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the author's original characters and creative content.
THE NEW CURIOSITY SHOPPE
(c) 2001 Jungle Kitty
He was embarrassed. At that particular moment, in that particular situation, there was simply no getting around it. He was embarrassed.
He hadn't been embarrassed to walk down a street in a very sleazy part of a frontier colony in broad daylight.
He hadn't been embarrassed that he was wearing his Starfleet uniform while walking down a street in a very sleazy part of a frontier colony in broad daylight.
He hadn't been embarrassed when a scantily clad woman acknowledged that uniform by calling, "Hey, fly boy! Show me your photon torpedo!"
He hadn't been embarrassed to walk into a store whose sign proclaimed it to be "ADULT!" in seven languages, including Rigellian pictograms.
He hadn't been embarrassed when he'd gone up and down several aisles stocked with items he would rather not encounter in a well-lit public place.
He hadn't been embarrassed when he'd finally found Brandt standing in front of a mirror and holding up nipple jewelry with a contemplative expression.
He hadn't been embarrassed when an elderly crone wearing a nametag that identified her as "Trudy" had asked if they needed assistance.
He hadn't even been embarrassed when Brandt had answered, "Yes, we're looking for something in a strap-on."
But when Trudy had walked around him, eyed him critically, paused at his backside, and said, "Oh, yeah. I can see that"...
...Then he was embarrassed.
"I don't think we need any help," he said.
"I think you do," Trudy retorted. "For starters, you're not gonna find a strap-on here in the nipple and clit ticklers."
Brandt tossed a rubber bottle-nosed dolphin back into a bin and said, "I was just checking out a few things."
"I know, dear." Trudy chuckled. "Sometimes I wander over here myself. It's such a happy part of the store, with all these rabbits and ladybugs and honeybears. Well, come on. If you're looking for a strap-on, you came to the right place. I pride myself on the selection--everything you need for anal play. Aisle seven."
As they followed Trudy, Kirk whispered, "Suzanne, can't we just do this on our own?"
"Jim, she's an expert."
"That's right, honey, I am," Trudy blared. "Is this your first strap-on?"
"Yes," Brandt replied.
"What about you, sonny?"
"Sort of."
"I'll take that as a yes."
"What do you mean, 'sort of?'" Brandt whispered. "You told me you'd never been done with a strap-on."
"I haven't, but I've done...other things."
"Anything I don't know about?"
"No."
"All right," Trudy interrupted. "I guess by 'other things,' you mean what? Fingers? Butt plugs? Dildos?"
Kirk opened his mouth, but no sound came out.
"Yes," said Brandt.
"Well, a strap-on's a little different. You're lucky I've got time to work with you on this."
"If you're busy--" Kirk said.
"Never too busy to help out a handsome young couple like yourselves. Now let's see. You're both human, right?"
"Yes."
"Okay, then we can skip all this. And this." Dismissing several shelves packed with paraphernalia of unusual shapes and colors, Trudy led them to the middle of aisle seven, where she turned to them and spread her arms proudly. "Now here we have--"
"What's this?" asked Brandt, holding up an object, the like of which Kirk had never seen before.
Three shiny spheres, each the size of a tennis ball, were connected by transparent rods that pulsed in Brandt's hands. A spike as big as Kirk's forearm rose from the first sphere. A
finely wrought metal fan hung from the second, its spines clicking ominously as they scraped against each other. The last sphere, almost entirely encased in a binding of colorful cords, looked almost innocent, until Kirk reached for it and one of the strands whipped into the air and gave his hand a stinging slap.
"You don't need one of those," Trudy said, taking it from Brandt and putting it back on the shelf.
"But what is it?" Brandt asked.
"It's a Llowikki charm bracelet. It's illegal to sell it to anyone but a fully wedded Llowikki, and even then, I have to see signed affadavits from the other six members of his marriage circle
agreeing to the purchase."
"What does it do?" Kirk asked, examining the red stripe across the back of his hand.
"It produces a combination of sensations that more or less hotwires the Llowickki pleasure points. If you're interested, we have an in-store seminar on Saturday. It's called 'Your kink is
not my kink, but that's just plain weird.' Care to sign up?"
"No, thanks."
As Trudy marched resolutely to the "human" section, Brandt whispered to Kirk, "Fig has one of those. She told me it was an atomic potato peeler."
"All right, over here, you two!" Trudy waved them over to a display of tubes and bottles. "Pop quiz! What are the three most important ingredients in an enjoyable strap-on experience?"
"Location location location?" Brandt asked.
