Title (So Far): Blindness

Author: Susan

Series: TOS

Rating: NC-17

Codes: K/S

Summary: Miranda is not the only one to face truths. This story occurs at the end of the episode, "Is There In Truth No Beauty?"

Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and Viacom....Yah,da,da,da.

Note....I decided to repost the first part with revisions and major corrections (blush!). Hope this does not inconvenience anyone. I have gotten such marvelous comments, which have greatly helped me to determine how the story should develop. Thanks.....this is a great list!

BLINDNESS

by Susan

//What am I feeling as I watch Miranda leave - pain, disappointment, envy, or jealousy? Now why would I think that...jealousy?//

These were the thoughts that crossed James T. Kirk's mind as the object of his scrutiny, Dr. Miranda Jones, was being transported to her new life - a life which included Kollos, the Medusan ambassador. Kirk took a deep breath, frowned and quickly left the transporter room, not even glancing at Spock, who had manned the transporter.

After several hours in engineering with Scotty the Captain finally felt satisfied that the 'wee bairns' were back in top shape, as if there would be any doubt. The bridge had already started second shift. And now, it was a choice between dinner or an early start on the never-ending efiles. Dinner would probably be a lonely affair tonight without his usual Vulcan companion. Spock and McCoy both agreed that a few evenings of early rest and meditation should rejuvenate that Vulcan's physic to its original state. There would be no permanent damage caused from the Medusan encounter.

A lack appetite and the prospect of a lonely meal made Kirk's decision easy. As the turbolift deposited him in officers' territory, strange thoughts started to clutter his mind again.

//I got a vague feeling as though I'm running away from something. Like I have been hiding all day. Hiding...from who? Or what?//

As he entered his cabin and approached his desk Kirk noticed the medical disc McCoy had sent of Spock's fitness report. Next to this was another disc simply marked 'Jim'. Questioningly, he inserted the disc into the viewer.

Miranda.

That lovely face appeared on the screen. Her rich voice filled the cabin.

"Thank you, Captain...Jim. My 'TALK' with you made me realize that my blindness was not tampered by the lack of sight but by jealousy and ignorance. By forcing me to examine the depth of my jealousy I am now able to meet Kollos' mind unfettered. The joy in our meld is one of light and the end of loneliness."

Miranda's face reflected pure joy, which quickly shifted to doubt. There was a hesitant tone in her voice as she continued.

"Ethically I cannot go into great detail, but I need to state that melding with Spock also made me realize that there are many forms of blindness. To not see the true form of a relationship or the beauty of it is either blindness caused by ignorance or fear. I would rather think it is the latter. As you so aptly put it with the analogy of a rose. There may be pain with beauty. Pluck the rose, Jim! Enjoy the beauty."

Appearing as though she might say something else, Miranda quickly ended the recording with the words, "May you and Spock, live long and prosper."

"Damn peculiar", Jim muttered as he rubbed his chin.

******************************************************

Kirk realized he was still standing and slowly sank into his seat. Staring at the blank viewer screen, he drummed his fingers on the desktop as he repeated the word, "damn".

//What in the hell was Miranda implying? Ethics or not her message was too damn vague.//

Evidently, she was suggesting something about Spock.....and himself? After working together for nearly three years Kirk could not begin to imagine a time he was without the Vulcan. The first officer seemed to be one of his few constant advisors and friend. Spock was a stabling force in Kirk's very hectic universe. Theirs had been a relationship that had been quite satisfactory both in work and socially.

//So.... why did Miranda imply there would be pain? For who? Spock? No, she seemed to think the pain would be mine. What pain?.//

Before he could actually delve any further on the last question, the entry buzzer signaled a visitor. The captain impatiently jabbed the button on the desk to release the automatic door lock. As the door slid open CMO Leonard McCoy sauntered into the room.

"Jim boy," McCoy drawled, "Thought you might like to have some company for dinner tonight. That is since you don't have your usual Vulcan shadow tagging along."

"What in the hell does that mean, McCoy?" snapped Kirk. He regretted the words as soon as they slipped through his lips.

//Lose lips, sinks ships! Now the good doctor is going to dissect me for information!//

With a look of utter indignity McCoy said, "Whoa! Who lit the fire under you butt?"

Kirk ran his right hand down his face, wiping away a scowl and replacing it with a bemused smile. "Sorry, Bones," he said, "Guess you got the fallout from the rough mission we just completed. 'Just transporting dignitaries', my ass! Why do these 'easy' assignments always turn out to be so complicated?"

