Title: The Long And Winding Road – Amok Time Addendum section

Author/pseudonym: sjr

Fandom: Star Trek: The Original Series

Pairing: Kirk/Spock

Rating: Probably PG, since there’s only cuddling and mild foreplay; but let’s say R to be safe

Status: New—well, sorta. It’s never been posted anywhere before, but it’s been sitting around waiting to be finished (autor laughs hysterically at the mere notion that this might one day actually get finished) for about 10 years.

CRIT: I’m not sure whether there will be any additional versions of this but I would like some CONSTRUCTIVE critiques of this. Thanks.

Archive: Please include in the WWOMB and CkoS.

Series/Sequel: This is the beginning of an AU universe where K & S get together at the end of Amok Time and are a couple.

Other websites: none

Disclaimers: Paramount, Majel, Roddy(?), and maybe some other people own this show; just playing.

Notes: Other snippets already written include:

Their closest friends know from the beginning, the rest of the crew and Starfleet find out after they’ve told their families in person; Sarek and Amanda in Journey to Bable and Carol and David on leave asap; in this AU, Kirk and Carol were together longer, so that he was more active in the pregnancy and birth and when the relationship was over, was able to convince Carol that he should be a part of David’s life as long as he promises not to glorify the Fleet.

In the future, Kirk, unfamiliar with Vulcan adoption laws, adopts two of the Hellguard children; in this AU, Saavik is Romulan for the pregnancy/experiment number and kam (from Wrath of Kahn) and kom are analogous to the letters A and B, so that Kirsty and Robin are twins and we have two Saaviks. Saavik being a number designation plays a large role in the adoption.

Let me know if you’d like to see any of this; though these scenes aren’t as complete as the Amok Time Addendum.

Summary: What if being bonded was what drew Spock to Vulcan; though he didn’t want to go. What if what he needed was, almost, within arms reach? What if the fight didn’t end the //ponn farr// after all?

//indicates italics//

**indicates underlining**

<indicates mindspeach>

Warnings: First Time, AU, Spoilers for Amok Time, Rape and aftermath described from MP's viewpoint, Sympathic T'Pau ;)

THE LONG AND WINDING ROAD: Amok Time Addendum

by sjr

copyright 1991

* * * Unchanged scenes and dialog from "Amok Time" by Theodore Sturgeon * * *

Kirk was groggy and dis-oriented. He recognized the sounds of the life-signs monitors in sickbay, but what was he doing here? The last thing he remembered was the burning heat of Vulcan. Wait, Spock had been trying to kill him; but that couldn't be right - Spock trying to kill him? Suddenly it all came back. They had both been tricked by that bitch, T'Pring, into a fight to the death. But if he, Kirk, were here in sickbay that meant that he had killed Spock! NO!!!! He couldn't have; he **wouldn't** have! Besides, even during the //plak tow// Spock was far stronger that he, himself, was. Only somewhat relieved, Kirk struggled up through layers of what he now recognized as a drugged sleep. He had to be sure that Spock was ok.

Kirk focused again on the sounds of the monitors and using the sound like a ladder, forced himself up one rung at a time, until he could open he eyes. He hadn't heard McCoy in the background announcing his return to consciousness or ordering a stimulant. He barely felt the hypo hiss against his arm, but suddenly felt the molasses his brain had turned into thinning, until he regained his voluntary motor control enough to croak, "Spock?"

"Just a minute, Jim. All right everybody, show's over. Clear out and let the Captain get some rest." McCoy used his best 'Overbearing Doctor' voice to clear the room.

Kirk was struck by a new wave of fear at McCoy's stalling and tried to sit up, only to have McCoy hurry back over and forcibly retrain him. "Bones, where's Spock? What happened down there?"

"Don't worry, Jim, Spock's ok. I slipped you a mickey instead of the tri-ox compound and it worked better than I could'a hoped. Not only was I able to get both of you out of there alive, but Spock came out of the //plak tow// when he thought you were dead. Most amazing thing I ever saw, Jim; one minute he was more ferocious than a bobcat protecting her cubs, the next he was acting more Vulcan and composed than when we first met him." McCoy explained.

Kirk felt relief flood through him at McCoy's words but was puzzled. Where is he, Bones? Crisis allowing, he's always here when I wake up."

"He hasn't beamed back up. Doesn't even know you're alive, yet. I had to keep up the pretense 'til I had you back on board."

Kirk nodded. "If I know Spock, this will be his first stop when he gets back, so you'd better get out there and warn him. I didn't go through all this to keep him alive, just to kill him with the shock of my return from the grave." A small smile appeared as he thought of Spock's reaction to his miraculous resurrection.

"Will do, Jim. I'd find it a little hard to explain why the first officer died of shock just from seeing his captain, myself." He smirked.

* * *

Spock entered sickbay and approached McCoy resolutely. "Doctor, I shall be resigning my commission immediately, of course."

"Uh, Spock ..."

"So I would appreciate your making the final arrangements."

"Spock, I ..."

"Doctor, please let me finish. There can be no excuse for the crime of which I am guilty. I intend to offer no defense. Furthermore, I shall command Mr. Scott to take immediate command of this vessel."

Kirk, listening from the other room, realized that Spock wasn't going to allow McCoy to explain anything. Therefore, he would have to force the issue. It was proof, if any were needed, of the extent of Spock's distraction that he didn't hear Kirk come to stand in the doorway directly behind his sharp-eared (no pun intended) First Officer. "Don't you think you should check with me first?"

Spock spun at the sound of Kirk's voice. "Captain! ... Jim! !" Spock's smile was radiant and he even reached out to grasp Kirk's upper arms until he remembered that McCoy and Chapel were watching, dropped his hands and schooled his features into their customary mask. "I'm ...pleased ... to see you Captain. You seem ... uninjured. I am at something of a loss to understand it, however."

Kirk nodded in McCoy's direction. "Blame McCoy. That was no tri-ox compound he shot me with. He slipped in a Neural Paralyze Knocked me out. Simulated death."

Spock turned a gimlet eye on the beaming doctor. "Indeed."

McCoy decided that it was time to get some answers.. "Nurse, would you mind, please?" Chapel nodded and left.

"Spock, what happened down there? The girl? The Wedding?"

"Ah yes, the girl. Most interesting. It must have been the combat. When I thought I had killed the Captain, I found I had lost all interest in T'Pring. The madness was gone."

The intercom sounded and Kirk answered. "Kirk here."

Uhura's voice came over the speaker. "Captain Kirk, message from Starfleet Command, Top Priority."

"Relay it, Lieutenant."

"Response to T'Pau's request for diversion of Enterprise to planet Vulcan hereby approved. Any reasonable delay granted.--Komak, Admiral; Starfleet Command."

Kirk flipped the toggle off. "Well, a little late, but I'm glad they're seeing it our way. How 'bout that T'Pau; they couldn't turn her down."

Kirk reactivated the com. "Mr. Chekov, lay in a course for Altair VI. Leave orbit when ready; Kirk out."

McCoy couldn't resist--didn't even want to. "There's just one thing, Mr. Spock. You can't tell me that when you first saw Jim alive, that you weren't on the verge of giving us an emotional scene that would have brought the house down!"

Spock was affronted and not showing it, of course. "Merely my quite logical relief that Starfleet had not lost a highly proficient captain."

Kirk was willing to accept the 'logical reasoning'; if only he could keep the grin off his face. "Yes, ... Mr. Spock; I understand."

"Thank you, Captain."

McCoy's voice was drier than Luna. "Of course, Mr. Spock; your reaction was quite logical."

"Thank you, Doctor."

Kirk and Spock had turned and headed for the door when McCoy's parting salvo hit. "In a pig's eye!" Both men did a double-take that included their entire bodies. They stood and almost gaped at McCoy who turned and glanced a challenge at them. Kirk declined to take up the gauntlet and headed out the door with very few parting words.

"Come on, Spock, let's go mind the store." It was the safest reply Kirk could think of and Spock, also, apparently had had his fill of battles for the day since his only response was to follow Kirk out.

Once they had achieved the privacy of the turbo-lift, however, Spock allowed himself to gaze in relieved wonder at his captain. "Jim, I **am** pleased to learn that you were not injured. It ... pained me, deeply, to have caused your death."

Kirk rested his hand briefly on Spock's shoulder as he replied. "I know, Spock. But do me a favor, huh? Next time I attend a Vulcan ceremony, warn me first if I might have to try and kill someone?" Kirk allowed a teasing smile to escape.

Spock pulled himself stiffly upright, "Do not worry, Captain, I shall endeavor to see that no similar incidents occur." Spock appeared to be the epitome of abused Vulcanhood; however, Kirk could see the laughter dancing in his eyes and the effect was ruined.

"See that it doesn't, Mister!" Likewise, Kirk's blustering was belied by the grin spreading across his face.

