Title: Second Chance

Author: Helen

av.hv@prodigy.net

Codes: K/S

Rating: NC17

Timeline: Set between Star Trek III and IV.

Summary: Kirk waits for Spock to regain his memories after the Refusion (Fal Toor Pan)

Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to Paramount. No profit is being made from this.

Thanks! To Greywolf, for being the beta-reader on this story.

Archive: ASC (EM), KirkLovesSpockFic



Second Chance
By Helen


The sun rose without you, and the stars came out at night
And I waited for you, a glimmer of hope still alive inside of me
The breeze, still cold as darkness when it came
And I waited for your voice to say my name…

I felt the pull of time, and the universe, but did not yield
Waiting on the mountain, a glimmer of hope still alive inside of
me The rain, like bitter tears falling when it came
Yet I waited for your voice to say my name…


James Kirk looked up at the Bird of Prey, sitting in the hot Vulcan sand. Starfleet would be happy to have her. Perhaps that would help their case at the trial when they returned home. He frowned at that thought and rubbed his hands over his face. He was tired. It would be dark soon. He dreaded that.

Another long, Vulcan night stretched out before him. Much longer than what he was accustomed to on Earth. He hated the stillness and the loneliness that it would bring. And as always, he wondered what Spock was doing now, as he glanced up at the mountain.

“Jim.” He saw Dr. McCoy walking towards him from the ship.

“I was just coming to see you Bones. Scotty says it won’t be long now. Does sickbay meet with your approval?”

“It most certainly does not,” he said sharply. “It’s a damn torture chamber, Jim!”

Kirk had to grin. Bones was happiest when he had something to complain about.

“Well then doctor, we’d better not get sick,” Kirk replied.

They began to walk casually around the ship. The familiar grin faded from the admiral, and the doctor could see the weariness in his friend. He wasn’t eating or sleeping properly. His wounds were still fresh, not the kind a doctor could heal. What he had been through these past few months was more pain than any man should have to bear. The loss of a friend, a son, and his ship.

“Jim, I’ve been wanting to tell you something for a while now. I might be over-stepping here, but you don’t look well, and I know you’re hurting. I thought that maybe I could help. After all, we have been friends a long time.”

“Help Bones? I don’t know what you mean.” Kirk looked uneasy.

McCoy stopped walking, and placed a gentle hand on his friend’s arm for a moment. Kirk`s back was to him and he didn`t turn around.

“I think you do know what I mean. It’s about Spock. And what you feel for him.”

Kirk swallowed hard at hearing those words and closed his eyes tightly for a moment. That ache inside, gripping him again. What did Bones know? What was he going to say? He should walk away now, make up some excuse and leave. He couldn’t talk about this to him - to anyone. Yet, he couldn’t move either.

“If it helps, Jim, he felt the same way. He always did. I knew it when I carried that Essence of his around in my head. I just thought that if, well, if he couldn’t remember, at least you would know, he did feel it once. It was real for him. You weren’t alone in your feelings. But, maybe you already know that.”

“Jim…?”

Silence.

“Well, I guess I did over-step. I’m sorry Jim. I just thought it might give you some comfort.”

His voice was gentle. There was no judgement or condemnation in anything that he had said. Then the doctor squeezed his shoulder lightly and turned to leave.

Kirk choked back a reply. His face was flushed, he could feel it and knew McCoy would see it if he faced him now, even in the twilight. Bones knew. Of course he did. But it never really occurred to him until that moment.

“Bones,” he said at last, “thank you for that.” It was all that he could manage.

The older man flashed a warm smile filled with understanding that Kirk couldn’t see, because he didn’t look back. He just needed to walk now - to think.

He followed one of the stone paths up the mountain, until he could see the city lights in the distance. A mist was rising, as was common here at night, in the thin atmosphere. He sat on a stone bench near another path that led higher up, and he could smell a copper-like scent in the air, but also the scent of wildflowers.

He sighed then, into the air, and let his thoughts drift, and tried hard not to call out into the night, the name of the man that held his heart…

The man who sat alone in a stone chamber, on a another part of the mountain, with his memories…

******

I remember.