Slowly McCoy shrugged and grinned. "Murphy's Law....Murphy's Law." Placing a hand on Kirk's shoulder, he continued, "Come on, captain, you need some nourishment and some good, old human company."

As the two men entered the crew lounge McCoy winced and thought they should have gone to the officers' lounge. The large room seemed too bright, busy, and noisy. But Kirk preferred to be among his crew, his command position isolated him as it was from most of his shipmates. Determine to please the captain at all cost McCoy decided to grin and bare it as he led the way to the food dispenser. Luckily, the two officers were able to find a corner table that the doctor hoped would give them a fair amount of privacy.

The meal started out in friendly silence with the accompaniment of chewing sounds and overheard conversations. Off and on McCoy aimed a critical eye at James Kirk. The captain was definitely bothered by something. The doctor could see it in the tension of Kirk's shoulders, neck, and around those hazel eyes! If McCoy was going to offer some company AND find out how he could help his friend, he was going to have to be very careful in his choice of words. Yet, it was not McCoy who blurted out the first question.

"Bones, are you aware of any lasting, negative effects that may occur as the result of a mind meld?"

It took McCoy a short while to realize what Kirk was talking about. Quick to reassure his friend, the doctor replied, "Jim, is this about the mind meld between Miranda and Spock?" After Kirk nodded, he continued, "Miranda's fine. The training she received on Vulcan conditioned her mind to withstand abuse such as she faced melding with Spock."

"And...and Spock's okay?"

"You received my medical report. And even if you haven't read it yet, you should know better. If I even thought there was a hint of complications due to the meld, Spock would be in Sickbay right now."

Kirk muttered something under his breath. To McCoy the word vaguely sounded like "damn".

Curiosity and frustration got the best of the doctor. Deciding to take the strategic plan of full warp speed ahead, McCoy asked, "Jim, what is bothering you? And don't give me any damn excuses about completing 'a rough mission'!"

McCoy saw the war of uncertainty reflected in Kirk's face. When a look of resolve slowly appeared he realized it was in his favor. And so, the concerned friend patiently waited for Jim to speak.

Softly Kirk stated, "Miranda left a message in my cabin. In fact I had just finished viewing it when you arrived."

Kirk paused.

**Well, ** thought McCoy, **What did it say?** But the good doctor did not orally express his thoughts. **Mentally step back and give the man some room and time.**

"She said that she was happy and thanked me. And then....And then...."

The famous captain of the Enterprise was at a lost for words.

"And then what, Jim?" prompted the doctor. This was the first time he had ever seen the man tongue-tied.

"Well, she implied that she had received some sort of knowledge from the healing meld. And suggested I take some line of action."

"Action? What action?"

"The hell if I know! She stated she couldn't go into details because of ethics."

"Let me see if I understand this. According to the message, Miranda discovered something in the meld with Spock. And this revelation of hers has to do with you and something you need to do. And right now you don't know what that 'something' is."

"That's about it." Though he was not sure why, Jim deliberately left out Miranda's reference to roses and pain.

Out of the blue, emotions and images cluttered Kirk's mind. Roses....romance.....rose thorns....physical pain....emotional pain.....a distraught Miranda....a mentally deranged Vulcan.....a smiling Miranda....a smiling Spock.

//Now that's a laugh! When have you ever seen a Vulcan, especially your first officer, smile? Why don't you remember, Captain, when Spock discovered you were alive in sickbay? Did I really forget about that awful trip to Vulcan?//

McCoy stared in fascination at the range of emotions that seem to swiftly cross the younger man's face. Frustrations, reverie, fear, pain, sadness, joy, sarcasm, and, finally, bewilderment was shown before the observant eyes of the doctor.

When he realized that Jim was not going to say anything else, Bones offered his advice. "Look, Jim, this incident with Spock was emotionally draining to you, me, and half the crew. We almost lost that man. Normally in our line of work, we thank God that everything turned out all right and go forward. But maybe Miranda's message reopened some of your feelings of fear and uncertainty."

Taking a deep breath, McCoy continued, "My advice to you is for you to get a good night's rest, which you desperately need. Then tomorrow if you still feel that Miranda's message is very important to the well-being of our Vulcan friend, you should ask him directly. Hell, I would even play the message for those Vulcan ears to hear!"

Hesitantly Kirk said, "I..don't...know, Bones."

"Come on!," a rising McCoy interjected, "Let's get you to bed! No use dwelling on it anymore. Your thoughts will just go around in circles."

"Perhaps your right. Thanks, Bones."

Shortly afterwards Kirk was settling in his bunk. He suddenly realized that he was very tired.