"Play for me tonight?" The change in subject was abrupt, but not illogically so. Kirk had often said that he found Spock's playing to be soothing. He obviously wished to relax and, at the same time, enjoy the friendship that had nearly been lost today. Spock nodded, "If you like, Jim. After- dinner?"

"That sounds about right. I've got to write some creative fiction tonight and that'll take a couple of hours." Kirk's grin returned full-force, lighting up his face like a sun rising. "For once a report I'm going to enjoy; explaining to Komack--Admiral; Starfleet, without explaining a thing, why I disobeyed his direct order and am now getting away with it." The vengeful look in Kirk's eyes would have better suited a Klingon whose ancestry you had just described in less-than-glowing terms. "Does 20:00 hours sound ok?"

"20:00 hours will be fine, Jim. But I would advise that you appear somewhat more diplomatic when you report to the Admiral. Unconcealed glee at a superior officer's mischance has, I believe, been detrimental to more than one career in the past and I have no facts to support a change in attitudes at this time." A small smile, barely more than a quick twitching of the lips appeared and was gone. "I will see you tonight."

The 'lift doors opened and both men stepped out and assumed their duty stations.

* * *

Kirk sat lost in thought, completely oblivious to the bridge around him. He couldn't settle his mind to the events of the last few days. The memory of the interrogation he had had to force on Spock would not go away. For some reason his mind would not stop worrying at the expression of agony in Spock's eyes when Kirk had taken his hand, seen the uncontrolled trembling that shook it. Kirk understood that agony now as he had not been able to before, but that was not what was nagging him.

It was something else, something yes! The relief in those same eyes as Spock jerked his hand away and the contact was broken. In fact, now that he thought about it, each time that Spock had become aware of his presence, he had seemed to become even more tense and controlled than the moment before. He had not noticed Spock reacting to anyone else in a similar manner, therefore something about Kirk, himself, had upset Spock. He couldn't imagine what it was, but he'd try to find out tonight.

That settled somewhat to his satisfaction, Kirk thought again of the despair he had felt when Spock had announced that T'Pring, (BITCH!), was his wife. Kirk had always known that that day would come, but had not been prepared for it when it had. He had been glad, of course, that Spock would not die; but even in the midst of the crisis, he couldn't help hoping that somehow Spock would turn to him. Kirk **knew** it was a pipe dream but that didn't mean that he could exorcise it. With a sigh that the rest of the bridge crew carefully didn't notice, Kirk firmly pushed his illogical fantasies to the back of his mind and glanced at the chronometer. Just enough time for a full status check before shift change.

* * *

Spock sat in his darkened cabin and reflected on the unpalatable truth he had learned about himself. It had only been the link with T'Pring which had drawn him, unwillingly, back to Vulcan; and he had raged that that link should exist, should separate him from the one he truly desired as his mate. Now, however, he was grateful that the link had prevented him from inflicting a crime humans considered worse than murder on his t'h--no! control!!--on his captain.

He was also grateful that Nurse Chapel had interrupted him when she had, otherwise he might have revealed his secret to her. Luckily, she had taken his ramblings as an invitation to her and not as the beginning of his internal argument to steal his mate as in Ancient days.

In error, he had hidden from his true nature long enough; it was not that his Vulcan blood was thin as T'Pau had implied, but that it was too strong. He was obviously a throwback to Vulcan's Ancient past, when Warriors mated with each other and served as protection for Clan, Chief, and later planet. How else could he explain his career in Starfleet and, even more, his attraction to another Warrior?

The internal alarm he had set went off and Spock hurriedly composed himself. Kirk would arrive in minutes and must not see the turmoil; it might cause awkward questions.

The door buzzed quickly once and startled Spock. He had expected Kirk to be early, but not by this much. He took a deep breath, let it trickle out and called "Come."

Kirk entered slowly and said, "I know I'm early, Spock. If I'm interrupting, I can come back."

Spock was appalled at the flame that rose in him at the sight of Kirk. The //ponn farr// should be done; finished.

Kirk couldn't be sure in the dim lighting, but he thought he saw a smile as Spock answered. "No, Jim, stay. You are not interrupting." However, Spock's voice was tight with strain; and as Kirk came closer, he saw that the 'smile' was instead a grimace.

As Kirk rushed to cover the remaining distance to Spock's chair, he saw a great struggle taking place on his friend's face. Kirk was more than concerned; he had only seen such anguish on Spock's face once, during the incident with the 'alcohol virus'. To see it now, so soon after this crisis of 'Vulcan biology' made him turn quickly to the intercom on the desk behind him. Spock's voice stopped him cold. "Kroykah! Jim, please leave. I must gain control!"

"I'm not going to leave you like this! You need help!"

"The best help you can give is to leave!; now!!" Spock's voice was rough with strain and his eyes were filled with hatred and disgust.

Kirk backed slowly away, "Spock, what is it? Have I done something?"

The pain in Kirk's voice went straight to Spock's supposedly non-existent heart. He couldn't bear to see Kirk hurt. "No Jim ... not your fault. Cravings, ... CONTROL ... unwanted ... desires! NO! CONTROL!!

Kirk listened in horror to the proof that Spock had, somehow, come to know of his desires and saw again the hatred and disgust in those beloved eyes. "Oh, God, NO!"

Spock flinched at Kirk's exclamation and ducked his head in his shame at allowing Kirk to know of this; he heard Kirk step towards him uncertainly, but could not bear what he would see in that expressive face. "Please go."

Should he? Just leave without a word of explanation? Spock seemed so beaten, but who could blame him? He finally allows himself to care about someone only to find out that this supposed friend wants to sleep with him! He'll never trust anyone again, and it's my fault. I've got to do something, say something--convince him not to withdraw again.

"Spock?" It shattered his already broken heart when Spock flinched at the sound of Kirk's voice saying his name. "I know that after what I've done, you'll never want to see me again; so just listen this one last time and I'll go away. If you want, I'll sign your transfer. Of course, you deserve your own command and I'll get you one if you prefer that."

'After what he'd done?' Kirk was taking the blame for even this. But Kirk's promise to leave was no solace now, only an unendurable pain.

Spock could not stop the tears that gathered in his eyes and leaked down his face; nor could he control the wracking sobs that shook him. He was so tired; and afraid that if Kirk walked out the door, Spock would never see him again. At that thought he could no longer hold in the sobs that had been shaking him and the sound of his agony finally brought Kirk's attention back to him.

Kirk shook himself out of his desperate search for something, anything to convince Spock to stay and rushed to him. "Oh God, Spock, don't; please don't: Come 'ere? Let me hold you? I won't try anything; I promise. I just can't stand to see you this way; God, why did you have to find out?"

Spock was curled up in Kirk's lap. The combined emotions of the past week, tonight's draining confrontation and the safety of being in Kirk's arms had almost lulled Spock to sleep when that last, rhetorical, question sank in. "Find out what, Jim?"

Kirk tensed in shocked surprise at the unexpected question and Spock trembled as the waves of unprepared-for emotions washed over his exhausted body. "Shh, it's ok, Spock." Kirk's tone was gentle, but relentless, "I'm curious; how did you find out, anyway?"

Kirk's need for an answer pulled Spock back to a mostly-conscious state. "Find out what?" Spock was bewildered by the persistence he felt in Kirk. "Do you mean what I ... said earlier?" Spock's voice had dwindled until it was barely louder than the silence surrounding them.

Kirk nodded, "Was it in sickbay? Is that when you found out?"

Spock shook his head slightly and tried to hide his face from Kirk. "It was ... I have known for quite some time, but, I would not ... could not-- ... acknowledge it to myself. However, the events of the past week have been sufficient to force me to acknowledge it. But I can deal with this, Jim; I do not wish to leave."

Kirk hugged Spock tighter to himself in gratitude and sighed. "What about you, Spock, if it ever got out? Could you deal with the embarrassment that would cause?" Kirk wanted Spock to stay more than anything else in the universe, but he had to be sure Spock wouldn't be hurt.

Spock trembled at the thought that. his secret might become public knowledge but he wanted--needed to--spend the time left to him close to Kirk. He had to take that chance, no matter what he, himself, suffered. 'You would never speak of this, Jim, so I do not see how it could be discovered; however, I have found that such things are 'nine-day-wonders', I believe is the term. It would only be a matter of waiting until the next wonder came along."

"Of course I wouldn't say anything; I couldn't do that to either one of us. But I'm still not sure, Spock. Are you? Absolutely sure; past any doubt? Can you imagine the reaction if it got out that James TOMCAT Kirk was in love with his male, Vulcan first officer?"

Spock went deathly-still in Kirk's arms. Jim was not a cruel man; in fact, Spock could only recall one occasion when Jim had set out to deliberately hurt another being. And even though the events at the Sandoval colony had certainly merited those actions, Jim still felt guilty about it. It was inconceivable that at this moment his personality would suddenly shift 180 degrees; therefore, the only logical reason for Jim to say such a thing was because it was true. Spock pulled slightly away from Kirk's embrace. He had to see Jim's face, had to know. "Jim?"