"HA! Good one, honey! I like you. No, lubricant lubricant lubricant. Now I recommend 'Liquid Silk.' It's light and effective, and it lasts a long time. You won't have to reload halfway through. And see how nicely shaped the bottle is? Easy to handle. The nozzle's very pliable--you can have a little fun with that. It comes in sandalwood, ocean, licorice, Kaferian appleblossom, locker room, and unscented. Me, I'm a purist. I go with unscented every time."
"That sounds good. What do you think, Jim? Unscented?"
"Fine," Kirk muttered.
"Now have you thought about foreplay?" Trudy asked.
"Ummmmm..."
"You two are so lucky to have me. The three most important ingredients in an enjoyable strap-on experience are foreplay foreplay foreplay."
"I thought it was lubricant lubricant lubricant."
"You've already got lubricant. Now you're up to foreplay. Try to keep up, dear. Now as you can see, we have an immense selection of butt plugs and other anal play toys."
"This is cute," Brandt said, taking down a long tapered object that was hanging from a security chain.
"Ah, you're a woman of discerning taste. That is the Bendy Jelly Butt Plug. See--" She took it from Brandt and flexed it. "--it's got some give to it. And the bend here in the middle makes sure the prostate gets a nice massage. It's a very popular model."
"Bendy Jelly Butt Plug. I like the sound of that," Brandt said.
"Oh, it's a great name. Makes a good little tongue twister, too, if you're warming up for cunnilingus. Bendy Jelly Butt Plug, Bendy Jelly Butt Plug, Bendy Jelly Butt Plug." Trudy's earrings jangled as she bobbed her head, reminding Kirk of his Aunt Lila in a most discomfiting way. "Oh, damn, I shouldn't have done that. Now I'll have it stuck in my head the rest of the day."
"We'll take it."
"Well, now, hold on there, missy. If you're going to use a strap-on, the Bendy Jelly Butt Plug is beside the point. You're gonna want something you can really get some play out of. I'm talking a
full workout. What I'd recommend is the Jelly Anal Bloop Stick."
The security chain jangled as Trudy took down a bright red object. She held it up for their inspection, its two ends resting against her palms.
"Now on this end, you have the handle. Nice and firm, and it can double as a dildo. Now see here in the middle you have a good wide base to keep it from, well, disappearing into the black hole. HA! And then you have all these nice bloops." She caressed the globes on the other side of the base. "The one down at the end is just a little tickler, and each one is a little bigger. So you start out with the small one, get it in and wiggle it around--" Squirming inwardly, Kirk looked away as Trudy held up the bloop stick and wiggled it in Brandt's smiling face. "--let him get used to it, and then--Bloop! You move onto the next one." Trudy made a clicking noise out of the side of her mouth and Kirk looked over to see her push the bloop stick into her fist. "Wiggle! Bloop! Wiggle! Bloop! Just take your time and--" Trudy glanced at Kirk and something in his expression made her pat his arm reassuringly. "Don't worry, sonny, this is all for your benefit. You'll thank her later."
"So the whole point is stretching," Brandt said.
"No, not the whole point. It's very pleasurable if you do it right. Foreplay, remember? You know how it is, dear, when you're with a man who doesn't take the time for you to enjoy yourself, right?"
"Er, right," Brandt muttered.
"You don't wanna make that mistake. You want him to come back for more, dontcha?"
"Oh, yes."
"Well, of course you do! So treat him better than he treats you. No offense, sonny, you're probably very sweet. I just wanna make sure she does right by you." She flexed the bloop stick. "Spread a little sunshine, I always say. HA! Oh, sorry, bad pun."
Trudy's cackle sounded like misaligned gears, and when Brandt joined in, Kirk decided he hated them both.
"Does it come in gold?" Brandt asked.
"Yeah, I think so. I'll have Milton bring one up from the back."
She pulled a communicator out of her pocket and tapped it.
"Milt, I need a jelly anal bloop stick in gold."
Milt's reply was obscured by the interference coming from the comm.
"Hah?" *crackle* "--blue dick--" *crackle*
"Bloop stick!"
*crackle click click click*
"Jelly anal bloop--"
*click purrrrrrr click*
"Jelly anal--"
*WHIIIIIIIIIINE*
"Oh, fer crissake!" Trudy clicked the communicator shut and yelled, "MILT! I need a JELLY--ANAL--BLOOP STICK! IN GOLD!"
"I gotcha," came a quavering voice from the back.
