in my seat thinking of the first mission to Abydos and how Daniel gave me back so much. Life had been so cruel to him, from taking his parents when he was young to having to face ridicule from his peers in his chosen profession but still he persevered and saw the good in people and the world in general. Personally I would have shot them but that’s the Black Ops part of me talking. Forever the optimist, that’s Daniel, even when faced with arrogant military bastards like me. He made me see that life can go on, the pieces can be picked up and, even though they don’t fit back together quite like they used to, things will get better. On many occasions he has humbled me and made me feel guilty for doubting his abilities and treating him like a geek. He showed me that he may be an academic but he isn’t frightened to fight for what he believes in. An irony really a scientist showing a soldier what’s worth fighting for. I was so proud of him when he stood up to Apophis, tears in his eyes offering himself so that he could be with Sha’re and then a couple of years later on Apophis’ ship preparing to die so that we could get away.

I’ve hurt him.

I think of his slumped shoulders and know that our friendship is in tatters, that perhaps this charade has too high a price. I tried to give him a clue, hoped he could see in my eyes that our bond is stronger than ever but he didn’t see, didn’t understand that I do believe in what he believes. That the people we ally ourselves with are the key to our victory over the Goa’uld not the technology, not the weapons. Instead all he knows is that I’ve destroyed the trust, respect and loyalty that we once had, that I am no better than the people he despises. I stand and walk to the window watching as his car backs out of my driveway and, as a single tear rolls down my cheek come to a realisation.

I love him.

THE END.