Now it was Kirk who turned his face away. "I'm sorry; I shouldn't have said that. I didn't mean to embarrass you; you've been so understanding already."

Spock felt as if a sun had gone nova in his abdomen. It was somehow, unbelievably, illogically true! "Jim? Please look at me and say it again."

Kirk's head whipped around so fast Spock was afraid he would injure himself. "Spock? What did you say?"

"I asked you to please look at me and repeat your previous statement. I wish to see your eyes when you say you love me. And I wish you to see mine."

Kirk's face looked like a sunrise as he realized what Spock had said. "I love you, Spock. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love ..."

Spock knew the joy shining in Jim's eyes was matched by that in his own, but he was impatient and placed a finger on Jim's mouth. It was his turn to say the words that he had thought never to speak. "Jim, I cannot say 'I love you'. I do not know if that is what I feel; so I will tell you what I do know.

"As we grew closer, I came to begrudge T'Pring her right to stand always between us.

"I knew that some humans regard same sex marriages as a perversion and that you are attracted to women; however I could not put these feelings aside. To my shame I realized that I did not **want** to.

"A part of me dies each time you. put yourself in danger, until I know that you are safe again.

"In Ancient Times Warriors pledged to be guard and shield to their bondmates as we have been to each other; even during the //plak tow// when I should have known only T'Pring and that someone stood to challenge my right to her, I was drawn to your protection.

"When I thought you were dead, and at my hands; I felt such pain as I have never known. There was no physical injury but I knew that I had received a mortal strike nonetheless.

"And I **know** that I cannot live without you near, my //t'hy'la//." Spock's words were alternately hesitant and rushed, showing the care he took in choosing each word and the relief and joy of finally being able to say them aloud to the one person who should hear them.

Kirk gathered Spock close again. "Spock that is the most beautiful way that anyone has ever said they loved me; and the most welcome. But what was that vulcan word--t'hy'la? I like the way you say it, like a caress; what does it mean?"

"It is ... an Ancient term of endearment. It refers to a very close friend, a brother, or a lover."

Kirk leaned down slowly and touched his lips softly, almost reverently to Spock's as he pulled the Vulcan into a closer embrace.

"Jim, please don't." Spock's voice was a mixture of fear and desperation.

"What is it? You know I won't hurt you. I won't do anything, I promise; I just want to hold you and feel you next to me."

"No, you don't understand. I trust you, but I cannot trust myself close to you. I am still in the //ponn farr//. I would ... force you."

"What! And you didn't tell me? Do we need to go back'?" Kirk was reaching for the communicator when Spock stopped him.

"The link with T'Pring is severed. I am no longer drawn ... to Vulcan. I would like to spend as much time with you as possible before I must be locked away."

"What do you mean 'locked away'?"

"The madness will progress as before; however, since I no longer have a bondmate I will enter the //plak tow// and become a danger to the ship--and to you. I will not allow this to happen."

"You said earlier that the combat was the reason you escaped the //plak tow//, but that wasn't the truth, was it? It was ... **my** ... 'death' . Spock you wouldn't have to force me; I love you and want you.

"I'm attracted to beautiful people, Spock, not just. attractive women; although I'll admit I've probably carried the 'woman in every port' image a bit too far. I was desperate for a distraction; something or someone to help me forget that you were on the other side of that wall.

"And regardless of what some narrow-minded humans think about same-sex 'relationships **I've** never been one of them; I've **had** a couple of encounters with men; circumstances didn't allow either of them to develop into a relationship, and I'm glad now that they didn't. They were just enough to whet my appetite for you; and believe me, I've got a **huge** appetite right about now! I will not allow you to die, period."

"Jim, I could not bear to kill you ... again!" Spock buried his face in his hands to hide the pain from Kirk.

"No Spock, don't hide from me. Don't shut me out; I couldn't bear that." Kirk gently drew Spock's hands down. "Now, what makes you think you're going to kill me?"

"Jim, I am much stronger than you. You would be completely defenseless against me. The only outcome to what. you suggest is your own death."

"If what you say is true, then why is the Lady Amanda still alive? Wait ..., I thought awareness of everything but the challenge was ignored. How did you know that I was dead?"

"I felt you die. Your thoughts stopped and I knew I had killed you."

"Reach out, now; do you feel my thoughts?"

"No Jim I can't feel you at all."

"Then that's the problem, Spock; as well as the answer! McCoy's neural paralyzer is still blocking our link.

I knew something was making me itchy, but I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong. And even feeling my touch, my kiss, you can't believe that I'm real because you can't touch my thoughts. But if we're melded, you can't doubt me and you can't hurt me, because you'll be me." Kirk reached out and grasped Spock's trembling hand, gently guiding it to his face, carefully arranging the fingers in the correct position. "Spock, do it. You have to **know** that I'm here, that I'm real." An impish smile stole across Kirk's face. "Besides, I miss you being in there."

Spock shook with the effort it took to control his instinctive reaching for the only mind that would complete him. "Jim, this is dangerous. I do not have the control that you are used to. I may not be able to stop myself from forming the full Bond; and I do not know what effect it might have on you. There are very few Human/Vulcan Bondings and the adult Bond itself is never spoken of. I cannot risk your life."

Spock tried to regain control of his hand but Kirk pressed the fingers to his face, refusing to let Spock accept defeat without even trying. "Spock, my life is very important to me; I would not have lived this long if it weren't. But I **am not** going to let you kill the most important thing in my life because of a few risks. I will not allow you to lie down and die without trying! //t'hy'la//, please do this for me."

Spock's voice was raw with pain, "Jim don't ask me to be responsible for your death; not again! I could not bear it!"

Kirk sighed, let Spock's hand drop and turned away from the person who meant more to him than life itself. It looked like he was going to have to play dirty pool, after all.

At the sound of a sob, Kirk turned back, wrapped his arms around Spock's shivering body and without warning, karate chopped the Vulcan's main nerve plexus. Completely unprepared, Spock took the full brunt of the blow and draped over Kirk's shoulder in a fireman's carry. It took all of Kirk's strength to stand again and carry Spock to the bedroom.

When Kirk had carefully put Spock down on the bed, he noticed that Spock was not unconscious, but that he had been effectively paralyzed.

He sat beside Spock and took the Vulcan's hands in his own. "I'm sorry, Spock, but I had to. I can't just watch you die without trying to stop it. I have to know that I--we--tried everything. I'll be back as soon as I can, I've got to get some things together." Spock's hands twitched at that statement and Kirk realized he had less time than he'd thought. "Don't worry, I'm not going any further than the next room, but I've got to use the intercom to have the stuff delivered. I won't be long, I promise." Reluctantly, Kirk returned Spock's hands to the bed, hurried back to the desk and activated the intercom. "Kirk to McCoy."

The three second delay seemed more like years, "McCoy here, what's up, Jim'?"

Using his best 'Because I'm The Captain, That's Why' voice, Kirk gave McCoy a list of supplies and told him to bring them to Spock's cabin. "And make it snappy, huh, Bones? Kirk out."

"Kirk to Scott."

"Scott here."

"I'11 explain later, but you're officially in charge until I relieve you. I'll enter it in the log from here."

"Sair!?"

"Explanations later Scotty. Kirk out."

"Computer ... identify."

"Working ... Kirk, James T.; Captain, //U.S.S. Enterprise//; serial numb ..."

"Stop. Computer, Captain's Log; record from last entry."

"Working ... log entry activated."

Kirk pushed the record button on the communicator. "Captain's Log: Supplemental: Due to unforeseen difficulties, resulting in our recent stop-over at Vulcan, at T'Pau's request; Commander Spock has been granted some of his much-deserved, little-used leave-time.

"Unfortunately, I did not listen to McCoy's advice and was not properly acclimated for my visit to Vulcan. I'm paying for it now with a case of heat exhaustion and sunstroke. It is therefore necessary that Lieutenant Commander Scott be placed in command of the //Enterprise// until I have recovered. Chief Medical Officer's report to be appended to this entry." With another push of the button to pause the recording, Kirk said, "Computer hold that file;" just as the door buzzed. Kirk called "Come" even as McCoy was stepping into the room. "Bones, I need you to write a report proving that I have sunstroke and heat exhaustion to be added to the official log."

"What in blazes is goin' on Jim?"

Kirk relieved McCoy of his bundle as he replied. "Just a scientific: experiment, Bones."

"What kind of experiment needs 'the slickest antibiotic lotion you've got', end quote?"

"Comparative biology."

It. took only a moment for the meaning of this double-talk to sink in.