"Gotta get that fixed," Trudy sighed. "Milt keeps insisting he can do it, but...Well, take a little advice, honey. Never marry a man who's good in bed. It ruins 'em for everything else. Now, let's see. You got your lubricant, you got your bloop stick...you need a harness. This way. I want you to notice something. Notice I don't carry any single-strap harnesses. They'll cut you something fierce. Now this--this is very classy. The Prefect of Kemarra has one of these. See--"
Trudy stepped into the black leather device, and Kirk winced as all images of Aunt Lila fled from his mind.
"--the two straps come up on either side of your crotch. Very comfortable. It comes in single- and double-holes, but since he's only got one--HA!--you'll want a single. Unless you've got a lady friend you want to do a DP on? No? All right, we'll go with a single. Now you're ready to pick out a dildo."
As Kirk followed the two women, he thought how nice it would be if he was suddenly needed on the Enterprise. Lagging behind as Brandt and Trudy turned the corner, he ducked behind a crowd of inflatable dolls, opened his communicator, and whispered into it, "Kirk to--"
Feeling a soft breath of air against his neck, he turned and found himself face-to-face with a tall, rubbery blonde. As their eyes met, her voluptuous lips parted, forming a large, moist O.
"Excuse me, miss," Kirk said as he took a step away from her and huddled into his communicator. "Kirk to Enterprise."
"Spock here."
"Shhhh, keep your voice down. In about thirty seconds--"
"My name's Honey 3000. I like to play," the doll said as she rubbed her breasts against him. "Do you like to play?"
"Stop that! Spock, are you there?"
"Yes, Captain."
"In about thirty seconds, I want you--"
"I want you, too," Honey cooed.
"So do I," said an Andorian male doll as he stepped forward and blocked Kirk's most immediate avenue of escape. "I'm Mandor from Andor. I like it rough."
"Are you in trouble, Captain?" Spock asked.
"No. Just call me--"
"I'll call you anything you want, baby." A gravel-voiced Tellarite pressed her snout against Kirk's ear and snorted.
The other dolls began clamoring around the outer edges of the circle, cooing their sales pitches.
"I'm this year's model, fully loaded."
"Are you ready for the latest from the glamorous Forever Date collection?"
"Programmable size, strength, endurance--"
"Realistic simulated level-one enthusiasm--"
"Optional ego-stroking program sold separately. Baby oh baby you're the best--"
"Buy two, get one free."
"Math is hard," pouted Honey.
"So am I," growled Mandor, and all the dolls pressed in on Kirk, their O-mouths gaping obscenely.
"Captain, perhaps this is not the time--"
"Just hold on, Spock. All of you, shut down now!"
"Ohhhhhhhh..." The dolls' voices died in a mechanical glissando as they slumped against each other. Disentangling himself from Mandor's embrace and moving Honey to one side, Kirk made his way out of the now lifeless crowd.
"Spock?"
"Captain?"
"In thirty seconds, call me and tell me I'm needed aboard the Enterprise, understood?"
"Understood. What shall I--"
At that moment, Brandt came around the corner waving a very realistic looking dildo.
"Jim, what do you think of this..." Seeing the communicator, her happy expression changed to one of concern. "What's happened?"
He held up a hand to forestall her question. "Thank you, Mr. Spock, keep me apprised of the situation. Kirk out."
He shut the communicator and as he put it away, he nodded toward the dildo. "Is this what you've picked out?"
"What's going on? What situation is Spock keeping you apprised of?"
"It's nothing he can't handle."
"Then why did he call you?"
"He just wanted to--"
"Wait a minute. He didn't call you. I would have heard your communicator."
"You were talking to Trudy."
"Uh huh. Jim, if you don't want to be here, just say so. I can pick out everything we need."
"Don't be silly. I--"
The communicator buzzed. He slowly opened it, painfully aware of Brandt's narrow gaze on him.
"Kirk here."
"Captain, you are needed aboard the Enterprise."
Kirk cringed at Spock's wooden delivery.
"What's the situation, Mr. Spock?"
After a pause, Spock said, "The sector is on red alert. All personnel are being recalled to their posts."
Brandt drew out her communicator and shook it, watching Kirk with a sour expression.
"I guess mine's broken," she said. "Lucky I was with you. It wouldn't look good for the *sector intelligence officer* to miss all the excitement."
Clearing his throat, Kirk spoke into the communicator. "Mr. Spock, I'm with the sector intelligence officer right now. She suggests you verify those orders. I'll check back with you later. Kirk out." He snapped the communicator shut and tried to look innocent.
"A system-wide red alert? Isn't that a bit extreme?" she asked.
"All right, you caught me. I didn't have time to give him a decent cover story."
"I had no idea you'd be so uncomfortable with this."