Hands pressed hard on the panel, yours and mine. The look on your face, like the end of the world. Our world. And I felt the faintest whisper of your thoughts. How was it possible? We did not meld. We could not touch. Yet in that moment, I knew your love for me, as you knew mine, for you. My mother says it is not so difficult to understand. That love in itself, is a link. A very human statement. But one that I have found to be true.

I remember feeling myself slipping away into the darkness, but willing myself to take your thoughts with me, wherever it was I was going. In those final moments you were everything to me, as you have always been. And although I had never touched you or felt your lips on mine, I knew, that I must never forget. Then, a veil of darkness fell over my eyes and your handsome face was gone from my sight.

When I saw you again, for the first time, it was on the mountain after the Refusion. I did not know you, yet I said your name. And I would say it a thousand times after that night, until at last I remembered, that it was you Jim. My friend, my brother, and yes, so much more - t’hy’la.

These last few months have been a struggle for me. I am myself and yet, I am not the same as before. I must find a way to accept this, for it can not be changed. Just as the past can not be changed. What is done is done. But I can look to the future now, so bright and clear before me. I can have a life with you, a life I never dared let myself hope for. You gave that to me, when you brought me here to Seleya.

Forgive me Jim. I have made you wait so long. But I had to be sure. I know what you have risked for me and what you have lost. I pray my touch would heal you. I would give anything if it would. I realized today, when I saw your face in the sunlight, saw the love there in that familiar smile, that I had not been wrong about anything.

And I am there, in that memory once more. When I could not touch you, but tried to feel your hand. When your eyes met mine and we *knew* what could not be denied any longer. When our thoughts touched briefly, by some miracle, though our bodies could not.

Yes. I am there…

Oh, t’hy’la…

I remember.

******

So this is my second chance Spock, on this alien world, slowly becoming more familiar with each new day, though I don’t want it to.

We’ll be leaving Vulcan soon. The Bird of Prey is almost ready. I wonder if you know that? The last time we spoke you still seemed so distant. But Amanda assures me that you will soon be whole again. You’re making progress everyday, remembering and re-learning what you’ve lost. I pray she’s not just telling me what I want to hear to ease my pain. Your mother has become a good friend to me these past few months. Would it please you to know that? I think it would.

I saw you watching me today, from higher up the mountain, as you sometimes do. Your hair, so black, in contrast to the white robe that covered you. And the sunlight, giving off a ghost-like glow around you. I held your gaze and I had to smile at the sight of you standing there. For a brief moment, I thought I saw your lips curve in a faint smile as well. But when I finally had to blink from the brightness, the smile was gone. And then, so were you.

I have a lot to answer for back home. I have to face the real possibility of being stripped from Starfleet forever, not to mention the possibility of prison. I really don’t know what will happen. I only hope the others won’t suffer for their loyalty. They are true friends, willing to face the consequences with me. They’re your friends too Spock. They took a risk, for both of us, and I pray they won’t have to pay the price for it.

God, haven’t we all paid enough already?

T’khut is nearly gone. The stars are so bright tonight. Brighter than any night I can remember here…

I’m tired Spock, so very tired. And I miss the Earth, as I never have before. I miss David and my silver ship. And yet, God help me, I have no regrets. I did what I had to do.

But most of all, I miss you and the man I was with you, the man I know I could be with you. I need your arms around me to make it all right and I don’t know if that will ever happen now, no matter how much I want it…

Can you hear me Spock?

******

A plea, into the darkness, waiting for an answer…

His tears fell that night, under the stars, though he was not a man who cried easily. He sat there for a long time and although the night air was warm, he felt a chill, as if a soft breeze had passed through him. And so, he made his way back to the guest chambers in the mountain, to the tiny room that was his. He kicked off his boots and undressed, found a robe and wrapped himself in it. Now, if he only had a drink, perhaps that might dull the ache in his heart, if only for a time.

Then, a step at the open door, an unmistakable presence dressed in white, staring at him with ebony eyes; his own eyes, shining bright as stars in the dim light of the room.