Just before he was overcome with sleep Jim thought, //Bones is right, no use dwelling on something I don't understand. Hell, Miranda may have been conveying a simple message. What's that saying...... 'stop and smell the roses'? Yeah, maybe tomorrow I should just stop and enjoy the things around me. // With a smile at such a thought Jim Kirk drifted off to fragrant dreamland.

*******

"Good morning, Captain."

The computer alarm awoke Jim Kirk at 0600 hours. Stretching and rubbing his face the captain felt at first as if he had just emerged from his sleep with a hangover. However, this hangover he realized was from an overindulgence of confused emotions, not liquor.

//Man, I feel as if I had a rough night, but for the life of me I can't remember anything! No dreams or nightmares, no Nothing!//

Kirk groaned, "Computer, what is the agenda for today?"

The metallic voice responded, "Staff meeting at 0900. Inspection tour of Bio Labs at 1100. Monthly report due to Starfleet Command by 1530."

As Jim set up he remembered the last thought he had for the evening, his resolve to enjoy life. //Hell, who else has the command of a starship at their fingertips? God, I love this ship, the work , and the crew!//

Humming off key, he showered and dressed. Then Kirk went to his desk intercom and asked to communicate with Lieutenant Commander Spock.

"Spock speaking."

"Morning, Mr. Spock! And a wonderful morning it is... I swear if we were on planet side it would be sunny and the birds would be singing!" Kirk could picture a Vulcan eyebrow rising quite high.

"Captain, there would be too many variables involved to accurately determine the meteorological conditions of a planet without the proper equipment," Spock replied in a bemused tone.

"Yes, well, never the less I was wondering if you would care to join me for breakfast? That is, if you haven't already eaten?" questioned Kirk.

"I have not broken my fast yet."

"Good! Then I'll meet you in the corridor!"

Signaling the close of the comlink, Kirk briskly walked out of his quarters.

Once in the corridor he faced a crewman on cleaning detail. As the man was microsweeping the deck he was whistling a tune.

//That melody sounds vaguely familiar.//

Kirk addressed the young man. "Ensign."

The man step forward, "Sir, yes, sir!"

"What's your name, son?"

Taken aback by the way his captain addressed him, the young ensign took a moment to reply. "Ensign Carter, sir!"

"Mr. Carter, what is the name of that tune you were whistling just now?" inquired the captain.

"Sir? Why, I believe it's called "Everything's Coming Up Roses". It's from a vidfilm entitled Gypsy, sir."

"Interesting....... Thank you, Ensign. Carry on."

Just then Kirk felt a warm presence behind him. He knew it was Spock before he turned around.

//Well, James Kirk, you can look at this 'omen' in two ways. The song could be a reminder to talk to Spock about Miranda's message. Or it could be a sign to continue to enjoy the day. I think I'll choice the second. Procrastinating Kirk, that's me!//

Turning towards Spock, Jim acknowledged his first officer. "Ah, there you are, Spock. Shall we go?"

With a "Yes, sir" the Vulcan gracefully fell instep with his captain.

Breakfast started out comfortably enough. Jim attacked his meal of bran cereal and strawberries with gusto. Spock enjoyed a simple repast of Kreyla, Vulcan biscuits, with terrain jam. This was an 'indulgence' Kirk noticed that Spock had developed in the past year.

As they ate the men discussed the agenda for the morning's staff meeting. "I suppose you have already reviewed what data we have on M93?" Kirk inquired. The next mission of the Enterprise was a rather routine one of star mapping. Star mapping would have been boring to the youthful captain. However, this time it seemed to be considered a welcome reprieve.

The science officer replied, "Yes, sir, I was able to study the information on the star cluster quite extensively last night,"

"Spock! You were supposed to be resting last night. Doctors orders!" Kirk's inner voice added, //You could have at least had dinner with me.//

In his usual unruffled manner Spock responded, "Jim, for some reason I was not able to reach the usual level of my meditative state. I did not want to let such time pass unproductively."

Jim quickly asked, "Is everything okay, Spock? Is it possible that you are suffering with some sort of side effects from the mind meld?" The captain's face clearly reflected a look of concern and perhaps a touch of guilt.

Recognizing the need to be forthright and also reassuring the Vulcan stated, "Jim, be assured that I am fully functionally. As the doctor and I both indicated, in a matter of time my mental state will reach its full potential."