"I'm not uncomfortable. But Trudy is a little hard to take."
"She's an expert."
"She's very loud. And you were enjoying it."
A naughty grin spread across her face. "All right, you caught me. I promise I'll behave, if you promise not to have Spock declare a double red alert when you see how much all this stuff costs."
"It's a deal."
He leaned in and kissed her. It would have been quite nice if not for the dildo being crushed between them. Reaching down, he took it out of her hands and said, "It's a little unsettling being
prodded like that."
"Now you know how I feel when we slow-dance."
"You like being prodded."
"So will you. Trudy's been giving me some great tips."
"Can we just leave Trudy out of this? It's already crowded enough with you and me and--" He looked at the tag hanging from the dildo's balls. "--Well-Hung William?"
"That thing's got a great pedigree. Look." She flipped the tag over. "It says this model was first manufactured in 1966, and it's still a top seller."
"Brat, you shouldn't believe everything you read, especially when it's written on a dildo." He slid his arm around her waist, kissed her cheek, and they started toward the front of the store. "Let's
just pay for--"
"Okay, folks, what--" Trudy blared as she met them at the head of the aisle. "Awwww, that's what I like to see. A little tenderness. So did you decide on a dildo?"
"Yes," Kirk said. "We'll take Well-Hung William."
"Good choice. The granddaddy of them all. So tell me..." Trudy looped her arm through Brandt's and drew her close. "...just between us girls. That little snuggle back there. Was he getting happy or nervous?"
"As a matter of fact, Trudy," Brandt said with a quick wink to Kirk, "*I* was the one getting a little jittery."
"Really? You don't seem like the type."
"Oh, I would never have come in here if Jim hadn't been with me. He'll try anything. Isn't that right, Jim?"
"Well, I--" Kirk started.
"Nothing to worry about, honey," Trudy said cheerily, and this time it was Brandt whose hand was patted in grandmotherly reassurance. "Once you get that harness on, you'll feel like taking on the whole galaxy. There's just something about leather. Okay, let's see what we've got here." Setting the merchandise on the counter, she said, "Computer, tally!"
"Lubricant, Liquid Silk, sixteen ounce-tube. Dildo, Well-Hung William, model NC-17. Harness, Midnight Rider, ladies small. Total--"
"Hold it. Where's the bloop stick? MILT! I NEED--"
"I'm coming, I'm coming," said a withered little man as he trotted up the aisle toward them.
"What took you so long?" Trudy demanded.
"Someone turned off the dolls. I had to power 'em back up, and then they looked so gloomy that I had to promise I'd check them all for leaks later. I wish they'd stop making them so sensitive. Breaks my heart to see them all sad and rejected."
"Never mind the dolls. Where's the bloop stick?"
"Oh, the bloop stick. Right. Sorry, we're all out. Not in any color. Have you tried the Bendy Jelly--"
"No, Milt, they don't want a butt plug. Are you sure we're out of bloop sticks? Did you check this morning's delivery?"
"It isn't here yet."
"Late again! Well, aren't there some in the--?"
"I looked there."
"Behind the--?"
"Yes."
"On top of--?"
"There, too. We're out. Out out out, you crazy old--"
"Well, we can't send them off with just this! Okay, kids, let's see what else we can--"
"We could sell them the floor model."
"That's illegal."
"So who's gonna know?"
"Milt, Trudy, you've been very helpful," Kirk said. "I think we can do without the bloop stick."
Milt looked him up and down and said, "You planning on living dangerously, son?"
"Milt, danger is my job."
Milt leaned over the counter and whispered as he nodded in Trudy's direction, "You should try living with her."
"I heard that, Milt!"
"I know you did!"
As Kirk paid for the purchases, Trudy and Milt continued bickering and by the time Trudy had put everything into a glossy shopping bag, Milt was accusing her of cheating in the masturbation
marathon of 2202.
"I won that contest fair and square, you old--Oh, don't forget your bag, you two!"
Brandt, who had her head down as she studied a display of massage oils, turned back to the counter and Kirk saw that her eyes were shining with barely controlled laughter.
"Thanks, Trudy," she managed to squeak out.
"You're welcome, dear. I'm sorry about the bloop sticks. Damn that Harry Mudd! I'll--"
Both Kirk and Brandt paled. "Harry Mudd?"
"Our supplier. If you wait just a few minutes, I'm sure--"
"We've got to go, right, Suzanne?" Kirk said, giving her a meaningful glance.
"Right." She returned the glance in spades.
"I could have him deliver one to you," Trudy said as she grabbed each of them by the sleeve.