"WHAT!? I thought Spock was over his ... compulsion. Why aren't we heading back to Vulcan. And why are **you** ... uh ... ah 'volunteering"?"

"It wasn't the combat that brought Spock out of the //plak tow//; it was feeling me die."

"In the state he was in, Spock couldn't have felt a two-ton brick dropped on his head, Jim; so how did he feel you die?" McCoy was clearly skeptical.

"It was mental; the neural paralyzer blocked my thoughts, made me feel dead mentally. And before you ask, it was a locator thing; something like the tracers used to track animal migrations. But taking Spock back to Vulcan wouldn't do any good; his link with T'Pring is gone.

What he ... needs--and wants--is here. I want it too, Bones; I've wanted it for a long time. Curiosity satisfied?; good, now GO! And get that report faked up and on record as soon as you can; I've got the log entry giving Scotty command all prepped and waiting for it."

McCoy was grinning from ear to ear. "Well, I'll be damned! 'Course, I don't know why I'm surprised; I shoulda' seen this common'. Tell Spock I said congratulations; to **both** of you." McCoy stopped as he realized that he had not seen Spock. "Where is he, anyway?"

Kirk nodded towards the other room. "He's lying down, resting; this past week's put him through hell. I'll Give him your message; SO: GET OUT!"

"I'm goin'; I'm goin'. I can tell when I'm not wanted, thank you very much." McCoy headed for the door, the grin still plastered to his face. "Oh, **doctor** Kirk, when do you diagnose you'll be fit for command? A guess-timate is usually part of the report."

"Oh, I'll probably be too sick to do more than wish I'd followed my doctor's advice for at least a week and a half.''

"I get to show I've got brains but no backbone, huh? You owe me one, Jim, a big one."

"Done." Kirk smiled slightly at McCoy's antics as the doctor left. As soon as the door closed behind McCoy, Kirk got back to work.

"Computer ?"

"Working ..."

"Computer, engage and retain the lock on this cabin until l countermand this order; code L3-321."

"Working ... lock engaged, code L3-321 accepted."

"Computer, disengage medical override to this cabin; code M3-O3-321."

"Working ... medical override disengaged, code M3-O3-321 accepted."

"Computer, do not accept any order from the processor which is inimical to either vulcan or human metabolisms; code F3-P3-321."

"Working ... menu options selected, code F3-P3-321 accepted."

"Computer, has McCoy filed a CMO's Report to be appended to the official log?"

"Working ... Chief Medical Officer's report being filed now."

"Computer, replay last log entry." Kirk listened closely as his voice issued from the speaker and nodded. "Computer, save log entry."

"Working ... log entry saved."

"Thank you, Computer off."

Kirk was headed back into the bedroom, with the bundle McCoy had brought, when he heard Spock's whispered plea, "C ... c ... cold."; and hurrying into the bedroom, saw the uncontrolled trembling of Spock's body. Quickly grabbing a blanket, Kirk covered Spock and climbed in to give extra heat, even as he spoke. "Computer: Emergency temperature adjust--40 degrees Celsius; this cabin only.

"Working ..."

"I'm sorry, Spock. I didn't think and I should have. Damn, I'm sorry." Kirk buried his face against Spock's chest in repentance,

"Jim, it is all right; I am not injured." Spock's voice was getting stronger by the moment. "And having you hold me more than makes up for that slight a discomfort."

There was a small smile on Spock's face when Kirk looked up in surprise at this unexpected statement and Kirk could only grin back in delight. "I love your smile; did you know that?"

"I did not, but it pleases me that I please thee." Testing his returning motor control, Spock carefully moved his arms to embrace Kirk. There was a teasing glint in Spock's eyes when he continued. "Jim, I

believe that an order to shut up would have been sufficient."

Both men ignored the computer's "Emergency temperature adjustment complete."

"No, Spock, it wouldn't have been.

I've ordered the door locked and only I can release it. I even disengaged the medical override. You'd have stopped me if you'd known about it in time."

There was alarm in Spock's face now. "Why? Why did you do this?"

"Because you wouldn't listen to me and you still aren't. So I had to **make** you listen. How do you think I'd feel; watching you die and knowing I might have been able to prevent it? Spock, suppose it was the other way around; suppose I were the one who was going to die. Would you give up on me if helping me might kill you?"

Spock opened his mouth to speak, but Kirk put a finger over his lips to silence him. "I already know the answer, but I had to make you understand the question. I don't have a choice where you're concerned; I haven't for a long time. But then, I haven't noticed that you have a choice, either; so I guess we're in this together. And losing you would kill me Spock, as surely as vacuum. Bones' scanners couldn't tell the difference, but, just the same", Kirk pulled Spock's hands to his chest and placed them over his heart, "I'd be dead in here. Do you. want me to live with the pain you felt this morning?" Spock flinched at the question and Kirk knew he had finally made Spock understand. "I locked the doors as an insurance policy, just in case I couldn't convince you."

"I understand, now, Jim. I ... the only thing which kept me functional was my duty to you and to **your** ship. Once in the brig I would have taped my confession, then stopped all my bodily functions. I will accede to your demands--and my own--once I have recovered completely; but I must warn you, my response will be dramatic. I will have little control and might cause you pain, especially at the beginning."

"Hmmm." Kirk thought for a moment. "I think I know of a way to solve that problem, but I have to know something first. Can you get an erection, now, before we bond?"

Spock's face flushed and he looked ready to die of embarrassment, but he nodded. "Yes; I am always functional. It is only fertility, which causes the //ponn farr//, that occurs every seven years." Spock looked up in amazement. "Jim, did you think I was only capable once every seven years? You were willing to Bond with me, even thinking that?"

"No Spock I wasn't willing; I was eager. Don't forget, I've met your very human mother and there's nothing frustrated about her. I knew we'd be ok, too, sex or no sex; although I will admit that I'm delighted by the news.

"Now, let me tell you my idea, ok? First, we'll go ahead and make love; then after you're inside me and I'm all stretched out, we'll form the Bond. That way we won't need to worry about having to go slow when the //ponn farr// takes over. Does that sound like it might work?"

Spock smiled; clearly Jim thought the question rhetorical. "It does sound promising, Jim, in several ways."

"Why Mr. Spock, I don't believe I've ever heard you use a double-entendre before. I like it; and I **love** you." Kirk leaned forward and kissed Spock longingly. "How long before you're recovered enough Spock?"

"I am fully recovered now, Jim; however, I enjoy just holding you. Could we not wait awhile?"

"I love it too, Spock; but didn't Bones say something about a time factor?"

"I will be able to maintain control for some time." Spock almost seemed reluctant.

"But wouldn't it be better to start while you can control?" Kirk got another idea. "Spock, are you a virgin?"

Spock hid his face and nodded.

"But I thought- you and Leila Kalomi ..., never mind that's not important now. Spock look at me." Hesitantly Spock raised his head as Kirk continued. "Don't be afraid, ok? I'll take care of you. And I won't let anything hurt you, I promise. Will you let me show how much I love you'? Please?"

"What if I cannot please thee? What if I do not know how?"

"Spock, you will; you'll feel what I'm feeling; you'll know because you'll **feel** it please me,"

"But, before the Bond, I won't know what to do. I will hurt you from not knowing."

"Spock, I'll tell you and show you. We psi-blind humans have to use words, but we manage. I want you Spock; please don't make me wait any longer; just holding you makes me hard."

"You'll help me; tell me what to do'?" Spock's voice was barely audible.

"I promise, Spock." Kirk sat and pulled Spock up. "First, we'll help each other with our clothes." Kirk unfastened Spock's shirt, slowly pulling it up and off; stopping to kiss each bit of newly exposed skin on the way.

"OH! JIM!!" Spock could not control himself as Kirk's lips touched his fevered skin.

When Kirk finally had Spock's shirt off, he leaned forward and kissed Spock hungrily; but Spock wrenched his head away, panting. "I cannot control, Jim. If you do that again, I will initiate the Bond too soon." Spock looked and sounded miserable at denying Kirk.

"Spock, it's ok. I won't do it again; at least not 'til we're linked, ok?"

"But you wanted this touch, I could feel your need."

"Spock, I need to touch you everywhere, all over; that's what you felt."

"You are sure?"

"Absolutely." Kirk nodded.

"Then I believe it is my turn to help you." It sounded like a promise, but by the time Spock had Kirk's shirt off; he knew it for the threat it was. "God, Spock, you don't need any lessons. If you hadn't stopped when you did, we'd have had to postpone things a little 'til I recovered."

"Did I hurt your?"

"No, Spock; I'm fine." Kirk was quick to reassure. "That was a lousy choice of words. I meant that we'd have to wait while I became aroused again." Kirk took Spock's hand and lifted it to his kiss. "I've never been so close to corning from foreplay in my life!"

Spock's smile was radiant. "I pleased thee?"