A quick stab of pain ran through Kirk's heart. //Do you realize I almost lost you, friend?// Images of lonely dinners, nights without the companionable chess games, and a missing Vulcan 'shadow' ran ramped through his soul. Pushing the images to the back of his mind, he stated, "Well, Spock, promise me that at the least sign of mental or physical distress you will report to McCoy." Reaching over the table, Jim pressed his hand on Spock's forearm as if to emphasize his words.

"Of course, Captain" replied a very efficient officer.

Kirk stretched and moved out of his seat in a sudden fit of nervous energy. "Well, Spock, let's get this show on the road."

With a faint gleam in his eyes, Spock fell into the eternally, evolving game of semantics. "What form of entertainment are you referring to, Captain?"

"The staff meeting, of course!"

To Jim the verbal exchange, which usually provided some measure of enjoyment, fell flat. On the way to the briefing room, Kirk's mind returned to the previous, painful thought. //I almost lost you, Spock. Have I been so blind to the fact that you have become an important part of my life? A part that I may not be able to live without?//

//Boy, James T. Kirk, your bed of roses is starting to go to seed.//

And sure enough Jim's day went downhill from that point on.

**********

Doctor McCoy was cradling in his hands a steaming cup of black liquid. Someone called it coffee, but for the life of him McCoy just couldn't link the name to the awful taste. At least it was waking him up. The doctor just wasn't sure if it was the caffeine or the bitter taste that was performing the task.

As he scanned the briefing room Bones took inventory of the personnel who were there. Most all department heads were present. Uhura and Sulu were conferring in one corner. Scotty was reviewing some schematics of the engines on a computer monitor. Two other officers, Chekov and Lindsay, and a pretty young yeoman, Rosalind Harris, were conversing in low tones. No one, but McCoy seemed to be taking a chance with the coffee that had been 'courteously' setup in the corner of the room. It was bad enough that the good doctor had a rough night, but to make matters worse he did not rise in time to have a decent breakfast or cup of coffee.

//Anyway, where are the two causes of my hellish night?// thought Bones. // Wasn't it 9 o'clock ---SORRY! ---- 0900 yet? Everyone's here but the two principle players.//

McCoy was anxious to start the staff meeting, because he had some serious observing to do. You see McCoy was never one to follow his own advice. So though the doctor told his Captain to get a good night's sleep and to stay away from unsettling thoughts, it was Bones who allowed the thoughts to dwell in his conscious all night. In fact, it was in the wee hours of the morning that the good doctor had developed a theory as to why the Captain was so upset yesterday. McCoy also rationalized that this may very well be the item that Miranda was referring to in her message. As a scientist it was now his duty to observe, record, and test said theory to reach its logical conclusion. Leonard McCoy felt quit smug all of a sudden. //Spock was not the only logical thinker on the Enterprise.//

Suddenly, the door to the ship's corridor whisked open. As the department heads quickly headed for their seats, the two commanding officers, and McCoy's focal points, enter and took their customary places at the head of the briefing table. The doctor made sure he would be able to carry out his observation without obstruction by sitting directly across the table from the Captain.

The first thing Bones noticed when his friends entered into the room was a stiffness between the Captain and his First Officer. Spock always had his shields securely in place, but to McCoy the Vulcan mystic was on full force this morning. The relax pose which seemed to always appear in the proximity of a certain starship captain was gone, replaced by a ramrod figure. What was most fascinating though was the body language of James T. Kirk. The man always seemed to have an air of confidence and authority around him while at the same time being at ease, especially around the Vulcan. Sometimes McCoy thought Jim's body leaned towards Spock as though attracted by a magnet. Such was not the case today, the Captain seemed to have established an imperturbable wall around himself, stronger it seemed then the Vulcan's own barrier. It was as if the two men feed off of each other's defenses, magnifying them.

"If everyone is ready, we may begin. Yeoman Harris if you will begin to record. Mr. Scott, we will start with the engineering report." Kirk's tone was no nonsense, crisp, sharp, and clear. But something was definitely missing. After awhile McCoy realized it was the lack of civility that the Captain usually had. Jim did not include a single 'please' or 'thank you' in his sentences. He didn't even start out with a 'good morning'.

//Fascinating// thought Bones. What was also interesting was the overall mood of the briefing room as the meeting progress. The change in the two men seemed to have an interesting effect on the personnel. Gone was a sense of camaraderie, the aura of professional pride that always seemed to exude from the officers. Scotty was gazing more at his hands then at the assembled group. Sulu's eyes seemed to slide back and forth as if to gauge the reactions of those around him. Uhura couldn't seem to settle comfortably in her seat. Poor Yeoman Harris, who was recording the proceedings, seemed so scared. If someone said "Boo!", McCoy was sure she would jump clear out of her skin. The overall feeling of the meeting to the doctor was that everyone wanted to leave as soon as possible.