“Spock,” almost a gasp.

“Yes Jim, I am here. I know it is late. But I could not stay away.”

Silence between them for a long moment, until Kirk could find the breath to speak…

“You never have to stay away from me Spock. Please, come in.”

Spock entered the tiny room and closed the door. The sight of Jim standing there, in a gray Vulcan robe, was like a dream. One that he never wanted to wake from.

“The last time we spoke, there was still so much that you didn’t remember. Has - that changed at all?” Kirk could barely get the words out.

“Jim, I do remember that last day, if that it what you wish to know. I remember the feelings that passed between us, when our eyes met. You have always been my friend, and yet, so much more to me than that.”

The admiral could feel himself tremble. There was a soft light inside of him, a glimmer of hope, still alive at hearing those words. A second chance to make it right.

“Oh Spock, I’ve always felt more than friendship for you. And when I thought that I was losing you forever, I wanted you to know that. Then suddenly, I knew your thoughts too. I felt that!”

“Yes, as did I,” Spock answered. “I think now, that in some way, I have always known. Is that true for you as well, Jim?”

“Oh yes. There were many times I thought maybe, just maybe, I saw something there in your eyes, when you looked at me. Or maybe the way you touched my shoulder or said my name. But then, I was your captain, and your friend. And it was hard for me to admit back then, that I could feel like that about another man.”

Kirk looked away for a moment, his own words bringing back painful memories and the despair he felt long ago.

“When you came back from Gol, I was so grateful to have you in my life again. I told myself that it would be all right, that at least we still had our friendship, if nothing else. But I always wanted more, Spock.”

Spock`s sharp features softened at hearing those words from Jim’s lips. He longed to feel him close, to touch his mind and become part of him.

“And I, being a Vulcan, could never dare hope for such things with you, because of who and what I was, what my training and my nature made me. I went to Gol to put some distance between us - to forget. But I could not. It seems that we both had our own reasons for keeping our silences. But now, that time has ended, Jim.”

Spock moved closer, and Kirk could smell the distinct spicy scent of him, setting his heart alight with desire. ‘It was always Spock’. He dreamed of this moment so many times, he wanted to say all the right things. But now, as he looked into the dark eyes of the man standing before him, any words he planned to say seemed so inadequate.

“There’s so much more I want you to know,” Kirk said softly.

“When we join, t’hy’la, we will both know,” Spock said.

The first intimate contact between them - Spock pressed his long fingers onto the other’s face. The words weren’t necessary. They fell weightless into the meld. Their thoughts becoming one, seeking the truth and finding it there, warm and sweet. A deep loneliness in each of them, that only the other could fill. And a friendship, that somewhere along the way became more - became love, and lust, and everything…

Then, soft contact through the link - a whisper, a knowing of each other’s thoughts that would become stronger with time…

// Let me love you Spock. I’ve waited so long //

// As I have waited for you t’hy’la //

The first physical contact between them - Kirk`s arms around the Vulcan’s slim waist, pulling him close. Lips touching, then kissing, then kissing deeply. Spock moaned to feel the human’s tongue in his mouth and responded with equal passion, until both men were breathless. Then Spock pulled his lips away slightly, though it was the hardest thing he had ever done.

“Jim, I am pleased by your touch. And I want nothing more than to please you. However, it is a fact that I have not –“

Kirk pressed a finger lightly on the soft, moist lips before he could finish…

“Shhh, I know. Me too. I mean, not like this. You’re the only man I’ve ever wanted. It’s no secret, the women I’ve been with. But they could never live up to you Spock. And worst of all was that I knew it, and didn’t do anything about it.”

Spock looked into the familiar hazel eyes and saw the love there, shining bright as Vulcan sun. He kissed his forehead, brow and cheek, then found his lips and kissed him tenderly, with all that he was. He understood.

“It is of no consequence,” Spock whispered, “we are together now, t’hy’la.”