"You most certainly did. You're a very fast learner, //t'hy'la//. Ready for your next lesson?" Kirk's tone was playful as he reached for the fastening of Spock's pants.

* * *

As the heat engulfed him, Kirk remembered suddenly where he was and why the forest was on fire; the storm had been a really bad one and lightning had struck several trees up on the ridge; the noise had been deafening and as he watched, the fire had swept closer and closer to his tree house. The place where he kept the things that were most precious to him; the letters and holos of starships his father sent just for him, his membership card in the Star fleet Junior Cadets, and his stories about when he grew up and was THE CAPTAIN.

He couldn't let it all burn up so he'd waited 'till Mom had her back turned and snuck out to go save it; he'd even thought to grab a carry-all to put it in, only now it looked like he needed saving. He could still jump into the river that ran under the tree, but the carry-all he'd grabbed was the leaky one, and if he jumped, all his stuff would still get ruined. The flames were getting closer again and he knew he'd have to move further up the ladder; it was a good thing Mom'd gotten her way, and the ladder was metal instead of the wood and rope 'carpentry' one that he and Sam had built and she had vetoed.

It. was only when he turned away from the advancing flames and saw the sleeve of his uniform that the nagging strangeness became clear; he was an adult and he was dreaming that he, as an adult, was caught in the forest fire that he'd barely escaped as a seven year old. He was somewhat surprised, in some distant omniscient part of himself, that his mind had dredged up this particular dream; true it had been a recurring one, but he hadn't had it since he was ten.

When he realized that he was dreaming, the carry-all faded from his sight as if it had been beamed away and Spock faded in (he didn't need McCoy to tell him what **that** meant), which gave him an idea; carefully holding on with one hand Kirk reached for his communicator only, to find nothing in it's usual place on his belt. Looking up he could see that Spock's was missing as well and he felt a surge of anger. "Damn; well nothing else for it, we'll have to get out of this the same way I did as a kid." The all-knowing observer in his head reminded him of the fate that had met his childhood treasures and he resolved to make sure that Spock came through this in one piece.

Kirk took another quick look at the flames chasing him--them up the tree and yelled for Spock to climb higher, but Kirk couldn't even hear his own voice over the roar of the fire, so he touched Spock's leg and when he had the Vulcan's attention, gestured him up the ladder, then onto the limb at the top of it. Spock nodded and climbed quickly, Kirk just behind him. When they had both reached the limb, Kirk pantomimed walking along it and jumping into the river below; Spock didn't look thrilled with the idea, but when questioned couldn't come up with a better one. Carefully, they navigated the limb until it was bending dangerously with their weight, clasped hands tightly and jumped.

The shock of the icy water enveloping him woke Kirk instantly and he sat up abruptly, eyes searching the red-lit dimness for a full second before he remembered where he was, and why. Kirk turned to see Spock moving restlessly and realized that he was still caught in the dream. Leaning over, he took one of Spock's hands in one of his, reached up to stroke Spock's face with the other and alternately nibbled on and whispered in Spock's ear. "Spock ..., c'mon Spock, wake up ...; Spock you're dreaming, one of those Fever Dreams you told me about ...; Spock it's me, Jim; wake up, Spock.

Finally, just as Kirk was getting worried enough to call McCoy, Spock's eyes snapped open; he grabbed Kirk by the upper arms and rolled, pinning Kirk to the mattress, lifted up on elbows and knees and shifted his hold to Kirk's calves. Spock's intent was crystal clear and while tine idea appealed to Kirk (he was already feeling that familiar tingle starting in his stomach), he didn't think he'd enjoy the beginning Spock's Fever was driving him toward.

Kirk didn't try to resist, just put his hands lightly on Spock's arms and rubbed up and down as he spoke, "//T'hy'la//, let me get the lotion, I want to love you for hours, but we'll both get sore if we don't use it."

Spock paused and Kirk, eyes finally adjusted to the darkness, saw that Spock hadn't truly come out of the Dreams, he'd just started acting them out.

"Spock, //t'hy'la//, let me show you how much I want you." Kirk moved his hands to Spock's upper arms, making no sudden moves that might be misunderstood by the Dream clouding Spock's mind, pulled himself up until he was pressed as close as he could be against Spock and wrapped his legs around Spock's waist when Spock released them. Spock sat back on his heels and wrapped arms of steel around Kirk's back as Kirk repositioned himself. Now that he didn't need his hands to hold his position, Kirk reached up and grabbed Spock on each side of his face, fingers splayed, to pull Spock's lips to his own.

"T'hy'la, we can't, afford to let ourselves get sore when we can prevent it; we've still got a lot of the //ponn farr// to get through. Kirk pulled Spock's face down into a passionate kiss. "Let me ..."; Kirk was stopped when Spock suddenly let his arms drop and rose to his knees, dumping Kirk back on the mattress like a turtle on it's back.

Spock stared at Kirk for just a moment, a look of horror on his face, before scrabbling into the corner farthest froth the bed, knees drawn up in a fetal position and arms covering his bowed head.

"Spock!; Spock, what is it?" Kirk rushed to his bondmates' side and tried to pull Spock into his arms, but Spock resisted until Kirk had to content himself with gently stroking Spock's spasming shoulders. Spock, what did I do? Will you tell me, please? Did I hurt you? I didn't mean to; please tell me so I'll know better; please, //t'hy'la//?"

Spock tried to shrug away from Kirk's insistent hands and spoke raggedly, "How can you stand to be near me, to touch me, to call me //t'hy'la// after what I almost did? After I almost," his voice became a whisper, " raped you?"

"What?!?! Spock you can't believe that!

You are the most gentle person I know; there is no way you'll ever convince me that was attempted rape. Extreme, over-powering lust, yes; rape, **hell no!!** we just didn't let the pressure off in time and we went into a Fever Dream, but that's all it was!"

Spock wasn't convinced and continued to resist Kirk's efforts to get close. Kirk's voice was strained as he tried to explain. "I know what I'm talking about. When I was at the Academy I was on Security Detail one night when we found a girl, a first year cadet, who'd been raped. She was hiding in some bushes when we heard her whimpering and crying. I called out but after a choked-off gasp she quit making any noise at all.

"We tracked her by tricorder; it was just lucky my partner that Detail was female; I don't know how we'd have gotten her out of those bushes otherwise.

"She'd gone out with this guy, third date I think, who said that he had too much time and money invested to let her say no again; and he wanted to teach her not to be a 'cock-tease'; at least, that was his story when he was arrested.

"Turned out that he'd met her when he put in his Academy application and asked her out; he didn't pass the psych exams and had gotten the news just a coupla hours before their date.

"Psych review said that he'd managed to convince himself that the girl didn't want him in the Academy because she was dating another student and didn't want this other guy to find out she was dating someone else; that she'd pulled some strings to make sure he wasn't accepted.

"He beat her all over; his school ring cut through to the bone several times on her face; he broke about three of her ribs and cracked the rest; she was bleeding internally.

"Then he raped her vaginally, anally, even orally. When he got tired of that, he took a pocket knife and cut obscenities into her skin; then he 'autographed his masterpiece' with his initials, those were his exact words."

Kirk took a deep, deep breath before continuing. "I'11 never forget the look on that girl's face; she was terrified of every man who got within 500 feet of her; even her father, when he got to the hospital."

Kirk focused on Spock again. "You won't ever convince me that this was rape; and I won't let you believe it, either. Just now, this was about sex, plain and simple. Rape isn't about sex; it's about absolute power and control over another person against their wishes.

"Without laying a finger on either of us, T'Pring raped us both, Spock, and Stonn, too, now that I think about it. It's rape to force someone to go against every precept they believe in the way she did; it may have been of the spirit, the soul, but it was rape and you could never do that, much less physically rape someone." Kirk finally succeeded in his attempts to coax Spock into moving out of the corner far enough to allow Kirk to ease in beside him, not quite touching, just knowing that if they both inhaled at the same time they would.

"But, Jim, I had complete control; I am much stronger than you are. You did not have the strength to prevent what was happening, and when I ... regained my senses, I could clearly sense your hesitation. Jim,

much as you might think you should, you cannot hold yourself responsible for every action aboard this ship." Spock thought he understood Kirk's refusal to accept what was plainly the truth of the situation.

"Spock, how was I sitting when you came out of the Dream?" A greenish tinge started somewhere in the region of Spock's abdomen and slowly washed up to the tips of his ears. "Remember, last night you showed me Basic Vulcan Anatomy 101? If I'd wanted to, I could've had you incapacitated for half an hour, at least, with just one kick; but was I getting in position, getting the leverage I'd need?; no, I was, hopefully, doing a good impression of a vacuum machine.

"Yes, you had control, because I wanted you to have it. After the //ponn farr//'s over, **I'll** have control because **you** want it. That's not rape, it's being partners and loving each other.