As reports were given from the communication and navigation departments, McCoy's mental list of the commanding officers' behaviors grew in length. One of the most interesting developments was the facial expression of both men. To the casual observer Spock's face was stoic as usual. However, the Vulcan's eyes seemed to never leave Kirk. Most unsettling was the expression of those eyes. //It's as if he is a trying to ask Jim what want wrong // McCoy thought //or what did I do to deserve this treatment from you?//

Jim's eyes were the worse. It was as if he did not see anything around him. The Captain did not make eye contact with anyone. He seemed to be especially avoiding Spock. When Spock gave the science department report Kirk stared straight-ahead not looking in the Vulcan's direction once. Those hazel eyes that usually sparkled with life seem dull and dead as if Jim was actually blind! McCoy realized then that he had to have a talk with Kirk after the meeting.

Following the reports, Captain Kirk outlined the Enterprise's course and mission for the next month. First Officer Spock provided background information on the star system, M93. In a blink of an eye the meeting was over. There was no 'thank you' or 'job well done' from the Captain. All Kirk said was, "You may now report back to your duty stations."

As the briefing room door whisked open it seemed to be reflecting the mental sigh of the collective officers. The men and women could not seem to leave the room fast enough. McCoy almost sprinted around the table in order to catch Kirk before the Captain left the room. Because of this maneuver the doctor was able to catch something even more intriguing, a practically one-sided dialogue between Kirk and Spock.

As Kirk noticed the doctor approaching he said, "In a minute, Bones. Ah, Spock, if I may have a word with you?"

"Yes, Captain?" asked Spock. McCoy thought he heard a multitude of questions in those two words.

Kirk, whose eyes seemed to focus on a point just over Spock's left shoulder, replied, "As you are already aware of, I am scheduled to tour the biolabs at 1100. However, with a monthly report due later today I believe I will postpone the tour to a later date. Please inform your staff. You may carry on."

//Well, that was final! There was clearly no room left for further questions or discussions.// thought McCoy. The doctor felt a deep sympathy for the Vulcan, which was not as rare as some would believe. McCoy admired and sometimes felt protective of this alien. It was fine if the good doctor jarred that Vulcan verbally once in awhile, but just let anyone else try it. He would defend his friend to the end!

With a raised eyebrow Spock replied, "Yes, Captain."

Stiffly, the Vulcan left the room. Yet, Kirk still did not look AT the retreating Vulcan. McCoy had not noticed any signs of remorse from the captain for his behavior towards Spock.

The silence in the room was deafening. Kirk turned to face the doctor.

"Bones, as you can tell I'm a busy man," stated Kirk when he finally broke the stillness. "What is it you need?"

Taking a deep breath McCoy inquired, "Jim, did you discuss Miranda's message with Spock?"

The captain swayed back at the question and glared at the doctor. "No" was the single crisp word that the man emitted.

McCoy mumbled, "Oh! I thought that might have explained IT?" The doctor was taken by surprise. For he had thought that the discussion over the message could have resulted in the two men's changed in behavior at today's staff meeting.

Because there had been no such dialogue between Kirk and Spock, McCoy decided to use a different tactic.

Impatiently, Jim stated, "Doctor, I don't understand what your are trying to say at all. I need to........."

"Do you remember the conversation we had just after the dinner party given for Miranda?" interrupted Bones.

Jim was startled again. McCoy thought // Jim must have some aversion to the mention of Miranda's name.//

Slowly, the captain responded, "Not really."

"Well, you said something that bares repeating today! I had stated that night that Miranda seemed vulnerable. And you, James T., stated 'we are all vulnerable.' Remember? What makes you vulnerable, Jim? Yesterday I could have sworn your weakness was the Enterprise. But after a sleepless night, I have come to the realization that the thing that makes you vulnerable is something totally different from this ship."

"Bones, you are starting to speak in riddles just like Miranda. Would you please tell me what you are getting at?" insisted Kirk.

"Jim, I don't think you are as ignorant of the situation as you wish me to believe. I honestly think you chose to be blind to it. It's not necessarily that you want to protect yourself from the situation. Is it that you are trying to protect someone else, perhaps Spock?"

"Doctor, I refuse to continue with this conversation. Now if you will excuse me!" Kirk seemed to be at the point of hysterics.