Kirk let his robe fall to the floor, and then the white robe soon followed. They found the bed, that was barely enough room for two, and Kirk pressed himself full length against the taut body under him. Their arms locked in a fierce embrace, kissing deeply as before. He didn’t want to rush this - their first time. But there was a hunger inside of him that could not be denied. A desperate need to touch him, to possess him, as if it all might be taken away. A feeling that he had finally come home after years of living another life. Years of longing for something that he had never thought possible, until this very moment.

He tasted the satin skin of his neck and shoulders, then licked the sensitive nipples of his chest, leaving a wet trail of saliva, as he moved further down to take his lover’s arousal into his mouth, all at once.

“Jim!” The name nearly caught in Spock`s throat, as he felt his own physical need take him by surprise. He arched his back a little, digging his slender fingers into the others hair, while strong hands held his hips and a warm mouth sucked him gently, thoroughly, until he could hold back no longer and he came, in a warm wave of pleasure that made his body shudder with desire. Kirk tasted him briefly then withdrew, taking some of the slick fluid in his hands and rubbing it onto his own sex. He wanted to be inside of him so badly that he ached, body and soul.

Then, a hiss from Spock, as he felt moist fingers slip up inside of him, massaging and stretching him gently. He felt dizzy, from the different feelings and emotions that were spilling out of him now. Spock pulled his lover up by the shoulders and kissed him urgently, caressing the hard-muscled back and biting on the soft skin of his neck. Then, he whispered into his ear, hardly recognizing his own voice. “Jim, anything you want. Anything!”

A sob then, from Kirk`s lips, that he couldn’t stop. And then another, as he turned Spock over onto his stomach, leaned into him and penetrated the tight opening as gently as he could. He stilled at the first gasp from Spock’s lips. He didn’t want to rush or hurt him. This was his best friend, the man he loved - would *always* love. But he felt incredible. That warm flesh tight around him, he could barely resist the urge to push deeper inside of him. He’d never felt like this before. His whole body was on fire, with a need he had denied for far too long. But he waited. For Spock, he waited.

“I just want it to be good for you,” Kirk said softly.

“Please Jim, do not stop. I want this. I want *you,*” Spock whispered hoarsely.

Kirk felt his tears then, hot on his face. Felt lean hips push up against him, taking him in all the way. Then moving slowly, steadily, kissing Spock tenderly on the nape of his neck. Kirk shifted their bodies sideways a little, and reached around his lover to stroke his growing arousal, while gently pushing into him, feeling Spock moving with him now, as if they were one being. The only sounds in the tiny room - their ragged breaths, and Kirk`s muffled voice, moaning his lover’s name. He was lost in him. And there was no way back. The last of his control slipping away, like something breaking, finally setting him free.

“God, Spock! I love you –“ His voice broke off as he cried out, burying his face in the velvet black hair, now damp with his tears.

The Vulcan groaned underneath him, from the pain and pleasure that filled him, that consumed him, with all that was James Kirk. And as he felt the human’s release, hot inside of him, and then his own, he knew, that this beautiful man was indeed his, in every way.

******

They lay like that for a long time, until Kirk felt his weight was too heavy on Spock, and so he shifted to one side. Spock turned over and took him into his arms, longing to taste his lips again. And so he did.

“I did not know it could be like that,” Spock said softly. “I have never known such joy”

“I know. It’s the same for me,” Kirk replied.

“I wish to touch you in that way also, Jim.”

Kirk grinned at that thought, and wrapped his arms tighter around his lover. Their hearts, beating like one. Their thoughts, connected through the link…

// Oh yes, my friend, I look forward to that //

// It has always been you, t’hy’la. I could be with no other //

They found peace that night, in each other’s arms. A gift, that had eluded both of them for what seemed like their whole lives. They held on tight to that feeling, that moment, when nothing else in the world mattered, except the warmth of their breaths on each other.

And for the first time, since coming to this alien world, James Kirk felt at home, just as he did on Earth. Felt contentment at the day’s end, for he was not alone. He could smile now, at the stone darkness and the stillness that came, with the last light of T’khut…

And he would at last welcome, and look forward to, the long Vulcan night…



~End~