"As for my hesitation, that was because I couldn't reach the lotion and you were so deep in the Dream you'd forgotten about it; I didn't want us both rubbed raw as soon as we got started. We can't afford it, especially this soon!"

The tenseness slowly but perceptibly leaked out of Spock's frame and he sagged against Kirk bonelessly; the contact electrified them both.

"Jim! I **need** ..." Spock was shaking now, and almost into another Dream.

"I know Spock; it'll only be a. moment." Kirk stood and helped Spock to his feet. "C'mon, that's it, just a couple more feet; there, that's right, lie down and hold my hand while I get the lotion."

"JIM!! Don't leave!!!" Spock fought his cramping muscles to get up and follow Kirk the few feet to where the bottle had mysteriously come to rest.

"Shh, I'm not Going to leave you; see, you've still got my hand; now watch; I'll stretch just a little and I've got it." He walked back to the bed on his knees and dove the last couple of inches to wind up lying half across Spock, his arms closing like a trap around the startled vulcan. "**And** I've got **you**."

Spock suddenly regained control of his body as he felt Kirk's press against him and a growl from his own throat startled them both as he rolled quickly and pinned Kirk beneath him.

"Spock! I didn't know you had it in you!"

At any other time Spock would have called Kirk's tone teasing, but just now he didn't care what it was. "Soon you will have it in you!" Spock's tone was in earnest.

"Good!" Spock took a very small instant to bask in the sheer, honest pride he felt at Kirk's purr before continuing with the business ... uh, pleasure at hand.

* * *

Kirk lay watching Spock sleep, watching his features soften from their composed mask into a little boys' face. Even in the grip of //ponn farr// he'd controlled as much as he could; but now Kirk was sure he would be able to pick out Spock's holo as a child from a group of every boy on Vulcan. He was startled when his grin turned into a yawn and decided that he'd better fix it so they couldn't sleep their way into another Fever Dream before he wound up dozing off.

"Computer ... Identify."

"Working ... Kirk, James T.; Captain, //U. S. S. Enterprise//; serial ..."

"Stop. Computer, this cabin only, full, continual medical scan of, myself and Commander Spock; you'll find our norms in the Chief Medical Officer's records. If either Spock or myself vary dangerously from those parameters, scan for McCoy and give him the current status of both myself and Spock, visually only; medical jargon and use no names or titles except McCoy's. In the event this program is activated, reinstate medical override on this cabin to McCoy only, then accept his commands completely, to the limit of this ship's or crew's safety; Code M3-03-321. Oh, it's ok to use auditory signals to get McCoy's attention, just don't verbalize our status at all or even print to screen if anyone is near enough to see--say within six feet.."

"Working ... medical files accessed ... dangerous levels in memory ... medical override reinstated if this program activated ... message parameters established."

"Computer, using that same scan, signal Red Alert in this cabin only, every three hours from when you detect Spock asleep. This use of the Alert is not to interfere with the system's normal functioning in any way." Kirk made sure to have the alarm based on Spock's patterns rather than his own; he would adjust to Spock's needs and sleep when he could. It wouldn't be the first time and it'd never had this kind of personal importance before, either.

"Working ... medical scan adjusted for Commander Spock's sleep patterns ... Red Alert tied into three hour countdown and confined to this cabin only ... normal functions of all systems unimpaired."

"Thank you, Computer off."

* * *

The sound of the Red Alert Klaxon going off woke Kirk instantly; he'd been expecting it, but just couldn't remember what the threat was and that worried him; he had to get to the Bridge. He sat up quickly and reached for his uniform when he noticed that he wasn't in his own cabin; it took less than a moment, then, to remember what the emergency was and he turned to see Spock struggling into his own uniform and grinned.

"Computer, cancel Red Alert and reset countdown." The piercing whoop of the Alert cut off instantly; Spock stared at Kirk in bewilderment.

"Computer state my last set of orders to you.

"Working ... Last set of orders from Kirk, James T.; Captain, //U. S. S. Enterprise//; serial number ..."

"Computer, without my complete service record, please."

"Last set of orders from Kirk, James T.; Captain, //U. S. S. Enterprise//. Number 1: Initiate a continual, complete medical scan of Captain Kirk and Commander Spock.

Number 2: Use medical files as comparisons; report dangerous variations to Chief Medical Officer McCoy.

Number 3: Use audio to get Chief Medical Officer McCoy's attention, if necessary, and report on the conditions of both Captain Kirk and Commander Spock visually in medical terminology when there are six or more feet separating Chief Medical Officer McCoy from other beings.

Number 4: If Condition Number 3 activated, reinstate Medical Override to this cabin to Chief Medical Officer McCoy only; follow Chief Medical Officer McCoy's instructions.

Number 5: Modify comparison of complete medical scans and medical files to note sleep patterns of Commander Spock.

Number 6: Tie Red Alert Klaxon to a three hour timer and start countdown when comparisons indicate Commander Spock asleep.

Number 7: Sound countdown-activated Red Alert Klaxon in Commander Spock's cabin only.

Number 8: All previous instructions are to be implemented so that the normal functioning of ship's systems is not changed or impaired in any

As the computer outlined the precautions Kirk had instituted, Kirk himself leaned back against the pillows and grinned at the expressions crossing Spock's face; first relief, followed by consternation for not thinking of it himself, then pride that Kirk had, and finally back to relief again. The computer wound down, "Thank you, Computer."

"Now, Spock, why don't you get back outta those and back over here where you belong, huh?" Kirk patted the mattress next to him in invitation.

Spock just stood where he was. "Jim I do not ... am not ...", his voice trailed off in embarrassment. Even now it was difficult to talk about.

"Spock, sex isn't the only reason for two people to be in bed together. I want to share the in-betweens, the befores and afters with you, too; times without the urgency. Just holding you, being close to you is as important to me as making love with you."

Despite Kirk's persuasiveness Spock hesitated. "Jim, the bed it's ...", it almost seemed that Spock would never finish another sentence.

Kirk was not daunted in the least. "I understand, I think; the bed is too much of a reminder of," Kirk paused dramatically, grinned and continued, "WHAT IS STILL TO COME!" His deliberate down-playing of the //ponn farr// caused a momentary, wistful grin from Spock. Kirk rose, went to the wall and pushed the release for the couch.

"Jim, this is just the beginning, it will get worse, more frequent and demanding. At the ... peak, the need may be constant for a number of hours, possibly as much as a day." Spock wanted to prepare Kirk for the worst, which would surely happen.

Kirk left the couch to let itself down and went to Spock, taking his hands and leading him back to the couch where he sat, pulling Spock down beside him and wrapping himself in Spock's arms. "I know it'll get more imperative, Spock; but do we have to dread it? I want this to be so good for you." Spock absently tightened his embrace and lowered his head to rub his cheek against Kirk's hair at that earnest declaration.

When he spoke, Kirk could hear the strain in Spock's voice.

"Jim as the need gets stronger, it will increasingly overpower everything else until, near the peak, I will not even notice the pleasure you are giving me, or even that. it is you, only the demands of the ... //ponn farr//." Spock's arms loosened their hold. "I would wish it. otherwise."

His hands drifted, almost of their own accord, over Kirk's body. "I want. to **know** the delight of your body pressed against me, to **feel**. the ecstasy you hold within you." Without warning, Spock's hand was tangled in Kirk's hair, pulling his head back to meet a demanding, possessive kiss.

When they finally had to come up for air, Kirk noticed that somehow Spock had managed to lie down and he had wriggled completely around to lie atop of and facing Spock.

"Spock what is it?" Kirk was surprised by the need in the kiss because he could feel through the Bond that Spock wasn't really aroused again yet.

"Jim, //t'hy'la//., I need to **know** that it is you; that you are here because you wish to be; that it is not T'Pring, who does not want me", Spock was crying as he continued; "that I have forced because she made me kill you. In the Dream, I saw her laughing as I stood over your body. I chased her and threw her down. The last thing I remembered before I awoke and saw **you** was raping her, and hearing your voice telling me to stop, to wait! I was so afraid that it wasn't a Dream, that I had hurt you! I'm afraid I still might, if I don't know it's you!" Spock had become almost incomprehensible through the sobs wracking his body.

Kirk pressed himself closer to Spock, held him tighter. "Shh; it's ok, Spock; it's ok. It was a Dream; you didn't really rape her; you've never done anything to hurt me. And I will never let her hurt you again; I'll kill her first." Kirk was deadly serious.

"No, Jim! I cannot let you compromise your beliefs for this!"

"'Spock, I will be thy guard and thy shield, as thee are mine; that none shall cause thee harm. I will endure no wrongs against thee, but will sustain thee beyond my last breath., for we are one.' I take my vows seriously, Spock; I will not let her hurt you again!"

"Jim, she no longer has any real power to hurt me; only through the Dreams; I am afraid that I will hurt you because I see her in them. As the peak approaches they will get stronger, until I am caught in them completely. My reality will **be** the Dreams."