McCoy thought, //Wow! To what extent does his feelings go for that pointed-ear hobgoblin? Maybe even I am afraid to look at the whole picture! It's up to Kirk, and Kirk alone, to determine this and resolve the situation. But I need to give him a nudge to get the ball rolling..//

"Well, Captain, sir, as your chief medical officer it is my responsibility to see to the well being of not only the officers of the Enterprise, but to the entire crew. It is my frank opinion that what I witnessed today was quite harmful to everyone in this room. And if it continues this may eventually affect the entire ship. I am putting you on notice, sir! Before the end of today I want you to reflect on yourself, your attitude towards this ship and it's crew, including Spock. Then I want you to discuss Miranda's message with Spock. If you refuse to follow my directions, I will personally drag both you and Spock into sickbay for a complete psyche - exam!"

The doctor walked around the stunned captain. As McCoy was crossing the threshold of the briefing room, he almost faltered. For in glancing back into the room, Bones had a depressing view of the Kirk.

Jim stood alone in the big room. His back was still towards the door. But the doctor could clearly see the man's once straight and proud shoulders had fallen, as if in defeat.

***********

It was the solitary figure of a man who spoke in the empty briefing room as the sliding door sealed the room from the busy corridor. "Well, what are you going to do now, James T. Kirk?" There was a mixture of sarcasm and sadness in the captain's voice.

In response to his own question Kirk drew a deep breath and stated firmly, "You are going to do what you always do, what you must do as captain of the Enterprise." Turning sharply on his heels the captain quickly left the briefing room and headed for the bridge.

The corridor of the starship was crowded with the day crew at midshift. Kirk took note of all around him as his steps led him to the turbolift. "Bridge!", the single word command, set the lift in motion. Without the bustle of the corridor the silence invited Jim's mind to wander. //Was Bones serious with his threat? How am I going to go about confronting Spock especially after the way I treated him this morning?// The captain's mind replayed his breakfast with Spock. He reviewed the conversation he had with the Vulcan. It was after that conversation, after the painful reminder of his near lost, that Kirk's hard automatic defenses took over. Jim realized that as he and Spock made their way to the briefing room, without even thinking about it, he built a wall, a wall that even barricaded him from his best friend.

The swift opening of the door brought Kirk back into the present. As he stepped onto the bridge, Jim's eyes automatically peered over to the science console on his right side. Of course Spock wasn't there. He was in the biolabs. However, this was a habit that the captain had developed over the past three years. //It's a sign of reassurance,// thought Jim, //a need to know that he is with me for one more day.//

The captain scanned the bridge once, giving a brief nod to Uhura at communications. Jim could feel her questioning eyes on his back as he stepped down to the center seat. Once seated Yeoman Harris was immediately by his side with documents to sign. After reviewing the brief's minutes and some consumption reports Kirk requested that Uhura forward the information to his quarters. Checking on the progress of the ship's course the captain turned over the command to Sulu.

As he was leaving Jim paused by the communication console and stated, "Lieutenant, I will be in my quarters if anyone needs me. Please do not disturb me unless it is an emergency."

Uhura gave her commander an open look of question and concern.

To ease the woman's mind Jim's face softened with a small smile. Kirk added what he hoped was an apologetic look, a wordless apology for the unusual morning meeting. The result of that golden look was a responding smile of relief. //One small victory, if only things go just as easily when I meet with Spock!//

Once in the dim lit environment of his quarters Kirk was able to shrug off some of his mantle of command. But there was duty, always duty! Right now that duty required him to complete a monthly report to starfleet. //It's after the report that I have to face my personal obligations,// thought Jim.

Calling up the computer, Kirk made sure all components of the monthly report were in order. The report consisted of fuel and food consumption, change in personnel that may be required, any special request for equipment, medical reports, and the captain's log. It was the last two items, which prompted Jim to dwell more on his personal dilemma. Just what the doctor ordered!

"This is what started it all," said Jim as he came across Spock's medical report and the logged account of the past few days. //But did it start with the meld with the ambassador?// There had been many such logs and incidents in the past three years. Charlie broke Spock's legs in rage. Gary almost killed Spock due to Kirk's sense of friendship. He almost lost Spock and McCoy on the Galileo. As he counted the incidents the pain in his chest increased to the point he could not breathe. Worst of all these accounts was one that was never logged, the trip to Vulcan. "There are somethings that transcends the service," Spock had said. The words echoed in Jim's mind.