"No, that's all right."
"What's your rush?"
"Uh..."
"I--that is, we--Red alert!"
"Sector-wide!"
"All personnel recalled to their posts!"
"Gotta go!"
"Don't forget!" Milt called as Kirk and Brandt freed themselves and hustled to the door. "Foreplay foreplay foreplay!"
"Don't listen to him!" Trudy yelled. "Lubricant lubricant lubricant!"
"Yeah, but then foreplay foreplay foreplay! And don't eat anything beforehand!"
Saying, "Fine, yes, we'll remember, thank you, we have to go now," Kirk and Brandt made it to the door and out onto the street. But their escape was cut short when Trudy rushed after them, yelling, "Wait! You forgot the recipe!"
"Recipe?" Kirk asked as Trudy shoved a piece of paper into Brandt's hands.
"For fake jism," Trudy explained. "It'll keep for over a week in the chiller."
"Thanks, Trudy, I'll remember," Brandt called over her shoulder as they rushed away.
"Bye, kids!"
"Have fun storming the castle!" Milt yelled, waving.
***
After running for several blocks, they made it to a better part of town where they ducked into a doorway and fell against it, heaving for air. Finally, they turned to each other and gasped, "How do you know Harry Mudd?"
"I arrested him once," Kirk said. "You?"
"He's part of the intelligence network I'm setting up in this sector."
"Harry Mudd is working for you? Brandt, he's a thief! And a liar! And--"
"That's what makes him an asset! Honest, law-abiding people aren't very good at doing what I need done."
Folding his arms across his chest, Kirk studied her for a moment.
"If you're running him, why didn't you know he was in the bloop stick business?"
"He must have developed another sideline. He's very enterprising."
"I'll say. Well, let's go." They stepped out onto the street and continued on their way. "I wonder how he got off that android planet."
"Special Ops got him out." Seeing Kirk's mouth drop, she added, "We needed someone like him, and now he owes us a favor. That's how it works."
"That's how it works," Kirk repeated under his breath.
"Well, the three most important elements in successfully recruiting an asset are lubricant lubricant lubricant," Brandt said with a wicked chuckle.
"Followed by foreplay foreplay foreplay?" Kirk replied, beginning to see the humor in the situation.
"Right! And then somebody has to bend over and--"
"Hold it. I have a question before we get to that."
"Yes?"
"Fake jism?"
"Well-Hung William ejaculates if you fill his balls and squeeze them. Trudy gave me the recipe."
"Brat, my respect for both Trudy and Well-Hung William is growing by leaps and bounds, but I've had your cooking before, so let's just skip that part of it."
"You're taking all the fun out of this. No bloop stick, no fake jism--"
"I'm sure you'll feel better when you get the harness on."
"No sector-wide red alert--"
"Maybe for your birthday."
"No atomic potato peeler--"
"Not without a signed affadavit from your next-of-kin."
"Face it, Jim, we're dull, dull, dull."
"Dull? Speak for yourself. I'll have you know that I'm the latest in the ever-popular line, the Human Male. I'm fully loaded, capable of prolonged level-one enthusiasm, and top-rated for
strength, size, and endurance."
With a wicked gleam in her eye, Brandt replied, "We'll just see about that, won't we?" At that moment, Kirk's communicator beeped. "This better not be another phony emergency--"
Kirk silenced her with a gesture.
"Kirk here."
"Scott here, Captain. We have a wee bit of a situation on our hands, sir."
Brandt rolled her eyes in disgust.
"What kind of situation, Mr. Scott?" Kirk asked.
"Well, sir, your last communication was rather odd, and when you didn't check back in, Mr. Spock beamed down to that location. The--"
"Hold on, Mr. Scott." Kirk shut the communicator and turned to Brandt, whose look of suspicious skepticism had disappeared. Smiling grimly, he said, "Are you ready to beam up?"
"Actually, I, uh, I think I should go back to the base. There are a couple of things I should check on. I'll beam up later--"
"I don't think so, Brat. This situation sounds like something that will require the attention of the sector intelligence officer. That is, if she wants to keep her name out of the official report."
"Blackmail, JT?"
"I prefer to think of it as a winning strategy in a sensitive negotiation."
After a moment, she lifted her chin and said with articial calm, "All right. I have nothing to be embarrassed about."
"Good. Then we can be 'not embarrassed' together." He flipped open the communicator. "Two to beam up, Mr. Scott."
[The End]
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
The Bendy Jelly Butt Plug and the Jelly Anal Bloop Stick are made by The Blowfish Corporation.