"But I was pulled into a Fever Dream, too, Spock through our Bond. So if we were melded when the Dream hit; we'd be in the **same** Dream." Spock's eyes widened. "No way there could be any question of who you're with, if I'm banging and clanging in your attic."

Spock's eyes held awe as he stared at Kirk; there was no other word for it. "Jim what you suggest is very dangerous; in the Ancient Writings it is spoken of as an ideal, achievable only after decades of sharing the Bond, if then. Now it is barely contemplated; the possibility of losing our separate identities and becoming a single one is too great." Spock's words were adamant, but Kirk could see the longing in his eyes."

"What causes the blending of the personalities? And would the danger be more or less with a psi-null human?" Kirk had his teeth into this idea and was not about to let go easily.

"According to tine Ancients, the real danger is in the sharing of the final release of need; however I would not have the control to safely dissipate the Meld once I entered the Dream. And while you are not psi-null, the factor of your being human is incalculable; there is no precedent. Still it is too great a risk for us to take, Jim."

"Can we at least give it a try, now, before the Fever gets close, just to see what happens? I want to share this with you; I want to know how it feels when I touch you; I want to show you what your touch does to **me**. We'll still be able to dissolve the Meld, if we need to."

It was clear that Spock was tempted; but whether he would succumb to Kirk's brand emotional logic of the situation was not clear at all. Kirk tried to stack the deck. "//T'hy'la//, let me feel the pleasure I give you.."

"Jim, I don't know if I have the control necessary; the **need** is so strong; but I want to feel **your** need; I want to know that I please **thee**."

"You do, Spock, more than anyone else ever has." Kirk lifted Spock's hands to his face, then put his own to Spock's. "Let me show you?"

"Yes!!!" Spock tightened his grip on Kirk and Spock was there with him. Without warning, only a nanosecond later the all-consuming lust was there as well and they each pulled the other into a desperate, ravening kiss; the impact knocking fingers and hands flying. The only notice either took was to realize that now those fingers and hands could be applied, and well, to more than just faces.

* * *

The sensation of lying atop himself ended abruptly as Spock felt himself slide, the deck rushing up to meet him; he landed with a thud that reverberated through the cabin. Kirk propped up on an elbow and looked down to see shock fading into indignation on Spock's face and couldn't help bursting into laughter, increasing Spock's sense of being put upon. Kirk's laughter and Spock's looks fed off of each other until Kirk was reduced to helpless giggles and finally rolled off the couch himself, to land half-on and half-off of Spock. At the contact the Meld came to life again and Kirk snuggled into a more comfortable position from which to drift on the waves of feeling still coursing through them both.

"God, that was good!"

The remark, so unexpected, so un-Spock-like, pulled Kirk's thoughts back from their wanderings and he turned to stare up at Spock, whose face was wreathed in smiles.

Before he could say anything, the communicator in the outer room beeped and McCoy's voice could be heard; which was when Kirk remembered that he hadn't de-activated the Medical Override on the com system.

"Jim, you've got a personal face-to-face with T'Pau coming in and Uhura got worried when she couldn't get an answer in your cabin; I told her you were probably sleeping, but that I'd check just to make sure you hadn't died on us." McCoy was in fine spirits, just bursting with goodwill and enthusiasm.

Kirk was surprised--no shocked, that T'Pau had learned of his survival so quickly. Groaning as he rolled to his feet, Kirk headed for the desk, pausing on the way to yank on his shirt. As a last minute impulse, he grabbed his shorts as he passed them and hopped on first one leg, then the other the last few steps, to put then, on. He admitted they were more to control his blush factor, than really needed; but what harm could it do?

He seated himself at the desk, carefully checking the camera pick-up range and contacted Uhura; he knew her board would tell her exactly which cabin he was calling from, but knew she wouldn't say a word to anyone.

"Kirk here, Lt., McCoy said I had a call?" The surprise on her face was obvious, and expected, but controlled in less than a moment, leaving only the sparkle in her eyes as she put on her 'carefully neutral' expression. Kirk knew she was dying of curiosity, but you certainly couldn't tell it.

"Yes, sir; personal, from T'Pau and it's scrambled in a code I'm not familiar with; the address leader said that Mr. Spock would know the code." There was just a touch of affront in her voice.

Kirk heard clothes rustling as Spock dressed in the other room and smiled a sympathetic 'you know how Vulcans can be' smile to hopefully distract the second-best pair of ears on the ship.

"Thank you, Uhura; put the call through, please."

"Aye, sir."

Spock came to his side just as the screen flickered with the scrambled transmission; Spock did something at the input, and in just a moment, T'Pau appeared.

"Kirk, thee are well." Her face still seemed carved from stone, but now Kirk could detect **something** in her eyes. He couldn't tell what, despite his years of practice with Spock; so he nodded noncommittally.

"And thee, Spock."

Spock nodded as well, also apparently unable to decipher her expression.

"I owe thee both an explanation. And perhaps an apology."

Kirk tried not to show his astonishment.

She directed her full attention towards Spock. "As a child, thee were different from the other children, Spock; Sarek and others who noticed concluded that Amanda's influence was the cause. I did not. I remembered another child, who was of two distinguished Houses; and who had been raised without any human influence.

"Thy often tenuous control of emotions which were always close to the surface reminded me strongly of this child who died more than a century before you were born. I had recognized the Warrior in him and it was but a short step of logic to see it in thee as well."

Spock tensed at T'Pau's statement; not enough to be seen over the corn, but defiantly enough for Kirk to see his surprise. "Who was this other?"

"Stahl, my son.

His consort also choose the //Kal-i-fee//; she said she did not wish to be Bonded to an 'emotional barbarian'. Due to mechanical problems she arrived after Stahl had entered the //plak tow//; he was no match for her Challenger." Only her eyes showed the pain she still felt.

"I had thought to be Witness to a grave loss to Vulcan and the Federation as a whole; but when I touched thy thoughts, Spock, I saw that thee had found thy true mate. And that thee would rather die than replace him with T'Pring." T'Pau glanced at Kirk. "Of the Vulcans present, only Spock and Stonn were unaware of thy feelings, Kirk; thee were 'transmitting' quite strongly. That is probably why T'Pring choose **thee** as her Champion. Because she did, a tragedy was averted.

"In trying to understand Stahl and help him adjust to the time he had been born into, I read the Writings of the Ancients. It became a habit which I continued after his death.

"I allowed the Challenge and even aided in the 'misunderstanding' because of something I read in one of those volumes.

"It is the story of Stenn and Spall; mated Warriors who had not Bonded. The sciences of the Mind were just beginning to be explored and understood. Those who studied these disciplines were rare; therefore most Bondings were caused when a couple shared //ponn farr//.

"It was unusual for Stenn and Spall to be assigned duties that would separate them for longer than a day or by more than the length of the village; but such was the case when Stenn entered //ponn farr//. He could not return home; he would most likely become lost and wander to his death in the desert. The rest of the group had to complete it's patrol and by the time they returned with him, he had to be tied to his mount to prevent his falling.

"It was when the patrol had stopped and was untying him that he saw and became fixated by his Overlord's favorite daughter. He eluded the helping hands and sped after the girl, who ran in fright.

"Spall had been assigned to patrol the marketplace that day and was alerted by the girl's screams. He realized at once what was happening and knew that Stenn must be stopped; not only because of his own wish to Bond completely with his mate, but to save Stenn's honor, as well. If Stenn were allowed to continue, he would violate his oath of protection to his Overlord; and he would not have the honor of ritual suicide with which to atone, for that would injure or kill the girl through the Bond that would be established.

"Stenn did not recognize the man who blocked his path; he only knew that his need of the girl was being denied. When he struck it was to kill; only their training together for many years gave Spall the ability to elude the blow. Spall kept his defensive position in front of the girl but refused to fight Stenn; choosing to avoid the attack when possible and bear it otherwise.

"Eventually, he could neither evade nor endure the assault and he fell under the onslaught. Stenn's enraged mind would not be satisfied with merely defeating his foe; he must annihilate him. In a murderous rage, Stenn choked his mate.

"Although neither was aware of it, over the years they had formed a mental awareness of each other, it was much less than a Bond but through this 'link', Stenn felt his mate dying. The madness lost it's hold on Stenn and the girl was forgotten; it was as though the //ponn farr// had never been.

"Stenn carried Spall to their home and cared for him until he had recovered; then the //ponn farr// returned and they made their journey into the desert before the madness of the //plak tow// could threaten again.

"Many scholars through the years since have dismissed this account and others referring to it as fiction, of the instructional kind; however, the records of several eyewitnesses of high standing which also survived were much too precise and complete for me to totally accept the historians' viewpoint.