Service - Jim told Spock he didn't understand and ordered Spock to explain. Now here he was fighting with professional and personal feelings. As he forward the completed report to Uhura with orders to send to starfleet Kirk wondered, //Where does duty, even camaraderie, end and friendship begin?// Was what he had with Spock a true friendship in human terms or a sense of professional obligation in Vulcan terms? Moments crowded Kirk's mind again. Spock's declaration of loyalty to Kirk during the M5 incident was one of Kirk's most cherished memories. However, it was one brilliant smile in sickbay that seemed to warm Kirk's heart the most. He remembered feeling as if he could conquer the universe as long as that Vulcan was by his side.

It was at this point in his mental tirade that a veil seemed to be lifted off Jim's eyes. In the brilliance of realization Jim saw that what he previously classified as affection and friendship had in fact developed into love. The need to see and be with Spock had become an important element in Kirk's life. The thought of life without Spock was like darkness itself. Was this what Miranda was referring to in her message?

The time had come to put all questions, barriers and fear of pain aside. Jim had to face Spock and himself. The fear of potentially ending a wonderful partnership and friendship was now out weighed by the need for more. Besides, McCoy had been right, if Kirk continued to ignore these feelings not only would he and Spock suffer, but eventually the crew.

With determination the captain left his quarters without notifying the bridge of his destination. //Let them make an all-call if they need me!// he thought. Kirk headed straight for the first officer's quarters. He did not think to contact Spock, Jim wanted to see if he could possibly catch the Vulcan off guard. If Spock wasn't in his quarters, then Kirk would track him down.

Affirming the presence of the first officer in his quarters the door softly opened allowing the captain to quickly step in. Spock was seated at his desk. He appeared to be working on some lab reports. Kirk moved to a spot on the opposite side of the desk and addressed the Vulcan before Spock was able to move or speak.

"Spock, I first want to apologize for the way I acted this morning, particularly at the briefing." Jim paused to allow Spock to feign ignorance, however the Vulcan's response was quite the opposite of Kirk's expectation.

"Sir, I was somewhat perplex as to the behavior you exhibited towards the staff."

//Well, at least he acknowledges something is up, but he is taking it at a professional standpoint. I'll have to jump the gun to gain his personal attention,// thought Jim.

With a deep breath Jim plunged forward, "Spock, I received a message from Miranda the other day. A message that has been the catalyst for some soul searching on my part. Miranda stated that she became aware of some information that she felt I needed to be privy to. This information became know to her through her meld with you."

While he spoke Kirk carefully watched Spock's face. The Vulcan first appeared to be interested with the classic uplifting of his right eyebrow. However, with the last sentence the captain could have sworn he saw sheer terror in Spock's eyes. The Vulcan stood up and moved towards the partition in his room. Kirk cringed as he realized this was a repetition of an earlier time.

To quickly assure his friend, Kirk continued. "Miranda did not give me the exact information. However, she felt it was knowledge I was already in possession of ......but afraid to accept for fear of pain."

The silence and the unmoving figure of the man before him broke Jim's heart.

Softly Jim continued, "I once said to Bones that everyone is vulnerable. He and just about everyone else believes that my vulnerable spot is the Enterprise." Moving around the desk and taking a hesitant step towards Spock Kirk asked, "What do you think my vulnerable spot is, Spock?"

There was no response. The Vulcan was like a rigid statue. Kirk nervously rubbed his right fist into his left palm. Taking one closer step towards Spock, Jim slowly placed his left hand on the lower left side of Spock, just over the Vulcan's heart. "I say that this is my most vulnerable spot." The statement was made in a whisper of reverence.

A shudder ran through the body beneath his hand. With a gently squeeze, Jim removed his hand and stepped around to face his friend, his love. Right now physical contact had to be put aside, truths had to be told, self-induced blindness had to be lifted, if there was any hope for a relationship with Spock. //After all I've had several days to dwell on this even if I was kicking and screaming the whole time. Spock is getting a baptism of fire,// Kirk thought sympathetically. Looking up into Spock's face, it seemed void of any emotion, which scared Jim more than the look of terror.

"Spock, as I stated before, I have been doing some deep soul searching. I've come up with one constant factor in my life that I know now I can't live without. And that is you! I have realized it is you I wish to see during breakfast and dinner. It is you I want to see every night over a chessboard. It is you I look for on the bridge. You are an extension of myself, the one I can count on without fail." Jim's voice rose as he made this declaration, which suddenly softened again as he continued. " I was too blind to also realize that it is you that I want to see beside me when I rise in the morning and lay down at night. It is you that I want at my side when I leave the Enterprise and face an uncertain future. I won't be afraid of the road ahead with you by my side." With the closing statement Jim willed all of his feelings to show on his face. It was a look that reviled the closest sun!

