TITLE: If Only

AUTHOR: Jena

FANDOM: ST:Voyager

PAIRING: Chakotay/Paris, ?/Kim

RATING: NC17

STATUS: New

ARCHIVE: Yes to anyone who wants it.

FEEDBACK: Let me know what you think, good, bad or ugly.

DISCLAIMER: Paramount owns all things Star Trek. I intend no infringement.

SUMMARY: A hopeless lover tells his story.

WARNING: Short and not nice. No happy ending here.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS: After reading Envoy's Numb series, I woke up the next morning with a monologue running on endlessly in my head. Thirty minutes later, much to my surprise, If Only was completed. Thanks Envoy for writing such a devastating series and inspiring this soulless piece.~Pamela, my very own beta-kitty, you are the cream in my coffee.

Thanks for loving the hopeless ones.

If Only

by Jenna

I light the candles and stand back to gauge the effect. He'll be pleased with how it changes the room, pleased that I made the effort. But then I always do. It's become habit, something I did for her, and now I do for him.

Not that he expects it. He's grateful just to be with me. Until we became a couple, he was lonely. He's told me often enough of the nights spent alone, dreaming of me. He was so sure that he could never have me, that our history together would preclude any kind of relationship outside of being fellow officers. And then, there was her.

Strong and beautiful, she was all that I could ever want, or so I told myself. I let her know I wanted her, but I was always careful to give her room. In time she grew to trust me and my intentions. We became lovers. Our fifteen minutes of fame on the ship wide gossip circuit was almost anticlimactic. After all, it had been inevitable.

In the beginning, I told myself that I would be happy now. I had made a commitment to a remarkable woman, and it was the right thing to do. We planned the wedding in secret. The day before the announcement was to be made to our friends and the crew, she followed me. I found out later that, even before we made the plans, she suspected, but had refused to believe.

I came hard in the pretty mouth. When I opened my eyes to pull him up for a kiss, I saw her standing in the bedroom doorway. The hate radiating off of her was palpable. She left quickly and quietly. He never knew that she had been there.

I finished our kiss and hugged Harry to me. He always felt so guilty about our little assignations, even though he was in love with me and couldn't help himself. At least that's what he told himself and me. But the truth didn't assuage the guilt, nor did it convince our friends and fellow crew members to forgive and forget.

We were alone together in a sea of contempt. I took my loss out on Harry, using him and his body until there was only a husk left of what had once been a vibrant, young man. Each day he stands behind me, empty eyes no longer seeing. It's all rote. ''Yes, sir. No, sir.''

He does his job and goes home to an empty bed. There is nowhere else for him to go. He paid for loving me, just like the others had. Just like the man beneath me would.

He pushes his hips back to meet me, sobbing his need and love for me. Pulling out, I drive back deep and crush him against the mattress. With each thrust I feel my anger burn and consume me. The tempo builds. He cries out my name and comes in hot spurts over my hand. Muscles contract around my cock. In response, I shudder and empty my seed, my rage, my tattered soul inside his body.

Severing the connection, I fall to the side, heaving for air. He rolls over and wraps himself around me. Automatically, I put my arm around him and pull him closer. In between a rain of gentle kisses, he whispers softly into my mouth.

Looking into the blue eyes, shining with happiness and so much more, all of it for me, I parrot back, ''I love you, too.''

If only I could.

The End