"It was for this reason that I allowed the combat; even knowing that the chance of actually repeating the process, without allowing real harm to thee, Kirk, was small. It is fortunate McCoy was there; his determination to keep you both alive was the deciding factor. I was able to 'suggest' that faking thy death, Captain, was the only way he could accomplish his goal.

Kirk and Spock had both been caught up by her story and the reasoning behind her seemingly illogical actions; after all, you don't let a First Officer kill his Captain, or vice versa, in a super secret ritual if you want to keep that ritual secret. T'Pau's illogic had been nagging at the back of their minds; when they hadn't had more important things to think about. Kirk was also glad that **The T'Pau of Vulcan** wasn't the xenophobe that she'd appeared to be dirtside.

I would be very interested in reading the story; if it's permitted, could you send me a copy of it?"

"Thy request is unusual, Kirk, but this situation is not usual. Vulcans do not often take even copies of the Writings off planet."

"And I'm not Vulcan. I understand, ma'am."

"Thee do not.. Thou are not Vulcan born; but thee are a citizen, now; and a worthy one. I will see if there is a Terran translation and do what I can to persuade the Council to allow it to be sent.

"Thank you; and if there isn't a translation available, a copy in the original Vulcan would be fine." Kirk was quite convinced that. T'Pau would be able to convince the Council.

Spock moved out of camera range and Kirk turned to look up at him, going slack-jawed at the pure **need** on Spock's face.

He turned back to face T'Pau. "Ma'am, I want to thank you for taking the time to explain and for your help, but I'm sorry; I must go now. I've just learned of an urgent matter that I must take care of."

"Of course, Captain. I regret that I took thee away from thy duties for so long. Live long and Prosper." Was there the hint of a smile on her face as the signal was switched off? Kirk wasn't sure and now was not the time to try to figure it out.

"Spock! Why didn't you say something? I could've gotten rid of her a lot more quickly, if I'd known.

She would've understood."

"No, Jim, I needed to hear her explanation!"

"Well, you've heard it!" Kirk rose, took Spock's hand and again felt the **need** wash over him. "Now stop being such a stubborn, pig-headed, noble son-of-a-vulcan and get over here!"

* * *

Kirk sighed as he tried to find a more comfortable position, without taking any of Spock's space.

<"We can go into the other room, Jim.">

<"I don't have the energy to move and neither do you; just hope the desk doesn't collapse under us. I doubt I could crawl out of the wreckage, just now; my bones are still made of Jell-O.">

<"Jim, I could ...">

<"No, you couldn't! We'd wind up in a heap on the floor halfway there!">

<"Jim; if you say so ...">

<"Spock, don't go to sleep just yet; we need to talk.">

<"We do?">

<"Uh huh; Spock you've got to stop suppressing the need; it just makes it worse. Besides you're making it almost impossible for me to do my job.">

< "Job? The //Enterprise//?">

<"The ship's fine; what I meant is, how can your shield be effective if you don't use it? You have to help me in this, Spock; I can't protect you from yourself!">

<"Oh.">

<"Yeah, oh. Spock, I love **you**; not some mythical 'Perfect Vulcan' you think you have to be. I won't leave because you get a little emotional; whatever you do, I'll always love you. I'm here to stay, forever; or I wouldn't be here at all!">

<I am not afraid that you will leave; but what if I hurt you, or even kill you?"> Kirk felt Spock's shudder.

<"Do I feel hurt?">

< "No, but ...">

<"No buts!">

Kirk put a wall around his thoughts; carefully.' leaving his emotions and physical sensations outside of it. He didn't know if this would work, but it was worth a shot.

<"JIM!"> "What's wrong! Why are you blocking me!?!"

Kirk sent all his love and support through the Meld. "It's ok; nothing's wrong. I just want to try something."

"Wha ... your arm! Something's wrong with your arm; the pain is getting worse!" Spock eased himself up, being careful of the all-too-near edge, and looked down to see Kirk pinching his own arm. Spock reached out and took the offending hand in his own. "Enough! You will not. injure yourself to prove a point!!"

"Did I prove it? Do you **know** that you can't hurt me without meaning to?"

"Yes, you have. But that still does not stop me from being afraid for you."

Kirk shifted, yet again, and sighed, yet again; "We've had a breather, let's take this party someplace more comfortable."

"I offered to ..." Spock was indignant at what he took as implied neglection.

"I know you did; but neither of us could have moved more than a couple of steps before falling over and I wasn't willing to risk something stupid like a sprained ankle when it could be prevented."

Spock sighed, accepting his bondmate's logic and carefully moved until he was sitting on the edge before turning to help Kirk sit up.

<"Thanks, Spock. Just a few hours ago, I was thinking bad thoughts about the bed; but at least, it's long enough to stretch out on. I won't be sorry when we've told the families and can move to the captain's cabin!"> ("What do you mean?">

Kirk stood and headed into the other room, plopping heavily onto the side of the narrow bunk and leaning comfortably against his Bondmate as Spock joined him. <"Whoever designed these beds must have been drafted from a monastery; they're not big enough for one person let alone two; we're going to have to do something, even if it's just a coupla mattresses on the floor, or neither one of us is going to be much use to the ship sharing this for long."> Kirk thumped the bed with, feeling. <"However, the captain's cabin was remodeled when Robert April married his CMO and nobody's done much with it since they were promoted. I think it's been used as an extra guest cabin occasionally, but that's about it..">

<"But, Jim what about the crew and Starfleet? Regulations are quite clear on the subject of fraternization within the chain of command and we have not adhered to them. It. might be best if we did not advertise the fact; we might be transferred from the Enterprise.">

<"You're forgetting the 'Vulcan Verses'; those fraternization rules don't apply to Vulcans and their bondmates.">

<"Vulcan Verses?">

<"Yeah, that's what the cadets called the section of exemptions for Vu1cans.">

Spock cast a speculative look at Kirk.

<"Uh huh, Spock, you can't pin that on me; those regs were added as part of Vulcan's admission to the Federation years before I entered the Academy. The other races didn't take too kindly to it, especially when Vulcan refused to explain why; the name had already stuck by the time I got there.

<"And Starfleet can't reassign us either; the regs are very clear on the procedure. In the event that Vulcan personnel marry, the bondmate with the highest rank keeps his/her assignment and the other one is transferred to the same base/Ship with as similar a position to what they had as possible; unless otherwise specifically requested, by both bondmates, in writing.

<"As for the crew, they're a pretty open-minded bunch; they never would've left their home planets if they weren't. Christine is the only one I'm really worried about.">

Spock sighed; <"Yes, this will be ... painful for her.">

<"Don't I know it! Watching the person you want to share your life and grow old with with someone else is not a fun thing. But we've got to tell her; it would be cruel to let her find out from gossip or innuendo. And I'm guessing that she already suspects something."> Kirk started ticking the points off on his fingers. <"McCoy's feet haven't touched the deck since he found out; you've taken leave in your quarters even though we just left your home planet and the woman who was supposed to be your wife after I have a mysterious 'accident' at the wedding; I'm down with an illness of which I have not the slightest symptom and which has nothing to do with the accident. She's too intelligent not to smell a rat . ">

<"Jim, once I can control properly again, would you mind if we melded with Miss Chapel? She should know beyond doubt that there was no lack in her; only that I had chosen long before she came aboard.>

<"I couldn't object to that; she's our friend and will need all the comfort we can give her.">

Spock nodded. <"Jim ... Uhura; will she not be hurt as well?">

It was all Kirk could do to keep from bursting into howls of laughter at the thought. <"Spock, who was it that discovered that you and I had the two highest chess ratings on the ship and then decided weekly tournaments, in which the Captain got trounced remarkably often I might add, would be just the thing to increase morale while we were stuck in refit. for ten months?">

<"Uhura. You mean that she you, the two of you haven't ...?">

<"That's not what I mean at all; we've been lovers. But it's never been more than friendship. We met when we were on the ??? and got to be friends; but she's been in love with someone else for six years. She knew me well enough to see how I was mooning around after you and decided to 'help out'. Have you never noticed how she was always coming up with some plan that would throw us together? Even our workouts were her idea.">

<"But McCoy requested ...">

<"After Penda made some off the cuff remark about you being the only one on board who wouldn't be afraid to toss the Captain on his duff. She's clever; gonna make a fine captain one day, too. Anyway, you don't

have to worry about Uhura; she saw what cabin I took that call from and you should've seen her eyes light up. She's probably hunting up some obscure holiday or event that she can use as an excuse to throw a party.">

<"Party?">

Kirk could feel the unease behind Spock's question and tried to banish it. <"She and McCoy will make sure nobody tries to drag us in. She may not know about //ponn farr//, but she does know about honeymoons.">

Kirk's eyes were closing slowly, almost without his awareness but Spock could feel the tiredness emanating from Kirk and gently rearranged them both to more comfortable positions.

* * *