Looking into Spock's eyes as he spoke Jim watched what appeared to be a metamorphosis of sorts. The dull, emotionless, guarded eyes slowly started to glow. It was with the following deep words that Jim also saw the birth of a bright radiance in those dark eyes.

"I love you." The statement was simply said and deeply cherished.

Finally breathing again Kirk stepped closer to Spock, yet still a hair's width distance between them. With all the hope and joy he could muster, Jim asked, "when?"

Understanding the incomplete question, Spock answered, "Since my return from Vulcan. I realized then that if you were dead I would die also. There was no desire to continue my existence."

Kirk realized with a shudder that if it had not been for Miranda's message neither men would have acknowledged this aspect of their relationship. As if thinking on the same lines, Spock whispered, "Dr. Jones must have viewed such emotions when she placed my thoughts in order."

"We have much to thank her for," responded Jim as he slowly lifted his hands to touch the Vulcan's face. He memorized Spock's face with his hands as though he was blind. Slowly his fingers ran through the soft black hair, over the upswept eyebrows, down the high cheekbones, and paused at the soft lips.

With one more look in those beautiful eyes, Jim saw worshiping love reflected back. Gently, he pulled Spock's head down. Their lips meet for a first, shy kiss. He could feel a tingling sensation in his lower extremities, which he knew Spock felt too. //That is if the bulge in the Spock's pants is an accurate indicator. //

Kirk ran his hands from Spock's face, down his shoulders and ended up holding his hands. "Spock", the name was spoken as if it were a prayer as Jim gently led his soon-to-be lover towards the sleeping alcove. Once by the bed he released the man's hands and grabbed the hem to his uniform shirt. Carefully he pulled the clothing over Spock's head. The Vulcan seemed to be holding his breath as Jim ran his finger through the dark patches of Spock's chest hairs. //I never realized how erotic a man's - NO - Spock's chest could be.//

As Spock started to breathe again, Kirk let out a soft sigh and placed his head on the bare chest as his arms encircled the body. When Spock reciprocated the hug Jim thought that he had reached heaven, that surely this was perfection complete. However, it was his persistent first officer that proved that there was more to be desired.

Spock's arms lowered to the hem of Jim's shirt. Stepping back he removed the offensive piece of clothing and began to worship his captain's chest with long, sensitive fingers. Jim shivered with sensory overload and anticipation at the same time, if that were possible. Yet, Spock did not stay within the chest area. With soft petting motions the Vulcan moved along his partner's body until they reached the waistband of his pants. Not being able to contain themselves any longer, hands collided as twin pants were being removed. Everything was moving at an accelerated rate, until it was brought to an abrupt halt by the boots.

Jim couldn't help it. Sitting on the bed with a thump he started to emit a deep, belly laugh. Red in the face with tears in his eyes, he removed the cumbersome footwear and pants. Realizing that Spock was still standing and not making a sound, Jim thought, //Please, God, help me! I don't want to ruin our chance of happiness with my human emotions.// Yet, when he looked up at Spock he realized he had nothing to fear for what he saw was a rare soft smile.

"Jim, it is very pleasing to hear you laugh again."

Thanking God for this wonderful man in front of him, Jim fell to his knees. He carefully helped Spock remove his boots and pants. Standing up he drew Spock into a tight embrace. A passionate kiss was ignited as the men sidestepped and slowly lowered themselves into the bed. Kirk's tongue begged to enter the Vulcan's mouth where it was allowed in and captured.

As the kiss deepened passion took over. There was no embarrassment here, no hesitancy, not even a chain of command. The bed held the two in a cocoon of mutual respect and love. They rode their passion as a wave. Their first act of love was just a quickly spent as a wave. But as Jim held his lover in his arms he knew there would be more to come. Thus, there was no longing or dissatisfaction, just contentment and peace.

Gently, Jim kissed the tip of one pointed ear and softly said, "sweet dreams" as his Vulcan fell asleep. Though he was tired too from days of emotional upheaval, from a night of spent passion, he did not want to go to sleep just yet. Jim wanted to savor the love he felt and saw in his arms just a bit longer.

Yet, sleep did gradually possess even the captain. His final thoughts as he drifted off were of his upcoming conversation with Bones and unanswered questions of his and Spock's future.

//Our future together! Yes, there may be some thorns involved, but it's well worth the pain to hold the beauty.//

With that last thought darkness and roses claimed the mind of James T. Kirk.

-30-

This is it! The Blindness Finale. As usual please let me know it there are any mistakes or suggestions. Thanks!